The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words that may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.
Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:
http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination; Tidings of Comfort; Parallel Hearts
Parallel Hearts
by Jordan
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This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
- REM
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~Carol~
It's really warm today. I mean, really warm. The thermometer on the kitchen window says it's 70 degrees. Unbelievable. So, for me, it's nice to have today off. Things have been working out. I work Monday through Thursday, four twelve-hour shifts, then I get to be home with my girls for three whole days. And lucky for me, today is Sunday and for some reason, it's 70 degrees in the beginning of March in Chicago.
We straightened up the house and then we got to use the stroller that Mark and Elizabeth bought us. I took them for the longest walk. The girls slept mostly and so many neighbors who haven't had a chance to see them stopped me in the street, oohing and aahing over them.
They are really adorable, you know. I love them so much. They are wonderful babies. He would...if...you know…he would flip. He'd just eat them up.
*****
~Doug~
I think about her...about them...every day. She's on my mind all the time. You know, there's so much to remember.
I figure she's handling it, like she handles everything. Carol, she has this amazing ability to do whatever needs to be done. That's why she is such a great charge nurse. She makes decisions, she sizes up a situation and she's right almost all the time, capable of doing anything she needs to do. The thing about her is that she...her stubbornness, it makes it impossible for her to ask for help. Even if she needed it, she wouldn't ask because she's so proud. I don't know if she has the babies in day care, if her mother is helping her, or if someone else is watching them. If I were there, we could be on different shifts 'til they were older, then the daycare at the hospital would be great. Hell, I make enough now, she could quit if she wanted to, or just work part-time. She could do whatever she wanted to do. It'd be nice for her to take a break. You know, just stay home with the girls. It'd be nice coming home to that. I think about coming home to that.
*****
~Carol~
It's been a year. I can't believe it. One year since I've seen him, since he was here. And so much has happened. The thing is, I can't get the hurt out of my heart. It's like an icicle was plunged into it and it won't melt. He said he loved me, he swore he loved me, but he still left. If he really loved me, he could never have left.
I keep dodging his phone calls, ignoring his letters. He writes these little notes that he sends with the checks. I mean, he sent the first check with his presents at Christmas, but I got one in January, one in
February, and one this month, too. I can't bring myself to…I haven't deposited them. I can't. It...I made a resolution last year to do this by myself and I will. I can take care of my family by myself. I should send them back, but I...I will, sometime. Maybe later on in the spring. Thing is, it will hurt him when I do.
*****
~Doug~
I haven't heard anything from her since she sent those first pictures. I don't really expect her to call me back. I've left a couple of messages on her answering machine and at the hospital. I send money every month, too, but she hasn't cashed any of my checks. I send them anyway. I have to. I just have to.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't get on with my life. You know, try dating again, meet someone. But, I can't. It's like I'm living my life waiting for her to change her mind. I go to work, I come home, that's it. There's no happiness, no. It'd be different if I could see her, see them. I mean, sure I'd like to fly out, maybe just show up, see the girls. Hold them. I think about what it would be like, holding them. I think about how they look. Even...how they smell. How they'd feel, falling asleep on me.
*****
~Carol~
Sometimes when the babies are asleep and the house is quiet, I can't stop thinking about him. About how it felt when I'd bury my head into his neck and breathe him in, how his arms would surround me and how happy and warm I was then. Or how I'd wake up and see him sleeping next to me and feel this rush of love, how I'd be amazed that he was in my bed, that he loved me, that he wanted me. I think the truth is...I never felt that I was good enough to be loved by him. It wasn't him, it was me. I never had the confidence that I would be enough for him. No matter what he said, I just…couldn't believe that I…deserved it, that I was the one when he could really have almost any woman he wanted.
*****
~Doug~
I know that she doesn't want me to come. She doesn't ever want to see me again; she doesn't want me to even have contact with the babies. We've talked, what, twice since I've moved out here? That tells you something. She wants to move on, she doesn't want me in her life at all. I've...I totally destroyed everything we had. So, I sit here at night and I try not to get drunk...I mean, I haven't been drunk since the night they were born. I don't want to...I don't know, I guess I don't want the girls to ever think their father was an alcoholic, that I would be like that. So I play this game where I try not to call her and I finally go to sleep at 3 a.m. knowing that it all begins again in a few hours.
*****
~Carol~
When it's late and I'm feeling lonely, that's when I worry about him. Is he taking care of himself? Has he started drinking again? I wonder if he's meeting people, making friends. Or if he's withdrawing into himself.
Then I think, no, he must be okay, he's met people. He could be dating again. It wasn't so long ago that he was...I remember how it was, how women reacted to him. Maybe he's met someone new and she's...maybe he's not all alone.
*****
~Doug~
Sometimes I can't sleep. And then I think about her all night long. She would tell me that she was in love. I believed her, back then. I mean, I'd make love to her and she'd...she'd look up at me with those eyes and pull me down, close to her, and just wrap her whole self around me and then she'd say it…and I'd be in heaven. She was heaven for me. I know I made mistakes, I know it was my fault. If I could change everything, I would, just to hear her say it again.
*****
~Carol~
Sure, there are times when I know I did the right thing. He was so unstable at work, you could never count on him to do the...I guess to do the right thing, to follow the rules. God, the man could never follow a rule. I couldn't trust him anymore. I couldn't live like that anymore. He simply refused to conform and in the end, that refusal infuriated me. It angered me. He never thought about any of us, about me or Kerry or Mark or anyone. All he cared about was the end result. He never concerned himself with who he might hurt along the way.
I couldn't handle that anymore. But the…the sacrifice has been...it's been hell. It's hell without him.
*****
~Doug~
With Carol, there's no...she convicts you, you know? She said she loved me, but then she couldn't forgive me. When I needed her most, she didn't support me. And then I asked her...I asked her to come with me.
She wouldn't even consider that. Looking back at it, I'm amazed at how she turned it off so fast; she threw everything away without looking back. Her job, her family, her friends, they were all more important to her than what we had together. Then I think, did she really mean what she said? For her to be able to go through her pregnancy and to have the girls all by herself, to…deny me any part in that, well.... I don't know that she ever really loved me the way I thought she did, the way I wanted her to. Maybe she's not capable of it. Or maybe I'm not the kind of man she can love like that. Maybe she didn't love me the way I love her.
Or, maybe I shouldn't have left. Probably I shouldn't have left.
*****
~Carol~
I guess the...the violence, the whole thing with Carter and poor Lucy has me thinking. And I've thought about fate, my life. I always thought Doug was the one, the man I was destined to be with. Everything was…when things were good, everything was wonderful, and it was the best time of my life. But now, I don't know. Maybe there will be someone else.
Maybe he won't be my last. I think about that sometimes. I think about it.
*****
~Doug~
I guess I've failed at starting over again here in Seattle.
What scares me is that she'll fall in love with someone and then he'll have her. He'll raise my kids. And my kids will learn to hate me. I already worry about that now with my…with Janelle's son. Now, Tess and Kate, what will they think? Will she tell them how much I wanted them? That I wanted them as much as Carol did? Or will she tell them what a fuck up their dad was, how he was so unreliable, how she regrets ever meeting him? I don't know.
There's a big difference between how I feel about Tess and Kate and how I feel about Janelle's boy. I don't know, at first part of me thought it was age, you know, maturity, but if I think about it, then I know that's not it. It's that I was in love...I am in love with Carol. I'm in love with her. And those babies were conceived with all that love. I mean, we tried, she was so disappointed all those months, and I left thinking…well, knowing that we failed. To find out that we succeeded, that she was pregnant with our child and then...then to find out she had twins, I feel so different. I love them because they're part of us. Part of the two of us, of the love we had. Because they're Carol's children, too. That's what's different. They are the children of the woman I love. I don't think she'd really look at it that way, but I would. I do.
With Janelle's son, I do think about him, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But I really don't feel any sort of need to see him. I've always accepted that I'll never see him. But to think that I'll never see Tess and Kate, I...I don't want to think about that. There's this...longing.
*****
~Carol~
I see him in their faces every day. Every day, it's like having him here. They are the greatest gift he could have ever given me.
Just when I think I'm over him, I think about what it would be like to see him. About calling him back and asking him to come to Chicago. He'd come, I know he'd come so fast. I'd open the door and there he'd be, just like always. But if I did that, I'd have to look into his eyes and then I'd have to explain to him why I was so willing to refuse him, to hurt him this way. I know I've hurt him. This is the most hurtful, awful thing that I could ever have done. I know it is. I can't look at him, knowing that. I can't.
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This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
Another prop has occupied my time
This one goes out to the one I love
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The end
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