This Changeful Life

Author’s Notes:

* This story is set shortly after ‘To Thine Own Flame Be True’, as Carol and the twins move into Doug’s home. I decided to skip the intervening time, as in all honesty, I couldn’t think of a good enough storyline to follow! I hope you can follow it and excuse the gap!

* The characters are not mine. They belong to Constant-C, Warner Brothers etc… I do this for fun and gain no money from it.

* The song featured is ‘I Deserve It’ by Madonna. It’s taken from her album ‘Music’.

* Love it or hate it, I’d really like to hear from you. I read every e-mail and always try to get in touch.

* Thanks again a thousand times to my ever helpful editors, Leslie and Cari, whose marks are all over this story.

* ‘This Changeful Life’ is dedicated to Jack Radley, a special man who has shown me just how wonderful it is to be loved. I hope the house we now share will have as many beautiful memories to give in the future as you have given me in the past.

* To the memory of… Molly ‘Mischief’ Alderson. May God and His angels look after you better than this world ever did.

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‘We are not separate from spirit. We are in it.’

- Plotinus -

This Changeful Life
By Jo 
dynamojo26@hotmail.com 

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"Well this, Tessa and Katie, is my humble home…" Doug announced expansively to his drowsy, disinterested daughters. Carol twisted in the passenger seat of the rental car and gazed back at them, smiling. Kate was sitting cross-legged in her car seat, sucking her thumb lazily, her eyes half closed. Tess was staring absently at her teddy, her little fat fingers gripping it in an ever loosening grasp. Reaching behind her, Carol gently took the teddy away, so it wouldn’t end up dirtied on the floor.

"Aw, look at them," she smiled over at Doug, then back to their girls.

He looked around as he put the parking brake on and knocked the gear stick into neutral. Chuckling, he switched off the engine, "I think I’ve seen more energetic eighty-year-olds."

"I thought they might have slept in the car…" Carol said in a low voice as she took off her seatbelt and opened the car door, swinging her legs out and groaning as she stretched the tired muscles.

"I thought you said on the plane you didn’t want them to sleep?"

"I did, but looking at them now makes me feel like a real monster mom." She stood, giving her cramped back an arch, touched her toes, and then opened the back door and began unstrapping Kate, easing the car seat out. Doug opened the other door and copied her every move, watching her tuck Kate’s blanket under her chubby little legs and then doing the same with Tess. He was eager to show her he could work this parenting game out quickly. But, despite learning fast, it was harder than he had first imagined. The few, hurried days he’d spent in Chicago while they had sorted out the sale of the house and packed up hadn’t been nearly enough to teach him her many habits. In fact, more than once, he’d noticed her going back over something he’d done, just to be sure he’d done it correctly, and Doug, desperate to prove himself, had made mental notes of everything she hadn’t found completely satisfactory, to be sure he would remember them in the future.

"My, my, little girl, you’re getting heavy…" he said to Tess as he lifted her out of the car in her seat, groaning playfully. "You’ll have to watch that. You won’t be fitting in your clothes next…"

"That’s kind of the idea, Doug…" Carol smiled at him as he chuckled, juggling the car seat so he could have both hands free.

Doug took them to the front door, but instead of letting them in, he lifted up the doormat and picked up a set of steel keys. "You left the keys under the doormat the whole week?" Carol asked, concerned, leaning around him as he slipped the key into the lock. Grinning, he chastised her,

"It’s okay, Carol… they’ve only been there since last night. I asked Cindy to come over and pick up the mail and draw the curtains." He nodded his head down to the keys in his hand. "This is the little set anyway, it’s only got the front and back keys. She’s still got the main set. I told her to just leave these ones under the doormat, because it would save me having to drive over there when we got back…"

He opened the front door and took his family inside, cautiously taking a breath of the stale odour that a week of non-occupancy had left in the air. He flicked the hall lamp on, brightening the shadowy room, and gathered up the pile of mail left on the cabinet. Tess, now fully awake, was peering around the new location with curious eyes. "You wanna go check it out, hmm?" Doug dropped to his knees and put the car seat on the floor, taking Tess’ harness off and gently setting her down on the floor.

"She can’t crawl yet, Doug…" Carol told him, but he stood up anyway and took a few steps backwards. Tess pulled herself to seated and then stared at him, as if she expected something else to happen. Doug chuckled at her confused expression.

"Come on, Tess. Come to Daddy," He crouched on his heels and beckoned to her. Tess did not move, but stared questioningly instead. "Carol, come over here. Let’s see if she’ll come to you…"

Carol came to kneel beside him, setting Kate down on the floor at her feet. In an instant, their youngest was dragging herself by her arms around the carpet in the hall, travelling at quite a pace. Tess continued to gaze studiously, absorbing them both in the manner of a scientist analysing fascinating specimens. "I wonder why she can’t figure it out?" Doug asked himself aloud, tilting his head to catch Tess’ eye.

"I think she’s just lazy. She knows that if she sits still long enough, I’ll come and pick her up and move her."

He crawled over to her, lifted her up and then set her down on her front, easing her hands and knees out, holding her weight up himself. "Come on, Tess, move that body…" Tess wriggled promisingly in his grasp, but as soon as he let her down, she sank like a rag doll onto her stomach, gazing up at them with wide, confused eyes. Doug laughed at her comical position, holding her chest up with widely spread hands, barely maintaining a balance. "Aw, she looks like Bambi on Ice," he chuckled. "She just hasn’t got the knack yet. Give her time, she’ll soon get herself up and around." He turned back. Carol was still beside him, but her eyes were no longer on Tess, but were watching Kate, who was now sitting beside the telephone, examining it with untamed fascination, "Do you want something to eat? I can make us a cheese toastie, or a cup-a-soup…"

"I’m okay, Doug. I just wanna go to bed."

A mischievous grin split his face and he slipped his arms around her, spreading his legs out a little so he could lower himself down and meet her eyes. "Oh yeah?"

"To sleep, you horny kid…" she admonished, wanting to frown at him, but finding herself smiling instead. "I’m shattered,"

"You slept all last night…"

"Yeah, I know, and remind me exactly why that was again…? Hmm?" She leaned in and pressed her nose inquiringly up against his, raising her eyebrows. Doug flicked his head,

"I don’t know, why was that…?"

"Could it be, perhaps, that the night before that, you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?" She narrowed her eyes. "You were worse than the girls. I thought you were never gonna go to sleep…"

Doug chuckled low in his throat. "Hey, when you’re hungry, you gotta eat, Carol," She giggled, shaking her head, and pushed him away, ignoring his metaphor.

"Then have a sandwich. I’m going to put my pyjamas on."

Still laughing quietly to himself, Doug turned and opened the door to the kitchen. Carol picked Kate up from under the phone table, where she was thumbing the Yellow Pages like a pro, and swung her onto her hip. "Doug," she called. "I’m taking Kate with me. Can you keep your eye on Tess?"

"I don’t think she’s going any place in a hurry, Carol…" came the shout from the kitchen. "But, yeah, I’ll keep my eye on her."

Carol climbed the long run of stairs, bemoaning the ever-increasing weight of her daughter. "Daddy was right, hmm? You really are getting big, aren’t you?" she told her as she pushed open the door to the master bedroom with her foot. "Here we go, see, this is gonna be Mommy and Daddy’s room, okay. And, when you’re big enough to look after yourself, it’s gonna have a lock on the door…" She peered down her nose at Kate, whose big blue eyes were everywhere else but on her. Carol wandered around with her, re-examining the room, before setting her down in the middle of big bed. "There you go. Now, you stay there while I sort this place out,"

Kate gurgled quietly to herself as Carol drew the curtains and switched the bedside lamp on, filling the room with tinted light. Although there was a similar stale smell to that downstairs, she couldn’t bring herself to let the cold night air in through an opened window, so instead, she fluffed the pillows and sprayed a little of the aftershave that sat on the dressing table into the air. She took a deep breath of that scent that was so memorably his and set the bottle back down. On the bed, Kate rolled herself onto her stomach, and then levered herself to sitting, watching her mother’s every move with wide, fascinated eyes. "There we go, that’s a bit better, isn’t it…?" Carol hunkered down on the bed in front of her daughter, whose right hand reached out and snagged itself in her hair.

"Hey, hey, Mischief, don’t you pull Mommy’s hair…"

It was Doug, standing in the doorway, sharing a biscuit and a glass of milk with Tess, who was cooing on his hip. Carol looked up and smiled, easing her hair out of Kate’s grasp. "She’s a devil with it," she told him as he deposited Tess on the bed next to her sister. "All the time, hands in my hair, hands on my shirt…" Doug chuckled.

"Sounds familiar…"

Carol gave him a withering look. He set the glass of milk down and then laid himself out on the bed, releasing a soft, relaxed sigh. They were quiet for a few moments. "It’s nice this, huh?" he murmured finally. Carol smiled at his contented but faint expression. "I mean, I didn’t think I’d ever have you all on my bed…"

Pulling Kate towards her, turning her around so she was facing Doug, Carol added, with an outstretched hand, "But we’re here now…"

His answering smile was truly unforgettable.

After a moment, he nodded his head and dropped it a little, patting the bed with his palm. "Yeah you are…" He laid his hand on Tess’ head and gently stroked her wispy hair. "But, where are you going to sleep tonight, hmm? The cribs are in the moving van."

"Oh God, I hadn’t thought of that." Carol stood up, immediately troubled. "Where are they going to sleep?" He stood and moved towards the door, thinking.

"Hang on, I’ll give Cindy a call. She might have something we could borrow for tonight. She’s got kids."

"I thought they were older?"

"They are. Seven and five… But, she might not have thrown stuff out. It’s a bit of a long shot, but I could try…"

"Well, anything’s better than nothing…" He nodded, agreeing, and disappeared.

Seconds later, Carol could hear him talking on the phone in the hall, his voice vaguely muffled and his words indeterminable. Shortly, his warm chuckle punctuated the quiet and she crept to the door, curious as to what he was saying. Immediately, she chastised herself for wanting to eavesdrop and instead gathered the twins up and took them through to the bathroom to change for bed.

She’d finished changing them, pulled them into romper suits and was taking her own clothes off when the door was tentatively pushed open and Doug’s head appeared through the gap. "Hey, looks like I’ll be driving round to Cindy’s after all…" Carol paused, but then continued to unbutton her shirt. "She’s got a travel crib we can borrow. It’s not really big enough for two, but I’m sure it’ll be okay for one night. It’ll do them good to fight over who has the blankets." He grinned at the girls, who were sitting in the empty bath making babbling noises at one another, but his eyes rapidly travelled back to Carol reaching behind her to undo her bra. Doug’s smile spread and he swallowed. "I thought you said not tonight...?" She giggled and went to him, pushing him gently out of the door with a warm kiss.

"I did. Something wrong, Doug?" she teased. He cocked his head on one side.

"No, nothing wrong at all." He was backing away from her, slowly, onto the landing and then to the top of the stairs. All the while, she kept him snared with her eyes, grinning, her hands fiddling tantalisingly with the hooks on her bra.

"Are you going, then?"

He made a frustrated sound in his throat. "Yeah, I’m going. I’ll be back in ten…" Carol smiled saucily at him, dropping one hand to her side, holding her bra fast with the fingers of her other hand. Doug started to walk backwards down the stairs, keeping his balance with one hand on the banister. "In fact, I’m going… I’m going now…" She released the hooks and he spun on the stairs and galloped down them before his eyes had a chance to catch her naked. "Back soon!" he called as he slammed the front door without looking back.

Carol went to the window and watched him pull out of the drive and head off down the road, smiling to herself, thinking how gratifying it was to know that she could still have such an effect on him. From the bathroom, a sudden and stuttering cry replaced those entertaining thoughts and she turned, sighing, and walked back in, knowing by the tone of the scream that it was Kate who was crying. "Okay, okay, it’s bedtime soon, sweetheart…"

But, what met her beyond the door almost stopped her heart. Kate was sitting beneath the faucets, slightly hunched, tears streaming down her face. "I’m here," Carol murmured and knelt down by the side of the bath. And then she saw.

Wedged into the centre hole of the drain was Kate’s right hand index finger. "Oh my God… Kate… what have you done?!" Carol tugged at the finger, but it was stuck fast. "Oh God, no… come on…" she told it, plying it, trying to tease it up through the metal, her heart beating out of control in her chest, knowing how a trapped finger could mean an amputation. Feeling desperation beginning to grip her, Carol span around, searching for a means to ease it out. She flung the bathroom closet open. A tub of Vaseline seemed a good bet, so she twisted the top, dropped to her knees and began rubbing the drain and the visible part of Kate’s finger with the jelly. "Come on, come on," she whispered breathlessly, tears gathering at her eyes.

At the other end of the bath, Tess started to moan, and then she was crying too, adding to the already deafening sounds battering Carol’s ears. Knowing there was no way she could quiet them, she simply worked on the finger, trying to ease the jelly down past the metal. Another anxious tug told her it was no looser and panic-stricken and shaking with fear, her tears bubbled over. For the first time in a very long while, she prayed aloud, pleading for some sort of divine intervention, her chest heaving. She tried to hug Kate, but she was squirming, and with every squirm, she seemed to twist her finger even tighter into the hole.

Knowing Tess’ screams were agitating Kate still further, Carol fretfully picked her other daughter up and rushed her through to the bedroom, setting her down on the floor and then pushing the door shut. She ran back to the bathroom and climbed into the bath herself, wrapping her arms around Kate to try to still her. Down the corridor, Tess’ howling was now faint and in response to the sudden quiet, Kate was slowly winding her screams down. "It’s okay, it’s okay…" she told her, trying to keep the quaver out of her own voice. She reached around and tried to dry Kate’s face with her arm.

Settled by the feel of her mother’s arms, Kate ceased her crying and Carol simply sat, shaking, holding her tightly, partly to stop her from moving and partly because she was frozen with fear. She reached over and took more Vaseline out of the pot and smeared it around the drain, but she knew it wasn’t working. Oil, that was the next thing. There would be some in the kitchen. Carol tried to stand up, so she could fly downstairs and fetch it, but as soon as her arms left Kate’s skin, her face scrunched and tears budded in her already watery blue eyes. "Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay," she repeated. "Kate, you gotta sit still while I go get some oil. Will you sit still?" she rubbed Kate’s back and the crying halted almost as abruptly as it had started. She moved away, stepping over the side of the bath. Kate looked at her and she could see the face turning again. She started to wriggle once more. "No, no, Kate, shhh... Be nice and still…"

But Kate wasn’t listening. All she was aware of was that she was stuck and her Mommy was leaving her. Carol, torn between what to do, edged towards the door, but as soon as she opened it, Kate began to howl, twisting angrily around, her finger clearly biting with pain. "Okay, okay, I’m here, I won’t leave…" she relented and climbed back into the bath, sinking to her knees and pressing herself up against Kate’s heated little body, praying now instead that Doug would hurry back.

She adjusted her position and let Kate nestle between her breasts, using her free hand to stroke the fluffy waves on her head. She whispered over and over again, trying to keep herself calm as much as Kate. Long minutes passed that seemed like hours before she heard the door bang and then Doug call up, "I’m back!"

"Doug!" she screamed. "I need you!"

Within seconds, he was in front of her, the tone of her voice immediately putting him on guard. "What’s wrong?"

"You’ve got to help her…" Carol’s voice was high-pitched and croaky with fear, her eyes involuntarily filling up again. "She did it while I was out on the landing. I turned my back for two minutes and then she’s crying and I come back in and, Doug, I can’t get it out! I’ve tried putting Vaseline on it, but it’s not coming loose!"

He nodded, a little frown of concentration knitting his brow. He leaned over and quietly looked at Kate’s finger. "Hey you," he murmured while he examined it coolly and with sympathetic hands. "What’s with this, hmm? Drains aren’t made for fingers, you know…"

"Doug!" Carol cried out in exasperation, perplexed at his apparent lack of concern, knowing that every second that passed was one second closer to an amputation.

"What?" he looked up at her, seeing her terror, but remaining composed. "It’s okay, Carol. We’ll get this sorted…"

"I’m going to call 911…"

"No." His voice surprised her with its hardness. She snapped around from the doorway and stared at him, taken aback. "No, not yet…" he said, in a softer tone. "Okay," he turned back to Kate, who was still under his touch. "Let’s see, shall we?" He twisted to look at her, still in only her underwear, standing meekly behind him. "Go downstairs and get me a bowl or a jug or something. Not too heavy, but quite big… I think there might be a plastic Tupperware jug under the sink. Then there’s some ice cubes in the freezer. Bring them all up with you. And, then go get some washing powder. The box’ll be in the cloakroom, on top of the machine."

Carol, confused, simply agreed and raced out of the bathroom. She bounded down the stairs, her mind filled with horrific thoughts of paramedics and firemen cutting the bathroom to pieces to get Kate loose. Into the kitchen she went, travelling so quickly that she gave her hip a substantial smack against the edge of the counters. Cursing herself and rubbing the offending bone, she opened the cupboard under the sink and saw the jug, filled with steel wool scrub-buds and dishcloths. She emptied these items carelessly on the counter and, barely bothering to shut the door, ran straight to the cloakroom took a cupful of powder out of the box, scattering stray grains as she did so. Taking the stairs, two at a time, she arrived, out of breath, in the bathroom.

Kneeling serenely beside the bath, was Doug, talking nonsense to his stricken daughter with utter composure. In her anxiety, Carol barely noticed that Kate was watching him with curious eyes. Her face was dry and she seemed no longer even concerned that her finger was stuck. Doug had wiped the Vaseline she’d used away with some toilet paper, and discarded bundles of it beside him on the floor. "I’ve got them," Carol said, feeling decidedly helpless.

"Okay. Put the powder and the ice cubes into the jug and fill it with cold water. As cold as you can get it out of the faucet."

Carol followed his instructions, trying to stop her hand shaking as she filled the jug with water from the sink. "I’ve done it, now what?"

"Now just stick your hand in it and give it a swirl around so the powder dissolves. It might take a few minutes." She did just that, begging the powder to dissolve quickly under her breath, thinking that the water was so cold it was making her hand hurt. "Hey, Carol, it’s okay. We’ll get her out." Her caught her eyes this time and gave a small, encouraging smile. Carol tried to smile back, but couldn’t, and so handed him the jug instead. "Right then, Mischief, let’s have a go with this, shall we?"

He steadied Kate, and then turned to Carol. "Can you get in the bath, behind her, and hold her still. Don’t let her move." Carol swung herself into the tub and wrapped her arms around Kate, holding her fast. Doug waited a few seconds and then reached in and placed a few of the ice cubes around Kate’s finger. Then, he slowly began to pour the water from the jug over her hand and down the drain, keeping the stream just enough to cover her hand from wrist downwards, but never letting it simply pour freely. The jug lasted about two minutes, and then he stopped, set the empty vessel down, removed what remained of the ice cubes and then stood up. "Okay, let’s give this a tug, shall we?" He looked at Kate and nodded, gave a little tug on her arm and with hardly any resistance, the finger came clear of the drain, slightly blue but none the worse for wear.

Carol thought she would burst into tears. She gathered Kate up into her arms and hugged her fiercely, almost crushing her into her chest. "Oh, Kate, oh you silly girl…" she whispered, her voice shaky.

"There, that wasn’t so bad, was it…" Doug assured, moving over to snag Kate’s finger and examine it. "Not a scratch. You’re fine, Mischief," he said, tapping her cheek gently with the back of his hand. He looked up. Carol was gazing at him.

"Thank you, Doug," she said softly. "Thank you so much."

He beamed, proud that he had managed to please her. "Not a problem."

"I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t been here…"

"Panicked and called 911, I would say," he chuckled. "I’ve never seen you so scared…" Carol smiled, shrugging her shoulders, kissing Kate’s head over and over again. "But, we managed didn’t we?" he looked back to Kate. "Used that cold water to make your fingers cold, hmm?"

"Oh God, I never thought of that," she whispered.

Doug made no reply, instead, he stood and offered a hand to Carol. She took it and he pulled her to standing. "Well, I think we should be getting these two to bed… Kate certainly needs it." He smiled at his daughter, as her head lolled on Carol’s shoulder, curled up in a ball. Now that the commotion had passed, her eyes had grown sleepy again, and despite her struggles, they were failing her.

"Did you get the crib?"

"Yeah. It’s a collapsible thing, and it’s looks a fair few years old, but it’ll do for tonight." He opened the door fully and stood to one side while Carol stepped through. "It’s in the hall, I’ll just go get it."

They set the makeshift crib up in the girls’ room and Carol hung the same towels she’d used just a week ago over the curtain rail. Tess had been asleep on the floor of their room when she’d gone in to pick her up, and within minutes, both girls were slumbering peacefully beneath the blankets Doug had found for them. Carol dallied a little, sitting on the window seat, to be sure they were asleep, while Doug went to undress. When he came back through, she was leaning back against the sill, quiet and reflective.

"You okay?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Yeah, I’m fine. I was just thinking what we could do in this room…" She looked up, mildly embarrassed at being caught with such things on her mind and smiled widely. He came to sit close to her. "There are so many possibilities…"

"I know. That’s why I liked it so much…"

"The room or the house?" she asked, intrigued.

"Both," he confessed. "Cindy brought the brochure for the house into work. She’d seen it in the estate agents and decided she wanted to imagine it was hers." His customary chuckle was softer than usual, tempered by the need to be quiet for his sleeping children. "I saw it and… I don’t know… something told me it’d be a good buy…"

"An investment,"

"Yeah, I guess so," he smiled at her, his brown eyes glowing with warmth.

"What do you think, Doug?" He twisted to face her.

"What do I think about what?"

"Yellow curtains… hmm?" She stood up, released a happy sigh, and began a slow walk around the room. "And a big, soft rug in the middle…"

He grinned, leaning back to watch her. "You’ve got plans already, I see…" She went to him and took his hands in her own, grinning down at him, her eyes sparkling in the dimness.

"Sure… you don’t mind, do you?"

"Not at all. This is your house too now… make it your own…" He watched and listened with contented pleasure as she broke away and made another tour around the room, informing him with barely restrained enthusiasm of all the things she wanted to buy: old-fashioned jointed teddy bears, a dream-catcher, alphabet blocks with the girls’ names on them, lots of coloured cushions and a beanbag.

"I want them to grow up loving this room…" she said in a softer tone as she returned to his side. "My sister, Gina, had the attic bedroom in our house and I always wanted it. You could see for miles out of the window, and she had all these beautiful china dolls sitting on her dressing table. She never played with them, she just dusted them and brushed their hair. I wasn’t even allowed to touch them, but, Doug, they were so pretty… I used to wish I had that room," she sighed and smiled at the memory. "I want Tess and Kate to have the room I never had. Somewhere they can be in for hours and hours and never get bored…"

"And they’ll have it," he said, reaching out and taking her hand. Carol gazed at him, amazed, not for the first time, by his tenderness.

"You don’t mind?"

"Not for a second. I want the world for them…" He paused, his eyes warm, and then stood, holding out his hand. "Come on, while they’re sleeping, let’s leave them…" She reached up and took that hand, pulling him in, weaving her arm through his and resting her head briefly on his shoulder.

"I love you, Doug…" she murmured as they walked the short distance back along the corridor to their room. "You’re gonna be such a wonderful Daddy…"

He said nothing, but his smile told her all she needed to know.

They slipped under the cold sheets and lay holding one another for lingering minutes, basking in each other’s presence and warmth. He kept the table lamp on, and never took the moment beyond a lazy kiss. "It’s nice to have you here again…" he whispered finally.

"It’s nice to be here…" She looked up from her position in the crook of his arm and reached up to cradle his face. "And Doug, I know it’s made for a lot more trouble than you need, but I’m glad you brought us up this weekend with you. I don’t think I could have been on my own again all week."

"Well," he drawled, rolling the word around his mouth. "I thought you could get busy with the painting if you were here. Can’t have you sitting around doing nothing all day…" Carol opened her mouth in mock offence.

"So that’s why you were so keen to come back today, hmm?" He chuckled and stroked his fingers through her hair, trailing his hand down her forearm so he could pat her butt in a patronising manner.

"All part of the plan, kiddo…"

Trying to fight back her giggles, Carol extricated herself from his arms and gently eased on top of him, holding her weight up with her arms, hovering just above him. "And I thought you were being chivalrous…" she whispered, dipping a little to blow a tempting breath across the hair on his chest. "Saving me from terrible woe, taking me away to your castle…" Doug gazed up at her through his thick lashes, playing submissive to her posturing. She lingered above him for a minute longer and then placed the tip of her fingernail on his bottom lip. He took a deep breath, grinning at her and waited for her next move. It was tempting to reach up and pull her down onto him and ravish her, but he held back, seeing how she was enjoying herself. She tugged at his lip with her finger, and then traced it down his stubbled cheek and along his collar bone.

"And what happened after I rescued you and took you off to my castle…?" He murmured in a low, husky voice.

"Well…" But she got no further. From across the room, the baby monitor broke into their role play, little grumbles and chokes echoing out, stuttering into an impatient cry.

Carol looked up towards the monitor and sighed, her concentration broken. Doug gently slipped out from under her arm. "Okay, I’m coming…" he called softly, turning back in the doorway to cast her a tantalising glance, spreading his arms theatrically. "My lady, I have business to attend to…" He grinned as he heard Carol’s loud laugh follow him down the corridor.

When he wandered back into the room, twenty minutes later, Carol was lying back in bed with her pyjamas on, the duvet pushed down to her waist. "It was Tess. She’s fine though… I sat with her and she’s settled again…" He smiled, and then crawled back between the sheets. Carol rolled onto her side and looked at him.

"Thanks…"

"No problem," he murmured, reaching out to pass his hand across her cheekbone. "You’ve put your pyjamas on…" he noted, trying to sound casual. She smiled,

"You know, I’ve changed my mind… I really am tired…"

"Have I turned you off, hmm?" he teased gently, a twinkle behind his eye. She sighed,

"Hardly, Doug… I just need some sleep, that’s all… what with all we’ve got this weekend…"

He nodded, leaned over and kissed her quietly. "That’s okay. It’s been a busy day." He grinned. "I’ll still be here tomorrow…" He gently lifted the duvet up to her chin and watched as she settled her halo of curls into the pillow, sinking into the feathers. "Sleep tight, kiddo… Do you want the light off, or can I read for a little while?"

"No, go ahead," she whispered softly. "I’ll probably drift off anyway."

He smiled, letting out a slow breath, seeing how her eyes were already closed and her body was relaxing. "Yeah, probably… And don’t worry about the morning, I’ll get up for the movers…" She made a subdued, appreciative sound and then fell quiet.

Doug waited a few moments and then gently eased himself back to seated, adjusting the pillows so he could sit comfortably against the headboard. The only sounds were the quiet murmurings of the girls over the baby monitor, and the occasional crackle of the pages of the magazine. A short while later, the even hum of her sleeping breaths joined the symphony of sounds in his room and he set his magazine down to bask in the beauty of his new and familiar company.

He laid back down slowly, so as not to wake her, and then settled on his side watching her chest rise and fall, her lips open slightly and her perfect face take on the beautiful ease of sleep. He had no idea how long he remained that way, but when he finally fell to rest, the last thing he saw was her eyes twitch and her mouth smile, a dream catching her, his own body filling with warmth at the sight.

****

This guy was meant for me

And I was meant for him

This guy was dreamt for me

And I was dreamt for him

This guy has danced for me

And I have danced for him

This guy has cried for me

And I have cried for him

****

Doug woke early the following morning, having set his body clock for seven so he could be up and dressed before the removals van arrived at eight thirty. He rolled over and saw her, lying on her back, her head lolled slightly toward him, looking as beautiful as when he’d closed his eyes the night before. For a minute, he stayed very still, revelling in her presence here in his bed, but then, keen to be the first awake, to have the twins up and changed before she rose, he slipped out from the sheets and silently padded through to their room.

Kate was lying on her back in her end of the crib, making little contented burbles in the back of her throat. "Hey you, that’s a funny sound…" Doug murmured. She greeted him with a loud squeal and a few uncoordinated kicks. Tess, who had been still dozing, opened her eyes and looked up, curious as to what all the fuss was about. "And good morning to you too," he smiled at her. "Did you sleep well?"

He went to the window and pulled the two towels down, allowing the bright yellow sunshine of a glorious day to flood across the room. "It’s a beautiful day," he told them both. Kate gurgled in response, and he went back to the crib and lifted her out, cuddling her into his chest with a pat to her padded bottom. "Shall we get you changed, Mischief…?" Hauling herself to seated at the other end of the cot, Tess watched with wide eyes while Doug laid Kate down on the dresser and changed her, dressing her in the second of the two romper suits Carol had brought for each of them. "We’ll get you your proper clothes sorted today, okay… Then they’ll be none of this living in your pyjamas all day…" He lifted Kate up, holding her at arms length, and grinned at her. Smiling back, she reached out her little hand and caught the end of his nose loosely. "Hey, hey, your mom’s right… You do have hands everywhere…" He laughed and then sat her down on the carpet while he did exactly the same with a much less lively Tess, making sure to rub a little Sudocrem into his oldest’s diaper rash "This is getting better, isn’t it, hmm?" he said softly to her while he rubbed the cream into her skin. He dressed her in a pale lilac romper suit and then set her down beside Kate, whose attention was being held by the teether Doug had planted in her fist a moment earlier. "Okay, shall we go get some breakfast, ladies?"

"Thankyou, Doug…"

It was Carol’s voice from behind him and he turned to see her standing, wrapped in his robe, in the doorway. "Morning," he smiled. "Sleep well?"

"Very," she replied. "But you forgot something…" She held out the hand that had been behind her back and Doug saw that it held the disconnected baby monitor.

"Oops," he grinned. "Forgot about that… Did it wake you?"

Carol came into the room and picked Tess up and swung her onto her shoulder. "I’ve listened to the three of you gossiping for a while, yes…"

Doug looked down, embarrassed that he’d forgotten such an obvious thing, then glanced at his watch. "Sorry," he murmured. He smiled down at Kate and then bent at the waist to pick her up. "This one was already awake, cooing to herself." Looking over to Carol, Doug grinned, "I think she’s gonna be a talker…"

"Trouble with a capital ‘T’ more like…" she said, reaching over to tweak her daughter’s button nose. "It must be your genes coming through, Doug. I was never a bad baby…"

"Neither was I," he admonished as they headed out and down the stairs. "It was only when I turned thirteen that I started causing trouble."

Carol turned her head and narrowed her eyes, grinning, "Strangely, I can believe that…" From behind her, she heard his deep chuckle.

"Maybe they’re starting early…" he said, reaching out to capture Kate’s straying hand. "And speaking of starting early, I think we should get some breakfast for these two… else we’ll be greeting the movers indecently."

They went downstairs and while Carol sat at the table, with a baby on each knee, Doug fixed up toast for them and some cornflakes for the girls. "This is the first and only time," he told them as he placed two bowls of mostly milk on the table and took Tess from Carol, "that you’re allowed to sit on the table. Tonight, you’ll eat in your high-chairs." He set Tess down in the middle of the square of pine and reached over to prod Kate’s round belly with his finger. She breathed out thoughtfully and stared at him, her little eyebrows knitting briefly.

"They’re still not sure of me, are they?" Doug asked in a quiet voice when they’d finished feeding the girls their cornflakes and they were playing on the floor. Carol looked up abruptly from nursing her coffee cup.

"What do you mean? They know who you are…" She stared at him, seeing wounded disappointment in his eyes, even though he was fighting not to let her see.

"I know they do," Doug allowed, his eyes slipping to watch Tess as she fingered the carving of the table leg. "But sometimes I think about why they do… I mean," He paused, struggling for words. "I’ve been away so long…"

"They know you, Doug," Carol asserted, reaching for his hand, desperate to erase such thoughts from his mind. "They don’t remember what happened yesterday. And things are different, now. They’re going to see you every day…" He smiled, nodding gently, but his face was troubled.

"It just makes me sad, that’s all…"

"What’s there to be sad about?" She kept her tone confidential, observing how he’d lowered his voice, as if he didn’t want the girls to hear, even though they weren’t able to understand. Doug was quiet for a long moment, and even though he seemed to be watching the girls, his eyes were a million miles, and many months away…

"Cos I think of all I could have given them…" he disclosed finally.

His back was stooping slightly, and distressed by his melancholic absorption, Carol rose and knelt beside him. "All you can give them, Doug. Look at me," His eyes flew to her face, surprised by her candour. "You’ve got their whole life ahead of you." She smiled encouragingly, hoping dearly to chase that thought from his mind, if only because it reminded her of the pain and guilt she harboured from that time. "They’ll never see you as anything other than their Dad, because that’s how it is. You’re their father, Doug… no-one else will ever be that to them…" He studied her carefully, as if adjudging the credibility of her response, and then a slow smile spread on his face.

"Yeah, I guess so…"

She gave his hand another squeeze, aware that the matter had been only partially resolved. Doug’s memory, like her own, was so tainted with hurt that a short week had only begun to build bridges over the gorges in his mind. Inside, Carol knew that before those bridges would be completed, she had to replace that hurt with joy.

"Yeah. Now come on, we ought to go and make ourselves decent before these men arrive," she stood, pulling him to standing with her, and then leaned to pick Kate up. "We’ll put these two in the crib for a little while. They can play there while we get dressed."

He followed her upstairs, and they dressed quickly, returning to collect the babies before they lost interest in their toys and began to cry. "This is gonna be a handful with you two around, isn’t it…?" Carol smiled at her daughters as they grinned up at her mischievously from the crib.

"Oh, I’m sure we can put them somewhere out of the way… maybe in a cupboard, or one of the boxes…" Doug suggested nonchalantly, tucking Tess under his arm. Carol shot him a look. From downstairs, a knock came at the door and Doug started down, arriving at the front door in seconds. He swung it open and from the greeting he received, Carol knew it wasn’t the movers.

"Hey you! Long time, no see!"

It was Cindy. Carol craned her neck around to see her as she stood in the doorway. Her mousy hair was plaited into two pigtails and she was dressed down in a roomy navy blue rugby shirt and a pair of faded denims. "Hey there, come on in…" Doug was grinning widely as he beckoned her inside. "What’re you doing round here so early?"

Cindy ignored his question, noticing Tess tilting her head in his arms and instead dropped at the knees so she could look her in the face. "And who’s this, hmm?" she said, her sprightly voice directing the question at both the baby and Doug.

"This is Tess…"

"Hello there, Tess… you’re looking radiant today, darling," Doug chuckled, as Cindy took Tess’ reaching hand in a mock shake. Carol, standing at the top of the stairs, felt a need to make her presence known and started down the steps with Kate on her hip. Cindy looked up and caught her gaze, grinning. "Hey, Carol, how are you?"

"I’m fine, thanks. Tired, but fine…" She tilted her head slightly towards Kate, who was studying this new visitor inquisitively, her bottom lip hanging loosely and her chin coated in dribble. "Kate, say hello…" she said softly.

"Oh, this is Kate, hmm?" Cindy sank again at the knee and smiled generously into Kate’s face. "And you’re looking superb, too, honey…" Kate grinned back, her huge eyes sparkling with curiosity and reached out with her hand, snagging Cindy’s sleeve. She gently disentangled herself and then stood up straight.

"What are you here for, anyway?" Doug piped up.

Cindy pounced, "Well, if you’re gonna be like that, I think I’ll go…" She stuck her nose in the air and narrowed her sparkling eyes. "I was going to offer my help, but seeing as you clearly don’t want me… I shall leave…" She stalked towards the door. Doug made a noise in his throat, playing along with her game.

"That would be nice…" he said in a low voice. Cindy turned back, catching the tone of his voice.

"I think I missed that one, Doug. Did you say, ‘Sorry, Cindy, best and only friend, I would love your help?’" She glared at him teasingly, pushing a pointed finger into his chest and jabbing it a couple of times, stretching up to all of her five feet one inch.

"I have friends… they’re just not here right now…" Doug protested defensively, staring her out.

"Really? You do, hmm? Do you have a troop of skilled labourers hidden away too?"

Doug made a face, flicking his head and trying hard not to smile. "No,"

"I didn’t think so. To me, it looks like your workforce is not yet out of diapers, still dribbling and sadly lacking in communication skills…" Carol chuckled, looking over to Doug, who was squirming, and interrupted on his behalf,

"We’d love your help, Cindy. If you don’t mind, of course."

A grin flashed across Cindy’s elfin face as she glanced at Carol. "There you go, Doug… manners maketh the man…" Doug apologised quietly, but then added softly,

"I’m glad you’ve come… we could use you…"

"Well, don’t say anything too soon…"

Doug stared at her, confused. "Why?" An impish grin flooded her face with liveliness and then she turned back and yelled through the still open door,

"Hannah! Robbie! Come on!"

From outside, two car doors slammed in quick succession and instantly a skinny pale girl, with white blonde hair tied into pigtails and a smaller, darker-toned boy with a nose dotted with freckles and grass-stained dungarees appeared grinning in the doorway and rushed to Cindy’s side. "Hey, Uncle Doug!" Robbie squealed and rushed to Doug’s side, his arms wrapping themselves around his leg and giving it a hearty squeeze.

"Oh," Doug couldn’t help himself from saying, despite receiving a pointed glare from Cindy. "Hey kids," he recovered quickly. Hannah gave him an angelic smile and then took a step forwards and held out her hand to touch Tess’ foot. Robbie meanwhile, produced a green plastic wrench from the leg pocket of his dungarees,

"I’ve got my tools, Uncle Doug," he said excitedly. Doug gave a wicked grin.

"That’s great, kiddo… You’re gonna need them to get out of where I’m gonna put you…"

"Doug!" Carol admonished. "You’re a good boy, Robbie… I’m sure we’ll find you something to do…" Robbie made a little ‘yes’ sign with his fists, mouthing the word under his breath, and then asked with sudden sincerity,

"Can I do some hammering?"

"Course you can," Carol replied, watching the little boy’s face light up again. "I tell you what…" she said, bending slightly so she could whisper conspiratorially in his ear. Hannah came in closer so she too could hear. "Why don’t you two go play in the garden, and when I find something you can do, I’ll come and get you. Okay?" she suggested. Robbie and Hannah nodded their heads with big, eager smiles and Carol was reminded just why she’d chosen to have children.

"Go on, you know where to go… Just be careful around the lake!" Cindy called, even though her kids were already out of sight. The kitchen door slammed shut in their wake and Doug let out a chuckle,

"Great one, Cindy, bring the terrible two…"

"Well, I couldn’t do anything about it, Doug," she said as she headed off casually into the lounge. "Besides, they’re big enough to entertain themselves. It’s Tess and Kate we’ve got to worry about…"

"Don’t tell me about it," Carol interjected. "I think I’ll just put them in the playpen. It’ll keep them out of trouble…"

Cindy grinned. "Oh, be glad you can do that. Just you wait till they get walking. The playpen will become gym equipment. Robbie was up and walking by ten months and I had to put stair-gates up at every door because he was in all the cupboards, up the stairs and drawing on the walls." Carol made a face and Cindy laughed. "I just hope you’re ready for it!" Doug chuckled and set Tess down on the floor.

"Do you both want coffee?" he asked as Cindy and Carol made themselves comfortable on the sofa by the French windows, Cindy reaching over to take Kate from Carol and sit her on her knee.

"Sounds good, Doug," Cindy said absently, playing with Kate, whose trust she had plainly already won. He patted the doorframe and a minute later, they heard him in the kitchen, clanging three mugs down on the counter.

With Kate now on Cindy’s knee and Doug gone, Carol searched for something to fix her eyes on, unsure how to begin a conversation with this woman who was such a unique figure in her life. There was no denying the affability Cindy projected, but in the back of her mind, Carol was acutely aware that when she had imposed isolation on Doug, Cindy had welcomed him, and he had sought relief in her kindness. Instinctively, she found herself questioning what he had told her, and how Cindy perceived her, the cause of his pain.

Silent through a lack of anything to say, Carol nervously picked at the hem of her jeans, listening for Doug finishing in the kitchen, knowing his presence eased her awkwardness. His obvious intimacy with Cindy was touching to behold, particularly considering that all but a few of his friends in Chicago had been male, but Carol found herself jealous. When she had spent the year devoting herself to the girls and seeing old friendships move on before her eyes, he had found the sort of friend she had always wanted to have. She’d never been short of friends in her lifetime, but none apart from Doug had ever imparted the sort of trust that meant she would share everything with them as he had done with Cindy.

Like herself, Doug had always had many acquaintances, but even Mark, whom he would have named as his closest friend, would never have known the sort of detail Cindy clearly knew. Curious, not only about their special relationship, but what role this woman had played in recent times, she probed, "Cindy?"

"Yes, my love?"

Carol stopped, momentarily taken aback by the familiarity, but then smiled when she realised that it wasn’t at all patronising. "Thank you for looking after him," Cindy frowned slightly, surprised.

"Oh, I didn’t look after him… I was just there for him."

Carol immediately looked down, trying not to read into her words, reminded that she hadn’t been there. Seeing her discomfort, Cindy smiled, but it was a sympathetic smile. "I never meant to hurt him…" Carol murmured meekly.

"I know you didn’t…" she replied, moving to sit beside her. "Oh Carol, let me tell you the truth here…" Her eyes seemed genuine, and Carol found herself instinctively trusting this woman she knew so little about. "Doug is a wonderful guy. A really lovely thing, but when he first got here, he was like a month of Mondays." Cindy chuckled, as if recalling a specific situation from memory. "It was weeks before he’d even talk to me. It was like he was on autopilot… There was something going on under the surface, but I didn’t find out what it was for months." She waited, studying Carol. "And then he just spilled it all out, like he just couldn’t keep it to himself any longer. He told me about you, and the babies, and what happened in Chicago and I felt sorry for him. Not for what had happened in his personal life, I mean, that was his own problem, but just cos he didn’t deserve to be sad, because when he was happy, he was like a ray of light."

Carol’s eyes faltered, and she felt a familiar gnawing guilt burning in her stomach again. Cindy stood, tugged her shirt down and went over to stare out of the French windows. Carol waited for her to speak again, but she was quiet. Outside, she could see Doug walking out towards where Hannah and Robbie were playing beneath the beech trees, carrying two juice boxes and a packet of cookies. They saw him and greeted him with zealous enthusiasm, rushing up to take the juice from him and Carol smiled to herself, momentarily forgetting the past. "But you shouldn’t feel guilty, Carol…" Cindy said softly, turning back. Her smile was gentle and honest. "You know, not long after he told me everything, he asked me whether I thought he was doing the right thing… and I said that he had to do what he felt was right, not what anyone else thought. And the next day, he asked me…" She paused and her smile spread again, "He asked me if I’d mind helping him get through it. And at first, it started off that he’d just ask me to keep him busy. We’d stay late at work, or go out for drinks and dinner, and that’s when he told me about you."

Carol frowned slightly, immediately conscious of this woman’s rare position with Doug. It was entirely possible, she thought, that she knew more about him than she herself did. "He really loves you, Carol."

"I know," she murmured, distracted. A steady silence passed over them.

"We thought up the phone calls," Cindy added carefully, noting how Carol’s head rose and her eyes flashed with instant recognition. "And the animal crackers gift, and then the times when he’d just not call." She sat back down and leaned into the cushions of the sofa, chuckling low in her throat. "It was all a plan, Carol… all part of a plan we thought up to get you back for him."

Taking a sharp breath in, Carol remembered how he would call at the same time, late at night, and they’d talk about the girls and a lot of nothing, then thought how she became so lonely when he hadn’t rung. Smiling in admittance, she realised that their plan had worked, and found herself strangely embarrassed.

Leaning forward, Cindy rested her chin on her hands. "But now… he’s different. He’s happier than I’ve ever known him, and I’m glad you’ve given him that back. But, I have to say that I always knew it would happen… sooner or later."

From the kitchen, they heard the door bang against the wall and Carol glanced up toward the hall, hearing china clinking together. Doug appeared in the doorway juggling three mugs, filled to their brims with steaming coffee and set them down on the side table. "Cindy, one sugar and milk…" he said, handing her one mug. "And milky coffee for you…" he handed Carol her mug, and then sank into the other armchair with his own mug. "What’ve you been talking about?" he asked.

Cindy smiled. "Oh, this and that…" She glanced over to Carol and winked. "Thanks for sorting the kids out." Doug nodded,

"Well, you’ll be pleased to know they seem to be busy doing something suspicious with spades and my flowerbed…" Cindy chuckled and put her mug down, the contents too hot to drink immediately, and added,

"I told you they’d keep themselves entertained."

Doug was about to reply when the doorbell punctuated their conversation. "That’ll be the moving company…" he said, a little unnecessarily and set his mug down, pushing himself up on his knees and heading out of the door.

They heard the door click from its latch and two gruff voices greeted him, "Hathaway. Chicago to Seattle."

"Yeah, that’s us… thanks," he said, and the door banged shut again.

"Well, I guess we’ll have to finish our talk later, Carol," Cindy said, standing up and rolling her shirt sleeves up. Carol smiled in return,

"Yeah, that’d be nice… Doug’s a great listener, but he’s still a guy," she joked.

"Oh, I know," Cindy shook her head. "You can only take so much football." They headed out of the door, Cindy glancing back over her shoulder with a knowing grin. "Carol, I think I’m gonna enjoy this. Let’s get to work and then we can have a real girlie chat."

****

Many miles, many roads

I have travelled

Fallen down on the way

Many hearts, many years

Have unravelled

Leading up to today

****

Carol was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the lounge, surrounded by mountains of cardboard boxes when Doug returned with the movers. He flashed her a cheerful grin and then dumped yet another box in the doorway. "You’re not doing very well in here," he joked, casting her a sly wink. "I thought you’d have been finished already."

The burly and bearded men accompanying him, dressed in filthy blue overalls, smirked when they peered over the wall of boxes and saw her marooned in the centre of the room. She left a suitable silence after his comment and he wandered back outside, chuckling with the men. Carol stared at the doorway, pouting irritably until they disappeared out of earshot.

"Carol? This one says ‘kitchen’ on it, but it seems to have books in it… Is that right?" Cindy’s voice echoed through to the quiet room from the kitchen. The twins were settled, finally, in their playpen in the hallway, under Doug’s watchful eyes. Sighing, she hauled herself to standing and negotiated the boxes, climbing the few carpeted steps up to the dining room and opened the Georgian-style glass doors that led through to the kitchen.

"Hey, what was that?" she asked, spotting Cindy on her knees beside a battered looking cardboard box.

"This one," she indicated. "It’s got books in it, but they’re not cookery books. I wondered if you’d put the wrong name on it…" Carol came to peer over her shoulder, seeing stacks of all her favourite novels, The Girl’s Guide To Hunting And Fishing, Bridget Jones and The Joy Luck Club and her heavily thumbed copies of Pride and Prejudice and Emma. "Oh damnit, that’s supposed to be upstairs…" she cursed, knowing it would be far too heavy for her to manage up the stairs alone. Cindy looked up, biting her lip, waiting for a further suggestion. "I’ve done it in the other room as well. I’ve taped them up and then got it wrong. We’ll have to get Doug to move them upstairs… Nevermind."

Cindy grinned, climbing to her feet. "Don’t worry about it, Carol. I did it myself when I moved out, and anyway, Doug’ll sort it out. He’s got some brawn, if not brains. Shall I come and help you in there? Then you can tell me where to put things."

"Sure…"

They walked back through to the lounge and Cindy let out a gasp of amazement, seeing the random pieces of furniture that had joined the boxes in the last few minutes. "Wow, you’ve got a lot of stuff!" Carol made a face, and moaned,

"I had no idea. It never looked much in the house…" She sighed heavily. "I was always buying new stuff cos I thought the walls looked bare or there was a patch that just, you know, needed something…" She went to the first box and ran her fingernail along the tape, splitting it and reaching inside.

"Okay, if you wanna pass stuff out and tell me where you want it…"

Carol handed out numerous pieces of china, throwing the newspaper she’d wrapped them in onto the floor and pointed out suitable spots for them around the room. Photograph frames and glassware came next, and they flung the empty box toward the door. The second box they opened contained silk flowers, a table lamp, a mantel clock, sofa cushions and a coloured throw. "It’s strange, isn’t it?" Cindy said as they found homes for the items around the room.

"What?"

"I bet it feels really nice to be doing this…"

Carol paused, handed over a square-edged green glass vase, and thought for a moment. "I guess it does," she allowed. "I’ve not really had a chance to think about it, though, cos things have been so busy."

"I know I felt strange moving into my house…"

"I’m not sure what it is though…" Carol continued, as though Cindy hadn’t even spoken. "I mean, part of me is sad that I’ve had to leave my old house," She released an indrawn breath, and perched on the arm of the sofa, her hands falling limply onto her knees. "But I’m happy I’m here…"

Cindy stopped and studied her distant expression. Carol looked up and smiled unusually. "I know how you feel…" Cindy said softly, thinking back to all the turmoil that had led to her own move to Seattle. "It’s hard, cos you feel like you’re leaving behind all of your life so far. Or, at least, that’s how I felt…"

"I felt like I was letting go…" Carol added in a low voice, and looked toward the door, concerned that Doug might hear her misgivings. "Not really leaving it behind, but sort of packing it away and moving on…"

"Which is what it is…" Cindy concluded for her. "It’s an ever-changing life…"

Carol bobbed her head in agreement. "But I’m happy with it. I’m happy I’m here, doing this…" she gestured around the room.

"So was I… But it doesn’t make it a softer place to land," she smiled, and sat on one of the larger unemptied boxes, her feet dangling off the end.

"Why did you come here?" Carol ventured gently, curious.

"In the first place?" Cindy blew air out through her teeth. "Oh, many reasons… many, many reasons."

There was a secretive silence, and Carol immediately regretted having asked the question, instantly aware she’d made her budding friend uncomfortable. "I’m sorry," she said carefully. "I shouldn’t have asked that…"

"No, you have a perfect right to know. Doug knows, so you should too."

Carol blinked in surprise, noting Cindy’s apologetic tone. She took a deep breath in, then spoke slowly, her eyes distant and crossing a barbed wire into memory, "I married my high-school sweetheart, Nigel. I was nineteen." She smiled. "We left college and ran off to the city, as kids do, and he found a job and we rented a house. Things were rough, but we made it through and were the stronger for it… Nigel got a promotion, and we bought our first house, and then Hannah was born. Everything was perfect,"

Cindy stopped, swallowing audibly, as if bracing herself. "Everything was perfect for a year, and then things started happening…" Abruptly, she rose and paced restlessly over to the front window, staring absently through the glass. "He started being late home from work. He’d say it was his new job, that he was working overtime so he’d have more money for us, and at first, I wasn’t suspicious. But then it started getting predictable. He’d be early some nights, then late on others. We had our first big fight about it, and I went to stay with my friend. But, he came round with roses and…" She paused, frowning at herself. "And I was a sucker. I went back to him," A sigh punctuated her. "Things settled down for a while. I got pregnant with Robbie, but shortly after he was born, it started up again." Cindy paused, and dropped her head, turning back into the room.

The silence chilled Carol, knowing she’d had the same horrifying experiences in her time… some of them with Doug. The stand-ups. The excuses. It was all hideously recognisable. "And you got divorced?" she asked, hoping to move her on past the worst memories.

"Yeah," Cindy said bitterly. "It was the nurse. He’d been seeing a private nurse about his knee. He’d injured it playing football at school and he’d been having treatment for it for a couple of years, and he’d been having an affair with her pretty much since day one." Scoffing, she shook her head. "She was nineteen, Carol… Nineteen years old."

"Oh God…" Carol couldn’t help herself. "And he’d been seeing her for two years?"

"Two years," Cindy repeated incredulously, as if she could barely believe it herself. "He told me about her over the phone, from the airport. They were moving to Hawaii, and he’d sold the car and closed his bank accounts down." She sighed. "I had just over five hundred dollars to my name, a four year old and a baby barely out of diapers. The mortgage payments were in his name, and there was no way I could afford to keep them up. I had no job and no relatives who could take us in this country… I was so desperate, I went to England for a while and stayed with Nigel’s parents. They couldn’t believe what he’d done to me, and really, I don’t know what I’d have done without them."

A smile graced her face for the first time in ten minutes. "But I couldn’t stay forever, and I missed home… We flew back over here, and lived all over. Anywhere I could get a job, really. New York, Boston… and then here. We’ve been here for nearly two years, and I’ve got the best job I’ve ever had…"

"Do you think you’ll stay here?" Carol was awed by her story, taken aback by the triumph of happiness over adversity.

Cindy nodded, her eyebrows arching in thought. "Yeah, I guess so. I like this place, and I love my job. The kids are at school here and we’ve got a nice home, so yeah, I think we will." She smiled broadly. "And I’ve got friends here…"

Carol’s face lit up, touched by her trust. "Yeah, you have…"

****

And what you don’t have you don’t need it now

And what you don’t know you can feel it somehow

What you don’t have you don’t need it now

You don’t need it now, don’t need it now

It was a beautiful day…

- U2, lyrics taken from ‘Beautiful Day’ -

****

In the hallway, Carol’s old school clock announced the hour with five chiming strikes, but throughout the rest of the house, silence presided. In the lounge, at the foot of a mountain of emptied cardboard boxes, two small children sat spellbound by the primary coloured cartoons of afternoon television and up the stairs, in the homeliness of the clean and organised spare room, Doug laid out on the bed, freeing a sigh from tired lungs. "I think we should give it a break now…"

Cindy pushed another handful of paperbacks into a bookcase and then joined him on the end of the bed, her shoulders slumping. "Oh, please. If I don’t stop soon, I’m gonna lose the will to live,"

"Carol?" Doug called.

"Yeah?" came a voice from the next room, followed immediately by a playful yell from one of the girls.

"How you doin’?"

She appeared in the doorway, her curls pinned randomly on top of her head, with Kate hanging around her chest in a baby carrier, and her hands fighting with a little pair of baby trousers and a coat hanger. "Well, it would be easier if I didn’t have Little Miss Trouble to contend with…" she sighed resignedly. "And if my back wasn’t telling me to sit down now."

Doug rose and unstrapped the carrier from her back and then took Kate away from her. "We’re gonna give it a break…" he told her, teasing a lively and excited Kate with the Beanie Baby horse he’d had poking out of his shirt pocket all day. "Crack open a bottle, order some take-out, and put our feet up."

"Oh, you have no idea how good that sounds…" Carol moaned, sitting down on the bed with a wince and rolling her head to stretch the ache out of her neck. "I’m mostly done now, anyway. There’s just my shoes and another black bag of linen and towels."

"Leave them till tomorrow…" Doug suggested, "I think we’ve done enough for today." He eased himself down onto the carpet and sat Kate down opposite him, returning to his game with the Beanie Baby. Kate squealed in delight as he galloped the floppy horse over her shoulders and head, then made it leap from her head onto her feet. Carol watched him out of one lethargic eye, smiling to herself.

"Where’s Tess?" Cindy enquired.

"Asleep in her crib. I gave her some dinner half an hour ago and she just dropped…"

"I guess Hannah tired her out," Doug grinned, recalling how he’d put Tess in her stroller, and Hannah had pushed her all around the garden, telling her stories of fairies for an hour or more. When she’d finally grown tired of playing Mommy, she’d astutely pushed the muddied stroller into the kitchen, leaving a trail of grass and dirt on the lino, and then rushed upstairs to inform Carol that Tess was feeling sleepy and wanted to go to bed. "But, somehow I can’t see this one sleeping a wink…" he gazed at Kate, still wearing her dirty bib from dinner, as she reached out and grabbed the Beanie Baby in her chubby fist. He tugged it gently out of her grasp and hid it behind him. Leaning forward, Kate almost toppled as she stretched to reach it again. He caught her with a palm on her stomach and set her balanced again. "I guess you’ll have to come with us, hmm?" he said to her. Kate made no response, her interest still focused on the little horse.

"What do you fancy? Italian or Chinese?" Cindy asked.

"Chinese," Carol answered without hesitation, and Doug looked up at her with a grin.

"Been waiting for that question, have you?"

"Sure have," she grinned back. "And I’m waiting for this bottle you just promised, too…"

Doug gave a melodramatic sigh and stood up, handing Kate her toy and swinging her onto his hip. "Okay, okay, I’m going… White or red?" Carol looked over to Cindy for her preference.

"You can’t beat a good Chardonnay…"

"Okay, one chilled Chardonnay on its way," he announced and headed out of the room. Cindy and Carol followed him. "Where are your kids, by the way Cindy?" Doug threw his question over his shoulder without looking back.

"Glued to some form of screen, I would guess… Kids?!" she finished when they’d descended the stairs. A couple of inarticulate grunts came from the lounge and Doug chuckled. "See, told you…"

She crept around the door to the lounge and tip-toed up behind Hannah and Robbie then enveloped them both in a bear hug. Their screams of shock quickly morphed into laughter and Cindy pulled them both up and squeezed them against her. On the television, Johnny Bravo chattered away until she reached out her hand, snagged the remote control from the arm of the sofa and pressed the standby button. Robbie squealed in indignation, "Mom!"

"You’ll get square eyes…" Cindy warned him, scrubbing his strawberry mop of hair. "We need to know what you want from the Chinese…"

"Ooh, dinner!" he exclaimed.

"You want some rice and a prawn toast, hmm?"

"Yeah!" he bounced briefly on the spot. Doug chuckled at him, heading over to the French windows and pushing them open to reveal the warm evening. He pegged the doors back and moved the wooden furniture into a circle. Carol joined him while Cindy sorted out her kids with what they wanted to eat.

It was a hazy, calm evening, the sun still shining bright and yellow across the water, not a single breath of wind to rustle the leaves of the trees. Out on the lake, the snow-white forms of a pair of mute swans melted into view, gliding together across the mill-pond stillness. Behind them, silvery ripples coursed out, converging together and spreading ever further. Even Kate was quiet. Carol released a soft, peaceful breath, and silently, Doug reached for her and pulled her into his side, wrapping his arm around her waist.

****

This guy has prayed for me

And I have prayed for him

This guy was made for me

And I was made for him

Many miles, many roads

I have travelled

Fallen down on the way

Many hearts, many years

Have unravelled

Leading up to today

****

Little metallic cartons lay in various states of full on the slatted wooden table, along with cleared plates, knives, forks and spoons and a couple of sets of unused chop-sticks, still held together with their coloured string. There were bottles of wine on the table, one empty, the second with two glasses or so gone from it, soy sauce and chilli oil. The three companions seated around the table were leaned back in their chairs, stuffed and sated from the meal, nursing delicate stemmed crystal wine glasses.

"I don’t think I’ll need to eat for a week after that little lot…" Cindy said, adjusting the waistband on her jeans and blowing air out through her mouth. Doug looked up, still crunching away at a bag of shrimp crackers. "How can you eat anymore?" she exclaimed, her eyebrows raised in disbelief.

Doug shrugged. "Well, these won’t heat up tomorrow…"

"Urgh,"

Carol smiled at him. "He can eat what he wants. It’s his waistline… and after all, if he gets tubby, I might stop finding him attractive…" Cindy gave a hoot of laughter and Doug flicked his head at Carol, one eyebrow raised and his mouth full of shrimp cracker, and replied,

"Really?" He swallowed and leaned over, planting a smacking kiss on her lips. "I love you too,"

She pushed him away, giggling. "You taste of fish, Doug."

"Now there’s something…" he teased. They fell into comfortable silence, sipping their wine. Down the garden, on the jetty, Hannah and Robbie could be seen sitting, their voices only barely audible. "What are they doing?"

"I have no idea…" replied Cindy. "I think they’re sulking. They wanted you to take them out in the boat."

Doug rolled his eyes. "They always want to go out in the boat. I don’t know what they see in it…"

"Oh, come on, Doug," she admonished. "You were a kid once. When you’re seven, anything associated with water is fascinating. And, besides, they’d never been on a boat until I brought them here…" He sighed, wearily, knowing she was about to start pleading with him.

"It’s getting dark though," he tried to protest before she’d even really started.

"All the more exciting," Carol interrupted. He cast her a daggered look, then climbed jadedly to his feet.

"I ache in places I didn’t even know I could," he complained as he headed off down the garden. "Hey kids," he shouted. "Wanna go for a boat ride?" Robbie and Hannah cheered enthusiastically, and flung themselves into the boat, even before Doug had stepped onto the jetty.

Cindy chuckled to herself. "He’s good with them, really…" she murmured as they watched him launch the boat from its holding rack. "He’s never once been anything less than accommodating." Carol smiled faintly.

"He surprised me," she said thoughtfully. "When he came to see the girls when they were tiny, and just slipped right into it. I mean, it took me a while to figure it all out, but he was just straight in there. He gelled with them right away, without even trying…"

"He’s definitely got a way with kids. Was he a good doctor?"

Nodding emphatically, Carol responded, "He was the best paediatrician in the hospital… probably in all of Chicago." Her head sank a little, thinking back to the time when he’d tasted due success in his last months at County. "He was so focused, so calm in the face of seemingly lost causes. He had this special gift with kids… he treated them like kids…" she paused, knowing she probably sounded confusing.

"What do you mean?"

Carol looked across and smiled, "Well, a lot of paediatricians treat kids like little adults. They talk to them like they understand what’s happening to them, like they’re even interested… Doug would just…" she struggled, trying to explain with her hands. "He’d just give them what they wanted. They didn’t want scary stories about operations they had to have or big tests or shots they needed, they just wanted to be told everything was okay. And the older ones, he knew they didn’t want to be patronised. They wanted to know what was going on… but he knew how to tell them and not worry them…" Carol sighed, regrettably. "He really was gifted."

"You’ve picked a good one, Carol… I’m jealous..." Cindy chuckled, seeking to lighten her mood. Carol glanced over.

"You haven’t met anyone since Nigel?"

She screwed her face up. "I have, but it’s difficult… I’ve got two young kids, and a nine to five job. I leave work about quarter past five, drive to my cousin’s, pick Hannah and Robbie up, bring them home and cook them dinner. We eat, then I help them do their homework. Once they’ve finished, I give them both baths, watch them brush their teeth and put them in their pyjamas, sort them out with hot milk and a cookie then let them watch TV. While they’re quiet, I wash the pots and pans up, clean the kitchen and then do whatever laundry or ironing or tidying there is to do. I put them to bed at eight, and only then do I get some time on my own. And by that point," she gasped for breath. "I’m absolutely beat."

"It must be really hard…"

"The thing is," she explained. "I’d love to have another relationship. I’d love to find a good man who could fill in the vacant lot Nigel left behind, but he’d have to be an angel to accommodate all of that…"

There was a moment’s silence, Carol desperate to raise a question she wasn’t even sure whether she wanted to know the answer to, but still, felt compelled to ask. Cindy was meditative, so she spoke uncertainly, "Did you ever… you know, like Doug…" Carol cursed herself internally, realising how ridiculously girlish she had just sounded. Cindy glanced up, a knowing smile tugging at her lips.

"Do you want the honest truth?"

Carol nodded, biting her lip. "Yes," she admitted. "We were in our boss’s office for a meet and greet, and he was late. I was already nervous, cos I was desperate to please my boss, but then he walked in through the door, in a suit and a tie and I have to admit, I thought he was… let’s say, pleasing on the eye," she giggled, glancing over to Carol to adjudge her, but on seeing a fascinated and amused face, continued, "I’d been kind of expecting an older man, you know, beard, frizzy hair, lecturer’s dress sense, so boy, did I get a shock!"

An inadvertent chortle escaped from Carol’s mouth, mentally putting Doug’s face to Cindy’s description, and she held herself in, shaking. "So, Carol…" Cindy said in a dish-the-dirt talk show host voice, "What did you think when you first saw him?"

Sobering, Carol took a steadying breath. "Well… unfortunately, his reputation had preceded him."

"His reputation?"

"Yeah. He was a bit of a womaniser. Well, a lot of one, actually." She twitched slightly, unwilling to recall the past when she’d so long ago put it behind her and come to trust him. "I was instantly attracted, but my common sense sort of tempered it," she allowed. "I’ve loved him for a very long time, but it took us both a while to realise how we felt."

"Ahh…" Cindy stopped, sensing that she was on sticky ground, and changed the subject. "So, was there anyone else while you were apart?"

Carol breathed in and held the breath as forgotten thoughts of Luka Kovac reappeared in her mind. "There was another man, but we were no more than friends. We spent time together, and he was good for me… in a way…" she paused and narrowed her eyes a little. "But I guess he was bad for me too, cos he had this way of making me forget about this…" She motioned around her, signalling Doug and his life away from her.

"But you’ve done the right thing…"

"Yeah, I know it’s right that I’m here. It… it feels right. I don’t feel lonely any more." Her smile was sparkling. "I love him," she gave a little, contented shrug. "And what point is there in fighting that?"

"None at all," Cindy smiled, charmed by her inner peace. Over her words, the engine of the motorboat echoed into range and they both looked up to see Doug and Hannah and Robbie chugging up to the jetty. Robbie waved excitedly from the stern, his giant smile visible even over the distance and darkening light. Cindy waved back, standing and making her way down the garden, Carol following.

Doug unloaded the two children from the boat, lifting them underneath their arms and swinging them onto the jetty. "What do you say?" Cindy prompted as Doug moored the boat again.

"Thank you," they chorused in unison.

"Not a problem…"

"Well, I think we should be going…" Cindy added, glancing at her watch. "It’s been a late night for you two,"

"Noooo!" Robbie complained loudly. "I wanna stay!"

"You can’t, sweetheart…" Sulking momentarily, Robbie made a face, so Cindy bribed, "What about Rupert Bear? If you stayed here, you’d have to sleep without him…" Instantly, the little boy’s face changed.

"Okay," he agreed immediately. Carol grinned.

"You can come again, Robbie. You’ve been a good boy," His face lit up again.

"Well, come on, kids… let’s leave Uncle Doug and Auntie Carol." She reached for Hannah and Robbie’s hands and they all started back up the garden, slowly climbing the steps. Once in the driveway, she bundled the kids into the back seat and strapped them in, then shut the doors and turned to Doug and Carol. "They’ve had a good time. Again," she smiled. "I hope you get everything sorted tomorrow. If you don’t, or if you need anything at all, you know where I am," she told Doug. "Don’t hesitate to call."

"Thanks for the help," Carol replied as Cindy slipped behind the wheel of her car and wound down the window. "And all the rest…" She nodded,

"See you on Monday, Doug… and we’ll have to sort something out for a night out without the kids. Maybe a meal?"

"Sounds good," Carol agreed. Cindy started up the engine and slowly backed out of the drive, then got the kids to call from the back as she drove off out of sight. They waved her gone, and then Doug turned back to Carol and smiled.

"Oh, what a day…"

"Mmm…" She sighed and reached for his hand. "I think I’m ready for bed…"

His grin was spectacular. "You think?"

****

I have no regrets

There’s nothing to forget

All the pain was worth it

Not running from the past

I tried to do what was best

Know that I deserve it

****

"You want to finish the rest of that wine?" he asked as they came back into the house, Doug locking the door behind him.

Carol was half way up the stairs when he spoke, and she turned, catching his eyes and smiling saucily, "Yeah… why not?" Doug grinned.

"Okay. I’ll finish locking up and I’ll see you upstairs…"

He disappeared into the kitchen and she continued up the stairs, feeling the muscles in her thighs straining after the efforts of the day. Once in the bedroom, she rooted around through the chest of drawers, selecting a cotton tank top and a pair of loose-fitting pyjama bottoms, clean, but still smelling of Chicago. She saw the endless supply of grey t-shirts he wore to bed stacked in the same drawer as her bedclothes and smiled. He was back in her life.

She peeled jeans from swollen legs and threw them carelessly into the wicker wash bin, along with the sweaty, dust-stained t-shirt, socks and underwear she’d worn that day. She gave the solid lid of the bin a tap with her palm and it fell down with a thump.

Contentedly, she walked naked around the bedroom for a moment, soaking in the pleasure of being a part of this house, her touch already showing up all around her. On the wall above the bed were her framed prints of bright summer flowers, on the bedside tables were her cream lamps, on the dresser, her perfumes, makeup, hairbrush and hair mousse, sitting beside his aftershave and deodorant. The wardrobe held her clothes. The windowsill was now home to her yellow silk sunflowers and her glass vase.

She put her bedclothes on, then, her mind drifting to the girls, went to peep around the half-ajar door to their room. Inside, Tess and Kate were sleeping silently in their separate cribs, their toy-box in the corner of the room, their mobiles hung over their cribs and on the dresser, their plastic changing mat, baby powder, wipes and the selection of rattles and teethers she used to keep them quiet while she changed them. From the novelty nightlight on top of their wardrobe, a multicoloured cascade of carousel horses, tigers and rabbits danced across the sky blue walls. Gazing at the animals as they changed colour and span around, Carol sighed happily. She pushed the door open a little further, stepping onto the bare floorboards, willing them not to creak, and gazed over the bars of the cribs to see her daughters’ sleeping forms.

Ten strong, warm fingers slipped their way around her waist and she tilted her head, looking up at him with a broad smile. "Caught me," she whispered affectionately. He smiled back with tender eyes. "I love to watch them sleep."

"They have that way of capturing you…"

A sigh escaped her lungs. "Always… since they were born, I’ve felt…" she paused, searching for the words to continue. "I feel spellbound… like they’ve got this hold over me, and I hate to let them out of my sight." He was silent behind her, his hands resting on her jutting hip bones. "I can’t let them out of my sight. And sometimes… when I’m holding them…" She felt his lips brush her neck like two caressing feathers and arched. "When I was feeding them, there was this feeling inside me that just… overcame me…"

"Love," he murmured in a soft, barely audible voice.

"Yeah," She reached behind her and looped him in her arms, rubbing the small of his back with her thumbs. "Love…"

They were silent for a long moment, both of their eyes held by the sight of two little children outstretched beneath pastel coloured blankets, then Doug gently took her hands in his own and led her into the room, quietly seating her on the window seat. He stared at her, a faint smile visible on his face, the skin around his eyes crinkling ever so slightly. "I want to ask you something…" he said softly. "Something I need you tell me… something I need to know…"

She tilted her head questioningly. "Mmm…?"

"What was it like?"

"What was what like?" she asked, puzzled, but sensing the intensity of his question and of the emotion that filtered through in his voice. His eyes were captivated, focused solely on her face.

"When they were born…" he murmured, faltering slightly, as if he were unsure of her response. "When you… when you went into labour…"

Carol’s head dropped, her eyes deserting his for the first time in five minutes or more. Frowning, and feeling strangely self conscious, she took her hand away from his and slid back along the cushion until her back was pressed up against the wall, then drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She let her chin rest on her knees for a moment, studying him. His face was vaguely edgy, bordering on being completely blank, aside from his eyes, which were glowing with a mixture of intrigue and doubt. She took a deep breath and began:

"I woke up with the alarm and when I stood up, I felt dizzy… sort of, drunk, I guess is the best way to describe it. It vanished almost immediately, so I kinda forgot about it. Then I got dressed to go into the hospital… Lydia had asked me to come in for some papers…" Carol stopped, her recollection of the day faded slightly. "And I was really hot… that’s right. I was so hot I could barely stomach to put any clothes on. And I was tired… really, really tired. Like I’d not slept at all, even though I knew I had…"

She looked up to Doug. Still his face was mostly expressionless. "I got into work only to find out that Lydia had gotten off early and wasn’t even there. I was really cross, but just so tired and achy I couldn’t even summon the energy to argue. I left, and then, on the El, my water broke." She swallowed, then began again, knowing what was coming next and worried for his reaction to it. "I got off the El to change trains. I knew I had to go back to the hospital, but all of sudden… I had these extreme pains in my stomach. Like something was wringing my insides out. It was happening, Doug, and I know it sounds stupid, but I’d kind of told myself that it never would… I sat there on a bench and thought if I stayed still, really still, I mightn’t have another contraction."

A sympathetic smile briefly crossed his face. "Then Luka was there. I guess he must have gotten off another train or something, but suddenly there he was, and he was telling me to hum… but it hurt… oh God, it hurt…" Her voice stumbling, her eyes closing for a moment, remembering the staggering pain. "It hurt so much I didn’t want to move. But he kept telling me to move. That we had to get to the hospital. We got the next El, and there was this old man who was going to pull the ‘stop’ cord and I yelled," she smiled, uncomfortably. "I was awful, Doug. I was so rude… We got off the train and started down the steps, and then I had another contraction… and it was bad. I had to sit down cos all of a sudden, I needed the toilet. It felt like I was gonna burst. Luka was trying to persuade me to move, but I didn’t want to. I thought I was gonna wet myself if I moved. And then I went all faint… and I just remember waking up with people heaving me onto a gurney. They banged my knee cos I was so huge, they just couldn’t lift me."

Quietly, Doug chuckled, but from his chuckle, Carol could tell he was deeply affected by her words. She looked at him and thought she’d never seen him so exposed. "I didn’t want to have the baby in the ER… I wasn’t going to… but then Kerry told me it was coming, and I knew it. I could feel it, like it was splitting me apart. The… the pain was unbelievable…" she stopped and caught his eyes. "And I wanted you… I was crying cos I wanted you and you weren’t there and it was just me and all the staff in the ER. I felt like I was the freak show, or something. Like everyone was looking at me and thinking…"

"Thinking what?" he jumped in as she took a breath. Surprised at his sudden interjection, Carol replied,

"Thinking how stupid I was to have got myself into this situation… but no-one mentioned anything. I was so cross, cos I could tell they all wanted to say something." She sighed, biting her tongue, knowing she was angry and she really shouldn’t be in front of him, when he’d not been there and she’d been in so much pain and she had no idea even if she’d just made it all up. Her thoughts accelerating, she continued in a little less detail, not wishing to relive it all when it was still so vivid in her mind. "And then she was there… A girl… a little girl… pink and beautiful." An instantly blinding smile flashed onto her face and stayed there as she looked across to where Tess slept, silently revelling in a moment of happy memory.

She looked back and he was smiling too, warmer than before. "Was Mark there? Did he help you?" he asked.

"Yeah, he was there… he was great…" She grinned. "But I think he got sick of me later…"

"Why?"

"Well, they took me upstairs and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I couldn’t say yes fast enough…" She blew air out through her nose and shook her head, still smiling. "But that wasn’t as easy as I’d thought. They had to lean me forward…"

"Yeah, it’s just with pregnant women… the vertebrae are compressed together with the position of the spine. It’s just so you can hit it straight away, and you don’t have to fumble around."

She nodded, "That’s what Mark said, but while they leaned me forward, I had another contraction… and I wanted to die. I thought I was dying… it was the worst moment of my life. I almost broke Mark’s hand, and I was crying, partly from the pain, which was unbelievable, and partly from the fear. Oh, Doug, I was so scared. Absolutely terrified. And the worst thing of all was the thought that I couldn’t turn back. I couldn’t stop now. I hadn’t really had time to think much about Tess, but this was different. It was so terrifying."

Unspoken, he shifted his position and reached for her hand. She gave it him and scooted along the cushion to sink into his embrace. She’d have loved to have done this then, to have felt those solid, calming arms embracing her and his kiss on her hair. She shuffled a little, getting comfortable, then added, "But once the epidural kicked in, I was better. The pain was dulled to a sort of ache… and I just laid there, my mind empty. They’d strapped a band around me and I had Mark with me. I think I actually started to relax. Then, all of a sudden, the monitor starting bleeping and they’d lost the heartbeat." Carol grimaced, her eyes scrunching. "This awful feeling flooded me. I can’t describe it. And that was when they did the C-section. She wasn’t getting any oxygen, cos the cord was constricted… and before I knew it, even though I was telling them not to, they took me through to an OR and cut me open. I looked across and there she was… but she was blue…" She paused, swallowing, remembering the utter fear that had descended on her. "I was screaming at Mark for the Apgar, but he just kept telling me she was fine. And then… then they were saying my uterus was boggy and I was haemorrhaging. Coburn was calling for a hysterectomy tray, and, I have no idea…" Looking up to Doug, she took the back of his head in her hand and pressed their foreheads together. "But something just told me. I couldn’t have one. I just couldn’t let that happen…" she smiled, enjoying the passage of his hand along her side. "And now I know why…"

His eyes showed his emotion, becoming watery. "Carol, I love you…" he whispered in a cracking voice. "I wish I’d been there…"

She reached up and kissed him gently. "You were, kind of…" She tapped her heart. "You were here all along. Every time I closed my eyes I could see you." He blinked back his tears, smiling blissfully through them, and Carol realised that she was sure she’d never loved him as much as she did right now, with his stubble darkening his jaw, his eyes rimmed with wetness and his smile lighting up the room. She looked over to Tess and Kate, still unmoving in their cribs, completely unaware of the love that burned in their room. "They’re your girls, Doug," she murmured.

He leaned forward and kissed her, "And you’re mine…" He stood. "Come to bed and let me love you…"

****

Many miles, many roads

Have I travelled

Fallen down along the way

Many hearts, many years

Have unravelled

Leading up to today

And I thank you

****

He led her down the corridor, walking backwards, refusing to take his eyes from her face. Carol smiled bashfully at his intense attention, but could feel her heartbeat increasing with every step they made closer to the bedroom. Once inside, he guided her to the edge of the bed and then, quite unexpectedly, bent at the knee and picked her up. She giggled in his arms as he laid her out on the bed. "Stay still," he whispered. She did as he said, watching him as he travelled to the foot of the bed and then began to undress, his eyes unmoving.

Smiling, Carol watched unreservedly as his t-shirt, jeans and boxers fell to the floor. Then, he was crawling onto the bed, on all fours, hovering up her body, kissing his way along her shin, then up her thigh, meticulously avoiding every incendiary connection. Fluttering lips traced up her stomach, under the flushed fullness of her breasts, then kissed softly between them and up to her neck, sucking, tasting. Craving his kiss, Carol reached for his face and dragged him upwards. "Kiss me…" she murmured, and he obeyed.

Soft at first, his lips touched and tugged at hers, then his tongue slid out and caressed them, following their rosy outline. Carol sighed, thinking that this man’s kiss was unquestionably the finest she had ever known. She could lay for hours, thrilling under his ministrations. But not tonight, tonight he was richly sensual, his every touch imbuing a deeper intent.

He reached down and took her pyjama bottoms from her, sliding them along her legs, his fingers brushing her like air over her skin. Then he was down around her toes, his wet mouth moving agonisingly back up her body, studiously avoiding her inner thighs, followed by his fingers creeping under her vest, slipping upwards to the swell of her breasts, fuller now than they had ever been. He explored leisurely beneath the material for a moment, his thumbs circling her nipples. Carol sighed and closed her eyes, her head falling sideways to sink into the pillow.

Exactly when he removed her top, Carol wasn’t sure, for her mind was blank to anything but sensations of pleasure, all conceptions of time and place chased far away. But, his hands were in her hair, and his lips were on her nipples and bolts of desire were ripping through her. She arched her spine and rubbed his back with the pads of her fingers. Encouraged, Doug continued his play, his kisses becoming harder, his teeth taking her nipples in his mouth.

She was coming alive beneath him, and he could tell she was hot. Her skin felt clammy to his touch, and despite her closed eyes, he could see her soul seeping through her every movement, through to her jagged breaths, through to her stretching toes, to the tensing muscles of her stomach. He slid down her body again, fingers dancing, eyes marvelling at the flatness of her belly, thinking of the burden it had held just eight months previously, then threaded his tongue through the rough triangle of hair to her core. She shivered instinctively as he hovered above her. Her sigh when he touched her sent a roar of desire rushing through him.

"Oh, Doug, Doug…" she murmured, helpless beneath him. Oh, how he loved this. To see her give herself over, when he knew it was only he who had ever witnessed her do so. No-one knew Carol like he knew her. Publicly, she was stoic and independent, self-protective and strong-willed. Privately, he saw her inner self, the one she kept hidden beneath a hundred defensive skins. To him, she was free and vivacious, sensual and warm. To him, she was beyond perfection.

Sensing her gathering, he slid upwards and glided into her, releasing an unwitting gasp as he felt her envelope him, hot and wet and warm and fluid. Carol gripped him urgently with her hands as he pushed, feeling his muscle flexing beneath his skin. She closed her eyes again and let herself loose. "Oh, that’s good…" he was murmuring almost indiscernibly into her ear, and she knew it too. It was good.

Clinging to him now, feeling him, feeling her heart thumping out of control in her chest and the perspiration gathering where their skin met, seamless. Feeling him dipping and rising, feeling his breath hot on her neck, feeling the tingle growing and growing within her. Feeling his embrace tighten and his body gathering. Feeling him swell. Feeling his heat. And then it was there, gone beyond a feeling, into oblivion, falling, spinning, shaking, blinding.

****

Oh, for the love of a girl

A heart that burns so steadfast

First of all

Never let the sky be emptied

Of stars that call your name

Last of all

Never let your spirit tame

Any part my love can reach.

- Charlie Carroway, ‘A Lesson In Love’ -

****

The sun didn’t wake Carol, even when it shone in through a crack in the curtains at dawn, a shaft of light cutting through the dark of the bedroom like a floodlight. It was the rustle of Doug’s magazine that did it. She rolled over lazily and smiled at him, sleepy and sated, her hair falling every way across her eyes. "Hey there, sleepyhead," he greeted customarily and returned her smile.

She grinned broadly, propping herself up on her elbows. "Mmm…" she murmured, as a response.

"Oh, like that is it, hmm?" he teased. She pushed her unruly hair behind her ears and gazed up at him. "Sleep well…?" he added, hunkering down from his seated position to press a lazy kiss onto her waiting lips.

"Beautifully…" she raised her eyebrows as he moved in closer to her, wrapping his arm around her and pushing his feet down to meet hers. "And the girls were quiet…"

"Well, not quite. I distinctly remember being woken at three thirty-five by a wailing child… you were out for the count, though," he grinned.

"I was tired,"

"All the exertions, you see…"

She hit him with a loosely clenched fist and he growled in his throat, leaning in to kiss her again. "Are they still asleep now?"

"Yeah, I think they were pretty tired as well. Tess only woke cos she needed a change…"

Carol pulled herself free from his embrace and rolled onto her back to stretch her muscles. She gave a wince and then yawned. In her calves and upper arms, she could feel the ache already beginning to rise, although she couldn’t be sure whether it was a result of the heavy boxes or the sex, or both. Raising her hands to her eyes, she rubbed the sleep from them, then rolled back over and cuddled up to him again. "Did you enjoy yourself then?" she enquired teasingly, giving his neck a squeeze. He arched his neck into her fingers and explained,

"I always enjoy myself…" They stayed quiet for a little while, legs and arms intertwined, enjoying their closeness and that there was no reason to get up for. "So, you want me to wake them up?" he ventured eventually.

"Nah, let them sleep. It means we get some time alone…" He arched his eyebrow, but she shook her head emphatically.

"No way, baby. Not a chance." He chuckled, but made no objection, and Carol reasoned he was probably aching also. But, her mind skittering forward, she fell quiet, wondering whether to broach a question she’d been entertaining silently all week. Intrigued, he reached out his hand to questioningly stroke the downy skin along her jaw line. He murmured,

"Something wrong?"

She could hear his breathing, low and soft and relaxed. He turned his head to look at her. "Can I ask you something?" He gave her a funny look.

"Sure you can… What’s wrong?"

"Nothing’s wrong…" She paused and then sat up, twisted herself around and sat cross-legged, looking at him. He rolled onto his stomach and held himself up with his elbows, listening. "I just… you’re back at work on Monday aren’t you?"

He smiled, a little wanly, and it was clear the thought didn’t fill him with pleasure. "Yeah, I am. I would take more time off, but there’s a pile of paperwork the size of K2 in the office and, if I leave it any longer, I’ll be getting pissed phone calls from my boss…" He noticed her expression and added, "Why?" She shook her head, glancing down as her confidence wobbled.

"I was wondering… well, I’ve been thinking all week," She paused, then drew a breath in. "I mean, you know I want to be around the girls, don’t you?" He nodded. "And you know that sometime I want to make this family bigger…?" He smiled widely, appreciating her little, almost insecure questions. "But, I was sort of thinking if… if there’d there be any jobs going at the hospital…?"

"I thought you didn’t want to go back to work?" he asked, a little bemusedly.

"Well, I don’t. Not now, at any rate. There’s plenty for me to do around the house here… And the girls, too…" He nodded in agreeance. She was quiet for a few minutes, fidgeting with her hair and the ribbon of her pyjama bottoms.

"But…" he prompted, sensing she wasn’t finished. She looked up at him and smiled.

"But, I was thinking of going back, maybe, in a few months… Help you out a little." He narrowed his eyes.

"Carol, you don’t have to worry about money…"

She shook her head. "I know things are gonna be different, but I feel like such a limpet… I mean, I don’t know if I want to rely completely on you. It doesn’t seem fair…" Doug paused and sat up so he was facing her. He reached out and took her hands up.

"Listen, Carol… If you want to go back to work, that’s fine. If it would make you happier, then we’ll arrange it. I have a friend… Joe Angelis. He works downstairs in the ER, and I could have a word with him… He owes me a few favours anyway." He paused and gave each hand a squeeze. "But, please, don’t do it for that reason. I work hard at a job that pays me well and now you’re here…" He stopped, then swallowed briefly, as if gathering his own courage to speak. "Just before I left, you told me something that I haven’t forgotten,"

She frowned slightly, trying not to think of all the awful explosions of anger or frustration that had dogged those last days together, and dropped her head. He leaned over and caught her chin with the crook of his finger. "You told me you wanted a picture book family, the room with a view, the white wedding…" He smiled. "And now that I can… I want to give you that. But, Carol… more than that, I want you to be happy. And if going back to work is what you wanna do, then you do it. I’ll give you my complete support, but please, don’t do it if it’s because you feel guilty." She looked at him hard, her mind harking back to the conversation they’d had over breakfast. She studied him, considering his serious but compassionate face, and in that instant knew why this was so important to him. With a smile, he added, "For once, Carol, let me give you what you want. Let me be the provider."

She was silent for a moment, her expression changeless, but then, like a flooding rainbow woven sunbeam, her smile lit up the pale room. "Doug, I love you…"

He answered her, his head falling in to touch hers and a grateful smile tugging at his lips as he kissed her. "Thank you …" was his simple reply…

The End