Vivisection

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

**Author's note: Thank you to the people who have emailed me through Michelle and have commented on my writing. I truly appreciate it. For those of you who have read the previous stories, you will see that this was written out of order. Sorry about that, but ideas don't come to me sequentially! Thanks again to Michelle & Ra who helped me get started. I'll miss you guys! Finally, I must take a moment to express my gratitude to my confidante, who was instrumental in helping me write this. More than that, she is one of the "keepers of my secrets" and a wonderful friend who truly understands my "list of things that make me happy." You know who you are. Heartfelt thanks to you.

This story takes place around "Make A Wish"

[Vivisection (noun): The dissection of a living animal; the art or practice of experimenting upon living animals for the purpose of ascertaining some fact which cannot be otherwise investigated; animal experimentation, especially if considered to cause distress to the subject.]

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In the morning when I closed my eyes
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might

Oh -- what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh -- what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with
-- Jackson Browne
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Vivisection

by Jordan
jxp@my-dejanews.com 


He had to remind himself to pay better attention to the road. Steering smoothly around cars and taxicabs, he remembered how automatic the drive home had been a few years ago. It was usually easier then, so early in the morning. There hadn't been too many people out driving at 2 or 3 a.m., back when he'd leave her bed to find his own.

Tonight had worked out fine. It had kept him on his toes all day, though he tried to remain cool. At one point, he thought he had given it away, when Carol said she had the feeling he was setting her up.  But the hospital staff played along; almost everyone ignored her birthday, and in the end, she had been surprised. It'd been an elaborate plan set into motion a few weeks ago. He'd gotten the idea not long after he had talked to her in their room in the basement. At least it had been their room, once. He was so at ease, lying there on the cot opposite hers. Before he realized she was asleep, he had just started telling her things. Things he had reluctantly divulged only to Mary Kolowski, his therapist.

*****

"So, if you think you are so angry, tell me -- how does it come out?"

Doug shifted in his chair, feeling uncomfortable. "Mostly it doesn't.  Not anymore. Sometimes it did. Sometimes I would...well, I would drink. Hit someone, you know."

"You would get into a fight?"

"Sometimes," he said. "Patients' parents, you know, ones that...hurt their kids."

"Ones that hurt their children?"

"Yeah. Their own kids""

"Women?"

Doug looked up at her, puzzled. "No. Never. Never."

*****

It was tough leaving her after the party tonight. Not that he thought anything was going to happen, not at all. But after everyone had left, they were alone. Really alone, away from the hospital, for the first time in a long time. He liked being near her. He gravitated to her at work, finding lame excuses to be close to her. Sometimes he could just detect her perfume and he would idly start to daydream. At the front desk or in a crowded hallway, she would inadvertently brush against him and he could almost feel her body heat, her unique softness. He would remember how she moved beneath him, on top of him. Her eyes closed. Reaching out to him. How she looked when she was lying there, aroused, waiting for him. God, the way she felt. The way she made him feel. It was at those times, when she was nearby, that he wanted to grab her and kiss her, holding her to him again, making her weak with desire again.  If he could just get her in his arms, things would work out, he thought. But there was just no way to do it.

That evening, she was sitting on the sofa with her feet up, watching him pick up the beer bottles and party hats that littered the tables and the floor.

"Leave it, Doug, I'll get it in the morning."

"No, now you can't clean up after your own birthday party! What kind of party would that be?"

"This was nice tonight," she said quietly.

"Well, just sit down, relax." He grinned at her. "I'll finish up here."

For once, he noted, Carol didn't argue. She smiled and sat there as he gathered everything up and restored order to her living room. He ended up in the kitchen and began to wash the glasses.

"Hey, let me help you," she called out.

"Nah, just come in and keep me company."

So she did. She pulled up a chair as he methodically washed and rinsed glasses, wrapped up the cake and cleaned off the counter.

"Doug, how did everybody get into my house tonight?"

Doug looked over his shoulder and his eyes twinkled. "Well...sorry. Uh, Lydia went into your purse and stole your keys and...I had a copy made."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Ah, no," he chuckled.

"Where's the extra key now?"

"With my keys, in my pocket." He looked at her, waiting for her reaction. She had a blank look on her face as she stared at him, speechless.

"Carol, I'm kidding. It's right there," he motioned with his head, chuckling, "on top of the refrigerator."

Carol shook her head and smirked at him. He knew that at first she was put off when she walked into the party. She didn't like all the attention, especially on her birthday. But after a time, she had relaxed. In the midst of the party, after offering him a sip of milk from the carton, she had thanked him. It looked like she had a wonderful night. As he gazed at her, hovering over the candles of her cake, Carol looked beautiful to him and he had thoughts of what might have been. What could be. He knew he was looking at her that way again, but didn't know if it had showed.

He dawdled, washing glasses and cleaning up because he wanted to stay there, with her, for as long as possible. It had been so long since he could just spend time with her. Back then, he had squandered that time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free

Oh -- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh -- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
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Mary took a sip of water and tried again. "So, what I hear you saying is that you would never hurt a woman."

"No."

"And, you were able to have healthy relationships?"

"Ahh..." He chuckled, embarrassed. "No."

"Help me out here. Any of the relationships you had with women, would you say they were meaningful or long-term?"

Doug thought for a minute. She wasn't quite sure if he was actually going to answer, but finally he did. "Well...yes, I think so. Maybe two."

"Let's talk about the first one."

"It was a very long time ago."

"What can you tell me about it?"

Taking a deep breath, he began. "Well, she was fun and we had a good time. But things got...complicated."

"Complicated?"

"Nothing I want to talk about now."

Used to his fits and starts by now, Mary sensed that Doug was getting ready to slam the door shut again, and she backed off a bit. "Well, even if you don't want to talk about the complications, can you tell me why you thought it was meaningful?"

"I don't know, maybe it wasn't."

"But you just thought it was. Why?"

"Maybe it wasn't."

"Okay, what about the other one."

"Hmm," he mused. "There was one."

She leaned back in her chair and waited. And waited. Trying to leave silence for him to fill.

*****

Sometime before he ended their relationship, before she started dating other men again, Doug found himself repeatedly drawn to her. After one night of drinking alone, he made his way to her apartment. Looking through the peephole, she sighed and opened the door.

"It's late."

"Hey, Carol." His head was swimming and things didn't look all that clear. "Can I come in?"

Carol wavered. It was well after midnight. His clothes were in disarray and he was drunk.

"Carol?" He knew that once he stepped in she would be his again, just for a time.

"No, not tonight...."

"Are you alone?"

Carol just looked at him. Nowadays although she was always alone, he sensed a change in her willingness to see him. He was afraid that she didn't want him coming in tonight, that she wanted to stop these midnight visits, stop her dependency on him. He wasn't ready for that yet.

He smiled and reached out to her, sliding his fingers up and down her bare arm very gently. Just enough to make her shiver. "Okay. If you want me to go, I will." Backing away from the door, Doug began working his charm. His eyes caressed her face, quietly made love to her, took in her body. Lips open, a slight smile upon them. He didn't move, but waited for her to shut the door. Or not. Doug wanted her tonight. Not just in a sexual way, though she always satisfied his need. No, for some reason he just needed to be with her, to lose himself in her for a while, to be in her arms.

*****

He could talk about his one night stands, the faceless women he passed time with. He could talk about Nadine Wilkes, surprisingly, how she was the catalyst. His father, his mother, that whole chapter of his life had slowly, painstakingly taken shape during their time together. During every session, he would come back to one woman. Her identity was a mystery, this woman Doug brought up time and time again. He would start talking about her, but inevitably he'd back off just as quickly.  This time, Mary ventured forth.

"You felt as though you loved her, respected her?"

"Uh...no."

"Care to elaborate?"

"I don't know what I felt. She...I know she cared about me. I may have...I don't know. I mistreated her. I deceived her."

"But you never felt like you were being aggressive with her, ever?"

Doug stopped, considering this. "No. Maybe once. One time I was a little...you know."

"A little what?"

With her, in the shower. The very last time they were together, when she was dating Tag. The desperation he had felt when he realized that he, his body, no longer had any power over her. Sex had become a little rough, in a way, but was he trying to physically hurt her? Or had he been trying desperately to salvage something, to numb his own pain? Had he hurt her?

"I don't think I...." He stopped, he thought about it again. "No, I never hurt her. I would never do anything to hurt her."

*****

Carol stood by her apartment door and he knew she was trying to decide if she should turn him away. He waited, thinking about what he wanted to do tonight if she would let him. It was hot out, and she was wearing a sheer tank top that clung to her body, to her breasts. Doug thought about how her nipples would feel in his hands, in his mouth. He liked it when they started out all soft and flat, so he could make them stand up, make her beg him to suck harder. Boxer shorts were slung low on her hips. He generally liked sexy lingerie, but just now he found the sight of her in these clothes appealing. She was hesitant, he could tell. He knew her so well. Finally, she backed away and opened the door, letting him in.

He was starved for her that night. Things had piled up on him and he wanted to set them aside for a while.

"Come here." He held his arms out and she came to him at once.   "What's this you're wearing?" He had his hands on her waist and then ran them over the curves of her bottom, pulling her to him, pressing his hardness against her.

"I was in bed, Doug. I was asleep."

"I like this. I can see everything through this top." He kissed her lips sweetly and she responded, kissing him back. He slowly parted her mouth with his and gently searched her, seeking her tongue. Carol moaned softly and began to grind herself against him. He loved how she sounded when she was excited.

"Carol, are you getting wet for me?" he whispered.

"Mmm." Her kisses became more demanding and he briefly considered bending her over the sofa, taking her right there. Thinking about how it first felt, every time he entered her. How quickly she'd be ready, between her legs, how tight she was, how she moved her body in time with his.

Doug took his shirt off, his pants, eagerly anticipating her. He guided her into the bedroom and taking her hands in his, he led her to the bed. Doug laid on top of her and pulled her shirt up over her breasts. Starting at the underside, he kissed the soft pale skin, and he felt her hands guiding him up to her nipples. Taking one of them into his mouth, he pulled at it with his lips and drew it in, being careful not to hurt her. Sucking just hard enough to make her cry out.

"What do you want tonight, Carol?" Doug urgently began tugging at her boxer shorts.

In the midst of all this, she started pushing him away. "Doug...wait."

"Hmm?" Two pairs of boxers were on the floor now and he was spreading her legs, starting to stroke her, getting his fingers wet. He was ready to have her right then.

"I don't like it like this, when you're drunk. It feels like you're using me. I don't want to. Not like this."

Doug stopped, imploring her, an anxious look in his eyes. "Carol...I need you tonight. Don't say no."

Carol looked back at him, helplessly. So aroused, wanting him so much.  Why does he do this, she thought? Why can't he see how I feel? She wanted more. Wanted him, all of him, not just the pieces he indulged her with. Tears welled up in her eyes and she laid back, lacking the willpower to resist. She relinquished herself to him, to his desire and her own.

"Go ahead, Doug. It's okay...."

As he looked into her eyes, poised above her, wanting to plunge deeply into her, he restrained himself. What was it he saw there? Had it been there all along? So trusting, so giving. Willing to do everything to please him, putting aside her own hurt to appease him, to satisfy him. Surrendering to what he wanted, despite herself. He was touched. What, he thought, had he ever done to deserve this?

Doug eased his body away from her. "Carol, I...It's okay. I won't.

Turning into her pillow, she began to cry and this affected him deeply.

"No, oh Carol, don't cry, come here." He collected her into his arms and stroked her hair, suddenly feeling very protective of her.

*****

"Her name is Carol." It flowed through him, her name.

"Oh, so the woman has a name!" Mary teased. Okay. He'd given her a name.

"Hmm. Yes, she does." Doug looked down and smiled.

"So what can you tell me about Carol?"

Doug leaned back and closed his eyes. What couldn't he tell her about Carol? She was everything he had ever desired in a woman. So smart, so capable. Not classically beautiful, but so beautiful to him. She always cared for him. Took wonderful care of him, no matter what. She fit like a glove, not just her body, but her whole self. Her laugh, her eyes, her arms, everything his heart yearned for he found in Carol.

"She's great."

"Doug!" She gave him an exasperated look.

"I screwed it up...with her. I did. I did. Without her, I'm...lonely"

"Do you think that, in time, the loneliness will go away?"

"I don't know. I hope so. I don't know."

Again, she waited patiently.

Doug raised his eyes to meet hers. He measured each word carefully.

"It won't go away without her."

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In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me

Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.
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Doug looked around the kitchen, then walked into the living room.  Everything was set and in its place. "Done!" Carol left the kitchen and followed him. He smiled at her briefly. Was this the right time?

"Carol?"

She looked at him expectantly.

He started to speak and then stopped. Why was he so shy, so unable to talk to her? He looked down again, a confused look on his face.

"Doug?"

The way she could say his name. Sometimes she said it so quietly in the noisy hospital, but even so, he could hear her, no matter how loud it was. He could hear her.

He tilted his head and tried again, his brow furrowed. But, no. No.  He picked up his jacket, walked to the door, and then turned around and smiled at her.

"Carol...happy birthday."

"Thanks."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

She walked over and stood near him. "Doug, thanks for this. Thanks again."

They both lingered there. He looked into her eyes for a time; he almost thought she was leaning forward to him, but she wasn't, really. He bent down and kissed her cheek lightly. "Okay. Bye."

*****

Doug parked his car, then slowly walked upstairs to his apartment. He wondered if he should have made a move tonight, but was glad he didn't, so Carol wouldn't get the wrong idea. The birthday party was not a ploy to win her favor, but a gift of sorts to her.

When he was in bed, he recalled everything that had happened this evening, everything she had said. This passion for her, these thoughts he carried around with him, had intensified, and he knew he had to pursue them. Pursue her. When asked, he had told Mary that he couldn't determine just when his feelings for Carol had changed. Always cautious, he'd never shared his heart with a woman, never expected this to happen to him. He had intended to have fun with Carol, to have a good time, just as he had with countless women before her. But that one night, before Shep, before Tag, when it had been just the two of them, was...different.

On that night, in her bedroom, he never did make love to her. Not in the way he had planned. Doug spent the night holding her and caring for her. He was tender and gentle and he stayed with her until the morning. It was subtle, but long after he left her -- after he decided it was too risky to continue seeing her -- he would remember it.

Now here he was, years later, thinking that it was time, that he wanted her. Completely. He had been without her long enough, and he was ready to give her what she'd asked for that night, what he couldn't give her then. He was thinking that he'd start by asking her out again.

Sometime soon.

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Yeah -- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah -- can we say that I've grown
In some way that we may have yet to be shown

Oh -- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh -- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
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