Walking the Tightrope

Summary: Doug faces life without Carol

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html
http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
and at:
http://www.jsentertainment.com/gilbert/terffa/

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope

My greatest thanks goes to Elizabeth, Claire, Ruth, Katy, and Lisa, who all lent a hand and helped me walk the tightrope. This one was difficult, and the end result reflects upon each of you.

Walking the Tightrope
by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
I'm going to pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around
I'll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I'll get up and do it again
Amen
Say it again
Amen

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
And when the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen
-- Jackson Browne, The Pretender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a very long, hard day, she walked through the door and kicked her shoes off, then opened some windows to let the fresh air in. The sun was still shining and she thought for a moment about grilling some chicken for herself and reading a magazine in the back yard. As she walked toward the kitchen, she noticed there was a message on the answering machine. Pressing the button, she waited.

"Hey, Carol. It's Doug. I hope you're doing okay, feeling okay.  I'm...I'm sure you are. Uh...I moved this weekend, I'm out of the corporate apartment. I, uh, I'm going to have the moving company call you, find out when you'll be home. I'll get those boxes in the basement outta your way. So...they should be calling you, set up a time that's good for you so they can pick them up. Uh, I guess that's it. Thanks. Uh, sorry if it ends up being a pain in the ass. It shouldn't take long, though. Thanks, Carol. I...I hope you're okay. I'm sure you're doing...that you're...that you and the baby are okay. I'll call you...again. Bye."

It was hours before she could erase his message.

*****

As hard as he tried to concentrate on his work, he couldn't. He was constantly thinking of her and the baby. Was she having trouble sleeping now? No more sleeping on her stomach, hugging her pillow, Doug was sure of that. He wondered if she knew that their baby could be sucking his or her thumb already. She probably knew that.

She probably knew.

Doug was finishing his proposal for Denver when he heard Beth's cheerful greeting.

"Hey, nice face!"

"Excuse me?" he asked, confused.

"You shaved. Got rid of that ragged beard."

"Ragged? I thought it looked...dashing." Doug smiled. "Yeah, I gave up on it. Maybe I'll grow it again for the winter, but not now."

Beth sat down in front of his desk. "So, are you all moved in?"

"Well, moved in, yes. Unpacked? Not totally."

"Which place did you end up taking?"

"I, uh, I decided on the one that's farther south. Less expensive."

"Watching your pennies when they're paying you the big bucks?"

Doug answered slowly, hedging a bit. "I, uh, I have to...I may have some...some expenses, you know, later this year, I need to save some money...not spend so much." He changed the subject quickly. "How was your trip?"

"It was good. So, I'll have to stop by, see how you did."

"I did okay, I think. Do you...do you wanna do something this weekend?  Go out, get somethin' to eat? You can come over, see my new place...."

She shook her head. "I can't. I have plans with Stuart."

"Okay, I was just...."

"Listen. Seriously." Her hand slapped his desk. "We're going out on his sailboat on Saturday, me and Stuart, his daughter and Joanne. Do you want to come along? I'd love it if you were there."

Doug was surprised. "He has a daughter?"

"Uh huh, she's 5 years old. From his first marriage."

"Hmm," Doug demurred, making a face. "I don't know, sailing isn't exactly my thing."

"What is your 'thing'? All you do is sit around and mope."

"Now, you don't know that," he complained.

"Sure I do. That's all you do. Come on out, live life. It'll be fun. I know you'll like Joanne, she's great, really sweet."

"I'll think about it. I'll let you know. Okay?"

"Okay."

Doug leaned back, hands clasped behind his head, mirth in his eyes.  "So, things are goin' well with Mr. Real Estate?"

"Why do you say that with such venom?" Beth asked, teasing him back.

"Not venom. Just...amusement."

"Amusement?"

"Yeah, some rich tycoon, sweeping you off your feet."

Beth shot him an exasperated look. "Why do you automatically assume he's rich?"

"Oh, I dunno," Doug said sarcastically. "The country club membership.   The boating club. The vacation house. The little things in life."

"Okay, okay," Beth grinned, nodding her agreement. "I guess you're right. Things are good with us. But, speaking of sweeping me off my feet, that vacation house is taking on a whole new importance in our relationship."

"Why's that?"

Beth raised her eyebrows. "He's asked me to come spend a weekend with him."

Doug nodded. "That sounds good."

"Yeah."

He noticed that she seemed less than enthusiastic. "What?" he asked.

Beth sighed. "It implies that we'll, you know, be together."

"And this is a problem?"

"I mean sleep together," she said, lowering her voice.

Leaning forward, he asked quietly, "Uh, you guys haven't...?"

"No. No. Doug, I've only ever been with my husband," she explained.

Doug smiled and looked down. "Okay."

"I mean, I don't know if I'm ready for this."

"Well, maybe it's just Stuart, then. You seemed more than ready to 'be with' me, in Tulsa," he threw out, not thinking. He smirked and looked up at her, but immediately sensed he'd made a grave error in judgment.

Tears formed in her eyes and she stood up abruptly. "You know...screw you," she blurted out and started walking out of his office.

Doug's face fell and he sprang from his chair. "Hey, Beth, Beth, no, stop." He held her back at the door. "That was a shitty thing for me to say. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...to hurt you."

She shook his hand off and swatted the tears from her cheeks. "Well, you did. You have no idea how embarrassed I was...I am...about that night."

He closed the door with his foot and placed his hands on her arms.  "Don't be. I...you know, Beth...just don't be. You've been a...a great friend to me, here, and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. That night, you were...." He sighed and let go of her. "You were very...you didn't do anything wrong. You...it's just been a...it's a bad time for me right now. You've been great. I like being with you, your company. C'mere, sit down." He led her back to a chair and sat behind his desk, waiting for her to compose herself. "Do you wanna go away with him?"

She nodded. "I think so. He's smart and funny. Dependable. He treats me with respect, he's...I like him."

"So, you like him. But...?" Doug prodded carefully.

"I don't love him. Not yet. I mean, maybe one day, but not yet. I like him, though."

"Maybe you need to decide if you can be with him...that way...before you're in love with him. And maybe you can talk to him about it before you go away."

Beth smiled up at him. "Maybe that's what I'm deciding right now. If I can have a sexual relationship with a man I don't love yet."

"Yeah," he said gently. And he returned her smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beth hounded Doug all week long about coming sailing with them, and she finally convinced him that it was better than renting movies all weekend. When Saturday morning came, Doug reluctantly got ready to go out. He thought it was amazing, in a sense, that he had even agreed to do this. To say he was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in an environment where he knew only one person, let alone nothing about sailing, would be a huge understatement. But he was trying to do what Beth had suggested: Live his new life in Portland. Part of that new life was trying new things, and he knew that if he kept saying no to her, she'd stop asking. She was his only friend there and if it weren't for her, he'd be completely lost.

As he drove north to the river, he wondered how Carol was holding up. Her body was working very hard at this stage, he knew, pumping even more blood to nourish their baby, so beautifully formed already. Even the tiniest nail was on the littlest toe by now. Has she had another ultrasound, has she seen the baby yet? She probably has.

Probably.

When he got to the boat club, he was a bit intimidated, parking his Jeep between a Mercedes Benz and a Lexus. Upon hearing Beth's familiar voice calling him, though, he felt more comfortable. She greeted him with a big smile and a friendly hug.

"I'm glad you're here!" she beamed.

"Glad to be here," Doug replied.

Beth put her hand on his back, and guided him toward the group. "Doug, this is Stuart McGill. Stu, Doug Ross, my coworker and friend."

"Good to meet you, Doug." Stuart held out his hand and Doug grasped it firmly. "Beth's told me so much about you. Belated welcome to Portland."

"Thanks. She's told me a lot about you, too," Doug said, pausing to take stock of him. Stuart was tall with blond hair and blue eyes, muscular and strong.

Stuart then directed Doug's attention to a little girl who was busy trying to get a rock out of her shoe. "This is my daughter, Angel. I call her Angel, but her name is Angela."

"Hey, Angela," Doug called out.

Angela glanced up at him, but continued working on her shoe, becoming quite frustrated.

"And," Beth continued, "this is my very good friend, Joanne Strong. We knew each other years ago, back east, and we're lucky enough to be here in Portland at the same time."

Doug extended his hand and Joanne shook it. "Hi, I'm Doug. Nice to meet you, Joanne." She was a very petite woman, with chin-length red hair and green eyes.

"Nice to meet you, too. Have you ever been sailing?" she asked.

"Not on a big sailboat, no. Just small ones, catamarans, that kind of thing."

Joanne continued, "Didn't you live near Lake Michigan?"

"Uh, well, I lived in Chicago, yes, but I never had time...or knew anyone who owned a boat...to do much of anything on the lake. It's tricky boating, from what I've heard."

"I've never sailed the Great Lakes," Stuart commented. "But then, I've always lived here in the Pacific Northwest. Never had the urge to see anything east of the Mississippi, frankly."

"Well," Beth chimed in, "For a long time, I didn't think there was anything west of the Hudson River that was of interest. I'm still debating," she joked.

"Are you saying nasty things about New Jersey?" Doug challenged her.

"Who, me? No, not at all," she laughed in reply.

By the time they'd finished introductions, Angela had successfully extracted the rock from her shoe and then Stuart gestured to the docks. "The boat's all ready for us, shall we go?"

Beth took Angela's hand and put her arm around Stuart's waist. "Let's go."

The boat was impressive; it was more than large enough for the five of them. Its hull was a deep mahogany color and the boat literally reeked of good care. Stuart got on first, and then Doug helped Angela, Beth, and Joanne step onto the boat before he climbed aboard. Once Stuart got everything ready, they motored slowly out of the boat club and as soon as he raised the sails, they began their journey down the river.

It was a sunny day, something of a rarity since he'd been in Portland. Doug thought about Lake Michigan last May, the warm, sparkling days he'd spent in Benton Harbor with Carol. She would love this, he thought.  Laying in the sun, the breeze keeping her cool. Her head in his lap, letting him play with her hair. She would love it.

Has she gone out shopping yet, bought some maternity clothes, he wondered? Maybe she and Tracy went to Lighthouse Place and shopped in the outlet stores. Did she need to buy new scrubs? Can she feel their baby moving yet? Maybe she can already.

Maybe.

Stuart's voice interrupted his daydream. "So, your last name is Ross?"

"Uh huh," Doug nodded.

"There's an island here, on the Willamette. Ross Island. There's also a Ross Island Bridge."

"Ross Island -- is it nice?"

Stuart smirked. "Actually, it's like a toxic waste dump."

"Hm." Doug looked away. He wasn't entirely sure he was impressed by Stuart.

"Do you have any kids, Doug?"

"No. I don't." Doug didn't even flinch, but stared out at the river.

"Angel is my only one. Her mother and I were divorced when she was a year old."

"A year? That's tough," Doug said.

"Not so much for Angel. She doesn't even remember what it was like having two parents living together, so it was easier for her in a way. I get to see her every other weekend, and for two weeks in the summer. Her mother lives close by, so it's a pretty agreeable situation."

Doug nodded politely, not really wanting so many details, but Stuart droned on.

"Yeah, it was tough at first. Patrice, my ex-wife, remarried by the time Angel was two, so for a time there, she was confused. Kept calling her step-father 'Daddy'. We got that straightened out pretty fast, though." Stuart smiled in his daughter's direction.

Doug looked at the little girl. She was busy with a coloring book on the deck of the boat, life jacket secured around her small body. Her hair was a mass of blond curls, and her face was barely visible underneath it.

"We argued about her name, her mother and I. My mother-in-law, who certainly is a bit of a bitch, is named Angela and I swore no daughter of mine would have that name. But Patrice was so damned insistent, and I finally said okay. Then, from the day we brought her home, I've always called her 'Angel.' Never Angela. I even write 'Angel' on the child support checks."

Stuart looked out at the water ahead and Doug considered him briefly. You certainly are a bit of an asshole, Doug thought, but he kept quiet and watched the scenery. It was very beautiful along the river, and Beth and Joanne kept pointing out interesting things to see. Doug realized that he'd never seen Beth so comfortable. And he wondered what on earth she saw in Stuart that made her interested enough to pursue him.

Beth chatted amiably with Joanne, and approved of each picture Angela cheerfully brought for her critique. Doug felt no more at ease and after a while decided to settle against some cushions and take a nap. He pulled a baseball cap over his eyes, laid his arms across his chest and was dozing in no time.

Stuart was captaining the boat, Angela had found a peanut butter sandwich in Beth's big wicker picnic basket, and Beth and Joanne took turns filling each other in on their respective lives.

"I'm telling you, I'll be happy when I finish filing all the late returns," Joanne complained. "Most people think the life of a C.P.A. improves after April 15th. But, it's the idiots who can't manage to get their returns in order on time that make my spring miserable."

Beth smiled. "Sorry to hear it. So, what do you think?" she asked, nodding in Doug's direction.

"About him?" Joanne whispered in reply. "My first question is, what's wrong with him?"

"What?"

"What's wrong with him that you didn't take him first?"

"Oh, please," Beth said, rolling her eyes.

"You think I'm kidding. I'm not."

"Jo, I'm dating Stuart," Beth said softly. "Doug is a friend."

"I know things are good with Stuart, but that guy's gorgeous."

"Yeah, he is," Beth agreed. "He's the sweetest guy, too."

"Has he ever expressed interest in you?"

"Doug? No. No, we're just friends. He was serious with a woman in Chicago, but...."

"But what?"

"I don't know what's going on right now."

"Well, if you find out, let me know."

Beth gazed at Doug, contentedly sleeping. "I will."

"Are you sure you will?"

"What does that mean?" Beth protested, dragging her eyes away from him.

"Nothing. But you'd better get that look off your face before Stuart sees."

Beth stared at Joanne, amazed that she was so transparent. Afraid Stuart might be able to see it as well.

When Doug woke up, he realized the boat had been anchored. Angela was asleep under some make-shift shade, Joanne was sunning herself, reading a book. "Wow, how long was I asleep?" Doug asked sleepily.

Joanne looked at her watch. "Maybe an hour."

"Man." He looked around. "Where's Beth?"

Pointing downward, Joanne said, "Below deck."

Doug nodded. "With...?"

"Yeah," she grinned, "They went below when Angela fell asleep."

"Oh. Want a beer?" Doug opened the cooler.

"Sure. Let's eat, too."

They drank their beer, ate sandwiches that Beth had made and exchanged small talk. Doug found out that Joanne was thirty seven and knew Beth from their high school days when they competed against each other at academic bowls. She was an avid water skier and loved reading everything she could get her hands on. She was a bit too talkative for Doug, but he was polite while offering only cursory information about his own life.  After about thirty minutes or so, Stuart emerged from the cabin below and sat across from Doug. "Hey, you woke up. Angel's still sleeping, huh?"

Doug looked at the little girl and smiled. She was precious. Her nose had a liberal sprinkling of freckles across it, but her face wasn't red; Stuart took good care of her, constantly reapplying sunscreen, making sure she stayed in the shade as much as possible.

"Uh, Stuart? Is the bathroom...?" Doug gestured below.

"Yeah, but Beth's down there, she's, uh, why don't you wait until she comes back up?"

"Okay, sure."

Dividing his attention between the river and watching Angela sleep, he waited for Beth to emerge. When she finally came up on deck, she smiled shyly at Stuart and, looking a bit rumpled, took a moment to tuck her shirt in. Stuart pulled her onto his lap and whispered something in her ear, then tried to kiss her mouth, but Beth turned away, and offered her cheek. Doug quietly took it in. She never once looked at him.

*****

As the afternoon progressed, the sky became darkened and Stuart suggested they turn around to head back to the boat club. When they got there and Stuart had docked and secured the boat, the adults tidied up while Angela walked back and forth on the pier, taking time to throw a stone or two into the water.

"Angel, come back to the boat and get your shoes on. C'mon, sweetie," Stuart called after her. Angela started walking back. As Doug and Stuart were about to toss the ice and water from the cooler over the side of the boat, they heard her scream, then cry. Beth was the first to reach her, and carried her back to the boat, into Stuart's arms.

"There was a nail sticking up on the side, I think it caught her foot."

He and Beth examined it together. "Oh, man. It's okay, Angel, it's okay," Stuart said, hugging his daughter.

"Stuart, let me look at it," Doug offered.

"No, no, it's okay, I can take care of this," Stuart insisted. He held her foot, but Angela began screaming louder.

"Stu," Beth advised, "let him look. He's a pediatrician."

Stuart nodded and spoke gently to Angela. "Would you let Dr. Ross look at your foot?"

Angela shrank away, holding onto her father's neck. "No!"

Doug smiled. "Tell you what, Angela, how about if your dad holds you in his lap and I just take a peek at your foot?"

She took a moment to answer. "Okay, but hold me, Daddy," Angela whimpered.

Doug waited for her to calm down a bit, then examined her foot. "Well, you got quite a gash from that nail and a pretty big splinter, too.  Now, if you let me, I can take care of it so it will get better. What do you think?"

"Will it hurt?"

Doug looked her straight in the eye. "It will for a bit. I'll try very hard not to make it hurt too much, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. Stuart, is there a first aid kit here?"

"Yes, Beth can you get it? It's below deck, near the toilet."

"Sure thing."

"Joanne, reach into that cooler and get me some ice," Doug directed.

"Okay," she answered.

The women came back and Doug searched through the kit until he found what he needed. "Now, here's the plan, Angela," he began as he pulled gloves on.

"My daddy calls me Angel," she said, talking through her tears.

"Yes, he does. What do you want me to call you?"

"Angela. Only Daddy calls me Angel."

He chuckled quietly and then continued. "I'm going to clean this up real quick, and it will sting for a little bit, but I'll blow on it so it's not so bad. Then, we'll put some ice on it for a few minutes and get that big splinter out. After that, I'll put some Band-Aids on it and you'll feel a lot better. You tell me when you're ready."

Angela crept further into her father's arms and finally said, "Okay."

"Here we go." Doug opened a bottle and soaked a cotton ball with antiseptic. He held her foot firmly and cleaned the area, all the while blowing on it to reduce the stinging. Angela cried again, clinging to her father. "All done, all done," Doug encouraged her, "you're a brave girl. Now, before I take that splinter out, we'll put the ice on it so you won't feel it as much." He took a piece of ice from the cup Joanne offered and put it on the wound, pulling it away when the cold hurt his own hand, knowing it would feel uncomfortable for her as well. He alternated, pressing the ice onto her foot and taking it away until he felt it was numb. Then, taking the tweezers from the first aid kit, he poured the antiseptic over them as well, working quickly to remove the splinter.

"You hanging in there, Angela? You okay?"

She nodded tearfully.

"Good, almost done." Doug cleared the loose skin and gently pulled on the splinter, finally removing it. "This was a big one, wanna see it?" She leaned over and looked at it.

"It was hurting my foot."

"I know, but it's gone now. All we have left to do is fix that cut.  Stuart, has she ever had a tetanus shot?"

Stuart shook his head. "I don't know. Her mother takes care of all that. I could call her."

"You should. If she hasn't, take her to the emergency room or urgent care and get one tonight. Also, ask her mother for a copy of all her medical records, including immunizations. You should have them on hand when Angela is staying with you. Check with her mother first, then go to the store and get either children's acetaminophen or ibuprofen tonight for the pain. Ask her mother about any sensitivity she may have had to ibuprofen, though, or if she objects to you giving it to Angela. It should be okay, though."

"I will."

Doug applied some antibiotic ointment, then took small Band-Aids and cut them into thin strips, using them to close the wound before covering it with clean gauze and tape. "This oughta do it. You okay? Did I do a good job?"

The little girl smiled. "You did a good job."

Doug returned the smile. "Good. Good."

Beth touched his arm gently. "You're so good with children."

Doug glanced up at her as he stripped the gloves off. "Years of practice," he replied. He got up and began putting the supplies away and Beth helped him, all under the watchful eye of Stuart.

Somehow, it was decided that Doug would drive Joanne home so Stuart and Beth could take Angela to the emergency room if necessary after calling her mother. So, they shook hands all around, Doug and Joanne thanking Stuart for the enjoyable day.

"Joanne, where do you live?" Doug asked.

"I'm two blocks away from Beth's, do you know where she lives?"

"No."

"I'll give you directions, then. We pass right by Beth's on the way."

They were both tired, and Doug concentrated on the road while his mind wandered. Has she thought about a pediatrician yet or decided how she's going to feed their baby once it's born? She'll most likely breast feed, he thought. She knows how important it is for development.

She knows.

For her part, after giving him directions, Joanne tried valiantly to engage Doug in some conversation.

"What made you decide to become a pediatrician?" she asked.

Doug grinned. "Too dumb to be a brain surgeon."

Joanne laughed. "No, really."

"You think I'm kidding. It's kind of a long story. I had a pediatrician who helped us out when I was a kid. He was great and I wanted to be like him, to help kids. So, when I had to choose a specialty, it was easy for me."

She nodded. "Have you known Beth long?"

"Since I first got here. She's one of the only people I really know in Portland," Doug answered, glancing at her momentarily.

"It's great about her and Stuart, isn't it?"

"You mean that they're dating?" he asked.

"Well, yeah, and the fact that he's getting pretty serious."

Doug was confused. "Did she tell you that?"

"Didn't she tell you?"

Doug felt protective. Was Beth being rushed, being pushed into something she wasn't ready for? "Uh, she mentioned something about going away with him, but not that he was serious, no. That seems a little...quick, don't you think?"

"Doesn't matter what I think. It's between them. But, she said he's a bit impulsive, so who knows what's right or wrong? After the way her ex-husband left her, I just hope she finds happiness. She's a wonderful woman, she'll be a great step-mother to Angela, if that's what happens.

In any event, it's good that she's finally trying to put that jack-ass ex-husband Glenn behind her, even if it's taken forever."

"Yeah," he answered flatly.

"I mean, the way Glenn treated her, cheating on her like that. They're no sooner divorced when he marries the little cupcake that worked for him. But, Beth couldn't let go of him. Some people just hang on and on to a relationship that's already dead. You know? They just don't have the courage to move on. At least she's trying."

"Yeah, well, I guess so."

Trying again to steer the conversation to a more personal level, she asked, "Have you ever been married before, Doug?"

"No. You?"

"No, I was engaged once, but it didn't work out."

"Mm hmm. So, Beth and Stuart, how long have they been dating -- like two months, right?"

"Something like that. In any event, she's agreed to go away with Stuart next weekend, to his cottage on the lake. Hope it's a good weekend for her," Joanne said, smiling.

"Yeah," Doug replied. "Me, too."

"Here's her townhouse, on the left," Joanne said.

Doug looked at it. It was dark, as he expected. She wouldn't be home yet.

"Make a right at the corner, go down three blocks, and then a left.  That's my street."

Following her directions, he found her house and pulled over, putting the car in park.

Joanne waited expectantly, but he made no move. "Would you like to come in, have a drink?" she asked.

Doug smiled. "I can't. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I have to get ready. I'm going to Milwaukee next week. Maybe some other time."

"Sure," she said, hiding her disappointment. "I'd love to go out sometime, get to know you better."

"That sounds like a plan," he said. "Good night."

"Good night." Joanne opened the door and got out, and Doug waited until she got inside before he pulled away.

He drove around aimlessly for a while, not really ready to go home into the emptiness of his apartment. Joanne's words had hit him hard, and he spent a long time digesting them. He pulled up to a neighborhood bar and, almost reflexively, parked the car and walked in.

It was dark and crowded, and he made his way to an empty space at the bar and ordered a drink. The music was a bit too loud, the air too smoky. He got his drink and walked over to a corner table where he could be alone.

He didn't take Carol to places like this. Not in recent years, anyway.  Their life in Chicago had been so different. They'd go out to dinner, or to a friend's house. Most of the time, though, they'd stay at home, content with each other's company. She was all he really needed in the world, he knew. She was everything he needed. What a gift she had been. What a perfect, exciting, ever-changing gift.

He loved the way he'd wake up in the morning and she'd be there beside him, her guard laid aside. Sometimes he couldn't wait until she woke up on her own, and he'd just move closer to her, close enough to feel the heat of her body, to fantasize about how she would feel to him if he just started making love to her. So, he would. He'd unbutton her nightshirt and bury his face between her breasts, waking her up slowly with soft, tender kisses. She'd drowsily push him away at first, but he wouldn't give up; he'd stroke her with his fingers, caress her with his lips and tongue, and then finally, her eyes would open, her nipples would wrinkle and harden, and her hands would languidly pull him closer. She'd be buttery-soft in the morning as she would finally give herself over to him so lovingly, so completely.

Every time he made love to her, it was an attempt to win her heart, though she didn't realize he looked at it that way. She loved him, he knew, but he wanted her to need him, to have an insatiable hunger for him, and for his heart, as he did for her. He wanted her to be unable to live without him.

Doug was bitter. What if Ricky had never walked into the hospital? What if he had refused to go to Joi's house that night? He'd be with Carol, now, he'd be holding her in his arms, watching her body change as their baby grew. At night, he could lay his hand on her, knowing it was too early for him to feel anything, but hoping anyway. And he'd make love to her just as before, knowing that finally she belonged to him, that she was really his, and that he would never lose her.

But he had lost her, and in losing her, lost everything that had ever mattered to him. He emptied his drink and ordered another.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carol fought it, hated it, but there was no way to avoid it. Perhaps she could control it by day, but she was powerless against it at night. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't move past him.

So, in her sleep, she endured another one.

Not quite sure where she was, she felt panicked at first. It was an odd setting, maybe an airport or a train station. Maybe even an office lobby. It was hot, beastly hot, there were lots of people milling about, and she kept bumping into them, trying to make her way out.  When she saw him, finally, it was as if the crowd had parted to give her a better view. He was deeply tanned, which set off the gray in his hair.

She was shocked to see him, and tried to step back so he wouldn't notice her, but he did and the warmth on his face spread to his eyes. "Hey, Carol." It was so simply, quietly stated, so uneventful. Just a quick hello. No excuses, no apologies.

"Hey, Doug."

He smiled then turned toward the woman he was with. She handed over a sleepy child to him, a little boy. The boy sank into Doug's embrace and rested his head on Doug's shoulder. Doug kissed the boy's damp hair and reached his hand back. Carol automatically extended hers, but she was too late. The woman's slim fingers were already laced within Doug's strong ones. He walked away with them, never looking back.

She woke up in a cold sweat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put out dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The knock at her door frightened her. She decided to ignore it, and visually made certain the dead bolts were thrown. The phone rang, then, and she walked into the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Beth, it's me. Doug."

"Where are you?"

"I'm right outside your door. I guess I should have called you before I came over. Can I come in?"

"Damn, Doug, hang on. I mean, hang up, I'll be right there."

Beth hung up the phone, then unlocked and opened the door. "You scared the crap out of me. How did you find me, what are you doing here now? It's...." she squinted at the clock. "It's almost midnight."

"I'm sorry. I lost track of the time." He briefly took her in. Her hair was tousled, she wore a T-shirt and some loose boxer shorts. He'd obviously woken her up. "Joanne pointed out your house on the way home."

Beth stepped aside. "Come on in."

Doug entered her townhouse and dropped himself into a chair without even looking around. "How was Angela?"

"Turns out she'd had a tetanus shot, so she was spared that trauma again."

"Good."

Beth sat and hugged her knees to her body, hiding the sheerness of her T-shirt. "How was your ride home with Joanne?"

"It was fine."

"So, it's late. Did you go in for a nightcap?" Beth asked casually.

Doug chuckled. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

"So? Who says you have to be a gentleman with me?"

Her comment made him pause. He thought for a moment before he responded. "I dropped her off at her door. She invited me in. I told her maybe another time."

She became serious. "You've been drinking."

His fingers tapped his knee. "I stopped at a bar."

"So? Why are you here?"

"I dunno," he shrugged, looking away. "Maybe I knew you'd be alone."

"You could have called first, you know. Just in case."

"Like I said," he murmured softly, "I knew you'd be alone." His eyes locked onto hers.

Was it her imagination, or had his voice taken on a different tone? He seemed defenseless tonight. Defenseless in a provocative sort of way. She decided to get up, go into the kitchen, remove herself from his presence. "Do you want a drink?"

"Got any bourbon?"

"Yup."

"Bourbon, straight up."

She went into the kitchen and poured his drink, and then a glass of wine for herself, taking a sip. He walked in and stood behind her.

Why was he here? What was he looking for tonight? Beth stayed so still, afraid if she moved, she'd betray herself by revealing her feelings for him. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, leaning her body against the counter, her hands resting lightly on it.  Having him so near made her pulse race. She felt ridiculous. They'd been alone before. This was no different.

Please, she thought, closing her eyes, don't come any closer.

He watched her, thinking, thinking. Doug, walking the tightrope between his past and his future, wavering between bewilderment and resolve. He backed up slightly and Beth turned to face him.

The expression on his face was hard to read. It made her feel terribly unsteady, unsure. "Doug?" She was quite aware of his allure, afraid she'd betray herself. Her eyes were wide. "What are you doing here?"

"I dunno." He held her gaze, then reached up with a gentle hand to push her bangs away from her eyes, but he stopped in mid-air, pulling back.  "You got sunburned today."

"I think you're drunk...and I think you do know," she insisted.

"I'm not drunk." Doug's voice became quiet. "Beth? Maybe we both know why I'm here tonight."

In that moment, everything changed between them, even if they pretended it hadn't. It hung there for a few moments, the possibility. They neither seized it nor did they abandon it. Doug was so confused, so conflicted. His face, his stare, revealed an obvious yearning and it made her feel unsettled. He was looking for something; she just didn't know what it was at first.

He spoke, breaking the silence. "Today, on the sailboat, was that when you made up your mind about your weekend with Stuart?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were alone with him for a long time. I thought you'd made up your mind."

"Did...did you think I had sex with Stuart today?" Beth became testy. "On the boat, with his daughter there? With you and Joanne there?"

"I didn't know what to think. You couldn't look me in the eye for an hour after you were with him. I thought maybe you'd made your decision. I just...I wondered if you know what you're doing, what's right for you."

"Well, I didn't. We didn't. Doug, I don't love him. It just wouldn't be right, I'd end up regretting it."


Doug nodded, then studied his drink. When he spoke again, he was quiet, deliberate. "If...if I had taken you up on your offer in Tulsa, and if I had brought you to my bed and made love to you that night, how would you have felt the next day? Would you have regretted it? Since you don't love me."

What was he doing, she wondered? Why push this? Did he know how she felt? "I'm...I'm not sure."

"Not sure." His eyes tore through hers effortlessly.

She swallowed hard, struggling to maintain her composure. "If you could have made me forget about Glenn...when we were in Tulsa, maybe I would have felt great."

"It's all about Glenn, then?"

"Isn't it always about Glenn?" she asked, shrugging her shoulders helplessly.

"I don't know. You never talk about him."

"That's because it breaks my heart to talk about him. I have to put Glenn behind me, Doug, and I'm trying. Stuart's a great guy. He is.  But, I don't know if I'll ever feel...that way about him. I don't know yet."

"Stuart -- would he help you forget?"

"No," she whispered, feeling awful for confessing it.

"Do you think...does it ever really help you forget? Just being with someone...like that, does it make your love, your...loneliness go away?" he asked softly. "How do you know when it's time to move on? Like you said, to live life?"

Beth couldn't answer him.

"So," he continued, "if two people meet each other, and they're both...still in love with the past, they've both...lost something...if they had made love just to forget...in Tulsa, say...because they, you know...they didn't know how to get...past it...the hurt...." He searched her eyes.

Pausing a moment, she struggled, trying to decipher his meaning. "This isn't about Tulsa anymore, is it Doug?"

He looked at her helplessly. "I don't know."

"Don't." She shook her head. "Please don't."

"Don't what?"

Beth was fighting it, but her feelings were plainly evident to him.  "Don't play with me tonight," she whispered.

"I'm not. I...I didn't mean to play. I wanted to know...how would you have felt...afterwards? If we had been...intimate?"

"That's not a fair question." Her eyes were closed against him. "I was drunk, then, I...I wasn't thinking about the next day. I was just thinking about that night. About how it would have felt to be in your arms that night. How it would feel to make love to you...that night." She looked at him pointedly. "Or tonight."

Oh, she was beautiful then. So trusting, leaving herself plainly unprotected, bravely opening up to him when he least expected it.

"And tomorrow? How would you feel tomorrow?" he asked.

"You want the truth?" Beth asked, gazing at him again. "About Tulsa? Or tonight? I guess if you and I had made love that night...or if we were to make love...tonight, it would be...incredible. But, I would know that you weren't thinking about me at all." She looked away. "So, the truth is, I'm grateful to you that you turned me down in Tulsa. And I'm grateful that you've been a gentleman tonight, with me. Because after Glenn, I couldn't bear making love to a man while his heart belonged to another woman. I couldn't do it ever again."

Beth took a deep breath and summoned all her courage before she forged ahead. "I didn't know, at first, why you came here. I saw something, and I thought it was...desire for me. I...In a way, I wanted it to be." she confessed shyly. "But...it's not. She's still in your eyes, Doug.  I wouldn't want to look at you while we were making love and see her in your eyes. I think something's happened that you haven't shared with me, and I think you're...vulnerable right now. Maybe you're so hurt and so sad and alone that you would be tempted, tonight, if I offered myself to you like I did in Tulsa. Or, maybe the love you feel for her and your commitment to be faithful would be all you'd need to say no again. But if we made love tonight, I know how you would feel tomorrow. I'm not Carol. So, for you, it wouldn't be making love at all. You wouldn't be making love...to me...would you?"

It was then that Doug knew she understood everything, even if he did not. Ever the gentleman, he took her hand in his and kissed it before backing away. "No."

"Is she still in your heart? Like you told me in Tulsa?"

Doug was so full of emotion, he could not speak.

"So, it's all about Carol."

His grief was plainly visible. "My whole life is about Carol."

Beth smiled sadly, then closed her eyes briefly, gathering her thoughts.  "You came here to tell me something. To talk to me about something."

What was it with women? Did they always know so damned much? He sipped his drink, then walked back into the living room, sitting on the chair again. Beth followed him, and listened attentively.

"I love her, Beth. I'm in love with her. She doesn't want me anymore. I don't think she loves me anymore."

It was the first time he'd actually said it. The reality hit him full force. "I...I've known Carol for a long time. We met at the hospital, she was...." He smiled. "She was this...complete woman, you know? Beautiful, smart, sassy. Sexy. From the minute I saw her, I was hers. She was smart, at first, she wouldn't give me the time of day. But I didn't give up, I hounded her."

Beth grinned. "Dogged determination?"

He smiled distantly. "Something like that. Anyway, she finally went out with me. And we dated for a long time. But once I had her, I mistreated her. I cheated on her, I lied to her. I made her life hell." He glanced up, waiting for Beth's chastisement, but she sat and listened. "Why you do something like this, I...I was an idiot. So, I end up dumping her because I think I don't need her, and she moves on. She moves on and then I'm...amazed, it's like, 'How do you do that? How do you just forget what you had and move on like that?'"

"So, what happened then?"

"About a million things happened then, but eventually, I got another chance. For some unknown reason, she gave me another chance. And I  was so happy. I loved her, I was faithful to her. And then in February, everything came apart. I was...involved with a case, with the kid I told you about, and I prescribed some medication I shouldn't have, and I gave his mother the ability to help him die to ease his pain during the last hours of his life. It was one long nightmare, but the end result was that I quit before I was fired and I decided to leave Chicago. I asked Carol to come with me, but she wouldn't. I thought when I left Chicago...I had lost the two things I had loved most in my life: Carol and practicing pediatric medicine. Now I find out it's even more than that." He turned away from her, trying unsuccessfully to hide his despair. "A few weeks ago, I found out that she's...pregnant. Expecting my baby."

"Oh, Doug." She was heartbroken for him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't, I didn't know...how to tell you, how to talk about it.  She's known for months, she's known...she didn't call me when she first found out. I get this...this fax. A fucking fax from her." He looked at her incredulously, as if he'd just realized how awful it was.

"That day I was in your office?"

Doug stood up, became animated. "Yeah. A fax. She can't call to tell me? She was actually debating whether or not to keep the baby, the baby that we'd planned for. She would have made a decision to abort without me. Then she was...she was spotting, she was afraid she'd miscarry, and she doesn't call me so I could...be there, help her. This letter, in this fax, and then on the phone...she tells me not to come to her. She doesn't want me. She's having my baby, and I can't even see her, I can't hold her, or take care of her. I want to take care of her, to be there and-and help her get ready for our baby, to put my arms around her and feel our baby move...." He stopped, closed his eyes lest he cry in Beth's presence, something he would not do.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He sat down again and drained his glass, then leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "I wrote her a letter when I found out."

"Did she write back?"

He shook his head, gesturing madly. "I haven't sent it. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore her, go back to her even if she doesn't want me to, force her to talk to me? And, the baby. Do I have any rights in Illinois? Can she just...just force me out of the baby's life? If she falls in love with someone, gets married, can her husband adopt my baby? I...I don't know."

"Hey, hey, hang on. You're talking like...are you sure it's over between the two of you?" she asked.

He looked annoyed. "Have you listened to anything I've said? She told me she didn't want me to come back. She doesn't want me in her life. But I won't let her shut me out of the baby's life. I won't let that happen."

"Doug...I think you're jumping to conclusions here. I mean, why are you assuming the worst?" Beth rubbed her eyes.

"Because I fucked up once and I don't want to fuck up again."

Beth pulled her hands through her hair and considered him a moment.   "What...what do you mean?"

"I have a thirteen-year-old son I've never seen. I left school, left a girl behind. After I left, she told me she was pregnant. That I'd left her pregnant."

She sat in stunned silence.

"I was a fucking idiot then, Beth. And now...I don't want to be that same idiot. I love Carol. And I love this baby, even before it's born. I can't lose this baby. The baby is the only...the only thing left."

"Okay. Okay. Let's think logically." Beth sighed, exhausted, trying to think. "I can do a search, see if Illinois has a putative father registry."

"What's that?"

"A putative father is the assumed father, a man who suspects he may have fathered a child when he wasn't married to the child's mother on or before the date of the birth and hasn't taken steps to establish paternity through legal proceedings before the filing of an adoption petition."

Doug nodded. "What else?"

"There are steps you can take, you can file a parentage action, prove you're the child's father through DNA testing, express an interest in the child to the courts."

He scoffed bitterly. "I don't even want to think it'll get that far, that she would do this."

"I understand, but be prepared. Look, I can't practice in Illinois, I don't know what the specific laws are, but I can help you interpret them if you want. And, Doug? You might want to think about retaining a lawyer. If things start to get ugly. You'll want to set up monthly child support, too," Beth advised.

"I wrote in the letter that I want to...to pay child support, and to help her, too, financially. The truth is, I don't want to just send my money, I want to be there, with her. I just want to be with her, Beth. I'm not ready to lose her. I'm going to Milwaukee next week. It only takes a few hours to drive down to Chicago. I want to go see her.   Talk to her."

"Then why don't you?"

He looked down into his empty glass. "Because she doesn't want me to.  I hurt her and I made promises I didn't keep and I left her when she asked me not to. She doesn't want me. Not anymore."

*****

Carol had a hard time going back to sleep, so she got up and poured a bowl of cereal for herself and watched late night television. As she was sitting there, she felt something. It wasn't obvious at first. In fact, she'd doubted it for a few days. But that night, sitting on the couch, she was certain. It was like fish flopping. Well, no. No, more like butterflies beating their wings. Her babies were moving inside of her. It was the sweetest feeling in the world.

Her hand went protectively over them and her heart was filled with joy. Grow strong, little ones. Take care and grow strong. I'm waiting for you. I'll wait patiently for you.

*****

By the time he got home, he debated whether or not it was wise to even try to sleep. Even if he tried, he figured it would be useless. He turned down his bed nonetheless and laid there alone in the darkness, thinking about Carol. What had she said to him last fall when she was so upset that they hadn't conceived yet, when he had soothed her and held her in all her disappointment?

"I promise, this time will be different for you. If we're blessed with a baby you'll never be apart from him."

Promises from Carol were as trustworthy as his own, he realized. He had promised her he'd never leave. A fine pair they were. A fine man he was, leaving yet another child fatherless, leaving another mother alone.

Leaving the woman he loved alone.

He spent entirely too much time thinking about it. It was probably that night, the night before he left. The night he would have sold his soul for her. When she tried so hard to push him away. And he was afraid she'd used her diaphragm again. The night he couldn't even look at her afterwards, when the things he so desperately wanted to say were tied up in his heart. Because he'd have begged her to go with him, told her he couldn't live his life without her. Her heart, though, would never have listened. He had asked before.

Her lips were on fire, her body was hot beneath his, she was needy and demanding. So wet, so slick, he remembered, her arms held him tightly, pulling him even closer. When he came, he whispered tender words filled with passion that made her cry. Was it then that their baby was so lovingly conceived?

Alone in the darkness, he wondered if he had to move on when he didn't even want to. And he wondered if she knew that their baby, eight inches long by now, already had fingerprints.

But she probably already knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Thought true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end