by: Courtney
Chapter 1
There is no one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no one left at all
There is only you
And if you leave me now
You leave all we were
Undone
There is really no one left
You are the only one
And still the hardest part for you
To put your trust in me
I love you more than I can say
Why won't you just believe?
~ The Cure, Trust
The door slams loudly and cuts off Carol's voice. Doug rushes to his car, hoping to make it before Carol can catch up with him. He can't be here, not now. He can't deal with this right now. He turns the key in his Jeep and the engine roars as he pulls quickly from the curb. Doug doesn't look back; he just keeps driving.
"Wait!" Carol yells as she flings open the door, but it's too late. Doug is already halfway down the dark street. She watches helplessly as his taillights disappear. Finally, when she has lost all sight of him, she turns and walks sadly back inside. She shuts the door goes over to the couch. "What have I done?" she says aloud to herself. She sighs deeply and buries her face in her hands.
It's nearly 2 o'clock in the morning when Doug pulls up in front of his apartment building. He scarcely remembers the last night he spent here. Tonight, the last place he had imagined ending up was here. However, here he is, not on his honeymoon as expected, but going back to this lonely, quiet apartment . . . all alone.
Doug sighs as he opens the door. Can this all really be happening? Surely not, surely he'll wake up at any second . . . 'No!' he shakes his head furiously. He has to believe it. Carol told him herself. She told him she . . . Oh, he can't even bare to think it!
'Doesn't she love me? Doesn't she know how much I love her? What was she doing tonight? What in the hell happened to everything we had?' All of these questions run through Doug's mind but he finds no answers. He's not sure what is going on. All he knows is that a few hours ago he was in love, happier than he had ever been, and now . . . well, now his whole life is falling apart before his eyes.
He sits down on his couch and rubs his hands roughly over his face. "Urgh!" a growling scream escapes his lips. "Why?" he says loudly into the empty room. "Why?"
As expected, there are still no answers to be found, no magic potions to make this hurt disappear. He feels helpless and out of control right now. He lies back onto the couch and covers his face with his hands. Closing his eyes tightly, he hopes sleep will come and offer him a short reprieve. He knows, though, that it is more likely to bring dreams, but he half hopes for this as well. Maybe, if his real world has to fall apart, he can find just a little bit of what he's losing in the realm of sleep.
At 4am Carol is still wide-awake. She has been sitting on the couch crying for hours. She can't believe this is happening. "Why did I do this?" she wonders aloud. "I should have just told Greg Powell that I had to go, that Doug was waiting. I should have . . . I should have . . ." she stops talking to herself as she dissolves in tears once more. 'Doug will never forgive me,' Carol thinks as she sobs.
Finally, feeling drained and exhausted, she wipes her eyes and rises from the couch to head towards the bedroom. Maybe sleep will help her sort things out.
Doug jolts up. At first he thinks he's been awoken by a dream, but then the knock at the door sounds again and he rubs his eyes. Again, the knock sounds. "Coming," Doug calls as he swings his legs over the edge of the couch. He's still fully dressed. He checks the clock and sees that it's 7am. 'Who would be here so early?'
His first thought is that it's Carol, coming to apologize again. He doesn't want to hear this, but in a way he hopes it's her. Even though he wants to stay mad at her, he also wants desperately to forgive her. He can't fool himself into believing that this will make him stop loving Carol. Nothing could do that.
There is another knock on the door. "Jeez, give me a second!" Doug yells as he walks towards the door. He looks out the peephole to see if it is in fact Carol waiting to see him. But, when he sees who is on the other side of the door he sighs loudly. Opening the door, Doug says, "I should have known it'd be you. What are you doing here so early?"
His visitor walks in. "And good morning to you, too, buddy." Mark Greene. Doug should have figured that if anyone would come checking on him this morning it would be Mark Greene.
"Have a seat, I'll make some coffee," Doug says as he heads for the kitchen. Mark ignores this command and follows his friend into the kitchen.
"You look awful," Mark comments.
"Thank you," Doug replies.
"Didn't get much sleep last night, huh?" Mark continues, disregarding Doug's sarcasm.
"No, no I didn't."
"So, I'm guessing she came home?"
"Yeah, she did," he replies softly.
Mark nods. "I called over there this morning to be sure everything turned out okay. She told me you weren't there, that you had probably spent the night at your place. You two have a fight?" Doug doesn't answer. Silence falls between the two for a moment.
The coffee finishes brewing and Doug pours them both a cup. Mark takes the mug from him. "Thanks. You know," he begins, watching for a reaction from Doug, "she sounded pretty upset. I think she was crying all night. I almost thought she would start crying when I was talking to her."
Doug says nothing and doesn't look up from his coffee but Mark is almost sure he sees his friend wince. He lays a hand on Doug's shoulder but Doug quickly shrugs it off. "I don't want to talk about this, Mark," he says and walks out of the kitchen and into the living room. Mark follows.
"You might feel better if you talked about it," Mark suggests. This elicits no response from Doug. "Okay, fine, but if you want to talk later you know how to find me." Again, Doug says nothing. "Well, I better get going. I'm on at 8. Hey, I don't want to see you at work today."
Mark gets up and goes to the kitchen to pour out the rest of his coffee. He stands in the doorway looking back into the living room where Doug is sitting on the couch, his back to Mark. "Page me if you need anything, anything at all."
Mark opens the door and begins to leave. Just then, Doug says, "She kissed Powell." Mark comes quickly back inside and closes the door behind him. Within seconds he is standing beside Doug in the living room.
"What?"
"She came in late last night and told me that she was having doubts, that she wasn't sure we were ready to get married. Then, she tells me that she was talking to that Powell guy and she kissed him. She just came right out and said it."
Mark tries to hide his shocked expression but doesn't do a very good job. "What did you say?"
"Nothing, I just left. I drove around for hours trying to figure out what I should do next, then I came here."
"She . . . Carol . . . wow." Mark is still shocked. "I'm really sorry, Doug. But, I'm sure it was a mistake. I mean, it couldn't have meant anything to her."
"Maybe not," Doug seems unconvinced.
"Doug, you don't really think . . ."
"What am I supposed to think, Mark?" Doug says loudly, jumping up. He begins pacing the room. "She was supposed to be my wife today, and now . . ."
"It'll work out," Mark assures him.
"Will it?" he looks back at his friend. Mark doesn't know what to say. He wants to tell Doug he has no doubt that things will be just the same. He's not sure he can do that though.
"I hope so, Doug, I hope so."
Carol walks into the ER that Friday afternoon and looks around quickly. She walks to the nurse's station, still seeming to be searching for something. Mark is behind the desk writing out a chart. He looks up and sees Carol. He sees her look of desperate hope and shakes his head sadly. Her face falls. He's not here. He was supposed to work tonight, but he's not here. Carol trudges to the lounge and sinks to the couch. She buries her face in her hands, not knowing what to do next.
Mark walks into the lounge and sits on the couch beside her. "Hey, he'll come around," he tries to cheer her up.
"No, he won't, Mark. He's not going to forgive me. And how can I ask him to? How can I expect him to forgive me for this?" She looks up at him and tears are teetering on her eyelids but she blinks them away.
"Come on Carol," Mark says. "You know as well as I do that Doug loves you. Besides, he's screwed up plenty of times and you've forgiven him. He just needs a little time."
"I don't think so. Not this time. I mean, look at all the grief I put him through for the times he screwed up. I made him make up for his mistakes, it took me a very long time to forgive him . . . how can I ever ask him to just get over this? I can't do that."
"Well, you'll just have to let him get over it by himself. He will, I know he will," Mark says.
Carol nods sadly. She looks at Mark as fresh tears fill her eyes. "But, he let me in, Mark. He's always shut everyone out for fear of being hurt. He didn't want to go through that again . . . but he let me in. He let himself give in to his feelings and finally let himself believe in love. Now, I've ruined all of that. How can he ever trust me, or anyone, again?"
Mark doesn't know what to say. At this point, there's nothing left to say.
"Doug? Doug, pick up. I need to talk to you. Please, Doug . . ." Carol's voice penetrates the walls of Doug's apartment but he remains in his place on the couch. He takes another drink from the beer bottle in his hand and stares hard at the phone. It's almost as if he's trying to will it to stop, to make her voice stop filling his mind. It's no use though. Even when she hangs up he can still hear her. She's in every room, around every corner of his apartment. He wants to hate her. He wants to walk away and never look back. But . . . how do you walk away from your whole world?
Doug sighs and downs the rest of his beer as the answering machine finally goes off. After his talk with Mark this morning he's been sitting here all day drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself. 'Why not, no one else cares,' he thinks. 'That's not true, I care,' he can almost hear Carol say. But does she? Does she really? If she really loved him as much as she claims would she have kissed Greg Powell? All of this is so confusing. Doug wants to believe that she made a mistake and that everything will be back to normal very soon . . . but is this really just a mistake?
'You've made plenty of mistakes,' he tells himself. 'You slept with another woman for God's sake!' Well, other women he should say. But they never meant anything. He sighs deeply and runs his hands back over his hair. 'If what Carol did hurts this bad, what must I have put her through back then?' he wonders. The more he thinks about all this, the more complicated things seem to get.
Carol continues to stare at the phone. It still doesn't ring. Doug hasn't called. He won't answer when she calls him. He hasn't been to work. She knows that if she goes over there he's not going to let her in. 'What am I going to do? How can I begin to explain if he refuses to listen?' But, she can't blame him. How long did she spend completely ignoring him after he slept with that Kelly or Erica or whatever her name was? She was just the last in a long line. Carol had had a hard time getting over that. It hurt knowing the person she loved most wasn't worthy of her trust. 'Now Doug feels the same way about me,' she thinks.
Tears are streaming down her cheeks once again and she is tired of trying to fight them. Now, more than ever, she just needs to let herself cry. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "Doug?" she whispers hopefully. She gets up and runs over to the door. "Doug, I'm so . . ." she says as she pulls the door open. But then she stops. It's not Doug. And it's definitely not an expected guest. In fact, this is probably the last person she wants to see right now: Greg Powell.
"Hi Carol," he smiles.
"Greg, I . . . What are you doing here?"
"I thought you were working today but someone at the hospital told me you went home sick. I just wanted to be sure you were okay. Are you okay? You don't look so good."
She wipes away the tears on her cheeks. "Uh, yeah, fine."
"Can I come in?" he asks.
"Uh . . ." she doesn't think this is a very good idea, but she hates to be rude. After all, he's only being nice. "Sure, sure, come on in," she says. She steps back and allows Greg to enter.
"So, what's going on? You're sure you're okay?" he asks as she closes the door.
"Well, actually, no I'm not. Greg, last night . . . well, what happened between us, that kiss . . . it was wrong. I shouldn't have let you kiss me. I shouldn't have led you on like that and I'm really sorry."
"I see . . ." Greg says quietly.
"It's not you," Carol says quickly. "You're great, really, it's just . . . I have a boyfriend. Well, I had one. We were supposed to get married. That's where I was supposed to be last night when you and I were on the roof. I was supposed to meet Doug. He had planned a big surprise for me. We were going to be married last night . . ." she trails off as fresh tears fall to her cheeks.
"Carol, I'm sorry, I had no idea," Greg says.
"I know. How could you, right? I never said anything. Anyway, I told him about our kiss and now he won't even talk to me. I think I've lost him forever this time," she begins sobbing again and Greg lays a hand on her shoulder.
"I really am sorry. Would you like me to talk to him for you?"
Carol looks up quickly, "No, I think that would be a very bad idea."
"Oh, okay," Greg says.
"I'm sorry to dump all this on you. I bet you're sorry you ever even talked to me now, huh?" she manages a smile.
"No, never. You're really a great person, Carol. This guy, Doug, he's a fool if he can't see that. If he really loves you he'll come around."
"I hope you're right Greg."
"Hey, I'm always right," he grins. "Well, I have somewhere to be so I'd better go. I just wanted to be sure you were okay." He gets up and walks to the door. Carol follows him. "If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me," he smiles.
"Thanks," she says. She watches from the door as Greg walks back to his car. He gets in his car and drives away. Carol closes the door and goes back to the couch to ponder her misery in silence once more.
"Hey Dr. Ross, glad you're feeling better," John Carter says as he sees Doug approaching the nurse's station.
"Uh, yeah, thanks Carter," Doug replies. He's glad to see that his reason for staying home yesterday has not made it into the hospital rumor mill yet.
"Oh, we got another one," Carter says.
"Huh? Another what Carter?"
"Another rape victim. Same MO so it's probably the same guy."
"Man, that makes four of them now. The police have any leads yet?"
"Right, like they'd tell us!" Carter laughs. "There's still no word of it on the news so I'm guessing they don't have much."
"Figures," Doug replies. He probably shouldn't be so cynical but optimism hasn't been too easy to come by these past few days. "What happened to the victim? Is she still here?"
"Nope, she died, just like the last one. This guy's getting worse."
"Hell, you'd think they couldn't get any worse and then they go and surprise you. It's hard to believe people can be so damned sick," Doug says.
"Yeah, well, it's a rough world out there," Carter replies.
"That it is, Dr. Carter, that is it."
Carter gives a Doug a strange look, thinking he seems to be in an odd mood today, but he dismisses his feeling and says, "Well, I have to go meet Anna for lunch. See you later, Dr. Ross."
"Bye Carter," Doug responds. After Carter has left, Doug makes his way to the lounge. Mark is on the couch and Carol is sitting in a nearby chair. They seem to be talking. "Excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt," Doug says coldly, avoiding Carol's glance.
"No, it's okay, I was just leaving," Mark says, beginning to rise from his seat.
"Don't bother, Mark," Doug says and with that he is gone.
"I told you, he hates me," Carol says.
"No, he just needs time," Mark assures her.
"Yeah, and in the meantime I'm going to lose it. I swear, I don't know what I'll do if I can't get him to forgive me, Mark. I can't live without him," she says sadly.
"It'll be okay, Carol. Just give it time."
Carol nods, still looking unsure. She decides to change the subject to get her mind off of this for a while. "So, what did the police say?"
"Oh the same crap they've been giving us for weeks. I get the feeling there have been more victims than just the four they've brought to County."
"Yeah, I got the same feeling. I spoke to Jillian Griswell over at Mercy last week and she said they'd been getting some pretty bizarre cases lately. She didn't go into specifics but I got the impression it was probably the same guy."
"God, how long is it going to take them to catch this animal?" Mark says.
"It's already taken too long. It's too late for Mrs. Navarro," she says, referring to the woman that had died in the ER just that morning.
"I just hope when they do find him that he gets everything that's coming to him," Mark says.
"I don't know if there's enough they can do to him to punish him for what he's done. Did you see Mrs. Navarro's daughter and son in here today? They were so devastated."
"I know. I just keep thinking, every time they bring in another one of these victims, what if it was my mom up there. What if that monster did this to her? I'd kill the son of a bitch!"
Carol nods. "It's just so hard to imagine living through this. I feel so awful for them."
"Me too," Mark says.
"Well, we better get back to work," Carol says.
"Are you sure you're up to it?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," she says with a halfhearted grin.
Mark nods sadly, then follows her out the door.
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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998
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