ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #12

Blue Christmas

by: Courtney

Carol walks into the ER at a little after eight on the Friday morning before Christmas. It’s December 19th and she has less than a week before the big holiday will be upon her. She’s not exactly looking forward to this latest “family get together”. It seems like a disaster will be imminent. In front of the lockers, she sighs as she tries to imagine what the dinner conversation between her mother and Doug’s mother will be like. Her head aches at the very thought. She closes the locker and heads out to the nurses station.

“Morning,” she says to Jerry, Malik, Kerry, Randi, Mark, and Chunny, who are all standing around the station as she approaches.

“Hey Carol, good morning,” come the replies from the group.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Kerry inquires. Carol had been out on Wednesday because she was sick, then yesterday had been her day off. Today is her first day back since the sudden illness.

“I’m fine, thanks Kerry,” she smiles at Kerry as she thumbs through a stack of paperwork that is waiting for her. “I guess you guys left me plenty to do to get back in the swing of things.”

Kerry smiles, “They couldn’t survive without you. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better. I guess it wasn’t the flu then?”

“No, I guess not. Probably just something I ate. Last time I have lunch from the roach coach for a while,” she grimaces, then smirks.

“I’ll heed that warning myself, I think,” Kerry says with a smile. She turns and picks up a chart, then heads off to attend to a waiting patient.

Mark is standing at the counter nearby. Carol turns to him, “So, Doug says you’ll be joining us for dinner Thursday?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess. If it’s okay with you, that is.” He looks uncomfortable, still unsure the invitation from Doug was appropriate.

“Oh, I’d love for you to come! But, I’m warning you now, it’ll be quite a show.” She gives Mark a weary smile.

“Yeah, Doug told me that he and your mother didn’t get along so well. I’m sure he exaggerates a bit though.”

“Hardly. Thanksgiving was . . . , well, just wait. You’ll see what we mean next week.” She shakes her head and sighs again at the thought of her impending dinner.

Mark laughs, “I can’t wait. You two make it sound so tempting.” He turns towards the exam room to find his next patient.

As he leaves, Carol calls, “Don’t worry. Just steer clear of Doug and you’ll be out of the line of fire!” He laughs again as he enters an exam room. Carol turns back to her mountain of paperwork.

Later that day, at about 2pm, Carol is sitting in the cafeteria. She’s having lunch alone today because Doug is not on until five that night. Just as she raises her turkey sandwich to her lips, she feels a wave of nausea overcome her. She drops the sandwich and runs for the bathroom. She manages to make it, barely. As she stands in front of the mirror, she wonders what has brought this on. She wasn’t sick yesterday. And, even now, she feels okay. She doesn’t have a fever or any other flu-like symptoms. And, this doesn’t fit the description of food poisoning. She went a whole day without feeling ill, then it came over her again all at once. Her expression darkens as another possibility occurs to her. It is an obvious reason, but . . . ‘No,’ she thinks, ‘that couldn’t be.’ Still, she has to know.

Carol comes out of the bathroom and goes back over to her seat. She collects her tray and her belongings and heads for the trash cans. Dumping her uneaten lunch, she makes her way towards the elevators. The remaining 45 minutes of her lunch hour should be plenty of time for her to find out once and for all what it is that is wrong with her.

She enters the drug store and picks up the package she has come for. Her hands are a little shaky as she pays for her purchase and takes the bag from the cashier’s hands. She exits the store and stops for a moment. ‘What now?’ she thinks. She doesn’t want to go home so she decides to go back to work.

Carol enters the hospital and finds a bathroom far from the ER and her coworkers. She wants to avoid any conversation about the bag in her hand. She’s happy to see that the bathroom she has chosen is empty and she enters the last stall. From the bag in her hand, she pulls out a small box. She reads the instructions and follows them carefully. The box says that a positive result is indicated by a blue color. She watches closely as the color changes. As it becomes more and more blue, she feels the hair on her arms begin to stand up. ‘Oh God!’ she thinks. ‘I can’t be, I just can’t be . . . pregnant.’ She sits there, still in shock, for quite a while. Finally, she manages to get up and gather herself together. She heads back to the ER, her head full of confusing thoughts.

As she returns to the ER, Carol scans her surroundings. She spots the person she is looking for and strides towards her. Kerry is just coming out of an exam room and Carol catches up with her in the hall outside. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asks her.

“Sure, what’s up?”

Carol looks nervously around, then pulls Kerry into an empty room. She closes the door and turns back to her. “I need to go home a little early,” Carol says.

“Is everything okay?” Kerry doesn’t need to ask this question, she has her answer just by looking at Carol. She is quite obviously very upset.

“Yes, I mean, no. Well, I can’t really talk about it, but it’s very important. I need to get home. Please Kerry, you don’t know how important this is.”

“Okay, if you have to go, go. Is there anything I can do though? I mean, will you be alright?” She is concerned for Carol because she’s never seen her act this strange before.

“I’ll be fine. Thank you,” she does her best to smile, then turns to leave, leaving Kerry alone in the exam room to wonder what has just happened.

Doug is asleep when Carol enters the bedroom at his apartment just after three o’clock. She used her key to get in and now she is standing over his bed, looking down at him. He looks so peaceful in his slumber. She hates to shatter his peaceful dreams, but she knows she must. She sits down on the bed beside him and gently shakes him. “Doug,” she says, “wake up.”

He opens his eyes and looks at her. He is obviously surprised to see her. His first thought is to question why she is there. “What are you doing here? Did something happen, is it Charlie?”

“No, nothing like that. Don’t worry, everything is fine.”

But, he can tell by looking at her that everything is far from fine. “What is it?” he asks her, sitting up and putting his arm around her.

She looks down. Her eyes fill with tears almost instantly. She searches for the right words to proceed and that few seconds of silence seems to last a lifetime. Finally, she says, “I . . .There’s something . . . Doug,” she turns to face him, “I’m pregnant.”

For a moment, Doug just stares at her. He is trying to decide if he’s heard her right. His mouth drops open but no words come forth.

“Say something, please,” she whispers as more tears flood her eyes.

He looks at Carol, his expression still one of shock. “Are you sure?” he asks.

She nods. “I got sick again today at work. I went to the drug store and bought a test and it came out positive. I don’t have much doubt. I made an appointment at the doctor’s for tomorrow, so I’ll know for sure then. But, I am, Doug, I just know it.”

He shakes his head. He speaks, more to himself than to Carol, “How could this happen? We’re always careful. We never . . .” his voice trails off and he heaves a heavy sigh. He rises from the bed, saying, “I have to be at work soon. I’d better get ready.”

Carol is sitting on the bed, crying, as he rises. He turns around as he reaches the bathroom door and looks at her there. Her head is hanging and tears are falling quickly from her cheeks. He has the urge to run to her, to hold her in his arms and tell her everything will be okay. But, he stops himself. How can he tell her everything will be okay when he’s not even sure of that himself? He turns sadly and heads for the shower.

Under the rush of the water, Doug tries to block out all of the thoughts that are bombarding him. He isn’t very successful. All he can think of is what has just taken place. He turns off the water and wraps a towel around his waist. As he emerges from the bathroom, he notices that Carol is no longer on the bed. He walks through the rest of the house, but finds no sign of her.

Returning to the bedroom, Doug sits down on the bed. He lays his head in his hands. ‘What have I done?’ he asks himself. Why had he let Carol leave here like that? He had heard her words and run, just like always. ‘She probably hates me,’ he thinks. But, what was he supposed to do? She’s probably better off without him, at least in his mind. He begins to think about the repercussions of what has just happened, and the results are very unsettling.

‘What kind of father will I make?’ he wonders. He certainly doesn’t have a very good role model to follow. Ray Ross was never meant to be anyone’s father. He hadn’t been much of an example. And Doug, how was he any better than Ray? Ray was a drunken, womanizing guy who ran out on his family. Until a year ago, Doug was out drinking most nights and picking up women he barely knew. How was he any better? If anything, he felt he was worse. He’d never even seen his son. He didn’t even know the boy’s name! ‘How much worse of a father could I be?’ Doug thinks.

It isn’t a fear of commitment that scares Doug about this whole thing. He is already prepared to ask Carol if she wants them to move in together. He’s pretty confident she’ll say yes. Even marriage, which they have both agreed in the past was a long way off for them, doesn’t frighten him that much. He’s always known in his heart that Carol was the one. He’s known he’d end up married to her and that they’d spend the rest of their lives together, if they were lucky. Taking the plunge is a big step, but if that’s what Carol wants, he’s ready.

Fatherhood though, that a whole different issue. Is he really ready to take on the responsibility of another life? He does it everyday, what’s so different about this? At the hospital, he knows exactly what to do. He does the best job he can. If his best is good enough, the patient survives. If not, he has to cope with the lose. But, this is different. How does he know his best will measure up even half of the time when it comes to being a father? Is it fair to have a child when he’s not sure he can be the father that child deserves? It’s beyond debate now. The cards have been dealt and he has to deal with this hand, somehow.

Charlie walks in just after four o’clock. Carol’s car is out front, so Charlie assumes she’s already home. But, after searching the downstairs, she sees no sign of Carol. She heads upstairs, thinking Carol might be taking a nap. She was sick a few days ago, maybe she wasn’t feeling well again and decided to rest for a while. Charlie knocks on the bedroom door. “Carol?” she calls.

“Just a minute,” Carol replies. Her voice sounds strained and upset. Charlie can tell something is not right. “Come in,” Carol calls.

Charlie opens the door and sees Carol. She’s sitting on the bed. Even from across the room, it is evident she’s been crying. Her eyes are puffy and she sniffles several times as Charlie enters. “What’s the matter?” the girl asks.

“Nothing,” Carol lies. “I’m just . . . it’s nothing, really.”

Charlie looks curiously at Carol. “What is it? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing, really. It’s fine. Everything is fine.” Charlie still doesn’t believe her, for obvious reasons. “I just can’t talk about it now, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be okay though.” She looks at Charlie and tries her best to smile.

Charlie nods and turns to leave. “Do you need anything?” she asks from the door.

“No, I’ll be alright.” Charlie begins to close the door. Just before it closes, Carol says, “Charlie? Thanks.”

Charlie nods and goes across the hall to her room.

Alone on her bed, Carol is still contemplating the days events. It is almost ten o’clock at night and she’s been up here for hours, thinking. She’s shed more tears today then she remembers shedding in quite a while. Now, she’s sitting on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, feeling very drained. There are so many thoughts that are running through her mind. She’s scared and upset yet also kind of happy all at once. It’s definitely not the right time for this, there is no question about that. But, does it have to be the end of the world? Isn’t it possible this could be a blessing in disguise? Doug didn’t seem to think so. He had run out of the room so fast she had barely had time to see his reaction. She knows he’s scared, too. This is a shock for them both. It’s just, right now, she feels so alone, so isolated. She doesn’t know if she can tell anyone else just yet, she needs more time to think. Doug is the only one she has right now, and, it seems, she doesn’t even have him. Just as she is thinking that she couldn’t possibly cry another tear, a fresh wave of sorrow overtakes her and she succumbs to her sobbing once again.

Doug is at work. It’s nearly 3am. He’s off at four. Looking around the ER, all is quiet. It’s a slow night, especially for a Friday. He heads for the lounge to go over some charts. When he enters, he sees Carter sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. “Hey, Dr. Ross,” Carter says upon seeing Doug.

“Morning Carter,” Doug replies, taking a seat in a nearby chair.

Carter picks up on Doug’s solemn demeanor and asks, “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing,” Doug is not in the mood to discuss this right now. He doesn’t even want to think about it yet.

Carter nods, knowing it’s not the right time to press him. “So, Charlie’s probably glad to be rid of that cast, huh? I haven’t seen her since Wednesday when she came in to get it off but she seemed pretty excited that day.” Doug nods but says nothing. Continuing to try and take his mind off of whatever it is that is bothering him, Carter says, “I heard Carol was back today, but Maggie said she left early. Is she doing okay?”

“She’s fine,” Doug says, not wanting to get into a conversation with his colleague. Carter picks up on this and doesn’t ask any more questions.

A few minutes later, Mark walks in. He’s just arriving for his shift, which starts at four. “Hey guys,” he says as he pours himself a cup of coffee and sits with the other two men. He immediately notices the tension in the air and that Doug seems distracted by something. He looks at Carter, who notices he’s aware that Doug’s upset. Without a word, Carter can tell that Dr. Greene and Dr. Ross need a few moments to themselves. He excuses himself and leaves the lounge.

“You want to talk about it?” Mark asks Doug as soon as Carter has gone.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Doug replies. He is sipping coffee, looking over a chart in his hand.

“Don’t give me that,” Mark says. “You know as well as I do that something is going on. What is it?”

Doug sighs and pulls his eyes from the chart. He thinks for a moment about whether he should tell Mark what is going on. He decides that he has to, Mark will understand and he needs to talk to someone about this. “Carol’s pregnant,” he says flatly.

Mark’s eyes get as big as saucers. “When did you find this out?”

“Today, this afternoon. She came over before work and told me. I’m such a jerk, Mark! I didn’t know what to say to her. I just let her leave. How could I do that?” He’s more emotional than Mark has ever seen him.

Mark places a hand on Doug’s shoulder. “Carol knows you love her. She’ll understand this was just a shock. But, you have to be there for her now. She’s got to be as thrown by this as you obviously are. Let her know she’s not alone.”

Doug nods. He knows Mark is right. He has to be there for Carol just like she’s always there for him. “Thanks,” he says, looking up at his friend. He doesn’t need to elaborate, Mark understands.

The house is dark and silent when Doug enters at 4:30am that Saturday morning. He walks upstairs and eases into Carol’s bedroom. She is lying in the bed, asleep. She looks as though she’s been crying all day. ‘She probably has,’ Doug thinks. He hates himself for making her go through this alone, even for half a day. He sits down on the bed and Carol’s eyes fly open. She’s been in and out of her fitful sleep all night and the smallest sounds have caused her to awaken. Now, as Doug sees he’s woken her again, she begins to sit up. “Sorry,” he whispers, “go back to sleep.”

“No,” she replies, sitting up further, “I think we should talk.”

Doug nods. He looks at Carol and sees all of the pain in her eyes. He knows he is the cause of some of that pain. She’s spent the whole day worrying about this and he has left her all alone with this enormous weight. “I’m sorry,” he says. His eyes fill with tears as he continues to watch her. “Can you ever forgive me?”

She sees his tears and this brings tears to her eyes as well. She nods and smiles sadly through her tears. Doug pulls her close and wraps her in his arms. They embrace for a long time, neither wanting to leave the warmth and comfort they feel in each others arms. Finally, Doug sits back. He takes both of Carol’s hands into his and looks into her eyes. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. There is no way to make up for the way I acted this afternoon. I was a jerk to you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I seem to ask that a lot, but I love you so much. I hate to know I’ve hurt you. I . . .” his voice cracks and tears spill onto his cheeks.

Carol takes one of her hands from his and reaches up to brush away his tears. “I know. I understand. I was so shocked . . . I knew I was dropping a lot on you. This is just so sudden . . . There’s nothing to forgive. You’re here now and that’s all that matters.” She smiles at him and he kisses her sweetly. As the kiss ends, she looks down, “Now, what are we going to do?”

Doug sighs. He knows they have a lot of decisions to make. This talk is probably the most difficult one he’s ever had to be part of because he is totally unprepared. “I have no idea, Carol. This is just so . . . I don’t know. What do you think of all of this?”

She looks at him. “I don’t know either. I know we’re not exactly ready for this. We haven’t planned it or expected it to happen, at least not right now.” She stops and looks at Doug as fresh tears fill her eyes. “I know I can’t get rid of it though, Doug. I don’t know if I am ready to be a mom, but I know I could never go through that again.” She is crying considerably as she finishes her sentence.

Doug takes her into his arms once more and holds her close to him. “I would never ask that of you. We’ll get through this, Carol. I don’t know how, but I know we will.”

They stay up talking for several more hours. The final conclusion seems just as confusing as the dilemma. They just have to wait and see. Both of them are scared, neither knows what lies ahead. All they know is that they have a long road ahead and they must face it, together.

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