ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #8

Souvenir

by: Courtney

Charlie walks into Carol’s kitchen and is greeted by the aroma of fresh coffee. “Would you like a cup?” Carol asks. Charlie nods and Carol hands her a mug. “You’re up early. Did you sleep well?” It is just after 8am on Saturday morning.

“Yeah. What time did I fall asleep?”

“You were out before the end of ‘Lethal Weapon’. Around eleven I guess.” Carol sips her coffee and leans on the counter as Charlie takes a seat at the kitchen table.

“Where’s Doug?” she asks.

“Oh, he’s still sleeping,” Carol replies. “He has to be at work at noon and he’s on for fifteen hours so I thought he could use a little more rest.”

“So, he stayed here, too, then?” Charlie glances at Carol who nods her head in reply. “Hmm,” is the only response Charlie gives her.

“Listen, I was thinking, since Doug has to work all day, why don’t you and I go shopping? We can look at stuff for your room.”

“I don’t need anything for my room.”

Carol looks at her, still holding her smile. “Sure you do. Doug hasn’t exactly done the greatest decorating job in there. It still looks like a guest room. You have to add some personal touches. Come on,” she coaxes, “it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know. My arm’s been hurting. I think I’d just like to stay home.”

Carol looks disappointed, but nods. “Okay, well, if you change your mind . . . “

“I’ll let you know,” Charlie mumbles.

Carol nods again and leaves the kitchen to start on some laundry. When she returns, Charlie has finished her coffee and is sitting on the couch, watching television. She thinks about going in to talk to her again, but she decides to wait. She remembers what she told Doug about giving her some time. ‘Maybe that’s all it will take,’ she thinks. ‘I sure hope so.’ But, as she walks upstairs to do some cleaning, she is less convinced than ever that Charlie will accept her.

Carol is in one of the two guest rooms, washing the windows, when Doug finally crawls out of bed. She has a blue scarf tied around her head to keep her hair back and she is wearing an old sweat suit. “Good morning, beautiful,” Doug greets her as he saunters into the room in his pajama pants, pulling on a black T-shirt. He walks over to the window and wraps his arms around Carol’s waist.

“Oh, I look really beautiful this morning,” she says with a sarcastic laugh. She stops washing the window and turns around in Doug’s arms. “How did you sleep?”

“Better with you there,” he says as he kisses her gently.

“Oh, I know the feeling. I’ve missed you, doctor.” She grins and they continue to kiss. “We’d better get a hold of ourselves. What if Charlie walks in?” Carol says, reluctantly breaking their embrace.

“Alright,” Doug says, rather disappointedly. “But, we are going to have to find someway to work around this current arrangement,” he gives her a mischievous grin and kisses her again.

Carol shakes her head and sighs, “What am I going to do with you?” she laughs. “Anyway,” she says, losing her lighthearted tone, “I had a talk with Charlie this morning.”

“How’d that go?” Doug asks, even though he already has a pretty good idea.

“About what you’d expect,” Carol sighs. “I asked her if she’d like to go shopping with me today while you’re working, but she said her arm was hurting. She still doesn’t think very much of me.”

“Oh, Carol, come on, like you said, she just needs time. She’ll open up to you, eventually.” Doug places his hand on Carol’s shoulder and brushes a few stray hairs from her forehead.

She nods and smiles sadly at him, “I know, you’re right.”

“Well, did you mention her staying here tonight? What did she say about that?”

“No, I didn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure she’s not going to like that idea, though.”

“Well, it’s not her choice. She can’t stay alone all day long. It’s not safe for a fifteen year old to be by herself until 3am, especially if Tommy were to find out where she is. I want her to stay here with you. I’ll talk to her about it.” Carol nods and Doug turns to leave. He turns back one last time and kisses Carol on the cheek, then disappears down the stairs to have a talk with Charlie.

When Doug is out of sight, Carol turns back towards the window. She looks out, but she doesn’t see the familiar Chicago street she now calls home. Her mind is on other things, and other times. Her thoughts turn to a time in her not so distant past. It’s hard to believe it’s only been three years. It seems like a lifetime ago, but then, some days, it seems like only yesterday. She remembers sitting on the edge of the bed in her apartment. She looked down at the many multi-colored pills in her hand, then at the glass of bourbon on the nightstand. She remembers what the pills felt like as they slid down and how the bourbon burned her throat. She had picked up her wallet and taken one last look at a picture of Tag. Then, she had flipped back to the back of the wallet and removed a photo that was hidden away in a small, unseen slot. Looking at the picture, she traced Doug’s face with her fingers. She returned the photo to it’s hiding place and put the wallet on her nightstand. Laying her head back against the pillows, she thought of all she was losing. Was it worth it? Maybe not, but she didn’t have the strength to stick around and find out. She had heard Todd’s voice from that phone call she had received the previous evening. Hearing him had pushed her back ten years to the most horrible time of her whole life. She didn’t know how to deal with this, on top of everything else that was going on. Dealing with Todd and with what she’d had to do back then, it was just too much to bear. She closed her eyes and began to cry. Just before the pills took effect, she mouthed the words, ‘I’m sorry,’ then, she felt herself drifting away.

The next thing Carol remembers is waking up, days later, in the hospital she has come to know so well. She wasn’t in the ER, though. She was in the ICU and Tag was there, and her mother. Her head was swimming as she opened her eyes and realized what she’d almost done. They both looked very surprised to see her eyes open, as if they never expected them to open again. Tag had hugged her and her mother had grabbed her hand and started to cry. It all seemed like a dream now. She had thought back to that time so often, yet she never really understood all that had happened. Why had she tried to kill herself? Now that she was with Doug and had found happiness, that woman who had been so desperate seemed like a stranger to her. But, she had been that woman. She had felt like she had nowhere to go and nothing would ever be right again. She’d been pretty unhappy back then. Even though she had Tag and he loved her, there was always something missing. She would tell herself it was just too soon and that she needed to give her relationship with Tag some time to grow, but, when she would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with Doug’s name on her lips, it was hard to ignore the truth. She never wanted to need him. After what he’d done, cheating on her, she never wanted to love him. She just never knew how to make herself hate Doug. She had tried, when he was going out with a different woman every night, coming to work half drunk, and constantly doing stupid things, she did everything in her power to hate him. It just never worked. When he’d come to her house that night, two months after the suicide attempt, she had sent him away, then gone to her room to cry herself to sleep. ‘Why can’t I just forget him?’ she now remembers wondering. At the time, she never knew, but now she is well aware of the reasons Doug never left her thoughts. From the first time she kissed him, she loved Doug Ross. Not the womanizing, partying, terminally irresponsible Doug that everyone knew, that wasn’t the Doug she fell for. Her heart had always been drawn to the man hiding within that callous shell. She’d always loved the man she always knew Doug could be, the man he was now. As she sits at the window and contemplates this, she realizes that she almost lost the best thing in her life. ‘Thank goodness someone was looking out for us,’ she thinks. Carol shakes free of the memories she’s been lost in and continues to clean the bedroom windows.

Doug enters the living room and sees Charlie sitting on the couch, watching an old movie. “What’s this?” he asks as he approaches.

“I don’t know,” Charlie shrugs as she turns to see him enter. “I’m not really paying much attention to it.”

“Carol says your arm has been hurting. Is it still bothering you?”

“A little,” she replies, “but I’ll be fine.”

Doug nods and takes a seat on the couch beside her. “Listen, you know I have to work until three o’clock tomorrow morning, right?” She nods. “Well, I don’t want you to be by yourself for that long, so Carol said it would be okay for you to stay here again tonight.” Doug watches her expression to see her reaction to this.

Charlie says, “I don’t need a babysitter. I’ve been taking care of myself my whole life.” Her words aren’t loud, but her tone is biting.

Doug looks at her, “That may very well be, but, if you’re going to stay with me, there have to be rules. This is the first one. You don’t stay by yourself all night while I work. It hasn’t even been a week since this Tommy thing. You’ll be much safer here with Carol.” His words have a definite finality to them and Charlie can see that any argument will fall on deaf ears. She shrugs and nods her reluctant agreement to being Carol’s guest for a second night. “Good,” Doug says, smiling a little. “Carol will be glad to hear it.” Charlie’s expression remains sullen, but she doesn’t put forth any response.

Doug gets up from the couch and tells Charlie he is going to get ready for work. He makes his way upstairs and into the shower.

As she hears Doug bounding down the stairs, Carol calls, “In here, Doug!”

He walks into the kitchen and sees her standing over the stove, stirring the contents of a large, silver pot. Meanwhile, Charlie is at the opposite counter top tearing a head of lettuce into a large wooden bowl. “What’s going on?” he asks as he sees the two hard at work.

“What’s it look like?” Carol smiles. “We’re making lunch.”

Doug looks at his watch. “It’s only 11 o’clock,” he says.

“I know, but I knew you’d be leaving soon and that you didn’t have breakfast so I thought we’d cook a little early. We’ll warm ours up in a while when we’re hungry.”

“That wasn’t necessary. I could have just stopped somewhere on my way in for some lunch.”

Carol shakes her head, “No way, I know you. You’d have ended up with a grilled cheese from the cafeteria. Or worse, the meatloaf surprise from Doc’s! No, you need real food. And, I can’t trust you to eat vegetables when you’re out of my sight,” she smiles.

Doug chuckles, “Okay, I guess I’m staying for lunch then. What are we having, by the way?”

“Baked chicken, which is almost done, steamed vegetables and baked potatoes. Oh, and a salad, Charlie’s in charge of that,” she smiles towards the girl, who continues to prepare the salad without looking up. Carol gives Doug a look and he shrugs. “How’s the salad coming, anyway, Charlie?” she turns and asks.

“It’s finished,” Charlie says, adding the tomatoes she’s just chopped. She carries to bowl over to the table and sets it in the center. Doug takes a bowl from atop his plate and gets out some salad. He walks over to the refrigerator and retrieves the salad dressing, then returns to the table.

Carol quickly finishes the rest of the meal so he can eat before he has to leave for the hospital. Charlie goes into the living room and Carol sits at the table to keep Doug company. “She’s not thrilled that she has to stay here today,” Carol says.

“I know, but it’ll be alright. She won’t be any trouble.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that. I just wish she didn’t feel like she *had* to stay here. I want her to want to.” Doug looks up from his chicken and catches Carol’s melancholy expression. He takes her hand and she forces a sad smile. He puts his hand to her face and strokes her cheek. No words are exchanged, but his eyes say ‘I love you,’ louder than he could speak the words.

By one o’clock that afternoon, Doug is long gone for his shift. Carol is in the kitchen and she starts getting hungry. She decides to go up and ask Charlie if she’s ready to eat. She approaches the guest room, where Charlie had gone a little over an hour ago to take a nap. Carol raps lightly on the door, and hears Charlie say, “Come in.”

“Hi,” Carol says, peeking inside the door. Charlie is sitting Indian style on the bed, staring out the nearby window. She looks up briefly, nods and gives a quick, rather sarcastic, smile to her visitor. Carol ignores this and steps further inside the room. “I was getting ready to heat up some lunch. Are you hungry?” Charlie shrugs and looks towards the window. “Is something wrong?” Carol asks.

“No, I’m fine,” Charlie says, but Carol can see that this isn’t the case.

“You know, if you feel like talking, I’m a good listener.”

Charlie smirks and gives a quick laugh. “I’ll be fine,” she says, her voice full of contempt.

Carol walks over to the bed and stares down at Charlie. Her face is not exactly angry, more hurt than anything. “What is it?” she asks. “What did I do that makes you hate me so much? Is it because of my relationship with Doug?”

Charlie looks up. “No, of course not. And, I don’t hate you.”

“What then? You obviously don’t like me. You can barely stand to talk to me. What is this all about?”

Charlie sits in silence for a moment, her face towards the window. Finally, she turns to Carol. “I just don’t like it when people pretend to understand me. Especially when they couldn’t possibly know who I am.” She looks straight into Carol’s eyes for a moment, then turns away again.

Carol sits down on the edge of the bed and situates herself to be face to face with Charlie. “What makes you think I couldn’t understand?”

“Are you serious?” the girl says, half smiling. “We’re barely from the same planet,” she says incredulously.

“We might have more in common than you think,” she says, quietly. She looks at Charlie and the emotion in her eyes throws the girl for a moment. She looks at Carol and waits for an explanation. “I know more about the things you’ve been through than you think. We have a few things in common besides Doug.”

“Like what?” Charlie asks, her tone half skeptical, half curious.

“We’ve both overdosed on drugs before,” she says, looking down at the quilted bedspread. Charlie wrinkles her eyebrows and continues to stare at her. “I tried to kill myself once,” Carol admits. “I think I know what desperation feels like as well as you do.”

Charlie is a little shocked by what she has heard. She opens her mouth to speak, but Carol next comment cuts her off.

“We were both raped.” The statement hangs in the air for a moment. Neither woman seems to be breathing. They look at one another and Carol’s eyes are filled with pain as she makes her startling revelation. “It was a long time ago,” Carol says, breaking the deafening silence.

Charlie looks down and begins to nod. “It was a year ago for me.”

“It’s hard,” Carol says. “It gets easier, but it never goes away.”

Charlie looks up and Carol sees tears in her blue eyes. “The hardest part for me was knowing I deserved it.”

Carol moves closer to her and touches her shoulder. “What do you mean? Of course you didn’t deserve it. No one deserves to be violated like that.”

She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut to force back the tears. “I wasn’t exactly trying to keep myself out of trouble. Just being around Tommy was enough for me to have asked for something like that to happen.” She laughs sadly and looks at Carol. “I had never done it before that.”

Carol keeps her arm on Charlie shoulder and says, “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t ask to be raped, no matter what. I don’t know what’s worse, you being raped, or blaming yourself.” Charlie hangs her head and Carol hugs her. In a low voice she says, “It was my first time, too.”

For the rest of the afternoon, the two talk about their pasts. Carol tells Charlie about her rape and how she had had an abortion afterwards. Charlie tells her about Tommy. He had been the one who raped her. He had acted as though there was nothing wrong with it and that it was her fault. After that, she had given up on most of the things she cared about. Tommy had gotten her into prostitution, drugs, he had beaten her up more times than she could remember. “I was so stupid to stay with him for so long,” she tells Carol.

“You were scared. Guys like Tommy can be pretty scary. You don’t have to worry now, though. You’ll never have to see him again.” Charlie nods and looks back to the window towards the cold, Chicago sky.

The afternoon drags into evening. By the time Charlie and Carol finally eat their lunch, it is dinner time. They eat together. There isn’t much more conversation than usual, but Carol feels like there is a lot less tension in the air between them now. They are finally starting to connect, Charlie is beginning to trust her a little at last.

They spend the evening watching the remaining movies they had rented the previous night. By ten o’clock, Charlie is tired and decides to go up to bed. Carol stays behind in the living room for a while. The day has been pretty stressful for her. Emotionally, she is utterly exhausted, but her mind is so full of thoughts she doesn’t think she could possibly sleep.

At around 10:30pm, Doug calls. He tells her about his dinner with Charlie’s social worker. He had called her and she was busy, but agreed to meet him after work while he took his dinner break. He is excited as he and Carol speak because he has good news.

“She talked to the judge,” he says, “and they think it will be a good idea for Charlie to stay with me. Of course, there’s still a lot of stuff to work out before it’s definite, but, for now at least, she can stay. They’ll set the court date later. The judge thinks it will probably be in about three weeks.”

“That’s great,” Carol says, hiding the morose tone from her voice. “What do they think of her chances of staying with you full time?”

“Pretty good. There’s no reason that any of us could think of for them not to let her stay.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. I’m sure Charlie will be happy.”

“Yeah, is she up?”

“No, she’s been in bed for about half an hour.”

“Oh, well, I’ll talk to her in the morning then. How’d things go there today?”

“Not bad. We’ll talk more about it when you get home, okay? I think I’m going to try to get some sleep.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Sleep well. Hey, do you want me to come over there after work? I mean, it’ll be late. I’d hate to wake you.”

Carol smiles and says, “No, that’s okay. Come on over. If you wake me, it’s okay. I need to talk to you anyway.”

“Is anything wrong,” he asks, concerned.

“No, everything’s fine. We’ll talk later, okay?’

“Okay. Goodnight, I love you.”

“I love you, too. Bye.” She cradles the receiver and sits back in her chair. The house is silent and she can feel her own heart beating. She gets up and slowly mounts the stairs to her room.

Once upstairs, Carol is still not able to rest. She sits at the window and stares out at the quiet, tree-lined street, contemplating the days events. She thinks about Doug’s phone call. When he had told her about Charlie being able to stay, she was glad. But, it also brought about some painful memories for her. She thinks back to all that she had to endure when she had tried to adopt Tatiana. A sad smile spreads across her cheeks as she pictures the little girl’s face. Carol had wanted so much to give her a home. Her smile fades as she recalls the day the social worker informed her that, because of her suicide attempt, she would not be able to adopt the girl. With a deep sigh, she thinks of that night. She had still been with Tag at the time, but, when she had received the awful news, where did she turn? To Doug. She had felt herself being pulled towards his apartment. For some reason, his arms were the only place she wanted to be. When she’d arrived, he was more than a little surprised. She remembers the attempt she made to kiss him and how he had turned her away. She had cried on his shoulder for the first time that night. It was the first moment she truly realized how much she loved him. When she had gone home to Tag, things hadn’t been the same. In fact, after that night, they were never the same again.

Carol stays by the window, lost in her thoughts, for a long time. She doesn’t realize how long she’s been there until she hears Doug’s car out front. She looks at the clock to see that it is 3:30am. Doug walks in and looks at the bed. Not seeing Carol, he looks around the room and spots her in the chair, staring out at the night. The moonlight glints off of a tear as it traces a path down Carol’s cheek. Doug rushes over to her.

“What’s the matter?” His voice is tight with worry.

She looks up and into his stare. Even the look of concern he conveys cannot cover the love he has for her as she stares into his deep brown eyes. She smiles at him through her tears. He kneels down beside her and takes her hand. With his other hand, he reaches up and wipes a few stray tears from her soft cheeks. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“I’m fine.” Her response is obviously not very convincing.

“You don’t look fine.” He helps her up from the chair and leads her over to the bed. They sit down together and he puts his arm gently around her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She snuggles closer to him and begins to speak. She tells him about the talk she had with Charlie, about how it brought up a lot of memories and that she has just been thinking about a lot of things. “I’ll be fine, though,” she assures him.

Doug still seems very concerned by how upset she is. He turns her to face him and cradles her face in his strong hands. “I love you,” he says, his voice almost cracking. “I hate to see you like this.”

She gives him a small smile and a quick kiss. “I’ll be fine,” she repeats.

“I know you say that, but I’d still like you to do something for me.” Carol looks up expectantly at this. “I want you to see Nina Pomerantz.”

Carol gives him a hesitant look, “Doug I don’t think . . .”

“Carol, I really think you need to talk to someone. I’d love to think I am the only person in the world you need, but I’m not blind enough to really believe that. Love may be the greatest thing in the world, but it can’t cure everything. Please say you’ll talk to Nina, for me.” His eyes have a pleading look and Carol can tell how important this is to him. She slowly nods her consent to Doug and he smiles a little, then kisses her gently. “I think you’ll be glad,” he tells her.

She isn’t sure what to say to all of this. Right now, she isn’t worried about Nina Pomerantz or therapy or any of that. The only person she cares about right now is sitting beside her. “Will you hold me?” she asks him. He nods and wraps his arms around her. She lays there for a long time, feeling him stroke her hair. She feels so safe with him. It’s hard to believe that there was a time in her life when she didn’t know Doug. It feels like they’ve always been together. Listening to the soft sound of his heart against her ear, Carol eventually falls asleep in Doug’s arms.

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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