LES:
I'd like to see if I can fit BOTH your swollen testicles in my mouth. I promise not to bite like last time.

Roberta

To all my buddies:

As you all know, I have recently purchased a monstrously huge sport/utility vehicle. I've decided it's time for a christening befitting a cruiser of this size...so it's time for Ram-n-Cram 2000!

I want Blade, Les, Tiny Mike, Cody, Jacob, Tommy, and ESPECIALLY the Dream Team (Robert & Stan) to sit in the back seat, naked and aroused, while I cruise down the highway. Kiddies, make sure you don't buckle up, so when I rear-end someone, I'M the one getting the rear end fun! We'll even award points to whoever gets closest to one of my orifices with their proud pecker! Thank God for inertia! And don't worry about safety -- I have airbags enough for us all!!!

Toodle-oo,
Cheri

NOTE: This is not a love letter per se. It was actually written by the person to whom it is ascribed. But it's still funny as hell.

Blade,

Can you please give me a wake-up call at 3AM?

Yes, I know that's gonna run me late, but I just decided fuck it. In the ass...roughly and with venom while it squeals its sniveling objections...then spew spunk into its bloody orifices...then call all my friends over and let them all fuck it in the ass after we tie it spread-eagle over a John Deere lawn tractor...then tie a plastic laundry bag over its head until it passes out...then throw it in my trunk and drive it out to the middle of W----- County to some illegal landfill...then throw water in its face until it regains consciousness, shoot it in both knees and make it beg for the better part of an hour to, "Please, God, don't kill me, I don't even know why you're doing this, please, please, please,"...then slice its head halfway off and leaving it crawling around gurgling and trying to stand up until the wild dogs of the western part of our state find it.

Thank you,
Tommy

TINY MIKE:

I'm sorry about those hurtful things I said to you a few weeks ago. I'd like to show my gratitude to you for being such a great director by taking you out into the parking lot, tying your tiny peter to the sat truck, and dragging you up and down V----- Avenue for about two hours. Then I'd like to stuff a picture of Ike up your ass, so it'll always feel like he's in there...oh, wait, he IS always in there, isn't he? Oh, well. Please accept my humble apologies, and I'll see you in the parking lot after the show.

Yours,
Weekend Morning Anchor

P.S. You'd better make me look good out there, Tiny-boy!

ROBERT,

As much as I like your ticker, I like your pecker even more.

Sports Guy

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