First Kiss

Hugh		My first kiss. I suppose everyone can remember
		their first kiss. Nothing quite lives up to it, does
		it? I was eleven years old I remember and my great
		uncle had come to stay for a few weeks on parole.
		We used to play a game where I would sit on his
		lap and he would pretend to be a train. Then one
		day ...

	Stephen comes on.

Stephen		Hugh, Hugh, what are you saying?

Hugh		I was telling the ladies and gentlemen about my
		first kiss.

Stephen		Yes, but Hugh, this is a delicate area, I really
		don't think -

Hugh		We agreed that "A Bit Of Fry & Laurie" was
		going to be an arena for the expression of all kinds
		of ideas and experiences that wouldn't normally
		find their way on to television, didn't we?

Stephen		We did, we did agree.

Hugh		So my surprise at feeling a tongue suddenly ...

Stephen		Hugh, there are valid arenas and valid arenas. This
		is not one of them.

Hugh		But I want that experience to be understood, it
		may help others to know that they're not the first
		to feel that wet ...

Stephen		Hugh. Believe me this is a whole can of worms
		you're opening here, and if there is one single
		taboo left, one unmentionable subject not fit for
		comic treatment, you've just mentioned it.

Hugh		But surely there's nothing so very odd about
		it. There I was, on my great-uncle's lap and in
		came Lucy.

Stephen		Lucy.

Hugh		Yes, Lucy.

Stephen		And how old was Lucy?

Hugh		Oh, twelve I think. And I kissed her.

Stephen		You kissed her.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		You've done this deliberately, haven't you?

Hugh		Done what?

Stephen		You set it up to make it sound as if -

Hugh		As is what?

Stephen		Never mind. Get on with it.

Hugh		All right. So I kissed Lucy, and was very surprised
		to feel her tongue pop out. It was my first real
		snog and I loved it. You can imagine that I fell in
		love instantly. Sadly the next year Lucy developed
		distemper and had to be put down.

Stephen		Doh.

Stephen		(As woman) Well, I was born
		Mary Patterson, but then I
		married and naturally took my
		husband's name, so now I'm Neil
		Patterson.