The Cause

	Hugh and Stephen are in a London club sort of place.


Stephen		Freddy.

Hugh		Oh, good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there.

Stephen		Good evening, Freddy.

Hugh		Well, good evening, Jack.

Stephen		Now then, Freddy you're a decent sort of chap.

Hugh		Well, I, yes, I think so Jack, yes, I try to be a
		decent sort of chap, yes.

Stephen		Mmmm. Can I ask you a question, Freddy?

Hugh		Ask away, ask-a-bloody-way.

Stephen		Are you one of us?

Hugh		Am I one of us?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Am I one of us?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Not entirely sure I understand your question, Jack.

Stephen		Let me put it another way.

Hugh		Oh, would you Jack, yes, well, I'd be enormously
		grateful.

Stephen		Do you believe in the cause?

Hugh		The cause ...

Stephen		The Cause of Freedom.

Hugh		Well, Jack I suppose, generally, yes, yes, I do. If
		anyone's passing the hat round for freedom, I'll
		bung in a quid or two, Jack, yes.

Stephen		I thought so, I thought so from the first.

Hugh		Yes, I'm one of us Jack, if you want to put it
		that way.

Stephen		Excellent.

Hugh		Phew, well, we got there in the end, Jack, sorted
		that one out.

Stephen		It gets a bit more complicated now.

Hugh		Oh, Lord.

Stephen		Would you be prepared to do something in the
		cause of freedom?

Hugh		What sort of thing, Jack? Jumble sale, hand out
		leaflets? What?

Stephen		Put a bomb in a restaurant.

Hugh		Put a bomb in a restaurant. Ah Crikey. And leave
		it there, you mean?

Stephen		Leave it there. That's right.

Hugh		Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there, have a spot
		of lunch and then take it out again?

Stephen		No, I mean leave it there.

Hugh		Um, until it goes off?

Stephen		Precisely. Do you think you could manage that in
		the cause of freedom?

Hugh		Oh, Jack, Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind, sort
		of, joining up the dots for me, if you like.

Stephen		If it'll make it easier for you.

Hugh		I think it will, Jack, I think it will, because unless
		I've fainted and missed a whole chunk of the
		conversation, um, we've been sitting here, you
		and I, having a nice old chat, putting the world to
		rights and so on, and then suddenly you're asking
		me to put a bomb in a restaurant.

Stephen		That's right.

Hugh		Those are the two dots I'd like you to join
		up, Jack. The nice chat and the bomb in the
		restaurant. Join them up for me, there's a
		good fellow.

Stephen		All right then, Freddy. There are certain people
		who do not believe in the cause.

Hugh		Don't believe in freedom, you mean?

Stephen		That's right.

Hugh		Oh, utter swines, and they eat in a particular
		restaurant, do they Jack?

Stephen		Some of them will be eating in a particular
		restaurant on a particular day.

Hugh		Ah, well, Jack, sorry to stop you, but, I've an idea,
		um, well, you know who these people are, Jack.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		And you know which restaurant they'll be in?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Right, well, so here's the idea. We go in there, you
		and I, Jack and we sit down at their table and we
		hammer it out with them face to face. What do
		you say?

Stephen		Fight them, you mean?

Hugh		No, no, no, Jack, no: argument. You're a persuasive
		fellow, Jack - I bet we could sit down at their table
		over the soup, and you could talk and I'll back you
		to the hilt and I bet you anything we could have
		them believing in freedom by the time the pudding
		arrives. What do you say Jack?

Stephen		I don't think that'll quite do.

Hugh		It won't quite do. Well, all right Jack. How about
		this (Laughs) we pretend to put a bomb in the
		restaurant.

Stephen		Freddy ...

Hugh		Yes, Jack?

Stephen		I think perhaps ...

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		I think perhaps that I was wrong about you.

Hugh		No, Jack, no. No you were absolutely right, Jack.
		Right as bloody rain, you were.

Stephen		Well, then.

Hugh		Well Jack, it's just ... I'm just the most awful
		duffer at this sort of thing.

Stephen		The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or in Maddox
		Street. I suggest you put it behind the lavatory
		cistern. But it's up to you.

Hugh		Oh, Hell.

	Stephen (Gordon) and Hugh (Stuart) are at a 
	restaurant with their wives.

Hugh		They've got a bigger table than we have.

Girl 1		Come on Stuart, this is fine.

Hugh		Look, there are two of them and they've got a
		bigger table. There are four of us and look at this.
		(Bangs table)

Girl 2		Oh Stuart for heaven's sake, a table's a table!

Stephen		Darling ...

Hugh		Well, Jill, there we differ. To me there are tables
		and there are tables. Am I right Gordon?

Stephen		Well you know me, Stuart, table is as table does.

Girl 1		At least it's snug, poppet.

Hugh		What it is, poppet, is cramped. You should've used
		my name when you booked.

Girl 1		Well I did.

Stephen		What, Mr Poppet?

	(They all laugh at Hugh)

	(Hugh enters the restaurant as the character from the 
	club, clutching briefcase with bomb in it)

Waiter		Good evening, sir.

Hugh		Good evening. A table for bomb please.

Waiter		Excuse me?

Hugh		(Laughing hysterically) A table for one. Sorry ... bit
		nervous. I've never actually eaten a meal before.

Waiter		Well, you have chosen the perfect place to start.
		Follow me please.

	(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)

Stephen		So what did we think of the show?

Girl 1		Loved it. Thought it was really nice.

Stephen		Me too. High quality entertainment.

Hugh		I'm going to come right out and say it. To
		me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright this
		country's turned out since William Shakespeare.

Stephen		That's a hell of a statement, Stu.

Hugh		Well let me go one further, Gordon. To me, Jeffrey
		Archer delivers.

Stephen		Oh the guy can write, no question.

Girl 2		Delivers, does he?

Hugh		I beg your pardon, Jill?

Stephen		Come on darling, you know what he means.

Hugh		No, it's all right thank you, Gordon. I can fight
		my own battles. What he delivers, Jill, to my mind,
		is quality drama ... OK it's a little dangerous
		... OK it's not something that your average Joe
		punter is going to find all that accessible, but
		in the market he's working to he delivers and
		Gordon will tell you that's a compliment I use very
		sparingly indeed.

Stephen		It's true actually Jill, it's true. Stuart is not the
		kind of man to bandy the word "deliver" around
		the place.

Hugh		Thank you Gordon.

Girl 1		Thought the sets were marvellous. They were
		really clever. Weren't they poppet?

Hugh		Yes, and the costumes were fantastic.

Girl 2		Sorry, they were wearing suits weren't they?

Hugh		Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer is so strong you
		see ... in his observation. He's observed that in
		an office a large number of people wear suits. Isn't
		that right, Gordon?

Stephen		Absolutely, Stu.

Hugh		Well, he's observed that, you see. I mean the guy's
		got an eye for detail like well, there's no one like
		him in my book.

Stephen		To be fair to myself, Stu, I'd observed that people
		in offices wear suits too.

Hugh		No, no, no you hadn't, Gordon. You can only say
		that after you've seen the play. If I'd asked you
		before the play what people wear in offices you
		wouldn't have had a clue.

Stephen		I think I would've said suits.

Hugh		No you wouldn't, Gordon.

Stephen		I think I would.

	(Hugh clicks his fingers at the waiter)

Hugh		No you wouldn't. Now wait a minute, look, that
		bloke came in after us and they're taking his order.

	(Hugh is the character with the bomb, still clutching the 
	briefcase)

Waiter		What would you like, sir?

Hugh		Crikey, yes.

Waiter		Something the matter, sir?

Hugh		Well, how many lavatories have you got here?

Waiter		Just one, sir, over there.

Hugh		Yes, I've tried that one, it's no good. No bloody
		good. It's the cistern, it's too close to the wall ...
		you can't get anything between the cistern and the
		wall. Oh hell.

Waiter		Are you ready to order, sir?

Hugh		Order yes, well, to be perfectly honest I'm not
		awfully hungry.

Waiter		Well may I recommend a salad? Perhaps a smoked
		chicken salad? It makes a perfect light meal.

Hugh		Yes that sounds awfully good. Tell you what
		though, instead of that I think I'll just have a glass
		of water.

Waiter		Just a glass of water, sir?

Hugh		Lord no, make it a bottle. Or tell you what, half a
		dozen bottles. I mean you only live once don't you.

Waiter		Very good, sir.

Hugh		Oh hell.

	(Stephen is a waiter. He goes to a table where a man 
	sits alone)

Stephen		Good evening, sir.

Man		Good evening. I'd like to order some soup to start.

Stephen		Wait a minute, good Lord, you're Keith Bennett
		aren't you? The government minister?

Man		Well, as a matter of fact I am.

Stephen		I thought so, I knew it. Oh Mr Bennett, this is
		wonderful. I have to say I'm a great admirer of you
		and your policies.

Man		Really?

Stephen		Definitely. Can I recommend the halibut by the
		way. It comes with a nice black butter sauce.

Man		Thank you.

Stephen		You steered that broadcasting bill through the
		House of Commons didn't you?

Man		I did indeed.

Stephen		Brilliant, quite brilliant.

Man		Well I must say this is really most gratifying. So
		you really do admire my politics?

Stephen		Yes well, most people don't like you then?

Man		Well, you know how it is, we aren't always the
		most popular of people, we politicians.

Stephen		Yes, you must get used to people calling you a
		complete dickhead I suppose.

Man		No, not exactly.

Stephen		That speech you made about deregulating
		broadcasting ... oh, I cheered for you that night.
		We must strive to offer the consumer a far greater
		range of choice, for too long broadcasting has been
		in the grip of a small elite. We must expand and
		offer more choice.

Man		Good heavens, you've remembered it word
		for word.

Stephen		Well, it was masterly stuff ... oh my God, your
		cutlery ... a silver knife and fork, I can't believe
		it. (Removes cutlery)

Man		Those are rather nice. They're not dirty are they?

Stephen		That this should happen to you of all people. I'm
		so sorry, I'll be right back.

Man		But they were fine ...

	(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)

Girl 1		Of course, Moulinex. All the way through I was
		trying to think where I'd seen that actress before.
		She's the one in the Moulinex advert.

Stephen		Oh that's right, the one about the blender.

Hugh		What, the wife?

Girl 1		Sorry?

Hugh		The actress who plays the wife? She's in some
		sort of advert at the moment, is she? Hello! Laura,
		wake up! The actress in the play who was playing
		the wife that we just saw tonight - you're saying
		she's in an advert at the moment?

Girl 1		The wife ...

Stephen		Actually she was playing his daughter.

Hugh		Hold on, I'm probably getting her confused with
		someone, wait a minute ... (Looks at programme)

Girl 2		There was only one woman in the play, Stuart.

Girl 1		And she was his daughter, Poppet.

Stephen		That was sort of the idea of the entire evening.

Hugh		Yes, daughter. What did I say?

Stephen		You said wife.

Hugh		Did I? This table is definitely smaller you know
		... I mean all those other ones ...

Stephen		Look, that man over there, he's in the government.
		Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?

Girl 1		Keith Bennett.

Hugh		Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon.

	(Stephen as waiter)

Stephen		I do apologise.

Man		Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine.

Stephen		Oh it's very kind of you, sir, but I absolutely
		insist ...

	(Pours bag of plastic coffee stirrers into man's lap)

Man		What's this?

Stephen		Your cutlery, sir.

Man		But these are plastic coffee stirrers.

Stephen		Yes I know, but at least you've got the choice now.
		I mean they may be complete crap but you've got
		the choice ... that's what's important, the choice
		... (Starting to shout and strangle man)

	(Cut back to Gordon and Stuart)

Girl 2		That politician man's being strangled by a waiter.

Hugh		At least he's got a decent size table.

Stephen		Anyway to return to the play I have to say that
		although the acting was really good ...

Girl 1		Marvellous acting.

Stephen		I do think the play would've benefitted from having
		a Paul Eddington in it.

Girl 2		A Paul Eddington?

Stephen		Well ideally, the Paul Eddington.

Girl 1		Isn't he wonderful?

Hugh		Well you see the thing about Paul Eddington of
		course is his timing.

Stephen		His timing is just so ...

Hugh		Well it's the timing of a master.

Stephen		A friend of mine's sister married Paul Eddington's
		doctor.

Hugh		You never told me that, Gordon.

Stephen		Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast.
		Apparently it's well known that Paul Eddington has
		the second best timing in the business, after Nigel
		Havers.

Girl 2		What is timing, exactly?

Hugh		Well, it's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,
		but timing is basically the magic ingredient that
		Paul Eddington's got.

	(Paul Eddington comes in)

Girl 1		What is it?

Paul Eddington	Yes, I'd like to know that too, I must say.

Stephen		I know your doctor's brother-in-law.

Paul Eddington	How nice.

Hugh		We were just explaining to our wives that you've
		got about the best timing in showbusiness.

Paul Eddington	After Nigel Havers.

Hugh		Level with us, Paul, would you class your timing as
		good, very good, extremely good or immaculate?

Paul		Well ...

	(Cut back to Hugh as the character with the bomb)

Hugh		Hello, look, excuse me everyone, sorry to bother
		you and all that sort of filth ... nearly forgot,
		long live freedom ... the thing is there's a bomb
		... yes I know, rotten isn't it ... the thing is it is 
		about to go off so you might like to leave.

	(Everyone runs out)

		That's right, this way. Crikey, my bill!

	(Bomb explodes)

	Cut to Where Eagles Dare.

Stephen		It was just so funny. It was just
		so bloody funny. I literally died.
		It was bloody brilliant actually.
		No seriously, it was really funny,
		actually.