Duel

	Hugh and Stephen in period dress on a misty heath,
	about to duel. There is a referee, and possibly some seconds.


Referee		Gentlemen, I believe you both know the purpose
		of this meeting.

Stephen		Thank you Mr Tollerby, but we have no need of
		explanation. The circumstances are well known to us.

Hugh		Quite right. Let us be about the business.

Referee		Very well, gentlemen. Sir David, I understand
		the choice is yours - sword or pistol?

Hugh		Sword.

Referee		As you wish.

	Hugh takes the sword and swishes it expertly.

Hugh		Ha. The only weapon for a gentleman.

Referee		Quite so. That means, Mr Van Hoyle, that you
		have the pistol.

Stephen		Thank you, Tollerby.

Referee		When I give the command, I shall expect ...

Hugh		Wait a minute.

Referee		Is there something wrong, Sir David?

Hugh		Well ...

Stephen		Quick man, the hour grows late ...

Hugh		Well it's just that when you said sword or pistol, I
		sort of assumed that we would both have the same
		one, if you know what I mean ...

Referee		Ah.

Stephen		I'm not with you.

Hugh		Well I said sword, assuming that meant we would
		both have a sword ...

Stephen		Oh I see.

Referee		Mmm. Thing is, I've only brought one of each,
		unfortunately.

Stephen		Oh damn and blast.

Hugh		Sorry to make a fuss, but it seems a bit unfair
		otherwise.

Referee		No, I take your point, Sir David.

Stephen		Well is there somewhere we could get a sword?

Hugh		I doubt there'd be anything open at this time
		... Excuse me!

	Hugh dashes off and stops a pair of joggers in dayglo strip.

		You wouldn't happen to have a sword on you,
		would you?

Jogger		(Not stopping) Twenty past seven.

Hugh		Damn.

Stephen		Well ... we're a bit stuck, really, aren't we?

Referee		Gentlemen, I realise that this is a bit of an
		improvisation, but needs must when the devil ...

Stephen		Get on with it.

Referee		Right, how would it be if Mr Van Hoyle were
		to take the pistol but promise not to fire it?

Hugh		You mean, use the pistol as if it were a sword?

Referee		Exactly.

Hugh		Well, suits me.

Stephen		Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's hopeless.
		Wouldn't cut anything, look.

	Stephen prods referee with the pistol.

		See?

Hugh		Perhaps you're right.

Referee		Well it was just an idea.

Stephen		You could try shooting with your ... no, that
		won't work. Forget I spoke.

Hugh		Mm. How about fists?

Referee		You mean boxing?

Stephen		Oh Lord no. I'm no good at that at all. It hurts
		your knuckles.

Hugh		Well, I can't think of anything else ... hang on
		I've got some matches here I think.

Stephen		What, you mean set fire to each other?

Hugh		Better than nothing. Oh no, actually look, there's
		only one match left in fact.

Stephen		We could nip across to that cafe and see if they
		have any forks ...

Referee		Gentlemen, if you'll bear with me - I have one
		last idea up my sleeve.

Stephen		Well?

	Referee reaches up his sleeve and pulls out a handkerchief.

Hugh		A handkerchief?

Referee		No, Sir David. Two handkerchiefs.

Stephen		You're suggesting that we duel to the death with
		a pair of handkerchiefs?

Referee		I realise it's not ideal, Mr Van Hoyle, but it
		would at least be fair ...

Stephen		It would take for ever. I've got to be in town by eight.

Hugh		Well we haven't got anything else.

	Stephen sighs.

Stephen		Oh all right then. Better be clean, that's all.

Referee		Perfectly clean, I assure you.

	They each take a handkerchief.

		Gentlemen, I believe you both know the purpose
		of this meeting?

	Stephen and Hugh start hitting each other with 
	handkerchiefs.

Stephen		You see it's a slippery slope. It
		starts by reading the Daily Mail.
		Within a few weeks that's it. You're
		a witless, heartless lump of shit.