Petrol Attendants

	Stephen and Hugh are dressed as estate agents, but 
	are working behind the counter of a petrol station.


Hugh		... pity you couldn't make it down to that club
		the other night.

Stephen		Down to Shaggers?

Hugh		Yeah. Cracking club, that. The crumpet there
		is first rate. I mean really excellent. Absolutely
		excellent.

Stephen		I heard that. I had heard that the crumpet was
		top drawer stuff.

Hugh		Oh it's excellent. Excellent.

Stephen		You're a what, gold member there?

Hugh		At Shaggers? Platinum member.

Stephen		Right, 'cos I just got given membership at Screwers.

Hugh		Really? Platinum?

Stephen		Diamond, with strontium edging.

Hugh		Oh that's excellent.

	Rebecca enters 

Rebecca		Excuse me, I'm trying to get some petrol out
		of pump number four.

Hugh		Yup?

Rebecca		Well it doesn't seem to work, can you ...
		wait a minute. Don't I know you two from
		somewhere?

Hugh		Don't believe I've had the pleasure, no. Have
		you had the pleasure, Simon?

Stephen		Don't believe I have had the pleasure of having
		the pleasure, Nick, no.

Rebecca		Didn't you used to be estate agents?

Hugh		Er ...

Rebecca		You did! You were estate agents at ... where
		was it? Wilson and Routledge.

Hugh		Er, we did at one point dabble in the property
		game, yeah.

Stephen		And it is a game, isn't it?

Hugh		Oh hell yes, it's just a game. Stakes are high of
		course, not everyone can take it, but it's a game
		nonetheless.

Rebecca		And now you're running a petrol station?

Stephen		Now we're in the petrol game, yeah.

Hugh		And it is a game.

Stephen		Oh yeah.

Rebecca		Well do you mind moving into the switching on
		pump number four game, because I'm in a bit of a
		hurry.

Hugh		Yes, can I ask first of all how much you were
		thinking of spending?

Rebecca		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		M'colleague is trying to get an idea of your price
		bracket.

Rebecca		Look, I just want some petrol out of pump number
		four.

Hugh		That would be Super Plus?

Rebecca		Yes.

Hugh		Simon?

Stephen		Nick?

Hugh		Details on the Super Plus? Lady's in a bit of a
		hurry. (To Rebecca) M'colleague won't keep you a
		moment.

Rebecca		Details ... ?

Stephen		(Reaching into a filing cabinet) Super Plus, Super
		Plus. There we go. "A fine, well-produced petrol
		in an increasingly sought after octane range, ideal
		for the professional person."

Rebecca		Yes, yes, can I have some please?

Hugh		Simon, do we have the keys to pump number four?

Stephen		(Looking at a board behind the counter) I believe
		they're out at the moment, Nick. There's been
		quite a lot of interest in the Super Plus, as it
		happens.

Hugh		Oh a great deal of interest. We've had several
		motorists in here this afternoon, offering cash
		deals.

Rebecca		Well look, I'm offering a cash deal. I want ten
		pounds worth of petrol.

	She puts a tenner on the counter.

Hugh		Yowzer. Looks like the lady means business.

Stephen		Surely does and then some.

Hugh		So ten pounds of Super Plus would be what,
		Simon ... ?

Stephen		I'm on the case. (Taps away the till) That
		would buy you ... about two pints.

Rebecca		Two pints?

Hugh		Forty pounds a gallon, Simon, am I right?

Stephen		Right as ever you be, Nick.

Rebecca		Forty pounds for a gallon of petrol?

Hugh		For a gallon of Super Plus.

Stephen		It's a top drawer petrol, that, no question.

Hugh		Oh it's excellent. Absolutely excellent.

Rebecca		But ...

Stephen		Tell you what. D'you mind, Nick?

Hugh		Carry on ahead.

Stephen		Lady's obviously keen ...

Hugh		I read the lady as keen myself, Simon.

Stephen		What we might be able to do is ring Mobil and
		ask whether they'd take an offer.

Rebecca		What are you talking about?

Hugh		Tscch. Very unlikely, Simon.

Stephen		I'm not saying it'll work, Nick, I'm saying give it a try.

Hugh		K.

	Stephen dials a number.

		So, what does yourself do in the evenings, I'm
		wonderings?

Stephen		Good question there from m'colleague. Does
		yourself ever get down to Shaggers in the Kings
		Parade?

Hugh		Or Screwers in Horley Street?

Rebecca		I'm afraid not.

Hugh		That's a shame. Excellent clubs. Absolutely excellent.

Stephen		(Into phone) Hi, Mrs Mobil? Simon Pointless here.
		About that Super Plus ... yeah, well I have a
		lady here who says she's interested, but wondered
		whether you'd be at all flexible on price? Sure I'll
		hold. She's gone to check with Mr Mobil.

Hugh		Presumably you're hoping for a more attractive price?

Stephen		Well I'm going to try for a sensible price.

Hugh		Good move. Try for a sensible price first, then
		an attractive price later.

Rebecca		I wouldn't mind if it was cheaper.

Hugh		Cheaper. Long time since I've heard that one.
		What's "cheaper" in new money?

Stephen		Beautifully priced.

Hugh		That's it. Let's see what old Simon can do.

Stephen		(Into phone) Still here, Mrs Mobil. Lady's looking
		for a beautifully priced package. Can do. (To Rebecca)
		Mrs Mobil is anxious to dispose of the property and
		feels she can let it go for 195 a gallon, immediate
		sale.

Rebecca		Fine.

Stephen		That's fine Mrs Mobil, we'll get back to you.

Rebecca		Can we get on with it?

Stephen		We're expecting the keys back in a couple of days,
		so how about we fix up an appointment towards the
		end of the week?

Hugh		Friday at 11?

Stephen		Ah, I'm showing some first-time drivers round
		pump number four at eleven on Friday ...

Hugh		Some time early next week then?

Rebecca		Twenty five thousand estate agents who were safely
		confined in offices only a year ago have been forced
		by the property slump out into the community. It's
		a dreadful situation. But you can do something to
		help. Five pounds will help towards buying an assault rifle
		or handgun. Even 50p will buy enough ammunition
		to deal with a team like Nick and Simon. Please. Give
		generously. In the meantime, I'm going to have to
		decide which of these two to shoot first. Goodbye.

	Points gun at Hugh & Stephen.

Hugh		Bye.

Stephen		Bye.

Hugh		No, I don't have any children.
		At least, not that I know of ...
		hahahahaha. Because I've never
		been to bed with anybody.