My Ass

	Stephen is seated at a large desk in American military 
	uniform, smoking a huge cigar: a Stars and Stripes 
	flag hangs behind him.


Stephen		Jacobson! Get your ass in here right now!

	Hugh enters, also in uniform, carrying a holdall.

Hugh		Sir!

Stephen		Jacobson, what the hell am I going to do with
		your ass?

Hugh		My ass, sir?

Stephen		Can you think of one goddamn reason why I
		shouldn't kick your ass all the way back to New
		Mexico?

Hugh		Well, sir if this concerns ...

Stephen		You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson.
		It concerns your ass! What does it concern?

Hugh		My ass, sir.

Stephen		Do you recall what it was I said to you the
		last time you were in here?

Hugh		Well sir. You told me to move my ass, and haul my
		ass, and not to sit on my ass, because if I did, you
		would personally rearrange my ass.

Stephen		Uh uh. Wrong, Mr Jacobson. I was not going to
		rearrange your ass - I was going to boil your ass
		in a bag, and have your ass for breakfast.

Hugh		That's it, sir. Have my ass for breakfast.

Stephen		Read that sign, Jacobson.

	Hugh looks at a sign on Stephen's desk.

Hugh		"The buck stops at my ass."

Stephen		See, that's why I have this star Jacobson. Because
		my ass is on the line.

Hugh		The bottom line ... ?

Stephen		The bottom line.

Hugh		I understand.

Stephen		Well, I am glad you got your ass straight on that
		one. Now Jacobson, I've got myself a problem.

Hugh		A problem, sir?

Stephen		Yup. Seems that some goddamn college boy on
		the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass ...

Hugh		Your ass, sir?

Stephen		You bet your ass, my ass. If I could just get
		my hands on this guy's ass, his ass is history.

Hugh		Whose ass would that be sir?

Stephen		The guy who's got his ass in my face, Jacobson.

Hugh		Sir?

Stephen		Yes, Jacobson?

Hugh		How does my ass fit into all of this?

Stephen		It's very simple, Jacobson. You are aware that
		your ass is mine?

Hugh		It is sir?

Stephen		Oh yes, your ass is mine, mister. The day you
		joined the army, you signed your ass over to me.

Hugh		I get it, sir.

Stephen		Oh you do, do you?

Hugh		This guy wants a piece of your ass, so you're
		thinking that, being as my ass is yours, maybe you
		could give him a piece of my ass as a way of saving
		your ass.

Stephen		Shut your ass, Jacobson. Nobody likes a smart
		Alec. Now boy ...

Hugh		Sir?

Stephen		Got your ass with you?

Hugh		Yes sir.

	Hugh plops the bag on the desk. Stephen looks into the bag.

Hugh		With respect, sir, don't jerk my ass around.

Stephen		Mm. Nice piece of ass.

Hugh		(Holding a lead) There's a lot
		of crap talked about pit bull
		terriers, really. They're great dogs.
		Absolutely great dogs. The pit bull
		terrier. You see Tyson here, he
		wouldn't hurt anyone unless ...
		arrggh!