Marmalade

	Stephen and Hugh are sitting at either end of a 
	long table, having breakfast. Hugh is a woman, Stephen 
	isn't.


Hugh		Could you pass the marmalade, darling?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		The marmalade, could you pass it?

Stephen		You want me to arse the parlourmaid?

Hugh		No darling, there's a pot of marmalade at your
		elbow, I want you to pass it.

Stephen		A potty marinade in my dildo, have you gone mad?

Hugh		Darling I want you to pass the marmalade.

Stephen		(Amazed) You want me to fart the hit parade?

Hugh		Pass the marmalade.

Stephen		Smile at Roy Hattersley? You want me to smile
		at Roy Hattersley?

Hugh		That doesn't sound anything like "pass the
		marmalade".

Stephen		Roy Hattersley hasn't found anyone to pass the
		marmalade? You're babbling, woman.

Hugh		No dear. I want you to pass the marmalade.

Stephen		Roy Hattersley wants me to pass the marmalade?

Hugh		No, I do darling.

Stephen		An eiderdown? I'm not going to pass Roy Hattersley
		an eiderdown.

Hugh		If you'll just listen.

Stephen		He can get his own damned eiderdown like
		everyone else.

Hugh		The marmalade dear, can you pass it?

Stephen		Expecting people to pass him eiderdown as if he
		was someone special. No one's ever passed me an
		eiderdown.

Hugh		Will you pass the marmalade?

Stephen		No I will not go to bed with Geoffrey Howe. Not
		at any price. I think you must be off your head.

	Hugh gets up, walks down the table and picks up 
	the marmalade.

	Stephen buries his head in the paper.

Stephen		The Substantial Tide's Indebt smell by more
		quoits?

Hugh		No dear, the Financial Times Index fell by four points.

Stephen		Oh. Pass the marmalade will you?

Hugh		(As policeman) We're slow but steady. 
		You know, we get there in the end. 
		(Stopping a passer-by) Excuse me 
		madam. Does the name Jack the 
		Ripper mean anything to you?