The New Cause

	A garden shed: Hugh is in a cardigan trying to 
	mend a lawnmower. Stephen appears in abrupt sort of 
	blazer and stands behind him. Eventually Hugh notices 
	him and jumps.


Hugh		Good heavens Jack, you gave me such a fright.
		Good Lord. There I was trying to mend the old
		lawnmower, bloody old thing, well of course it's not
		old, it's quite a new lawnmower.

Stephen		Hello Neddy.

Hugh		Well hello, Jack. Sorry. I was wittering rather just
		now. It's just that, well, you know ... lawnmower's
		bust, and ... How are you Jack?

Stephen		Well, thank you Neddy.

Hugh		Well? Oh that is good news. That's quite made my
		day. There I was thinking that the world was a
		pretty bloody sort of a place, where you can pay good
		money for a lawnmower that doesn't even work ...
		but then you tell me that you're well, and suddenly
		things seem to be not so bad after all. Sort of puts
		everything into perspective ...

Stephen		Neddy?

Hugh		Jack.

Stephen		I've a question for you.

Hugh		Oh good.

Stephen		I'd be grateful if you could furnish me with an
		honest answer.

Hugh		Furnish you, Jack? 'Course I'll furnish you. You
		ask away, and leave the furnishing to me.

Stephen		Good.

	Stephen has picked up a Stanley knife. He works 
	the blade in and out.

Hugh		Ha. Clever little toy that, isn't it. Stanley knife. It's
		a sort of knife made by a feller called Stanley. First
		name or second name, I'm not sure. I could find
		out for you, Jack, if you're interested. Make some
		inquiries, as it were ...

Stephen		Ingenious.

Hugh		D'you like it, Jack? Well for heaven's sake you
		keep it, old sport. Present from me.

Stephen		That's very kind of you Neddy.

	Stephen puts the knife into his pocket.

Hugh		Not at all, Jack. Plenty more where that came from.

Stephen		Neddy ...

Hugh		Still here, Jack.

Stephen		How would you like to be Prime Minister?

Hugh		Ha.

Stephen		Well?

Hugh		Sort of a trick question, is it Jack?

Stephen		Not at all.

Hugh		Not at all. I see. How would I like to be Prime
		Minister? Hm. Fancy a cup of tea, Jack?

Stephen		When you've furnished me with an answer, Neddy,
		a cup of tea would be most agreeable, thank you.

Hugh		Prime Minister. Lord. Well, I suppose it would be
		rather fun to be Prime Minister, Jack, yes. Riding
		around in big motor cars. Policemen saluting you,
		and all that. Yes, I expect it would be very interesting
		work.

Stephen		You'd like to be Prime Minister?

Hugh		Well, yes, Jack. I expect there are worse jobs
		hahahahaha.

Stephen		What about your wife?

Hugh		Oh. I wouldn't like to be my wife, Jack, no.
		I mean ...

Stephen		How would your wife take to your being Prime
		Minister?

Hugh		Oh I see. Er, well. I'll pop in and ask her, if
		you like. Won't be a sec.

Stephen		I want your opinion, Neddy. As you know, I
		represent a group of people.

Hugh		Yes, I know that, Jack. Yes, jolly fine people
		too, I've no doubt.

Stephen		People who are, shall we say, concerned about
		the direction in which this country is headed.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		We feel, as a group of concerned people, that the
		current Prime Minister won't do.

Hugh		Won't do.

Stephen		Won't do.

Hugh		Won't do what, Jack?

Stephen		Won't do, Neddy.

Hugh		Oh I get you.

Stephen		Do you?

Hugh		No.

Stephen		We feel that a change is needed, if disaster is to
		be averted, and we would like you to be the next
		Prime Minister.

Hugh		Crikey.

Stephen		Will you do it, Neddy? For England?

Hugh		Jack. Jack, old sport. Let me say first of all,
		that I really am deeply touched by the offer.
		Deeply touched. Thing is ... Jack, can I tell you
		something?

Stephen		By all means, Neddy.

Hugh		Jack, when I was at school, I used to play cricket for
		the third eleven. No bloody good, of course, went in
		number eight. I was number seven once, when Proby
		had his appendix out, but otherwise well down the
		order ...

Stephen		Is this relevant, Neddy?

Hugh		Well I think so, Jack, yes. You see, there was this one
		match, we played them every year, a match against
		Trenton House. Bit of a needle match, to be honest,
		Jack, you know what boys are like. Well anyway, this
		one year, they turned up without an umpire, and the
		captain told me to get out there and call the shots as
		it were. And the thing is, Jack ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		I couldn't do it.

Stephen		What do you mean couldn't do it?

Hugh		I mean I just couldn't do it. Responsibility, you see,
		Jack. I couldn't cope with the decisions. "Howzat"
		they would scream in my face, and I just went into
		a sort of dreadful funk ... gave one chap out before
		he'd even left the pavillion. What I'm saying, Jack, is
		that I'm a follower, if you know what I mean. Not
		a leader.

Stephen		Precisely, Neddy.

Hugh		Precisely, yes, Jack.

Stephen		You are precisely the man we need.

Hugh		Oh lor.

Stephen		Well, Neddy? Will you do it?

Hugh		Will I do it? Good heavens, Jack, of course I'll
		do it. Yes. Anything for my old pal Jack. I just ...

Stephen		Excellent. Congratulations Neddy. The country is
		in safe hands, I know it.

Hugh		Oh good. Right, so I'll start being Prime Min-
		ister ...

Stephen		Whenever you're ready, Neddy.

Hugh		Ready, Neddy, very good. Ha. One thing?

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		All right with you if I just get this lawnmower
		up and running before I start? Won't take a moment.

	Cut to Neddy PM

Stephen		Secret vices? I don't know. Rather
		too fond of chocolate Hob Nobs.
		My wife tells me I overdo the
		heroin. Otherwise, not really.