Devil's Music

	Gary Davies introduces "The Bishop & The Warlord".

Gary		Woo! Get seriously down to that. Well now it's time to
		crank it up and tune it in, with some back to back
		fat beat, and have ourselves a rocking good time and
		no messing with the Bishop and the Warlord! Give me
		at least five!

	"The Bishop & The Warlord"

	"The Bishop & The Warlord" in performance. Stephen 
	is dressed as a bishop, but with one leather cut-off glove.
	Hugh is fairly standard heavy metallurgist. Long hair,
	leather waistcoat, chain etc. Stephen sings from a pulpit,
	Hugh accompanies.

		My baby turns some heads
		When she walks in through the door
		She's got ruby red lips
		And legs down to the floor
		She walks just like a wildcat
		And she sings just like a dream
		She's the greatest thing
		That you've ever seen
		Yes I need the heat of your loving, baby
		You've got to burn with your desire
		Start smoking at the edges
		Set yourself on fire
		You're mine mine mine mine mine
		My baby is mine

	Courtroom Scene

	A TV monitor showing the last few bars of the song 
	as played on Top of the Pops. Pull out to see that we 
	are in an American courtroom. Stephen is in the dock,
	as the bishop. Hugh is the prosecuting attorney. Clerks,
	stenographer etc. scattered around. Seated next to Hugh 
	is a woman covered in bandages. Hugh switches off the 
	monitor and addresses the court.

Hugh		"Set yourself on fire". Four words, your honour.
		Four innocent words. Every bit as common in our
		language as "freedom" or "vitamin-enriched". But play
		those words backwards, and what do you have? "Erif
		no flesruoy tes". But that isn't enough. These people
		are smarter than that, because if you play "Erif no
		flesruoy tes" backwards, you have "Set yourself on
		fire". A clear, explicit and unambigualistical
		instruction to my client, which she obeyed, to pour
		a can of gasoline over herself, and set light to it,
		causing untold physical and mental traumatisation.

Judge		Let's get this straight, Mr Sanchez. Your client
		listened to the song ...

Hugh		"Grease My Gristle, Blow My Whistle".

Judge		Hm. Catchy title. And as a result, she set fire
		to herself?

Hugh		Precisely, your honour.

Judge		I see. And as a matter of interest, did she also grease
		her gristle and blow her whistle?

Hugh		She certainly did, your Honour, causing herself
		grievous internal bruisality. That case comes to
		trial next month.

Judge		I see. Any other cases pending?

Hugh		Yes, your Honour. We have a suit of seven hundred
		million dollars against the group Queen, who caused
		my client to suffer a broken jaw, by urging her to
		become "champion of the world".

Judge		In what?

Hugh		Light middleweight boxing. Four hundred mil-
		lion against Frankie Goes To Hollywood, for
		instructioning her to Relax And Not Do It.

Judge		Relax and not do what?

Hugh		Relax and not apply the brakes of her automobile
		at a T-junction. And finally, nine hundred million
		against Jason Donovan.

Judge		For what?

Hugh		We haven't decided yet, your Honour.

Judge		I see. Three billion dollars. That's a pretty
		substantial figure, Counsellor.

Hugh		Well, to be honest, my wife and I are hoping to buy
		a little place down South, for weekends, space for
		the kids, you know?

Judge		Really. What's it called?

Hugh		Paraguay.

Judge		That's nice. Now, do you have any witnesses?

Hugh		I call the defendant, the self-styled clergyman of
		cool, the Bishop of Attleboro.

	Stephen as the bishop takes the stand.

Judge		Take the book in your right hand and say after
		me. I have no objection ...

Stephen		I have no objection ...

Judge		... to this trial being televised ...

Stephen		... to this trial being televised ...

Judge		... and subsequently being made ...

Stephen		... and subsequently being made ...

Judge		... into a motion picture, book, or stage musical
		so help me God.

Stephen		... into a motion picture, book, or stage musical
		so help me God.

Hugh		What is your name, sir?

Stephen		My name is William ...

Hugh		Just answer the question yes or no, please. What
		is your name?

Stephen		Yes..

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		That is your real name?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		No is your real name?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		No is not your real name?

Defence		Objection your Honour. Counsel is badgering the
		witness.

Judge		Hmm. Are you badgering the witness, Mr Sanchez?

Hugh		Certainly not, your Honour.

Judge		Good.

Hugh		I am, possibly, weazelling the witness, and I certainly
		hope to squirrel him with my next question, but I am
		not badgering him.

Judge		Mr Sanchez you're dicking me around.

Hugh		No sir.

Judge		Good. Proceed.

Defence		But ...

Judge		Your objection is overstained, Counsellor.

Hugh		Now then, Mr Yes, you are the lead singer of the
		Heavy Metal band The Bishop And The Warlord?

Stephen		That is substantially correct.

Hugh		Substantially?

Stephen		Well of course, being a bishop, I also have a great
		deal of work to do within my own diocese, as well
		as attending the Council of Synod meetings, which
		means that I can only devote limited time to the
		band, but in essence you are correct.

Hugh		In essence I am correct, I see. And when you look
		upon the poor, wretched figure of my client now, Mr
		Yes, an innocent victim of your handiwork, how do
		you feel?

Defence		Your honour, I really must stand up and make
		some pretence of earning my fee.

Judge		Nice work, Counsellor.

Hugh		I say again, how do you feel?

Stephen		Well I'm most awfully sorry.

Hugh		Awfully sorry?

Stephen		Well it simply never crossed my mind that people
		could be told what to do so easily. I mean on my
		second album we wrote a song called "Bake Me A
		Love Souffle" ... if I thought that people would
		actually ...

	Hugh's client whispers to Hugh. Hugh produces a cake.

Hugh		One love souffle, baked by my client sadly not
		at any personal injury to herself.

Judge		Mr Yes, in the face of this evidence, I really
		have no choice but to find for the plaintiff. Have
		you anything to say before I name the figure?

Stephen		Well, perhaps just one thing, your honour ...

Judge		Yes?

Stephen		Perhaps I might put it this way. One two three ...

Hugh		Objection!

	Stephen starts to sing.

Stephen		Woman! (Crashing chords)
		Get out of my face!
		Woman!
		Woman drop your case.
		Don't press those charges
		Pay all my legal costs
		You know that this case
		Is as good as lost.

		Forget the whole thing ever happened
		And get yourself out of my life
		Woman woman woman
		Get out of my face.

	Pause: woman in bandages whispers to Hugh.

Hugh		Your honour, it appears my client no longer wishes to
		proceed with her claim against Mr Yes, she wishes to
		pay all legal costs, to drop the case, and (she whispers 
		again) she would also like permission to get out of
		his face.

Judge		Such permission is so engranted, Mr Sanchez.
		Case dismissulated. Now, what next.

Hugh		The state would like to call Mr Tony Inchpractice.