Charter

	Stephen addresses the camera.


Stephen		Yes. Quite funny. But only quite.

Hugh		(off) Thanks very much.

Stephen		But what can you do about it? Until recently, nothing. But
		ladies, and in a broader sense, gentlemen, m'colleague and I,
		concerned as ever with a relentless drive for higher standards,
		have decided to institute a Charter. A Charter that guarantees
		you the very highest standard of comic service.

	Hugh has joined Stephen.

Hugh		The Charter, or Charter, that we are proposing contains a raft
		of key points, a key basket of top proposals and a top key
		package of key top measures, to ensure that you, the viewer ...

Stephen		The customer ...

Hugh		The client ...

Stephen		The punter or puntress ...

Hugh		The John or Jane Doe ...

Stephen		The Fred or Frederica Bloggs ...

Hugh		The man ...

Stephen		Or ladygirl ...

Hugh		The man or ladygirl who would have been on the Clapham omnibus,
		but discovered after waiting for two hours that it's been
		cancelled and replaced by a bright yellow transit van that only
		runs at peak times ...

Stephen		... whenever the bleeding hell they are ...

Hugh		To ensure that you have the right, the muscle, the arse-
		widening power, to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Stephen		There are two main prongs ...

Hugh		By which we mean two main sticky-out bits at the end.

Stephen		There is quality and there is delivery.

Hugh		Any joke which fails to come up to the normally high, rigorous,
		ruthless standards you would expect of A Bit Of Fry & Laurie 
		can be reported to the Charter Commission where it will be
		inspected by a top team of key experts, who will then pass it
		on to a key team of top experts.

Stephen		If your complaint is upheld the joke will be humanely
		destroyed.

Hugh		Which brings us to our other sticky-out bit. Delivery.

Stephen		Prong two. Delivery. In a modern society, jokes must be
		delivered on time: if you experience any delivery where the
		timing is too ...

Hugh		... slow.

Stephen		Or if the ...

Hugh		(interrupting) Quick.

Stephen		... timing should be ...

Hugh		Or if the joke simply never even ...

	Pause.

Stephen		The Commision will be only too happy to look into it. The
		Comedy Charter: peace of mind. Audience power. Your guarantee
		of service and quality ... without dripping.

Hugh		Anyway. On with the ruthless subversion of family values.

Hugh		You know that Kevin Major? Well I'd have to say that he's one
		of the most consistently impressive, dignified, articulate and
		rousing speakers I've ever heard.

	Stephen's voice off.

Stephen		Thank you very much. And now could you give us an example of
		sarcasm?

Hugh		Well it's almost the same, isn't it?