Fan Club

	Stephen and Hugh address the nation.


Hugh		You know, we've had a whole armpitful of letters from a viewer
		recently, asking whether she can join the Fry & Laurie Fan
		Club, and I'm afraid, Giselle of Nuneaton, the answer is no,
		because there isn't one.

Stephen		Wasn't one.

Hugh		That's right. There also wasn't one, as well as there being an
		isn't one.

Stephen		What a magical weaver of words you are, Hugh.

Hugh		Cheers.

Stephen		What I mean is, there wasn't one, but there is one now.

Hugh		Hello?

Stephen		Or rather there are two.

Hugh		We've got one each? Shrewd. Very shrewd.

Stephen		No, our legs have got one each.

Hugh		Sorry?

Stephen		One club is called the Fry & Laurie Left Leg Club, and the
		other is called ...

Hugh		Don't tell me ... no, actually you'd better tell me.

Stephen		They Fry & Laurie Right Leg Club. For the frighteningly
		reasonable sum of £450 a month, you will be entitled to a
		yearly newsletter, containing articles, profiles, photographs,
		competitions, crosswords, and in-depth interviews with our
		right legs.

Hugh		What extraordinarily good value this offer seems to represent.
		And does membership of the Right Leg Club give you automatic
		membership of the Left Leg Club?

Stephen		Sadly no, Hugh. We may be generous, but we're not nice.

Hugh		Gotcha.

Stephen		Membership of the Left Leg Club however is slightly cheaper, at
		£390 a month.

Hugh		Now why would that be, I wonder?

Stephen		I don't know. Marketing boys came up with it.

Hugh		Interesting. Couldn't we get any grown-ups to do our marketing?

Stephen		But if you join both clubs at once, you will be entitled to
		this T-shirt ...

	Stephen holds up a plain white T-shirt.

		... with our famous catchphrase on it. We will also send you a
		fully automatic Frank Windsor as part of this once-in-a-
		lifetime introductory offer.

	Picture of Frank Windsor flashes up on the screen.

		Anyway, that's enough merchandising news. Until the same time
		next week, eat plenty of hot meals and take heaps of exercise.

Hugh		Oh and ...

Stephen		Shut up.

Stephen		I get this terrible reaction, when I eat chocolate. I get awful
		rashes all over my body, and this odd, greeny-blue pus starts
		to leak out from my armpits, revolting smell, and I get these
		terrible pains up and down my legs, I sometimes just scream for
		hours with the agony of it, and then my liver fails altogether
		and I usually have to be rushed into casualty and have a drip
		put in my arm, and all the time I've got these headaches that
		make me think my brain is going to explode, and I'm covered in
		pus, my liver gone, legs burning pain and I say to myself, I
		couldn't half murder a Twix.