Karaoke

	Stephen and Hugh are in a sort of limbo area, wearing stupid wigs.


Stephen		Hello. On the show tonight, I'm joined by a complex network of
		muscle tissue and tendons, controlled by my central nervous
		system. But I'm lucky enough to have as a guest Mr Philip
		Follip, who I believe has a remarkable invention. Hello,
		Philip.

Hugh		Hello, Riversdale.

Stephen		Alan.

Hugh		Oh. I'm sorry.

Stephen		I know it's spelt Riversdale, but it's actually pronounced
		"Alan".

Hugh		Alan it is then.

Stephen		Tell us about your invention, Philip, taking care not to be
		dull for a single moment.

Hugh		Well, basically, I looked at the karaoke machine, that's been
		such a popular hit over the last few years, and thought to
		myself how could I improve on it.

Stephen		Conclusions, Philip? You must have reached some, surely?

Hugh		Well, I thought the trouble with the karaoke machine is that it
		only allows you to sing along with it.

Stephen		Right, and you thought "Hello, there's a window of opportunity,
		let's heave a brick through it." Am I warm?

Hugh		Warm enough.

Stephen		That's all I ask.

Hugh		So I thought, what about a machine that would not only allow
		you to sing along with it, but would allow you to play along
		with it as well?

Stephen		I'm beginning to see how your mind works.

Hugh		And I came up with this.

	Holds up a little black box with a button on it.

Stephen		I don't know if our cameras can see that ... If they can't, I
		suggest we take them back to the shop and get a fucking refund.

Hugh		If I just press this button here, then what happens is this ...

	He presses the button and there is silence.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Complete silence.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Which now allows me and my orchestra to play and sing along.
		One, two, three, four ...

	Cut wide to see full band: Hugh sings.

Hugh		Course, it's well known that Shakespeare didn't really exist.
		And that if he did, he was lots of people. And they were all
		women, and that all his plays were written by Alan Bleasdale.
		And that Shakespeare shot Kennedy, and that Lee Harvey Oswald
		was nothing but a pansy. They don't put that on Newsnight,
		though, do they?