Honda

	Hugh is in the studio.


Hugh		Bit of a surprise piece of news here. We don't normally carry
		news stories, but this one does seem fairly major, and it would
		be silly to ignore it. According to a Reuters news flash, the
		British Government has apparently just been bought by Honda.
		The deal went through in the early hours of this morning, and
		has just been announced by Honda's Group Managing Director,
		Ralph Tokana. According to Reuters, Honda fought off rival bids
		from Unilever and the John Lewis Group, and is believed to have
		paid upwards of four hundred million for the troubled democracy
		giant. I think we have some footage here ...

	Cut to Stephen emerging from a Whitehall building. Cameras and flash 
	bulbs. Hugh in voice-over.

		... of ... yes, that's Nigel Pargitter, no relation, Deputy
		Director of the Board of Trade ...

Stephen		... we believe, very firmly, that this was a fair price, and
		that the British taxpayer has got a good deal here. Honda ...
		may I just finish here? Honda have given us satisfactory
		undertakings to the effect that they will not be making any
		massive changes to the structure of government for at least six
		months, and that their only social alterations will involve
		converting Wales into a seven-million-hole golf course, and
		replacing all the houses and flats in Britain with perspex
		living-pods.

Stephen M.	Have you tried ...?

Stephen		Yes, I've tried one of these pods myself, and it was very ...

Phyllida	What about unemployment?

Stephen		Oh what about unemployment? You people, you're obsessed ...
		every time some change comes along, some new idea that might
		really do this country a bit of good, it's the same old "What
		about unemployment?" I mean, change the bleeding record, can't
		you? Yes, there will be some unemployment. Honda have pointed
		out that we really don't need 620 people in the House of
		Commons, for instance. They will be investing in a new, laser-
		guided legislative machine ...

Stephen M.	So there will be no elected body?

Stephen		Oh come on! Just rejoice, can't you? It's a compliment: it
		shows that this government, as we've always claimed, is an
		attractive proposition to our customers. This is a good deal
		for Britain, a good deal ...

	Cut back to the studio.

Hugh		Well, I think I ought to say at this point, that that was all
		made up. Honda haven't really bought the British Government.
		It's a completely silly idea.

	He gets up and runs over to a camera and looms into the lens.

		Or is it?

Hugh		I said to the Captain, I said you want to watch out for those
		icebergs, because a lot of them are a lot bigger under the
		water than they look on top of the water, but no, he just had
		to plough on, showing off to all the women, so then, obviously,
		wallop. Big hole in the side, went down in under ten minutes.
		Egg on his face, I say.