All for me
Ahhhhh, what the hell happened? I just went psycho on Oz moving out??
Ok…Ummmm, right that's normal.
But like hell he was gonna move in with Devon. Ok so technically
it wasn't my decision. He's a free thinking person but I'm so bloody sick
as all hell of guys making decision about things that go on in *my* life
without my ok.
Not that he needs my permission but it seemed to me that he was just
looking for a way to get away from living with me. Am I that horrible a
person?? A girl?? Ok so I have issues with people and my food, but only
once I've made it. If it's in the fridge not being eaten, go for it.
Back to living with Devon. Ok, I don't suppose I really have the
right to stop him, do I? But..but.. It's so nice to have someone non-vampire-y
in the house with me. And he's Oz, so nice cuddly looking, not that we've
cuddled, but if I were to cuddle with someone it would be him.
Cuddling…Oz…*sigh* If only you, and goddess forbid *he* knew how
often I’d actually thought of this back when it was wrong to even consider
it. When Willow was still pining and I was keeping the longest, worst secret
from her. The fact that while Oz hadn’t called her, I had talked to him,
and respected his wanting me not to tell her that he was calling even though
just knowing he was ok could have soothed her. Or that eventually I started
calling him. By then, she was in her new *better* relationship, but still…Knowing
her the way I do, she would have been devastated, even though she shouldn’t
be. That’s Willow for you.
Sometimes I wonder how the hell I manage to write in here. My thought
process doesn’t seem to lend itself to a good read but more so, I’m always
thinking and tangenting in different directions. Not that I expect anyone
to read this, because chances are I’ll never have the guts to let someone
read my inner most thoughts and feelings. Sure, Giles insisted I write
a journal back when I was officially a slayer but since I’ve gone AWOL
from their orders he hasn’t requested any readings. And even back then,
I kept most of my thoughts to myself. How could I let a future slayer know
how screwed up I actually was? The whole being love with a vampire, albeit
with a soul…Nah. They’re way better off not knowing.
Oz, did I explain why I couldn’t let him leave?? My vague reasons
yes, the whole abandonment thing and all that I have issues with. Not that
you really want to hear it, but being paper leaves you little choice, which
is good for me.
Oz…Willow. Think that’s the huge problem with me, I can’t think about
Oz without feeling a little guilty about Willow and my secrets that I kept
from her about him and I, not that there was anything going on or anything,
cause there wasn’t. Did you know that when they were together, and they
would leave the immediate space that I was in, I would sigh in envy? I
did. I couldn’t help it. I mean, here I was, all alone and my best
friend had the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Sure, he had the
whole werewolf thing 3 days a month but all woman turn into animals for
almost a week, so 3 days seemed paltry in comparison. And when Will &
Xander couldn’t stop the smoochies between them, even though I had no idea
it was going on I knew he was getting the raw end of the deal and that
somehow, unconsciously, he knew it.
With Veruca, on the other hand, I was terribly disappointed. Yep,
with him, in him, all of the above. I couldn't quite explain it at the
time, I don't know if I can even now. It was almost as if he had cheated
on me. Something I could understand, as opposed to cheating on Willow,
which I couldn't comprehend. She was so…perfect? Not in reality, just in
my mindset. Believe me, though I've clearly rectified that image of her.
Not that I don't like her, but perfect?? Not even close.
And now Oz is back, Willow's out of the picture, and I like Oz. A
lot.
Um, I think I need to stop writing now due to realizations going
on in my brain…Liking Oz. It's wrong, right?
Hmmmm.
~~~
"So your telling me there's no evil on the horizon?" Buffy asked her
former watcher.
"That would about sum it up. You should have a relaxing week or two
as far as I can tell."
"But…but…I wanted some evil." The slayer whined, her lips forming a
deliciously cute pout in Oz's humble opinion.
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you'll have to deal with it and
do normal things like any other person for now." Giles rolled his eyes
as he closed the book in front of him.
"Fine." She muttered. Her eyes narrowed then widened. "But hey, it's
almost a full moon. I can watch Oz when…"
"I don't need to be watched." Oz stated flatly.
"Yeah ok, in tune with wolfy but still we can never be too careful…"
Buffy said hopefully.
"I don't think…" Oz started, but was cut off by the older man.
"I realize that you've made progress, Oz, but it might be prudent if
Buffy does keep watch for the first time since you've been back." Giles
said pointedly, getting a shrug from the young man.
Pepping up, Buffy hopped up. "We can go look where he can stay now,
just to be prepared."
"I'm sure wherever Oz was staying before he left town will be fine."
Giles told her.
"But that’s.."
"It’s fine." Oz nodded thankful to the watcher for saving him from running
around looking for locked in areas with an evil hunting slayer.
"Ok, I think I get the picture." Buffy replied lightly nipping her bottom
lip as she watched Giles retreat into the kitchen. "Um, Oz? I have to go
to school for some group meeting thing. Did you want to come with, or do
you just want to go home and I'll see you later?" she asked.
"Well, if it's alright with you, I think I'll go visit Devon at his
house." The little twinkle in his eyes that told it was meant as a joke
went unnoticed by the slayer who flushed bright red.
"Ok. I'll see you at home. Later. Whenever you decide to come home."
Buffy rose from her chair, making as hasty a retreat as possible.
~~~~
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Not only does Oz know I'm a freak but now I'm a
freak that wants to keep him from his friends. Great going Buffy.
END
Author: Chrissie
E-mail: Infragrrl@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Buffy meets Oz at the airport. Buffy's POV. Part 3 of 'Dear
Diary'
Disclaimer: Don't own them, but I know I'd treat some of them better.
Distribution: WolfSlayer archive - Slayer & her Wolf. All else
ask.
Feedback: Please...*pouty lip*
Spoilers: Wild at Heart, - I Will Remember You (from the Angel series)
N.B. Everything that's mentioned about 'Angel' from IWRY on, not
happening. Doyle ain't dying even if we don't see him, *know* that he's
alive.