Where Will All Come Home?

Chapter 3

Excerpts From the Journal of Lesley Lu Spencer: October, 2002


Thursday, October 10,2002

I don’t want to keep a journal, but the teacher says I have to. She says you can only write fluently if you write a lot. I don’t have time for this writing business. I have things to do. IMPORTANT things.

Mommy says I have to, because the teacher said so.

Papa told me that the Hagakure says that “Death is lighter than a feather, but Duty heavier than a mountain.” I think that means he won’t argue with Mommy.

Daddy said, “That’s a bummer.”

My teacher says she won’t read all my journal pages. If I fold one over it will be private -  for my eyes only. But how will I know that? Maybe I will write something mean and then fold the page over. If she sends me to the principal, I’ll know she doesn’t tell the truth.


Monday, October 14th

This weekend I went to Daddy’s again. It wasn’t so bad. The club didn’t flood. I wanted to work on our secret project, but Daddy said we have to work on building up our partnership. We went to the zoo and ate some popcorn and threw most of it to the ducks. We ate lots of cotton candy and peanuts. Aunt Alexis said we would all get sick, but we didn’t. I suggested we spend some time with the snakes, because that was polite, but it turns out Aunt Alexis likes monkeys. She makes funny monkey faces. She has enthusiasm for monkeys.


Tuesday, October 15th

Mommy brought me the most beautiful diary. It is for private writing, not for school. She said I might like the idea of writing more if I had a private place to write things. It has a picture of a horse running through a meadow on the front, and a little lock on it. With two tiny keys. Mommy and I tried opening the lock for fun. It is probably the easiest lock in the world. We opened it with a bobby pin, a paper clip, an old screw, the edge of a credit card, and even our finger nails. That was fun.

Mommy says that Sergei is too young to snoop and Lucky and Nikolas too old. She says I am the perfect age to keep a diary. Mommy said Aunt Amy read all her secrets and told about half the town. Aunt Amy said that’s not true, but when Mommy put the diary down on the table near Aunt Amy, she pulled a pin out of her hair and opened it right up. We laughed and laughed. I will have to hide it when Aunt Amy comes over.





Wednesday, October 16th

Daddy picked me up at school today to work on partnering. So far this has been more fun than when he adjusted me. I want to get started on our project, because the sooner I get un-Spencered the better. One more weekend with Michael Quartermaine will be one toomany. There is something wrong with him. I could try to teach him to pretend again, butI don’t think even Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle could cure that boy. Anyway, he and I won’t have to see each other much longer. I just have to get Daddy convinced we’re partners so we can finish this project and be done with each other.



Friday, October 18th

Tonight I got to stay home with Mommy, Papa and Sergei. Grandma Lesley did not eat dinner with us. It was just the four of us. After dinner we called Niki and also Lucky. That was fun. Mommy gave Sergei his bath and sang him to sleep while Papa read to me. We are reading The Wind in the Willows. I think Toad is not very smart, but I love to sit in Papa’s lap and listen to him read. The light from the fire shines on his face, and his voice sounds growly and nice. He has enthusiasm for Toad. Papa says he read this book to Aunt Alexis when they were children. It is hard to believe they were children.


Saturday,October 20th

Daddy called and asked Mommy if I could hang out with him for a while this afternoon. She said yes. Wenders drove me to the club and I had to wait in the car while he ascertained that Daddy had removed any objectionable materials. Orders from Papa. When I went in the club, I saw the objectionable material under the bar. When Daddy wasn’t looking, I gave that mean lady’s picture a good kick.

Daddy and I ate lunch at Kelly’s. Sometimes I hardly remember Aunt Ruby anymore. But today the smell of the chili made me remember being in the kitchen with Aunt Ruby while she cooked. On a stormy day. Outside was the rain, but inside we were cozy. Just the two of us. One time Mommy told me that as long as we keep her in our hearts Aunt Ruby will be alive. Today she was in my heart.

Aunt Bobbie and Lucas came to lunch also. At first I thought that was good. No Michael. But soon Carly came in the door with him, and the crying started up. Daddy tried to get him to sit by him, but ol’ Michael cried for me.

Sometimes Mommy is too nice. She says that I should try to think as if I’m Michael. As if I were really in his shoes looking at the world. At first, that seemed crazy, but I promised her I would try harder. Then I watched him today and did try. Maybe he cries so much, because even when his Mommy is there, she sort of isn’t. It’s as if her mind is somewhere else. Mommy and I keep our minds in the here and now.



Sunday, October 21st

I had some new ideas about our project, but I am going to talk to Grandma Lesley before I go any farther. Last night I dreamed about before, when we didn’t live at Wyndemere. In my dream I was on the porch with Foster. We were waiting for Daddy and Lucky to come home. But they didn’t.

I think that maybe I can do this project without Daddy. I really should have asked Papa to help me.

Where Will All Come Home?

Chapter 4

On the evening of October 31st, Stefan Cassadine found himself celebrating Halloween in his own study in the quietest manner imaginable. Marriage and young children had altered the gothic room only slightly. Although Mrs. Lansbary and Laura resolutely guarded his privacy, his mantle was adorned by a vase filled with spectacular autumn leaves and Lesley Lu’s best jack-o-lantern picture in subdued celebration of the season. A fire both warmed the room and cast its flickering glow over his book as he relaxed with a rare edition of a collection of Poe’s short stories. The blustery weather and threat of early snow had decided the issue of the entire family’s attendance at the school’s Halloween carnival.

Secretly relieved at being spared the carnival, Stefan read quietly while Sergei, his chosen companion of the evening, slept comfortably under his father’s watchful eye in his playpen, close enough to the fire for comfort, but not too close to be unsafe. Stefan smiled as he thought how comical it was that a man nicknamed “Count Vlad” by his enemies could think of no wilder indulgence on this night than to keep his sleeping child within his reach, rather than tucked into his own bed in the nursery.

“A useless pair of vampires we would make, eh, my son?” he whispered softly. “Love has dulled my fangs, and yours cause you more pain than you could possibly inflict upon anyone else with them!”

Laura was working at something called a “cakewalk” at the elementary school carnival, Lesley Lu, garbed in a unicorn costume, was, he hoped, being adequately supervised by Luke and Alexis at the many games offered there for the children’s amusement. He remained doubtful of the wisdom of frequent contact between Lesley Lu and her father, but Lesley Lu seemed to have grown more tolerant of the visits. Alexis’ motivations in the whole affair appeared, as usual, both highly suspect and perfectly natural. He could not allay the suspicion that she planned to use Lesley Lu to win Luke over to the idea of having another child. But, on the other hand, what could be more natural than a desire to have a child of her own? What right did he have to oppose it? Yet for Alexis to have a child with Spencer, would, he admitted to himself, be a grave concern. Was Luke even capable of parenting another child? He had once been devoted to Lucky. But in recent years, his questionable judgement and behavior, especially with regard to Lesley Lu....

The insistent ringing of the phone interrupted his thoughts. He courteously took a message for Lesley Webber, and wrote it down. Lesley had her own phone line, but frequently people forgot or lost her number and called the main line to Wyndemere. A slight inconvenience.

Lesley herself was hardly a trifling inconvenience. He had welcomed her into his home for Laura’s sake, but she remained, in truth, a most painful thorn in his flesh. His own unremitting guilt over the lost years of her life put him at a permanent disadvantage in dealing with her. Although he struggled to be both gracious and patient, it was, at best, a difficult situation for both.

Lesley had clearly longed for a reconciliation between Luke and Laura. When it did not occur, her grudging acceptance of Laura and Stefan’s marriage was also painfully clear.  Up until Sergei’s birth, she had taken every opportunity to arrange “accidental” meetings  between Luke and Laura. Stefan wondered why he was unfortunate enough to have gained such an intelligent and creative mother-in-law. Some of her more spectacular efforts toward rejuvenating Luke and Laura’s moribund relationship had been worthy even of a Cassadine’s respect.

He reassured himself with the thought that the joy his family brought him each day was more than ample recompense for the discomfort of facing the personification of past wrongdoing. Besides, how could he quibble over his mother-in-law? Laura certainly had received the worst end of that bargain.

A knock at his study door caught him unaware. He scowled. Security was slipping. Glancing quickly to see if Sergei had been disturbed, he rose quickly and turned to greet his unexpected visitor. To his amazement, Lesley Webber walked in hesitantly.

Stefan thought that she appeared as uncomfortable as he himself felt. She recovered quickly though.

Never one to mince words, Lesley looked at him directly. “Stefan. Good. I hoped to find you alone.”

Stefan gestured in the direction of Sergei, and spoke softly, “How may I help you?’

Lesley lowered her voice, glancing affectionately at the sleeping infant, “May I sit down? It is a somewhat involved story.” She pushed her hair back with one hand. In Stefan’s experience with her, such a gesture usually indicated worry or indecision.

“Certainly. I am behaving improperly. I am somewhat surprised. You do not usually seek  my company.”

He gestured toward the sofa. “ Please. Sit down. May I pour you a brandy? Perhaps wine?”

“No, thank you.” Lesley seated herself on one end of the sofa and absently smoothed a nonexistent wrinkle in the skirt of her handsome black suit.

Stefan seated himself at the other end of the sofa, nearest Sergei, folded his arms across his chest, and waited.

“I can’t think of a way to begin this, but in all fairness, you should be made aware of my course of action in a certain personal matter.” Lesley looked past Stefan toward her sleeping grandson.

“I am honored by your confidence.”

“What I do may affect your whole family: Laura, Lesley Lu, Sergei, as well as the two older boys. You were never my choice for a son-in-law, as you know, but the facts are indisputable. My daughter loves you. You are the father of two of my grandchildren. We have mutual interests. Whether either of us would have ever wanted this to be the case is irrelevant at this point.”

Stefan nodded. “I respect your forthrightness. It is not a characteristic found often in members of my own family.”

He took off his reading glasses, and looked attentively at her.

Lesley began, “When I was young, people thought differently than they do now about many things. One of those things was the sanctity of marriage vows. When my father found out I was pregnant by a married man, he sent me to a home for unwed mothers, and refused my lover any contact with me. I found that out many years later, about a year before I found Laura. I was led to believe that he abandoned me.” She paused. Her eyes looked past Stefan into the fire, into a girl’s heart and a long-buried sadness. “ I suppose these questions would have arisen long before now had I been in contact with my grandchildren, but ....” Her voice trailed off and a tear slipped down her face.

Wiping it away, she squared her shoulders, sucked in a ragged breath, and began again. “I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I’m sure that I didn’t. I led Laura to believe that her father was dead. He was not. The year before I found her, I saw him.  He told me that he had never stopped loving me, and still mourned our baby’s death. For the twelve years prior to that brief re-acquaintance, the most painful months of my life had lain dead behind me. Stillborn - like the child whom I had wanted so desperately.”

“He would have wanted Laura, you see. He and his wife were both childless and wealthy. At the time I thought I behaved morally. His wife was emotionally fragile. She had been assigned to my care at GH. Ethically, I could do no harm to a patient. Emotional distress caused by his infidelity, and the knowledge that he had fathered a child by another woman,had led to serious physical illness for her.

‘Gordon wanted to leave her. Even then. He still loved me. But I sent him away.

“Then, some time afterwards, I found Laura.”

“You are saying that Laura’s father has been alive these many years. That he wanted his child....” A vein in Stefan’s right temple throbbed, but his voice remained even. “He never knew she lived?”

“No, I haven’t seen him in over twenty-five years. Later, when I found Laura.... I can’t excuse myself.” Lesley broke down and sobbed openly.

Stefan rose and handed her a handkerchief from the pocket of his dressing gown. Moving to the couch, he sat down tentatively, unsure of whether his proximity would console or insult the distraught woman.

His head ached. He did not know if he could bring himself to comfort her.

Never to know that the child of your heart lived. Never to know.

Even on the island, his silent delight in his unclaimed son had meant everything to him. To have never seen Nikolas’ smile or heard his first words. Never to have seen the look of shock on Sergei’s small face when he accidentally bit his own thumb with his new teeth. The innocent pride on Lesley Lu’s face when she presented Mrs. Lansbary with a Christmas gift, an egg-cracking device of her own invention. A thousand precious, unrelated moments tumbled in disorderly fashion through his mind.

He breathed in, counted silently, breathed out, willing himself to calmness. From long training, he regained control of his respiration, steadied his pulse.

But, the thought would not be suppressed. Never to know. He forced his mind back to Lesley’s emotional narrative.

“....born out of wedlock; she was mine. I lost her entire childhood. I could not bear to add to the number of people I might have to fight to gain custody of Laura.” She sighed and continued, as if wearied by endless repetition of the story in her own mind. “Rick adopted her. We made a family for her. She had a father to replace Jason Vining.”

Stefan spoke quietly. “The man she always considered her father. Just this morning, she mentioned him. The way he flipped pancakes on Saturday mornings for her and Amy.”

“She loved them both. The Vinings, I mean.” Lesley paused. “She suffered terribly when she was separated from them.”

Stefan broke in. “You have definitely decided to locate Laura’s biological father?

“I think,” said Lesley, “that I must.”

“What is it then, that you desire from me? Approval? Aid in explaining the situation to Laura? Or assistance in actually locating this man?”

“I may well be a coward, but if Gordon is dead, there is no reason to pursue the matter,” said Lesley. If he and his wife are both still living, the news could be deadly if either or both of them are in ill health. They are both older than I. At this point, I would like your opinion on the best way to proceed. I realize that Laura’s reaction and the possible confusion of the children will be your main concern. That’s why I’m discussing the situation with you first. I haven’t broached it with Laura. And would prefer that you didn’t for the time being.”

“Would you grant me a day or so to consider your revelations? Stefan stroked his face thoughtfully. There are, as you have noted, multiple factors to be considered. You have my word that I will not delay you unduly.”

“Certainly. I’m not surprised that you need time. I’ll be in a seminar in upstate New York for the next few days. Dr. Jones asked me if I could take his place just this afternoon.  We’ll talk again when I return. Good night, then.” Lesley rose and bolted for the door.

“Lesley.” Stefan stopped her with a word. “If I may ask, why did you decide to pursue this matter now? After all these years?” Stefan gazed earnestly at her face. “Why, in God’s name, now?”

“As I said, if I had been around my other grandchildren, I would, I suppose, have dealt with it sooner. Lesley Lu has been asking questions. It’s the most natural thing in the world for a child to have questions about her family. About where she came from. I don’t want to evade her questions or lie to her. And beyond that, it’s not safe. We have no access to Laura’s paternal family’s medical history. At some point, the information might prove crucial in preventing or treating an illness in Laura or one of the children. Had Laura been unable to contact you during Lulu’s infancy, she would have died.”

Stefan nodded gravely. “Thank you, Lesley. For now, good night. Try to rest comfortably. We will speak again soon.” He failed miserably in his attempt at a comforting smile.

Lesley acknowledged his remarks with a slight nod. She turned again at the doorway to make a final comment, but Stefan’s back was already turned to her. The leaping fire cast fantastic shadows across the room. In his dressing gown, hands clasped behind his back, he gazed into the fire so intently, that momentarily it seemed to her that Stefan, like celebrants of old, recognizing the night marking the ascension of darkness, sought portents in the flaming heart of the fire.


- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - -- - - - - --

On Friday evening, Mrs. Lansbary had the night off, so Laura cooked dinner for the family and they ate at the big oak table near the kitchen fireplace. Stefan enyoyed the novelty of eating in the kitchen as much as Lesley Lu did even though Laura knew he would never admit it. It amused her to watch him assist Lesley Lu in setting the table while she finished cooking. Loading the dishwasher after dinner, however, was simply hilarious. His baffled look at the various compartments and his intense, unintentionally comic efforts to efficiently load the dishes finally forced Laura to drive him from the kitchen by threatening to flick him with a damp dish towel.

“Out! Out!” she cried in mock indignation. “Take Lulu upstairs and read while I return Mrs. Lansbary’s kitchen to the pristine state it was in when we got here! Otherwise, we’ll be banished. Forever!”

Stefan transferred Sergei from his high chair to his playpen, after moving it within Laura’s range of sight.

“When I’m finished, I’ll bathe our little man and put him to bed. See you later,” Laura called as Stefan and Lulu went out the double doors hand in hand.

Once they arrived in his study, Lesley Lu hopped on one foot toward the fireplace saying, “It’s a Friday evening, Papa. The weekend!” Stefan’s eyes twinkled. Lesley Lu seldom made aimless comments, and in this respect she was very much like her grandmother. He resolutely pushed thoughts of Lesley away. Not tonight. A decision could be deferred one more day.

“Which means?” he responded.

“That you should read the whole story in English tonight, because my brain is tired from a long week at school. Not to mention a tedious afternoon with Mademoiselle Charlotte yesterday, and ballet lessons today. Also, I helped Mommy make the hamburgers tonight.”

“It is still good exercise for a tired brain to play ‘Translate If You Can’, even if only to humor one’s Papa.”

“Well, maybe a little bit of the story,” said Lulu, holding the tips of her thumb and index finger nearly together to illustrate how very little French she wanted to hear.

Stefan seated himself in their favorite chair and Lesley Lu bounced into his lap. She let out a little sigh of contentment as she settled into the curve of his left arm and leaned back against his shoulder.

“Papa, this feels just right.” Lesley Lu sighed with contentment as she inhaled the mixed scents of her stepfather’s aftershave, the woody smell of the banked fire and the faint odor of sandalwood that lingered in every room of Wyndemere. Stefan smiled down at the contented little face, kissed the top of her head and gently laid his cheek against her hair for a moment.

“Papa, did you know that I’m a little bit yours?” Lulu placed her small hands over his. “Because I have Nikki’s blood and his blood came from Mommy and you both.”

“I consider you my own child. But whatever made you think of it?”

“I was talking to my grandmother about when I was a baby, and Nikolas gave me some of those little bone marrow cells, because mine didn’t work.”

“And?”

“Well, I wondered if I am part Cassadine, instead of all Spencer. I wondered if a doctor took some of my blood and looked at it, if she would say, “This girl used to be Lesley Lu Spencer, but now she’s all changed up inside and she is not a Spencer at all!”

“Are you concerned about who you are? Do you feel that you are not truly a Spencer?”  Stefan felt his blood pressure rising, but tried to remain calm. He had been certain that visitation with Luke was a poor plan from the beginning. Now this child felt rejected due to a life-saving infusion of bone marrow cells from Nikolas. Somehow tainted by her brother’s Cassadine blood.

He took a deep breath and blew part of it out. “Do you feel badly because you needed Nikolas’ blood?”

“No, I am always happy about that. Lucky and Sergei live right here in my heart all the time! She thumped her chest emphatically. “But Nikolas lives everywhere in me. He sings in my blood all day. When I run at school, and slow down, and my heart beats fast, Nikolas is there. Nikolas is always with me. It is the best present anyone ever got. I will never ever be alone. Not in my whole life.”

Stefan arms tightened around Lesley Lu and he blinked hard. “I am glad to hear you say this. It would make me very sad if you felt that somehow you had lost some part of yourself, just because you needed help from your brother.”

“I thought perhaps it meant that, unlike other people, my DNA got mixed up, and instead of two parents, maybe I didn’t really have but one real parent: Mommy. And the rest of me was a mix-up of you, and Nikolas, and some more of Mommy. ”

“Were you frightened about that?

“No, it would have been helpful I believe.”

“How so?”

“Well, it would get Daddy and me out of this pickle of being relatives. Also, I had hoped to be able to tell Lucas that I’m not any more related to Michael than he is, and so he couldn’t all the time leave me to take care of him.”

“You don’t want to be Luke’s child?” Stefan tried not to sound pleased.

“It’s really both of us, Papa. You know about that already. Daddy doesn’t enjoy adjusting me. Partnering is going better, but that’s just until we finish something... a project. Now, I wish I hadn’t started that project. I am trying to finish it on my own.”

“And let’s go back a moment. When you asked Lesley about the transplant, what did she tell you?”

“Grandma Lesley says that I am all Spencer and Webber. I have the same DNA I was born with everywhere except in my bone marrow cells. Bodies are not too picky about blood, you see. They just want the proper kind. That’s why a bone marrow transplant isn’t as dangerous as an organ transplant. Your antibodies just swarm around the outside of your blood cells, and say ‘Yippee! This works’. In an organ transplant, your antibodies look inside the cells and say ‘Help! This is not our DNA’. And then, they try to fight away the new organ. They don’t know it’s good for them.”

“You have been sleeping badly this week. Twice you have come into my study late at night, and curled up on the sofa. Is either this project with your father or thoughts of your bone marrow transplant responsible for keeping you awake?”

“No, not exactly. Can you keep a secret from Mommy? One that would make her feel bad?”

Stefan considered. First Lesley. Now, Lesley Lu. “For the present. If you tell me what is bothering you, you have my word that I shall not share it with your mother. But if, in my judgement, it is critically important, we will tell her together. Is that an acceptable compromise?”

“Okay. Well, I have been having the same dream over and over. It’s not even scary. It’s just me and Foster, sitting on the porch at that other house, and we’re waiting, but nobody comes. Mommy’s inside and she’s waiting too. That’s all of it.”

“Waiting for your father?”

Lulu nodded. “And Lucky.”

She looked up at Stefan. “It makes me wake up and be a little sad. But, do we have to tell Mommy?”

“No, not at this time.” Stefan stroked her hair. “If you ever desire to share it with her, you should. But only if you want to. We will keep it private for the time being.” They sat in comfortable silence for a moment.

“Does your father know about this dream?” Stefan asked.

Lesley Lu looked surprised. “No, of course not.” He wouldn’t be interested in stuff like that! He doesn’t much care about daddies or family stuff.” She grinned. “Lucas says Daddy wouldn’t even remember his name if it weren’t the same as his.

“He says one time Daddy offered to take him to the park, and he got scared, because the night before he had stayed up late and watched ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ and he thought maybe Daddy was a pod person. Because his real Uncle Luke wouldn’t ever take him to the park.”

She giggled. “But once he got to the park, Uncle Tony was there, and he felt better, because that meant Daddy was just running some kind of scam on Aunt Bobbie, and so everything was okay!”

Stefan laughed. “I see that Lucas’ imagination is as lively as ever!”

“Lucas says that you were his favorite step-father or almost-father, but you only stayed a little while before you went away.”

“Your Aunt Barbara and I were married a brief while, but it was a serious mistake. I have always regretted the fact that Lucas and Nikolas were hurt by that experience.”

“What about Sergei and me?” Lesley Lu asked in a small, careful voice. He felt the small, wiry body tense as she asked the question. She looked down at Stefan’s hands which cradled her own, avoiding direct eye contact.

Stefan kissed the top of her head again and spoke honestly. “I would never willingly leave your mother, Sergei, or you. Even if something terrible happened, and your mother and I no longer lived together, I would not allow you and Sergei to be separated. And I most certainly would continue to be your parent. I love you, just as I do Nikolas and Sergei. You are in another kind of pickle with me. And I won’t ever let you out!” He hugged her and kissed first one and then the other of her hands.

He felt the slender body in his arms begin to relax again.

“I think I’m ready to hear more of Toad’s adventures now. My brain feels better, and I think I could even do a few pages of francais, Papa.”

“Tres bien. Je parle francais un peu seulement. Maintenant....”



Late that night, Stefan restlessly wandered into his darkened study, turning on only his desk light. He opened his right top desk drawer and drew his glasses out of their case. Rubbing his hands across his face, he sighed, and leaned back in his chair for a few moments. Then he sat upright, put on his glasses and pulled his laptop toward him. He pushed the power switch and waited patiently for the computer to come to life. Then he began to compose an e-mail message.

To: nikc@harvard.edu.com
From: stefc@cassadineind.com
Re: family concerns

Your grandmother has confided in me regarding a situation which might conceivably affect every member of our family. I am not at liberty to discuss these confidences with either you or your mother, although your counsel would be most welcome. My junior in years, you possess an innate wisdom with regard to human relationships which I can only envy.

Tonight, in a conversation with Lesley Lu, I was profoundly touched by her expression of the depth of the connection she feels to you. I can no longer imagine what our lives would be today, if your heart had not called you home. To her, and a family that existed only in your own dreams.

After speaking with your sister, I realized that you had, in fact, counseled me through her. My course of action in two matters of importance is decided.

I miss you more than I can say. Come home soon.
Your father

Chapters 1-2

Chapters 5-6

Where Will All Come Home?
Index