Reflections
by Julie
She paused a moment, and turned to see him. She had places to be and people to see, and she was already running late. Crossing the docks was the quickest way to Kelly’s. But, had Laura known that she would find her ex-lover watching the waters of Spoon Lake in quiet, almost pensive contemplation, Laura wouldn’t have come this way. “I don’t have anything to say to you.” she informed him.
He turned to face her, his green eyes dark. “Good. Then, you only have to listen.” he paused, and walked slowly towards her, away from the water’s edge. “I need to talk to you.”
Laura glanced at him, and then the deserted bench. She really didn’t want to stay and tread any old ground. But, she had no reason to say no to him. And, a part of her, whom Laura quieted frequently, wanted to listen to him and understand what had happened. So, she sat. But, she wasn’t about to let him think that a part of her was still desperately in love with him. Even if it was true. “Talk, Stefan.”
When he spoke, his voice was full of pain, regret and disappointment. “I am tired of burying everything I think and feel. I need to be completely open and honest, for once, Laura. I wish to tell you...” he trailed off. “Would you listen?”
Her eyes remained blue ice, her face indifferent. He would not pull upon her sympathies! She wouldn’t let him. “I’m here, aren’t I?” she returned, rudely.
He sighed, and asked her suddenly. “Do you hate me, Laura?”
She shook her head. “I don’t hate you, Stefan.”
He didn’t speak directly to her. “You don’t love me, either.” he paused. “I will say my peace, Laura. If we aren’t going to be together, which is obviously what you want, I need to tell you everything I’ve kept buried. It will kill me, otherwise, I’m certain.” he looked directly at her. And, when Laura peered into those deep green depths, as if looking into a darkened forrest, she saw that he was telling the absolute truth. If he didn’t tell her exactly what was on her mind, it would be his end.
She softened, almost too slightly to see, and responded “Go ahead.”
His voice started uncertainly, when he finally started. He didn’t know if he really wanted to go through with this. But, he had to. She had to know, or neither one of them would ever have any peace. “I don’t know where I discovered this belief that one must rarely say exactly what he feels, especially if it’s not a good feeling. I think it came from my childhood. I was born to an unwanting mother and an indifferent father...” he had started to quicken his pace, as if wanting to get through this part quickly.
“I know this, Stefan.”
He turned back to her, watching her. He answered her, slower. “But, you don’t know what it’s like to grow up with Helena Cassadine as your mother. I never told you; how could you know? I had no desire to dig up those childish feelings of abandonment, especially when I thought I might have something with you. My mother never loved me. She wanted things from me, and at times she’d try to remain on my good side. But, she never loved me.”
She nodded. “Stefan, you wouldn’t want Helena to love you that much, would you? You’ve told me she loved Stavros, and look what became of him.”
He shook his head. She had to understand. “But, as a child, how could I want anything else but my mother’s love? She bore me and gave me life. If she couldn’t love me and care for me, my own mother, how much could I possibly be worth? What child does not love his mother, anyhow, no matter her real worth? Nikolas adored you from the time he could walk and he didn’t even know you.”
Laura was silent. Stefan had a point. She couldn’t imagine having to grow up with Lesley or the Vinings, if they hadn’t wanted her. If her mother had been as cold as Laura was certain Helena had been to Stefan, she wouldn’t have been able to survive. It had always surprised her that, somehow, Stefan had survived all that and wasn’t insane. But, she didn’t speak her thoughts.
Stefan allowed himself to continue. “I stopped saying everything that was going on in my mind right about then. I wanted Helena to love me. I believed that if I didn’t let her know how much she hurt me, then she would begin to love me. I didn’t understand that she couldn’t love me. I was only a child.”
“When Alexis came to the island to live with us, I was only nine or ten... Alexis was a lot younger, though, and I knew she was vulnerable. I was also certain that Helena cared for her less than me. Alexis was little. I didn’t want her to be hurt or afraid of my mother.” he paused for a moment.
She cautiously responded, unsure that he wanted her to say anything. “I know you care for you sister.” she told him.
“I love my sister.” he acknowledged. “But, I didn’t tell her what I was protecting her from. I didn’t let anyone even glimpse what I had so deeply buried, until I met you.”
Laura did not want to hear this. “Stefan,”
He ignored her plea. “Do you know what you were to me, Laura? You were everything on that island; my spirit. My angel. My saving grace.” he smiled, mirthlessly. His eyelashes were lowered, and Laura had the sudden feeling that if Stefan hadn’t had the slight reign he had on his feelings now, there would have been tear drops. “I know I rarely told you I loved you at all. You were wrapped up in Luke Spencer so often. I thought it would prove fruitless to acknowledge my feelings But, I did try. ‘The night your lips touched mine, you feign not to recall. Though you forget, my love, the gods remember all.’ With Alexis away at school, I wanted to give you everything I could offer. I loved you, deeply and certainly. I believed you returned the feeling. I was certain you must love me, as my mother hadn’t. You gave me Nikolas, after all. You would give me worth.” he paused.
“I discovered I was wrong only when you left me holding Nikolas, and I learned you would never return.”
“I tried.”
“Once. Was that all that your son and I were worth? One try against Helena?”
Laura did not want blame, even if a part of her might have deserved it. She turned steady blue eyes on him. She would not let him see her falter, even if it did pain her to think how she had left him all of those years ago. “I tried once against Helena, and she sent you to kill my mother.” she reminded him.
“Did you even think about me at all?”
“Of course I did. I cared for you, Stefan. I remembered you.”
Stefan answered her, almost in desperation. “I didn’t want to be cared for, Laura. I wanted to be loved. I still loved you after you left. I tried not to. But, I loved you too deeply to let you go. Maybe you didn’t know that, either. It was another one of those things I buried.”
She let him speak for a moment, without interruption. “When I came to Port Charles with Nikolas, I tried hard to keep those feelings buried. I didn’t want to love you anymore. You don’t know how hard I tried to stop. But, something in me couldn’t give up on you. Even when you looked at me as if you didn’t know me. I wanted you, Laura, I won’t deny it. And, eventually, you admitted there had been something on that island. You told me that nothing was over. I’ll give you one more chance to take back your words. Was there nothing on that island? Was it all my imagination? Was I nothing more to you than something to keep you alive before you could reunite with Luke?”
Laura desperately wanted to tell him exactly that. Maybe it would keep him from talking in that quietly intense voice. Maybe it would keep her from acknowledging the pain she had caused him from the time she left Nikolas in his arms to the time the re-united in Port Charles. But, how could she lie to him? Or, to herself? Laura had lied to herself so often during those years - that she hadn’t loved him, or left anything behind. That Luke had been worth abandoning a man who truly loved her, and her own child. Laura had made herself not think of whom she’d left behind in Greece. She wouldn’t do that, now. “I won’t take back my word, Stefan.” she answered. “There was something on that island. I did love you.”
A concession. Stefan did not seem to take it too much to heart, but Laura perceived the pause in him. “I need to know more, Laura. I need to be certain. After you admitted that there had been something; after your husband left you, you entered my waiting arms as if you belonged there. We dated, we kissed...I shared things with you that I had never shown anyone. My feelings had never been dormant, Laura. I just never mentioned them those first two years. And, when we began to date, I never mentioned what I had been going through until you finally made a concession to me. I didn’t want to hurt you, you understand. Laura, I loved-” he stopped, suddenly.
She wouldn’t let him stop there. “You loved what, Stefan?” the coiled hatred that had been ringing in her voice when this conversation had begun was silenced. Laura didn’t know how she could hate a man who had been through so much without anyone. No matter what he had done to her.
“I won’t lie to you, Laura. I won’t make something appear dead when it’s very much alive.” he told her, and started again. “I love you. Please, don’t answer me. Not yet.”
She didn’t.
“I was in bliss when I thought that I had discovered your feelings for me were in tact. That you loved me. I believed myself to mean more to you than another means of survival between you and Luke. You did things with me, and told me you loved me. And, the brightest thing of all, after our date to Carmen. When we saw Luke on the docks that night, you followed me and not him.” he paused, and caught his breath. When he spoke again, his voice trembled.
“But, maybe I was wrong. Certainly, it seemed that way last February. I’ll let you tell me. In Port Charles, recently, did you love me? Was I important to you, as more than just a substitute to Spencer’s embrace? Did you want to be with me the way I wanted to be with you? I had loved you since before Nikolas was even conceived. I wanted you to love me. I suppose, in a way, I needed to be loved. I savored what I thought I had. But, it’s certainly possible I could have imagined something that wasn’t there. Did I?”
Oh God. What had she done to him? If there was one thing that Laura had always been certain of, it was Stefan’s stability. He had always seemed so impassable by so many things. Helena couldn’t get to him. Luke couldn’t get to him. It shook her to see him so vulnerable. Laura felt almost sick to see him in such pain. She had to let him know that it had existed, even if it was her intention to kill it. “I never denied it before, and I’m not about to. I loved you recently, too.”
He shook his head, and turned those deep green eyes on her. “You’ll have to allow me the question. You certainly haven’t been acting like there was even a flame between us. After Luke told you about Lucky, and we all got back to Port Charles, you acted as though there hadn’t been anything between us. You returned to Luke. As if I were nothing more than a pause in the passage to Luke Spencer. When I thought you had died after I told you about your mother, I mourned you.” he laughed, shortly, bitterly, the laughter echoing hollow across the darkening lake. “When you thought I was dead, did you even pause?”
Laura thought about it a moment. To tell the truth, by June, she had pushed any feelings so far back inside her, she hadn’t mourned him as much as she probably should have. To be utterly honest, she had been callous in her remembrance of him. Laura suddenly clearly recalled that night with Scotty Baldwin, when she had referred to Stefan as ‘what’s-his-name’; a mistake she had almost wed. Perhaps Stefan’s open, painful honesty was calling hers out. She knew Stefan, despite the fact that he had kidnapped her son, would never say that anything he’d had with her was a mistake. He would never hurt her like that, even if she was “dead”. How could she do that to him? “I loved you, Stefan.” she repeated. “I certainly paused.”
“Then, I honestly don’t understand something. You tell me that what I felt for you was real and you harbored those same feelings. Please, tell me. How could you leave me if you felt the way I did?”
Laura wasn’t sure how he could possibly not understand. “You kidnapped my child and held him for a year against his will.”
Stefan’s voice grew louder, as if volume would push the point past. “What can I do to make you listen to me? I didn’t kidnap Lucky! I never touched him.”
Laura remained steeped in Luke’s lies. “Luke saw you.”
“Luke saw me trying to rescue your child.” he answered, slightly calmer. But, the intensity and pain were not lost from his voice. “Luke believed what he wanted to. I know that. That’s the way Spencer’s mind works. But, you, Laura?” and suddenly, his voice was so painful, it almost hurt to hear him speak. “How could you ever believe I would put you through such a hell? What in the world would I gain from it?”
There was a good question. Unfortunately, Laura didn’t have a good answer.
Stefan didn’t question her lack of response. “Maybe you believe I would kidnap Lucky, a child, simply to win you. That I believed that if I took your son away from you, you would crumble and fall to my arms. That I would be so callous as to risk your pain; your life and curse an innocent teenager all for a fling. But, did you honestly think I would put Nikolas through such torture, if I had any idea of what had happened? I saw Nikolas mourn his brother’s death. I saw him cry, and I had only seen him do that twice before. It killed me to see him so upset.” he paused, as if uncertain if he wanted to share this point with Laura. But, he had already resolved he would share every point with Laura. This was just as important as the rest.
“I love Nikolas more than anything. Even more than you, Lasha. He is the only person I have ever loved with as much abandon as I loved you. Nikolas is almost everything to me. He is my main reason for living. I don’t even think you know my depth of caring for my son. When Alexis told me that he was biologically Stavros’s, I turned from her suddenly. It pained me to breathe. She told me she was sorry; she knew how much I loved Nikolas. And, when I answered that she didn’t, and saw her pause as if in indignation, I had to add that nobody did. Am I so heartless, I would put him through such pain and regret?”
“Will you allow me, for once and for all, tell you my truth of it? I won’t force you to believe it.”
She nodded. What else could Laura do, but answer his pleas? For the first, and probably only time in his life, Stefan was laying his heart bare. To her. The least thing she could do was listen.
He seemed to breathe a moment, with relief. It was a short-lived respite. When he spoke again, Laura’s heart pulled for him. “It was in January that I started to notice my mother was becoming very relaxed. It was as if she had an ace up her sleeve; something that would kill us all if she unleashed it. I didn’t trust her. So, I kept a tail on her with her assistant. I discovered that she was making frequent treks to Switzerland. Andreas informed me of one particular trip, and I followed Helena clear across to a winter estate.”
Laura listened with held breath. Stefan paused a moment, catching her brilliant blue eyes briefly, before dropping them. “It was February. I peeked into a large bay window, and found myself studying the back of someone’s head. His hair was dark blond, almost brown, and I recognized him. But, his back was to me. And though I knew Helena was speaking to him, I couldn’t hear the barest exchange of words. When Helena came out, I hid in the bushes and listened carefully. She made a comment to one of the guards that she believed Lucky Spencer was progressing nicely.” he paused. “That was the first time I had any thought that your son was alive.”
Laura didn’t want to hear this, but his story made so much sense. How could she keep the belief alive that he was lying? Stefan didn’t notice her hesitations. “My immediate thoughts were of you and him. It pained me to know that the torment you had been though was nothing more than one of my mother’s vast plots. And, contrary to your popular beliefs, I had nothing against Lucky. He was Nikolas’s friend and brother. He had usually been polite to me. And, he was your son. I can never harbor anything against your children, Laura. I never will. And, even if I had hated him, which I don’t, nobody, and especially not an innocent teenager, deserves to be held prisoner. Especially for a year. Especially by Helena Cassadine. So, I tried for the window.” he paused. “Which triggered the alarm.”
“I came back to Port Charles, and gathered a mercenary team. That’s why I kept disappearing for days on end. I wanted to keep a firm lock on Helena’s actions. I would’ve told you, but I didn’t wish to ignite a false hope.”
“I believe Luke and Felecia Scorpio heard a phone conversation between me and the team, where I spoke of moving the boy. They thought I had kidnapped him, I suppose. I didn’t know. I told Alexis of my plan, because I needed her help with dealing with Helena. But, also simply because I felt she should know how dangerous my mother was. She spoke on your behalf, Laura. She wanted me to tell you everything. But, I hesitated. I thought I was protecting you, but Alexis had a point. Maybe I was partially scared that if Luke rescued Lucky, and I didn’t, you’d find the hero within Luke and leave me.
“I went ahead with my plans. I am fairly certain, by now, that Luke and Felecia followed me that night. But, I didn’t see them then. And, I pulled Lucky out.”
“I had him. I had doctors check him. But, Helena, who was still somehow ahead of me, took him back. And, when I finally went to tell you, I was too late. Luke had already told you and Nikolas his version of it.” there was suddenly a silver flash in his eyes, like a short bolt of lightning. Laura knew he was thinking of how she had confronted him. Maybe even feeling, still, the cold slap across his face.
If he knew that she knew, he didn’t acknowledge it. “You know where it goes from there, Laura, I’m certain. I followed you and Luke, twice, and then gave up. I had an idea about Helena, but if Luke would threaten me, I wouldn’t tell him.” he blinked, suddenly, and Laura was certain she saw tears. “And, if you couldn’t simply come with me...” he trailed off. “When Lucky finally returned, and we all returned home, you didn’t act as though we had been lovers and had a fight. You acted, looked, and felt as though I had been nothing to you. That there hadn’t been a relationship. I didn’t understand it.” he paused.
“Laura, we didn’t stop at an end and say our good-byes. We stopped dead in the middle. You said, once, that what we had on that island wasn’t yet finished, because we stopped at the middle. We did the same in March. We didn’t even talk.” he paused, and his voice pulsated the air. “If we never talked, how could anything be over?”
Laura valiantly tried to keep hold of her accusations against him, but they were starting to echo hollow inside her mind. Still, she desperately clung to her obstinacy. “Did you want me to stand stock still and say it’s over, Stefan?”
He answered, simply, but the passion and the pain still rang through his voice. “No. I wish to know how anything could end where we left it. We didn’t have a conversation. You left us at the roadside, Lasha, and I am tired of allowing you to do that.” his voice had grown in volume, but Stefan soon silenced it. His tone was no less intense, though.
“Let me finish my half of the dialogue quickly, Laura, please. I’ve told you all that is in my heart. I still love you. Despite anything, I still love you.” he paused, and his eyes once more pled with her. Laura was moved by the absolute misery and hope mixed into the green - they shone oddly in the winter sunshine.
Laura couldn’t answer him. He had threatened her very being with an onslaught of feeling. She didn’t know how to respond. He had betrayed her, of that she had been certain. But, what was one betrayal compared to what she had done to him? This man had bent himself backwards to show her that he loved her.
And, then again, maybe there wasn’t the betrayal she had assumed. His plea was so desperate, his voice trembling in the air. He had told her his tale so uncertainly. She knew Stefan and she had learned to recognize it when he was really lying. This seemed to be a truth.
At an end, Laura finally blurted out something that she hadn’t even known. “Do you want me to say it, Stefan? I can’t. It’s not over.”
There was a brief flash of fire. “It never will be.” an overwhelming passion suddenly overtook Stefan’s facade, and his eyes were suddenly lit. With one sweeping movement, he had his hand at the back of her neck, slowly lifting her face to his own.
He kissed her, deeply. Or, rather, she kissed him, her eyes closed as she drew herself into his embrace. His hands were warm, his aftershave pleasant. And, with that kiss, somehow both strong and tender, there was that surge of electricity. Without even thinking, she moved her arms to embrace him, and clung to him there.
Suddenly, quickly, he broke free. His face was pale, and the passion was slowly growing dim in those forrest green eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act...”
Laura interrupted him. After that, she wasn’t about to go back. “You have nothing to regret, Stefan. You might’ve stepped closer, and taken me, but I kissed you. I wanted it, too.”
He watched her, uncertainly. “It wasn’t my intention to back you into a corner.” he regarded her from afar, hoping she didn’t see his puzzled reaction. “I just wanted to tell the truth...”
She spoke kindly. That kiss, electric and magnetic, was awakening something that had already been roused in his confession. Laura wasn’t even paying attention anymore to what she said, or how she said it. She spoke from the heart. “No. Stefan, you are right. I left us at a roadside, because I didn’t know how to do anything unless I ignored my feelings. But, you have a point. I’ve done that before, and I need to stop. I never lied to Luke about my feelings towards him, when they were intact. What right do I have to ignore mine now?” she paused. “Stefan, I love you.”
Laura wanted to kiss him again, to feel his fingers comb out that tangles in her blonde hair. To feel the warmth of his body around her own, and to taste his kisses. To know that quiet magnetism that stung her every time he touched her. She called him to her eyes without meaning to.
But, he painfully held himself back.
“No, Lasha.” he spoke, softly, willing himself to speak it at all.
A puzzled frown crossed her face. “No what, Stefan?”
The desperation was obvious in his face and his voice, as he spoke. He wanted to take her back into his arms. As he had so many times in the past. But, he would not lay himself vulnerable to her charms again. If she truly loved him, she would give him time. “We cannot move so quickly, Lasha. I won’t allow it. When we reconciled, you moved quickly from Luke to myself. He had just left you. I didn’t doubt your feelings, then, Laura, and I still won’t. But, perhaps the reason its always been so easy for you to leave me is because I always return to you soon after you’ve broken up with Luke.”
He paused. “I have told you the solemn calculations of my mind and my heart. I have laid myself bare to you. And, you have told me you still love me. That’s enough, for now. I shan’t push my luck. “ he hesitated. “Before we go further, I want, if possible, for you to lay yourself bare to me.” he glanced at the sky. “But, not today.”
She titled her head, a questioning glance lifted from her reflective blue eyes. “Are you sure?”
He nodded. “I will not fulfill only my desires, and allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve done that twice before, and look where that’s left us.” he smiled, sadly. ”I love you, Lasha, but I do not wish to repeat the pattern. If we can get past the betrayals and the lies, I want this turn to be built on something solid.”
“Then, I’ll head over to Kelly’s.” she paused. “Goodbye, Stefan.” she moved, hesitantly standing.
He looked at her again, and his smile came soft. “Good day, Laura.” And, he watched as she walked away.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Laura Spencer visited Stefan at Wyndemere only a week later. For the past week, their conversation had haunted her every move. She couldn’t do anything right. Business meetings had flopped, conversation between herself and Scotty or Mac had been paused...she couldn’t function well the way they had left it.
All the way to the docks, and all along the boat ride to the haunted island, Laura kept telling herself to go back home. But, in some ways, she was just like Stefan Cassadine. She couldn’t leave it where they had left it, saying they loved each other but not committing.
He had told her that if there was to be anything between us, she must lay herself bare to him, as well. And, if there was any chance of maintaining her sanity by offering this, then she would.
Laura’s feet treaded the walkway up to Wyndemere, quickly and with a set purpose. She would remain resolute.
She rang the doorbell, and was not surprised to find Stefan’s hospitable Mrs. Lansbury on the other end. Mrs. Lansbury, however, was surprised to see her master’s ex-mistress standing at the front door, nervously twisting her purse stings in one hand.
She peered at Laura. “Mrs. Spencer?”
Laura smiled. “Is Stefan here?”
The woman paused a moment, as if debating whether Laura was there on good intentions. And, deciding that she was, smiled. “Yes, I’ll go get him. Make yourself comfortable.”
Laura entered into the front room, and took a seat on the dark couch. She was reminiscent as she looked around the unchanged furnishings. Their relationship hadn’t been without problems, but there had been times in this room when she had been overcome with love and passion for the regent of the Cassadine fortune. And because she still loved him, those happier times were pulling at her with more force than before.
A moment later, Stefan entered the room. Perplexing had entered his strong face, his dark suit neatly pressed as usual, and his glasses set at the tip of his nose. Laura recalled, with sudden fondness, how cute she had always thought those glasses looked on him. “Laura?” he only said that, coming towards her. Laura knew he was asking her why she was there.
She stood to answer him. “I don’t like things the way we left them.” she told him. “You tell me you love me, and explain everything that’s happened to you. I tell you I love you and beckon to you, and you walk away. You told me I must lay myself bare to you, if there’s to be anything. I’m here to do that.”
He questioned her with his eyes, trying to decide if she was telling the truth. Concluding that she had told him her true intentions, he gestured to the couch. “Will you sit, then?”
She sat, and after a moment, he sat beside her. They turned to face each other, and Stefan began uncertainly. “Well?”
She spoke seriously, knowing he would endeavor to keep from interrupting. “I won’t start from the very beginning of my life, like you did. I don’t think it colors the way I’ve been towards you. If it does, I don’t see the connection. So I guess I’ll start with the island...” she trailed off, slowly, giving him an opening.
But, Stefan only regarded her with quiet curiosity. So, after a moment, she started. “When I was kidnapped, I was a newlywed. I hadn’t been with Luke for very long. I had given up everything to be with him. I wasn’t thrilled with being taken to some Grecian island against my will, and partnered with a man I only knew by his insane father. Not to insult your family...”
“Its quite all right.” he told her, quickly. “My father was insane by the time you knew him. You only speak your truth. Continue, please.”
“Stavros was obsessive, Helena was vindictive, the staff was indifferent and I was young. I wanted my husband back, of course. But, you made things a lot better for me.” she paused. “Don’t get the wrong idea, Stefan. It was never clear in my mind, then, that you were an alternative to Luke. We became friends because you were the only kind person I had met. I was lonely and I needed an ally. But, I became lovers with you because I had fallen in love with you.” she took his breath, and caught his eye. Nothing reflected back to her and he remained silent.
Laura continued. “I had thought Luke was dead. Finding out he was alive revived me. I had a way home, and a husband waiting for me. I had let go of the pain of losing my true love.” Laura thought she saw him flinch, but he said nothing. “But, now that he was back, I wanted him more than anything. I was young; I was foolish. I didn’t really think of Nikolas’s needs beyond knowing that you would protect our child. And, I didn’t even pause to reflect on how much it could pain you if I left. I knew you loved me, and I loved you, too. But, Luke was more important to me, at that moment. He was important enough for me to let go of a life I had already begun to lead.”
“You asked me, once, what would have happened if there was no Luke. If I could’ve loved you if Luke didn’t exist. I evaded the question at the time, telling you that Luke did exist and he wasn’t going anywhere. But, the truth is, I didn’t want to say it then. If Luke had remained dead, I would’ve stayed with you.”
She saw the flicker in his eyes, but Stefan would not say anything until she was done. “I saw Luke at the mayor’s house, and I ran to him. The moment I was in his arms, I was happy. But, not as happy as I had expected to be. His embrace was strong but without that gentle, fierce tenderness that I had grown accustomed to. I missed you. And, I didn’t feel complete without my son at my side. My initial plan was to tell Luke of my son after he had gotten used to my existence. But, when I saw his hatred of all things Cassadine in full force, when Stavros came to Port Charles for me, I knew I could tell him nothing.”
“I grew to love him, again, and I tried to make it as deep as I had before. Did I remember you and Nikolas? Of course. Especially when Luke and I were traveling. I would remember that you traveled a lot, and I would wonder if you might be somewhere near me, holding my son...somewhere in that airport, or on that street in New York, or London. But, living and making yourself fall back in love with one person, while recalling two others, is a painful way to live. I’m certain you know that. With time, I learned to be Luke’s once more. As a matter of fact, I learned how to be Luke’s so well, I couldn’t do anything but be Luke’s girl. Luke’s wife, waiting patiently with his child in my arms. And, once Lucky was born, I had a real place in Luke Spencer’s family. Even when a small part of me might’ve yearned for the people I had left behind, I would look across the table at Luke, or into Lucky’s smiling eyes, and push it so far down - I lost it.”
“When I called you to Port Charles, when Lulu was having that medical crisis, my feelings towards you weren’t dead. They were just dormant. Like yours, you’ve said. I had no idea that you still wanted me. I didn’t know that I would still want you. My primary concern was for my child. But, when I saw you again, the first time in 16 years, something changed in me, again.”
“You had raised Nikolas to be a strong, caring gentleman. Although, at first, he wouldn’t give me the time of day, it was obvious he cared deeply for you and Leslie Lu. He was openly hostile to me and it was painful to even see him; to know I had caused him so much pain and regret. But, I knew he cared for people. And, I was certain you had somehow taught him that in the face of Helena. You can hide who you truly are from so many people, Stefan, but I know you. You could help him care for his own mother.”
“What I didn’t understand, yet, was that you would reawaken everything I had felt for you. All of those times you talked to me, before and after Katherine’s disappearance, I didn’t always tell you the complete truth. I would fight you off with a stick, if I had to. I clung desperately to Luke and Lucky. But, despite my feelings towards my family, I wanted you. Someone told me once that love never dies, it just falls asleep. Maybe that is what it was with you. I thought I had gotten over you, but I never did. I just fooled myself enough until my lies were so deeply ingrained, they were my truths. And, when Luke left me, it made my life a lot easier to go to you and your waiting arms. I didn’t pause to think that I was on a rebound, and I couldn’t sort out my feelings so quickly. I didn’t wonder if I could be with you, completely, when I was still so deeply entangled with Luke. I didn’t worry about what could happen to you if I took a step back. To be honest, I was so hurt by Luke and Lucky’s disgust of me, I couldn’t think about your feelings, too. Stefan, I’m sorry.”
“What’s past is past.” he answered. “I never blamed you for moving quickly.”
“But I hurt you.”
He didn’t deny her comment. After a troubled expression passed through her eyes, Laura allowed herself to continue. Her voice trembled when she spoke. “I don’t know why I was surprised when you committed questionable acts, or denied them. I knew you, and I knew the type of person you were. You weren’t vindictive to anyone unless you thought they deserved it. But, you also weren’t perfect. You never told me if you poisoned Helena, but if you did I wasn’t about to punish you for that. Helena deserves everything that’s coming to her. And, I knew why you couldn’t say, at first, that Nikolas wasn’t your biological son. It must’ve been so painful for you to even entertain the idea that the child, you had always believed was yours, really wasn’t.”
“The problem was that, although I was estranged from Luke and in love with you, a part of me still found Luke to be that all-perfect hero of truth and justice. When he told me about Lucky, I had trouble believing him. But, when you didn’t deny that you knew Lucky was alive, everything crystallized for me. If you had known my son was alive, without telling me, how did I know that everything else wasn’t a lie?” she paused. “Perhaps I should’ve known, simply because I know you. I used to be fairly certain that you would never harm me or my children, never intentionally.”
He spoke, regretfully. His eyes briefly left her “I thought you knew that, too.”
“Its difficult to lead a lifetime with someone, and not have his beliefs rub off on you. Although I recalled you, Stefan, you could not be innocent until proven guilty. It was the exact opposite; your acts would prove Luke wrong and show everyone the person that I knew you were. But, the truth about Lucky froze me in my path. I couldn’t understand why you would have my child, unless you were doing exactly what Luke said you would always do. But, I also didn’t try to prove your innocence. I didn’t ask myself what your motives were. All I knew is that you lied to me about Lucky, my son and a subject of great importance. Maybe you had known all along; maybe you had been lying to me.”
“For my own safety, and the safety of my family, I clung to Luke. He would protect my family and I from the Cassadine mind games. I ignored my feelings towards you, desperately, but it was only instinct that sent me clutching Luke’s coattails.” she paused, and almost smiled nervously. “I’m beginning to talk like you, aren’t I?”
He smiled, but it was still solemn. “Laura, you have an elegance ingrained in your speech. You always did. I always believed it was Luke who made you sound so crude and unrefined. It was not in your nature to be like that.”
“Well, Luke isn’t the best person to teach diction. That, I’ll readily admit.” she turned serious again. “What I wasn’t willing to understand was that Luke didn’t want me. When I saw Felecia admit she had slept with my husband, it pained me. I don’t know why; its not as if I hadn’t done the same thing months before and moved on with my life. Or, at least I had thought I moved on. I couldn’t admit to myself that I had been unfair to you.” her eyes caught his.
“I cried when I thought you were dead, but only once. I wouldn’t admit to myself that you were still important to me. I wanted that betrayal to remain a righteous reason. So, I made myself forget you and tried to be friends with Scotty, light-hearted and happily. You and Luke were both going to remain mistakes. But, I couldn’t be happy with him.”
She entreated him to watch her. “I love you. I never stopped. I only tried to move out of the limelight. I know you love me, and when I began to really think about it, very recently, I realized what I should have known all along. I have no reason to fear you.”
“What about Helena?” he paused, and took in a deep breath. The next time he spoke, it seemed to cost him a great deal of his energy. “What about protecting your family from the Cassadines, and my war with Luke?”
“I know that you are eager to protect those you care about. If I hadn’t known before, your confession last week highlighted your true feelings regarding Alexis and Nikolas. You would never hurt them, or risk it. I know you will never hurt me.”
He allowed a hopeful smile. “You will love me, then, and trust me?”
Light filtered through her clear blue eyes, reminding Stefan of a stained glass window. “Do you trust me?”
He nodded. “You have restored it.”
“And, you have restored mine.” she smiled at him, warmly. “I will do whatever you want me to do, Stefan. We can go from where we left off, or start over.”
“I would prefer to start over.” he replied. His smile suddenly became certain and lit his features. “But, for the moment, may I just hold you?”
She smiled, and slid closer to him, relaxing once more into his embrace. She felt warm and protected and loved, folded deep within his strong arms. They did not kiss for the moment. They didn’t need to. They were starting over.
But, he held her closely just the same. “I think it is the first time you’ve ever entered my embrace with such freedom.”
She smiled up at him. “It won’t be the last.” she told him. “I firmly vow to trust you, and move slowly with you, every step of the way. I will keep far away from Luke, and you shall protect me from everything else.” her smile suddenly turned mischievous. “Or, at least, from what I will not battle on my own.”
He smiled. “Happily.” And, he gently kissed her.
And, for the moment, that was all they needed.
