M3 Celebrity Jeopardy, Episode I
(Studio lights go on, music plays)
(Trebek looks to the camera) "Hello, I'm Alex Trebek. Today's show is paid for by Aegis Defensive Technologies. ... I'll withhold comment. Moving on to our contestants:"
(Camera pans to ... DeVry. A Jane is standing nearby, with black lipstick and makeup. Obviously, the one with a goth-quote-generator embedded in her AI.)
(Trebek) "Doctor Landon Eustace DeVry. And you'll be representing what charity today, doctor?"
(DeVry) "The Sunshine Foundation for the Procurement of Human Subjects for Bizarre Experiments to Prolong My Tortured Existence."
(Trebek) "...wow. And there with you? Your ... daughter?"
(DeVry) "No. She is a mere female drone."
(Jane) "Dark sunlight washes the shadow, darkening pitch to soul-burning black frost."
(Trebek) "...our next contestant, Doctor Albert Wily."
(DeVry) "A true lord amongst men! His very name is synonymous with GENIUS!"
(Trebek) "Right. And you are representing which charity, Doctor?"
(Wily) "Evil!"
(Trebek) "That's not a charity."
(Wily) "Sure it is! Just ask EVIL MAN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
(As Wily throws his head back, cackling with insane glee, DeVry claps his manipulator arms together in the world's freakiest golf-clap)
(DeVry) "Brilliant! Brilliant! I bow at your feet, Herr Doctor!"
(DeVry pauses, and whacks Jane over the head with a battleclaw) "Bow, insolent female!"
(Jane bows) "Darkness consumes my soul."
(Trebek) "And next we have Doctor Thomas Xav-"
(Wily raises a goblet of ... blood?)
(Wily) "Gentlemen! To evil!"
(DeVry raises another goblet) "To evil!"
(Jane stares blankly) "The blood of the innocent flows sweetly down the throats of tyrant-butchers."
(Trebek double-takes) "Where did you get tho-...I don't want to know. As I was saying, Doctor Thomas Xavier Light. Representing what charity?"
(Light) "The Mega Man Robot Naming Committee."
(Trebek) "I see."
(Wily) "COMMITTEE MAN! BWAHAHAHA!"
(Trebek facepalms) "Our categories...Potent Potables, The Robot War, Category Man..."
(Wily) "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
(DeVry) "Brilliant, sir!"
(Trebek sweatdrops and yanks the paper down)
(Trebek) "...Robot Masters, Evil, Good, Musical Names, and Immortality. Doctor Light, you have control of the board."
(Light) "Hmm. I'll take Rock and Roll for 300."
(Trebek) "That's not a category."
(Light) "Ah. Ungrateful Factions Stricken by Childish Infighting for 500? Oh, wait. I already HAVE one of those."
(Trebek) "...next on the list, Doctor DeVry."
(DeVry) "IMMORTALITY! I MUST HAVE IT!"
(Trebek) "At what dollar amount?"
(DeVry) "AT ANY PRICE!"
(Trebek) "...Immortality at 300. In classical mythology, these two items, the food of the gods, granted immortality to those who ate them."
(Light buzzes in)
(Light) "Rock and Roll!"
(Trebek) "NO!"
(DeVry buzzes in)
(DeVry) "Castor and Pollux!"
(Trebek) "FOOD! I said /FOOD/!"
(DeVry bangs his fists on his podium)
(DeVry) "Fate mocks me once more!"
(Trebek sighs) "Ambrosia and Nectar. AMBROSIA AND NECTAR. Doctor Light, you have control."
(Light) "Sissyboy Berserkers Who Corrupt My Dear Boy for 500? ... oh, wait, no. Nobody thinks about /that/. Good for 500."
(Trebek rolls his eyes)
(Trebek) "Jeremy Bentham espoused utilitarianism, or striving for the greatest quantity of this."
(Wily buzzes in) "EVIL!"
(Trebek) "Get help. No!"
(Light buzzes in) "Musical punnery?"
(Trebek) "I don't think that's a word."
(DeVry buzzes in) "Only a female would write such an illogical entry!"
(Trebek) "Thank you for that heartwarming display of misogyny. The answer is /GOOD/. The category was Good, and the answer was GOOD."
(Light) "I'll take Good for 300?"
(Trebek) "This is the opposite of good."
(Wily) "WHAT IS EVIL?!"
(Trebek) ".......yes. Yes. That is, incredibly, correct."
(Wily) "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MAYBE ANSWER MAN TOLD ME?!"
(DeVry) "Good one, sir!"
(Wily) "I'll take ... mmmyess, Robot Masters for 500!"
(Trebek) "His name makes you think of gay porn. But be honest, you were thinking of gay porn already, weren't you? ... who wrote this?"
(Seanbaby Man teleports in)
(Disco ball starts to spin and light up)
(Seanbaby Man) "We meet at last, Wily!"
(Wily gacks) "No!"
(Seanbaby Man charges up his Glitter Blaster, then pauses) "Rowrr. Who's the hot babe 'bot?"
(Jane) "Tormented, I languish in agony punctuated only by my soul's howls of lament."
(Seanbaby Man winks) "I love it when chicks talk dirty."
(Jane blinks, then giggles girlishly and runs up to him.)
(Seanbaby Man gives a thumbs-up before teleporting off with her.)
(Disco ball vanishes)
(Trebek stares at the camera) "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! A COMMERCIAL!"
(Screen blinks over to ads, as Trebek breaks down in sobs)
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