TO: GENERAL, SUPREME COMMANDING OFFICER
FROM: COMMANDER DANCE DANCE REACTIONARY, MARINES
RE: TACTICAL BRIEFING ON FORTRESS ASSAULT SCENARIO KXG-1138
TEXT:
Sir, we have completed the examination of this scenario, as requested, implementing the latest in Practical MU*-Based Combat Research.
Regarding the possibility of a substantial force approaching our flank. (Image of battlefield) There are indeed over 10,000 Maverick Regulars in this formation. However, they are 100 percent 'gumbie'. Hence, we reccomend the dispatching of a single trooper with 'PC' designation. He or she will fight valiantly, and after making some great sacrifice, destroy this entire force personally.
With regard to the field generator net, capable of withstanding even sustained artillery bombardment, we have produced another two effecient schemes to deactivate it.
The first calls for a small band of special operations individuals. 2 or 3 of 'PC' designation and 5 or 6 of 'gumbie' designation should fit the bill. All of the latter will die horrible deaths, inspiring the 'PC' designated troopers to victory. Given that they are 'good guys' 'working as a team' 'to win a major victory that will call for excessive explosions and pyrotechnics' 'made more determined by the deaths of their compatriots during the mission' and 'heroes on whom the fate of the aforementioned good guys depends', they have a nearly 100 percent success probability.
The second plan calls for a small child (kawaii factor must exceed 4.8 x 10^31 units of 'aww' per second), preferably with 'PC' designation to enable greater allowable angst radiance (must exceed 2.5 x 10^20 units of sympathy per second). This child will be placed on the battlefield (recall the Defensive Aura Property of Mega-Kawaii Principle; the aforementioned variables should provide complete and total protection from all threats lacking in more than 2.9 x 10^94 'evil bad guy scheming' units per unit TP focus). The child will then cry and wish that everyone would get along. Kawaii Acoustics being what they are, this crying will be undeniably audible for at least four parsecs. The combined Kawaii-Factor and the symbolic disruption of the lives of the innocent will easily overwhelm most fields. If the field persists, inducing the child to wail for his or her maternal unit will guarantee defensive matrix breakdown.
Further data will come as it is processed. However, Whipcrack Octopus is giving out lollies.
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