The terror I feel is mind blowing
There is no length that I would not go for you
I'm sorry that our end had to be so close
Because I'm wondering what if...
Remember that saying "that it was better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all!"?
Well, I'm thinking, all along,
That it was true.
The things that you've shown to me
The paranoia you've instilled in me
The lengths you went, all this time
The way you've helped me grow...to love me
The ability you've given me to understand fully...
The things that I never knew.
I always had hoped it would last forever.
Always had hoped you'd fully be there.
But all in all, maybe this is a good lesson.
A way for me to see how well I can survive

But why don't I want to?
Why do I fear?
I tremble at the thought of you gone,
Away,
From me.
I know "you're still here."
But not what as I intended
Who will I confide in?
Who can I trust?
Who can I go to for strength?
Who do I go to look up to?
You say you'll hope you can still be around.
But I'm so in pain because I'm deathly afraid.

My worst fear...
For many years,
Was that I would be abandoned...
Be left to be alone...
Though thousands surround me,
All of them somehow can hurt me
And I am so distraught over the feeling
That it hurts for me to look on.
My life is going to be so different without you...
Lost in this world,
Circling my drain

Our last week together,
Will be harder than ever.
I don't know how upbeat I can be!
Considering of what threatens me.
This is going to be treacherous.
On all us three
The only way I know how to deal, is by crying and zoning out.

Why are things so bad?
Is God punishing me?
In my past life, did I seriously beat up a cripple?
Well?
There's no other explanation!

How the hell is it going to work now?

I remember, one time,
When I was much younger,
That you came and told me that you were going to leave,
Forever.
That you would never see me again.
That night,
As I laid alone in my grandmother's bed,
I felt a pain similar to this.
Not remotely as deep, but it was concerning a loss,
I remember, that I cried myself to sleep that night.
What I did just yesterday.
And what I'll be doing tonight.
I already miss everything about you
And I hope that this works out to everyone's advantage
Probably not.
But thing had to change.
Everyone knew it.
And with changes, comes disagreements on ideas.
And I am DEFINETLY not approving of your actions.
But accepting them,
Because they must be done for some reason,
Annoying as that reason might be!
You always had the most brilliant realizations.

I will always be in debt to you.
Your love is something that I will always remember.
And I think I will always be heard saying that
Because, from what I've seen, people are all out to use and abuse.
Hopefully, by what I've learned from you,
I can go through life
And not get jerked around.
But like I said - who can I trust?

I'm breaking down
Because nobody's around
I love you like you could never imagine
For god sakes,
My worst fear is losing none other,
Todd, my worst fear is occurring!!
The pain is so excruciating.
I know why this is all happening...
But I'll never accept it.
You SO don't know my state of mind.
There's no solution.

But I want you to know,
To have comfort in this.
That I'm not going to run searching for comfort.
Not to a guy at least.
There wouldn't be one worth my time anyways
I'm trying my best to be strong.
But this is hard to play off.
I was never good at emotional conflicts.
And this is the worst kind of all...

I miss you, already
And I'm dying to see how the hell this is going to all work out.
I really find that hard to believe.
The possibility,
That it can.

I miss
I love
I need
I cry
I distress
I depress
I'm frantic in all hopes

All my wishes used to be about my mom and me...
Now they're all about you staying.
On every star
In all the heavens
In every part of my body that hurts.
I wish for new hope.
In something
For all that existed
I wish that you would stay with me.

But you're not going to...
Because you just cant.
And I'll try to understand,
But it won't come easy.
And with what you're doing, I full-heartedly disagree.
But that's just because I'm being self-fish.

But I like change,
Changes are good,
So, change your mind!!

Because I'm here being left feeling alone.

Written by: Stephanie J.

Dedicated to Todd on 3-5-01 at 12:00 pm

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