The days went on
and the occurances greatened
My life was spiriling
The respect wasn't there.
I never learned how important that power was.
Never appreciated myself enough.
I felt an obligation
For the others' satisfaction.
Disillusioned by my ill sensed direction

Lost in my trap of lies
I made it seem that this was my life intended.
Confused by the past that haunted me
I carried all of my hurt on my shoulders.

Relief.
My break came out of hurt and sorrow.
Because of my lack of respect,
I had lost others as well.
Yet one in particular.
That girl that meant the world to me.
Honestly, the only one that still held faith.
She went out of her way to help me
And into my mind she climbed her way up.
Friend, advisor, and confidant.
I had everything for me.
She even got me to try for myself

But I still felt the need to stray
Recieving the urge to dissappoint.
I succeeded while hurting her and I alike.
Through her total loss of contempt with me
She belittled me and told me I was a joke.
The moment the words came out of her mind
My body stopped and I stared blankly.
My heart jerked and tore just enough
To leave me hanging in utter depression
My eyes teared at the realization of her disapproval
My heart urned for another chance

How dare I do such a thing?
Hurt my friend just because I was the weakling
Disrespect her guidance by reasoning of insolence
I knew I had lost it all
My actions stole her respect away
Left with nothing I drifted to thought...
What was the possible reason behind hurting myself?
Loosing an honorable companion,
Lacking self respect,
and simply being used?
Why had I let this happen to me?
How could I do this to her?
When she put all the mischief behind...
Actually believing that I was trying.
Realistically thinking that I would succeed.
but it was all or nothing
and I didn't have shit

The last time I failed
The world turned upside down
My whole perception of myself changed in a matter of minutes.
People still deny the fact.
Still call me degrating names
Yet I know the true meaning of where my level of respect lies.
So high that I can't even grasp it.
Filling me through with actual contemptness
Sobering me with the thought that I'm not such a mess.

I've finally done it.
and the reward is bliss.
Knowing that I'm true to myself
Is the most I could ever ask for.
The greatest gift ever given to me would be...
the fact that I had to loose so much to earn something so basic.
Slowly though, I'm trying to regain what I lost from her.
Trying to prove myself to the one that stands for reality.
Going that much further out of my way
Just to be who I am now.
Who I will be proud to hold up
And to who I will not fall under pressure to.

I've conquered myself
My selfish, degrating past.
Now I'm starting new
With a fresh mind
And a renewed spirit.
My heart may finally end its aching.
Thanks to none other
Then who lit the fire.

dedicated to: Allison D. on 8-7-01

written by: Stephanie J.

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