Cemetery

~

His car sounds uncharacteristically quiet to him today, the usual roar dulled to something low and soft. Maybe it's responding to his mood, the quiet depression that he's been dealing with since midnight. He's slipped away from the house for a few moments, Aya was sick but one of the others could take care of him for a couple hours. There was something he had to do. Today...

I didn't think I'd be alive today, even a week ago. Now look at me. Welcomed back by Aya and given a place after wandering for so long. Things change so quickly sometimes...

He brought flowers, flowers and a laughing picture of the two of them together from some amusement park back in Tokyo. She'd appreciate that. The car falling silent and he slips out, grabbing the bouquet and photo and looking around.

I hate places like this.

~

The silent thud of boots on carefully-kept walkways as he enters the cemetery. Her body wasn't here, no, but he'd erected a headstone in her memory when they first came here, months ago. Something simple, an elegant curve of marble with her name and the date of her death. The last one. Quiet and simple and beautiful, just like she was.

And I find myself drawn to her even in death..will I ever be able to forget, even if I don't lose myself in misery? Is it possible that someday I might be able to think about what happened and not..hurt..?

Because despite the happiness of the last few days it hurts, hurts so badly at times he wants nothing more than to go lose himself in alcohol and drugs and women, but he can't. He won't. Won't endanger the beauty he's found, the thing that's flowered in the last couple of days with his housemates. Still your shaking hands Kudou, and continue.

He does, down paths and through trees towards the isolated corner where her stone rests.

~

The stone lies off the path, in a small corner close to the fence but hidden from the outside world by shrubbery. Sinking down in front of it and just staring at the name for a moment, eyes tracing the five letters as if by staring he could erase them both from the marble and from his mind.

Asuka..

The name spoken in his mind brings the smallest smile as well as the miniscule needle of hot pain in his stomach, wonderful and terrible memories all at once. Laying the flowers down in front of the stone, white because she'd always talked about someone bringing white roses to lay on her grave someday.

And I laughed, told her that she wouldn't die, that they'd discover some cure for death before we got old. Told her to be quiet and kiss me and didn't want to know more..didn't want to think about her ever dying and leaving me.

~

"Here you go beautiful. Three years now, and I'm still coming back, even though you always told me that if you left I'd find someone else in a heartbeat. You're not so easy to forget, you know?"

Fingers dance out and caress over the curved top of the stone, an odd little half-smile accompanying his words. He has to speak out loud, has to make sure she hears him wherever she is. Falling to rub over her name, over the date. Three years to this day, and it feels like it was yesterday that his hands were...

No..

It's no time for that sort of memory now. Arranging the roses idly and sitting there, as if in amiable silence with an old friend, which in a way he supposes it is. Friend, lover, partner..everything and more. And he'd killed her.

~

"..I brought a picture of us. Remember that day at the park, when I convinced you to squeeze into that photo booth with me? You were protesting, talking about how you were sunburned and dirty..but you looked beautiful, you always did to me.."

Setting the photo against the stone now after looking at it. He remembers that moment so well, standing behind her with his arms around her waist, stooped to rest his chin on her shoulder. Laughing green eyes slanted down like he was saying something, hers straight forwrd and direct as always. There was another right after, a kiss captured on film but that..that he couldn't let go of so easily.

"Remember Aya? I told you about him when I came last year, you know..and you ran into him when you were..changed..anyways..I'm living with him now. Him and Crawford and those Schwarz guys. Funny, isn't it? It still makes me pause every couple of minutes to think about it. I finally got to kiss him.."

~

"..I'm...happy..really happy, for the first time in a while, you know? It feels strange to feel such joy again, and for the reasons I do. I'm settling down finally, don't care that I can't go have sex with anything on two legs because if I do, Aya will be gone. He's..so different from you, but similar. Just as practical as you, but he doesn't laugh as much. More than he used to though.."

Thoughts fly to the redheaded swordsman for a moment and his body relaxes, that same smile returning to dance over his lips before he look back to where his hand rests on the gravestone. Continuing to speak, his voice hesitant as if waiting for an answer.

"Am I forgiven now? Aya said I shouldn't blame myself, that it wasn't you but something someone else had made you. Can I finally rest, Asuka, without you haunting my dreams after a few hours? Please...Every day I've lived since then has been filled with you. Don't hate me more because someone else has started to intrude. Two people.."

~

His hand moves now from the stone to his upper arm, gripping over the tattoo there and falling into silence for a few minutes. Has he learned yet, what sin brings? Heartache and agonizing pain, but also..hope?..hope for redemption and for love that he hadn't thought he'd ever deserve. Is he being ungrateful, enjoying these things when the one he loved first is dead, through his own actions?

"I..had planned to join you today...it would have been so easy. A few more pills, a slice of a kitchen knife over my wrists, and I would have been at your side. I didn't care if you were going to accuse me or not..I just..ah..I miss you so much sometimes, the way I remember you.."

Tears coming now, he bows his head against them, goldbrown hair concealing them from the gaze of the ghosts that walk this place. Thoughts of her in every situation flowing liquid through his memory as they fall, turning green quiet into luminous emerald crystal, pooling and spilling down his cheeks as he whispers..

"I miss you.."

~

"You should be here..!..you should be laughing and teasing me about Aya and you're not. It isn't right without you, isn't the same without hearing your comments on every situation. Why did you leave me, why did you leave me?!"

Slamming a fist against the stone with a hard crunch of knuckles against marble, the hand dropping back to his lap as he bends forward and just..weeps..there's nothing else he can do now, no words that he can say that can make any sort of difference. Leaning forward, forehead resting against the cool whiteness, tears staining bronze cheeks with clear streams.

"Every night I've been tortured, having to watch those last few moments over and over again until even the alcohol and the drugs don't do anything. Isn't it enough yet? HAVEN'T I DONE MY PENANCE!? Am I absolved yet..?"

His voice rises to a cry on a few of those words, anger and an unspeakable pain that twists in his throat for a moment and threatens to choke the air from him.

~

.."..Can't I enjoy this happiness, finally? Will you give me that much, at least? Just a few moments to sink into love again so I'm not alone again. I can't..stand..the idea of being alone again, even if I do have your memories. I'm weak, I know..I shouldn't care, I shouldn't..but..ah..I need it, Asuka..please."

He's asking for so much with that single word. Forgiveness and her blessing all at the same time, her well-wishes for what he's entered into. It wouldn't feel right without knowing she approved, that she wanted him to...

His head lifts suddenly, realising that for once there's no furious voice in his head, for a few minutes now there's been none of that pressing guilt that threatens to pull him down. A voice of whispered wonder as he stares at her name engraved there..

"Is this what you wanted, Asuka? Is this..have I been missing it for so long? Did you just want me to find this..?..This love, this..happiness that I haven't known since you died? Was it always right in front of me like this, was it always just..my own blindness..that made me suffer?"

~

"..is that why you're not crying out at me now? Because you know I'm finally content, finally peaceful? Have I done it, have I found forgiveness...? Did I ever really need it? Everything I've done..all the drinks, all the women, all the pain...have I brought that on myself, when all you wanted was to see me happy?"

Whispering still, brilliant green eyes locked on her name there as his uninjured hand rises to caress the face of the stone like he would have caressed the face of the woman it remembered. The other, knuckles bloody, rising for a moment to hover over his heart before falling back into his lap.

"For the past three years..have I just been deluding myself, telling myself you hated me, all because I couldn't see myself with anyone but you? Has my pain been a lie I've told myself? No..it's..real, I know that is at least. But your hate, was that an illusion I made to punish myself? Am I really forgiven so easily?"

~

"...was there ever anything to forgive....?"

His face suddenly seems radiant, as if he's come to a realisation of something so great it lights him from the inside and can't be contained. His voice even softer now when he speaks, wonder contained in the tone, wonder and a beautiful note of hope.

"That's...that's it, isn't it..love needs no forgiveness, love speaks for itself and heals everything. There's the answer to all the questions, to all the guilt..there was never anything to forgive, because...you loved me..and I loved you...am I right? Have I found the answer finally, after this long? In love, are all things erased..?"

~

"That's it, isn't it..everything is forgiven by love. Nothing else matters because love takes it all away and creates joy in the empty spaces that sadness leaves. You never hated me at all, you..just wanted me to find the happiness to fill those holes. Your words weren't angry at what I did..they were angry because I was still alone, still screaming for your forgiveness at night."

More tears now, flowing crystalline down his cheeks. But they're different, joy and sadness all mixed into something and made indestinguishable from each other. His hand flat on the stone over her name while he speaks, an amazed tone.

"...you loved me so much...more than I ever even imagined, and I.."

Tone lowered to a whisper now, a sweet smile spreading over his lips..

"..ai shiteru Asuka..always...always...even though I love others too, you..are always in my heart..that's where you are now, not my head..but..stored away in the memories we shared..ai shiteru."

~

"My beautiful one..never forgotten, never erased..but..now there's someone else who can ease the emptiness, now there's another gentle hand to take the pain away. Go rest Asuka, your task is over..I'm happy again, so happy..and now..."

Endless tears accompanying the endless clarity of thought, relieved and joyous now because he's finally come to the answer. She never hated him, just wanted him to find what would make him happy, and now...

Repeating softly..

"Go rest..everything will turn out, and someday I'll be there with you. Me, Aya and all the others...greet me with open arms, lovely, when I get there. Have something to say to make me laugh, tease me about Aya and Crawford. But now..now you've finished what you stayed with me to do. Rest..please.."

Lifting his head to press his lips against the marble - right over her name, the name he's cried and moaned and purred happily so many times. It's..finished now, really finished, and the ending isn't the sad one it had seemed would come.

~

"..just a few more moments with you now, before I go back to the others. Just a few minutes to make sure you get home safely.."

Shifting to lean against the side of the headstone, his own head resting against the elegant curve as he rests there. So tired now, after staying up so long to take care of things at the house and after everything that's happened on this visit.

"..may flights of angels bear thee to thy rest.."

Murmured softly, he'd heard the line somewhere and it seemed to fit. He rests now as well, eyes closing, body relaxing against the sun-warmed marble as he drifts off into sleep.

And he has no nightmares.

~finis~


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Characters are the property of
Koyasu Takehito, Project Wei?br>
Original fanfic ? Tendai 2002

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