Church
~
Wandering into a church, silently. Strange, that he'd find himself in a place like this - strange and ironic. The words in his mind before he can think to stop them as he pauses in the doorway..
Weiss Kreuz.
A deeper meaning in this place, perhaps, but nonetheless a meaning. What the hell is he doing here? Is he, the great Yohji, searching for some peace with a god he doesn't believe in? The questions in his head elliciting a laugh, quiet, as he sits down near the back.
~
Asuka.....
Another thought, bearing just as much sorrowful happiness as the one preceding it, slips through. Lips form around the name silently as he leans forward, resting his arms on the back of the pew in front of him.
"..what am I doing here...?"
A quiet, general question, perhaps. Asking more about his presence in life than about his presence in the holy building.
~
"Thirteen more days now, beautiful..and then.."
And then what? He doesn't know what might happen on that day, that hideous anniversary he tortures himself with every year. Will this one pass by too, leaving the guilt to grow day by day for another twelve months?
Or will it not go away this time..
Musing quietly in his head.
~
"Boku ni wa yasashisugita no ka naa?
Mukashi no torauma wo utsushi
Saigo no kimi made kowashita boku wa sado?"
The words, murmured softly. Odd, how songs always seemed to fit so well into life, how the pain of something could be expressed with a rise of a musician's voice. So true, so very true.
Am I a sadist?
The line repeats softly in his head.
~
How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
Cause there's something I should have told you
Yeah, there's something I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes
More lyrics trailing like fire through his head, more words put down by others to describe pain. It eats at him, sometimes, that other people can give voice to what he's feeling better than he can.
All he can do is sit there, staring down at the glossy wood of the pew as music rushes through him, reminding him of everything that happened.
Everything he did.
~
He can't pray - it's not in his nature. God doesn't exist for him, either to hate or to love. He's alone in this world, has to make it on his own without some benevolent or malevolent creator stepping in when things get too easy or too tough. More..more songs..
I had a dream that I could fly
I can feel each moment as time goes by
We'd never be too far away,
You would always be here, I heard you say..
This one brings bitterness, the last line stirring up his resentment. It was his fault, his fault, but she said she wouldn't go..they'd work together forever, until old age claimed them..it wouldn't be like this.
~
The temptation to join her where she is is only momentary, she wouldn't welcome him. The afterlife isn't as beautiful a thought when her face appears accusingly at the end of the tunnel, screaming his sins at him
Sin..
At the thought his hand rises, gripping his left arm..covering the tattoo hidden under the trenchcoat as he repeats the rest of the line in his head.
..will you ever learn?
~
Visions flash behind closed lids as he hunches there, from his viewpoint..hands thrust out, gleaming wire and a slender neck - a face so familiar he almost stops breathing, before she does.
"Asuka..I didn't mean..."
But he did, he did mean to. She couldn't have lived, she couldn't have lived because she was trying to kill him. It wasn't Asuka death had hugged so lovingly, it was the strange Neu she had become..that thing..
..wasn't his Asuka..
~
"Your death is my sin.."
A silent sob shakes the black-covered shoulders, rippling through him as he ponders the words. One of many, one of so many that have added up to the crushing feeling in his chest every time he looks at anyone he knew before.
"So many sins...why did I.."
He hasn't learned, hasn't learned even though the words are tattooed there in starkest black on his upper arm. A silent lecture to others even as he refutes them.
~
Will you ever learn?
No! He won't learn, his life will repeat the cycle of sin and pain again and again, over and over until the day he can finally slip away. Away to meet Asuka's condemning eyes, away..
"Please.."
Begging for forgiveness from a dead woman who speaks only in his head, speaks only words of harsh accusation. Nothing different comes now, nothing at all..nothing..
..how sweet it would be if it was simply nothing.
~
His steps are slow, agonizing slowness, as he gets up from the pew. This place isn't for him, isn't for people who have done what he's done.
Who have seen the bloody face of the one they loved.
Not a place for people like him.
...and he's gone.
~finis~
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Characters are the property of
Koyasu Takehito, Project Wei?br>
Original fanfic ? Tendai 2002
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...return...