Gardens

~

He'd taken her to a place like this once. Walked with her between carefully-kept trees and the silent beauty of rocks. At the end he'd said 'I love you'..and while she said nothing in return, the look in her eyes said everything. Remembering for a moment the joy in that moment, whispering in his head

Only seven more days..

Quiet ghost of a smile passing over his face, he's still not sure what that day will bring. The nightmares have gotten worse lately, all glittering wire and the pale column of a throat bound in silver. His anguished cry echoing as she died with that bastards name on her lips

~

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know, never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love
If it should be that way..

More lyrics speeding through his mind, washing the thoughts away for a moment with their passing. But they'll come back, they always do. The moment he lets his guard down the images and the memories wrap themselves around his mind again like a cat curled lazy in a beam of sunlight.

Love had a colour. The colour was white, endless white. That word has so many meanings now, so many different pains to nag him with. Love was clean but easy to stain, like blood on crisp white sheets. Blood on the pavement. Her blood.

~

Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn, tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer
Is this forever..?"

Forever was the week that waited in front of him, endless days teasing and crying out 'can't catch me!' before slipping out of his grasp. Like a child at Christmas he waits impatiently, screaming a name at night that he can't bear to speak when he's awake. Fingers curving swift around the neck of women in his bed, pushing them away in disgust.

Disgust at himself and what he's become in his vigil till that day. At his indecision over what will happen then. She would laugh now, if she saw him. Is laughing. Laughing at his weakness, at his guilt over what he did.

~

Like a river flowing to the sea
You'll be miles away
And I will know
I know I can deal with the pain
No reason to cry.

What a lie. Dealing with the pain has never been his strong point. He's run from it until now, run at the speed his wire coiled around her throat. Then suddenly in the past month it's all come back, after he glanced at the calendar one day and realised how soon it was.

Every year the same thing, the agony and the guilt assailing him, beating down the calm of his mental state. Dragging fingernails over flesh and tearing wounds open, again and again, just to watch the blood flow down. Blood...

~

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know, never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love
If it should be that way.

Blood had dripped from his arm last night. The first cut was accidental, knife scraping lightly over his skin when he was making something to eat. The pain had cut through the haze of depression, however, and the act was repeated intentionally. A long line of blood rising on his right forearm, dripping slowly over bronze skin.

Crimson kissing gold, blood dripping over the elegant shine of money. The money they'd made in their missions. The mission he'd killed her. The name rises in a thought more agonizing than any knife-pain could ever hope to be.

Asuka..!

~

Till the loneliness shadows the sky
I'll be sailing down
And I will know
I know I can clear clouds away
Oh, is it a crime to love?

It wasn't safe for him to love anyone. As soon as he started, something happened to bring either they or him pain. He'd killed Asuka. He'd loved Aya and watched as the man went into the arms of the one who was their enemy. Love himself, for a while, and now he was killing himself with doubt and carelessness.

Does it really matter? Will the world miss you when you're gone? Will Aya care..will the others care..?

His own thoughts, but the voice sounds like hers. The mocking, cruel voice that lingers in his head at times, casting blame and jerking at his nerves. No one would miss him. Aya would be sad for a little while, but he'd forget. The others had a new life, they were happy..

What's wrong with me, that I can't find that?

~

Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn, tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where 's the answer
Is this forever?

It wasn't fair, that the others could adjust so easily into a regular life. He'd always been the one to joke about getting out of Wei? about the women he'd date and the clubs he'd go to. And when it happened, he'd been left most alone. Ken and Omittchi had gone away to their lives and Aya had gone with Crawford.

He remembers those few weeks alone in the house so well. The silence of Koneko no Sumu Ie beneath the flat, all the flowers long-gone or long-dead. He hadn't bothered to open the shop, it wouldn't feel right without the others. He'd simply packed his belongings after those weeks and sold the building to the first person he could find. The money? All of it gone into an account for Omi's schooling. Only he knew about that. The silent benefactor.

Silent..strange..I used to never shut up..

~

If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know, never trust
That love should see a color
Crucify my love
If it should be that way.

White, white flashing in front of his eyes for a moment as the pain and her voice become too much. Hands twist up in the honeygold hair, glances given from the people who pass around him as he stands with a bowed head. Make the white go away, make it fade into quiet darkness again. He'd lived in brilliance too long, now all he wants is to rest.

I want to sleep..

Sleep comes uneasily to him now, if at all. The long night hours are made bearable by alcohol, bearable but never easy. Even in the haze of liquor the nightmares creep up, the drink only delays their arrival, puts it off for another hour. Another minute.

~

Will the world remember you
When you fall?

More lyrics, these from a different song. A song he heard once, a long time ago, the words sticking in his head for reasons unknown. At least until now, when they fit the situation beautifully. An uncanny cry of his thoughts written in the music, the questions he's been asking.

Could it be your death means nothing at all?

Nothing to anyone, anyone but himself. Others will move on, the lives of his friends and the people he's known will shift to part around the sadness of his passing only to close again like a river tumbling around a rock. An obstruction that can't be moved, stubborn and ancient..

Is your life just one more lie?

The verse ends in his head, and he can't bear the thoughts that follow. Can't deal with them or with the people around him. Green eyes stare blankly at faces, seeing the ones of people he loved there and shying away. Running now from the park, away into nothingness.

~finis~


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Characters are the property of
Koyasu Takehito, Project Wei?br>
Original fanfic ? Tendai 2002

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...return...