NOTE: While I think these jokes are all my own, I always have the nagging feeling that I might have heard some of them somewhere and regurgitated them back unwittingly. I've tried looking up websites with Steven Wright and "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey" jokes to make sure, and haven't found any of them there, so hopefully I'm not committing plagiarism. 2 of my jokes are very similar to ones I've since heard Steven Wright do (the 2 with the words "plaid" and "global warming"), but those are ones that I feel confident I came up with independently.
I've arranged the jokes from what I think are the best to the worst, so you can stop reading when they stop being funny.
Random Thoughts by Roy Fischler
I don't understand the point of vacuum cleaners. By definition, a vacuum never needs cleaning.
If radioactive objects have half-lives, and cats have 9 lives, that means that radioactive cats have 9 1/2 lives.
I went to the doctor and complained that I had hypochondria, but he said it was just my imagination.
I once got arrested for yelling "crowded theater!" during a fire.
I went to a bookstore that had a going-out-of-business sale, 50% off all books. I bought Catch-11 and Slaughterhouse 2 1/2.
Love makes the world go round. But angular momentum certainly helps.
Battery chargers are revolting!
I'm thinking of having a nose job. I've never felt that 2 nostrils is enough.
I'm a paranoid optimist. I don't think people are laughing AT me, they're laughing WITH me.
I wanted to be a historian, but my parents said there's no future in it.
Back when I used to live at the South Pole, I had a girlfriend, but I left her because she was so egocentric. She thought the world revolved around her.
I'm the most modest person in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
Amazing statistic: If you were to take all the asphalt in I-95 and spread it out in a line, it would stretch all the way from Maine to Florida.
I hear that all conspiracy theories are made up by aliens in a secret room below the Pentagon, but the government doesn't want you to know.
The reason the floors of forests are covered with dirt is, nature abhors a vacuum.
I'm experiencing deja voo doo -- the feeling that someone at a distance has done this to me before.
Someone once said, "Intelligent people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and unintelligent people talk about other people." So ... isn't that talking about other people?
Why do dictionaries have the word "dictionary" in them? If you didn't know how it's spelled, hey, it's right there on the cover. And if you didn't know what it meant, how would you know to look it up in one?
I went to buy a plane ticket, but they were only going where I wanted to at 11 PM, so I didn't buy it. I wouldn't want to deal with a fly-by-night company.
Why is picking your nose considered bad manners? It's better than just winding up with whichever one you happen to get.
I keep meaning to start procrastinating, but I never get around to it.
When they figured out how big to make the back of envelopes, was that a back-of-the-envelope calculation?
Back when I used to live in Kentucky, the grass was always bluer on the other side of the street.
A journey of 750 miles begins with the first 3/4 of a step.
I'm a vegetarian. Not that I like animals all that much, I just really, really hate plants.
The other day, I covered myself with peat moss. Then later in the day, I started to do it again, but stopped when I realized I was repeating myself.
I'm not really me, I'm the identical twin I never had.
I was once charged with a very serious crime, but it wasn't my fault. My brain cells made me do it.
No man is an island. A man is a living thing. An island is a piece of land surrounded by water. Those are two completely different kinds of things. Like, DUH.
The other day a stranger asked me what time it was. I looked at my watch and said, "Now."
I've discovered proof of life after death. I looked in a dictionary, and that's the order they were in.
I bought some rechargeable batteries, and paid for them on my charge card. The store kept billing me over and over again for them.
I can't talk right now -- I'm too busy existing.
I have phobiaphobia - the terrible fear that at any moment, I might develop a phobia.
I hear that now you have to do a Mobius strip search at the airport. You don't have to take your clothes off, but somehow they wind up on the inside.
People who go to prostitutes are buysexual.
Once, my wife walked into the bedroom while I was having an affair with another woman. She yelled, "What is the meaning of this?" I said, "Well, if you must know, this is the singular first-person demonstrative pronoun. It refers to something that is present nearby the person who is speaking. But what a strange time for you to ask me."
I retired the wheels on my car, but for some reason they don't work anymore.
Having children runs in my family. It seems like all of my ancestors did.
I'm a member of Anonymous Anonymous. It's for people who are addicted to not revealing their names.
I went to the supermarket and bought some seedless peas. They were more expensive than the regular peas, but worth it.
Even if we don't block rivers to use them for hydroelectric power, what's the difference, the beavers will get to them anyway. It's like, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
I journey of a thousand miles begins with the first 999 miles, 5279 feet, 11 7/8 inches.
When I was a day old, I was SO naive. But by the time I was 2 days old, whenever someone tried to put one over on me, I would say, "Hey, I wasn't born yesterday."
Excuse me -- I'm imagining I have something stuck in my mind's eye.
I have a way to reduce the traffic on our roads. Just have everyone want to be where they already are.
When I was a kid, my parents explained to me about the birds and the bees. But I guess I must have taken them too literally, because on my wedding night, my wife complained that my feathers were tickling her and my buzzing was getting annoying.
I'm a white supremesist -- I'm white, and a fan of The Supremes.
If at third you don't succeed, tri, tri again.
Six of one, 12:54 of the other.`
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man ask if with that you want fries.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a fishing pole, and he'll whack you on the head with it and steal several days' worth of fish.
A stitch in time keeps time from unraveling later on.
People who live in glass houses should find a better real estate agent.
My folks visited a T-shirt store, and all they got me was a lousy T-shirt.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty. I say, just where is this glass, and why is everyone always talking about it?
I've invented the thyme machine. It can take me to other seasons.
I'm afraid I might be a deaf schizophrenic. I never hear voices in my head.
I read in the paper today about some unfortunate Ku Klux Klanners who live next to the zoo. A family of zebras moved in right next to them, and they didn't know WHAT to think.
This morning I was reading a fascinating science book that said that time doesn't really exist, but I had to stop reading because I was late for an appointment.
Why are hailstones always the size of something else?
I come from a weird family. My half-brother was born with only 1 eye, ear, hand, foot, lung and kidney. My step-sister had her feet amputated, and ceased to exist -- as did my brother-in-law when he failed the bar exam, and my grandmother when she lost $1000. My great grandparents were really just ordinary.
I wrote a diet book in which you can eat all the bagels, swiss cheese and donuts you want, but only the holes. I bet I would have made a lot of money at it, but I wrote it in the spaces between the pages.
My friend started working as a geologist, but then he became an astronomer. His career got off to a rocky start, but now it's looking up.
How many bigots does it take to write a Polish joke?
I don't think capital punishment is a deterrent to crime. In fact, many people even ENJOY visiting Washington, D. C., especially when the cherry blossoms are out.
I'm so depressed -- why is it that every time I visit the paint store, I get the blues?
Yesterday I thought to my horror that the entire universe was 2 inches too far over to the left, but then I realized I measured wrong.
I bought a time machine that had a 90-day warranty, and wouldn't you know it, as soon as I traveled 91 days into the future, the machine broke.
I decided this would be a good year to go to Europe because, what with continental drift, if I wait till next year, Europe will be another 2 1/2 inches away.
It's lucky they invented the alphabet, or we'd all have vitamin deficiencies.
I think they should pass a law to make breaking the law illegal.
I bet if Americans had a good enough reason, they could convert to the Metric System in 1000 millijiffies.
I always drink my coffee plaid with no sugar.
I hear that non-conformists are "in" this year.
I come from a long line of computer programmers. My father was one, and my father's father, and his father before him, and....
The post office could make a lot of money if they just made stamps that weigh an ounce each. Then, when you put a stamp on your letter, it would weigh another ounce, so you'd have to put on another stamp, so it would weigh another ounce, so....
If they could land a man on the moon, why can't they send an adult male human to the surface of our natural satellite?
My house is easy to get to; it's on a 3-way street.
My friend and I do nothing all day but sit in my car and drive around the block over and over again. If you ask me, the square route of 2 is irrational.
When I was a kid, I asked my father, "Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green?" He said because they're colorful. I forgot to mention that he wasn't that smart.
The cars behind me can honk all they want -- the stop sign still says "STOP".
When I was growing up, my parents used to tell me to spend less because "money doesn't grow on trees". But I just realized -- aren't dollar bills made of paper? And isn't paper made from wood? And where does wood come from? I KNEW I shouldn't have listened to my parents!
A penny saved is a penny earned. But a penny earned is definitely below minimum wage.
I couldn't see the forest for the trees, so I cut down all the trees. That didn't work either.
Ouch! -- I just bit my teeth again while eating. I hate when that happens.
If a mime fell in a forest, and no one was there to hear it, would he make a sound?
I'd never want to get call waiting. I'd rather get people's calls right away.
I had a headache when we entered the art museum, so my friend slipped me this incredible drug -- it's called "aspirin". Not only did the headache go away, but - WOW! - I started to see all sorts of designs and colors.
When I was a kid, I could get out of going to school any time I wanted to by telling my parents I had a temperature. Hey, I wasn't lying, I just wouldn't mention that it was 98.6.
I wear sunglasses when the sun is out, and eyeglasses when the eye is out.
I love reality -- it's a lot like ality, but even better the 2nd time.
Proton, proton, proton... Excuse me, I'm trying to think positive.
OHMMMMMMMM... I'm practicing transistential meditation.
I don't see the point in people having answering machines until they invent the questioning machine. Now we have lots of answers, but what was the question?
How did people first decide on democracy? Did they take a vote?
I wish we used more solar energy. I LOVE solar energy. To me, a day without solar energy is like a day without sunshine.
My phone has a reredial button, so I don't have to keep pressing redial.
Has anyone else noticed that the Bible Belt and the tornado belt perfectly coincide?
The other day, I discovered a proof that time is just an illusion and doesn't really exist. But then I realized that it takes time to prove something, so I guess I proved that time really does exist.
My friends have tried to tell me I have a non-drinking problem, but they don't know what they're talking about. I could start drinking any time I want to; I just don't want to.
The only difference between inflation and hyperinflation is, with inflation, your money is worth less, whereas with hyperinflation, your money is worthless.
I'm reading a fascinating philosophy book that says we really have free will. It's so good, I just can't put it down.
Just because something's
Seventeen syllables long
Is it a haiku?
The other day I went to make pasta. I put a pot of water on the stove, turned up the heat, and I kept watching, and watching, but it never came to a boil. Then I remembered that saying about how "a watched pot never boils", so I tried looking away, and sure enough, it worked.
If a tree stood in a forest, and no one was there to hear it, would it make a silence?
I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I have no bad news. The bad news is, I have no good news.
What is the sound of 3 hands clapping?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with going back for something you forgot to pack.
Love means never having to say you won at tennis.
I'm glad to see that religion is keeping up with the times. Now instead of an auto-da-fe, they have an SUV-da-fe. The only bad part is that you can't see beyond the person being tortured in front of you.
When I was a kid, I was so finicky, I didn't want to try eating chicken the first time, until my mother said, "Try it, it tastes like chicken."
I wouldn't want to be cremated after I die, because I hate smoking.
I could swear I had deja vu once before.
I have santaclaustrophobia: the fear of being trapped in an elevator with a jolly fat bearded man and 8 reindeer.
The other day I heard a great joke about echos -- stop me if you've heard this one before....
Shouldn't a small window be called a breezeow?
I saw on the news today where the police claimed that an unframed painting fell over and killed someone, but I think it was framed.
Roses are red, pink, yellow or white,
Violets are violet, actually,
It's not as romantic,
But I'm speaking more factually
I've written an autobiography. Not about myself. It's about my car.
It doesn't mean you're crazy if you talk to youself, but it does if you start losing all the arguments.
I was convicted of selling placebos to school children. The judge gave me a zero-year sentence, with time off for no behavior.
To make a long story short,
Cole's Law: Delis must serve shredded cabbage in cream sauce.
Insanity is hereditary -- you can get it from your parents.
I see in the paper that they took a poll on whether people have no opinion. 2% said yes, 1% said no, and the rest had no opinion.
I'm sure that whenever anyone talks about narcisists, they're really talking about MEEEEEE!!!!!
I don't really care one way or the other if people are apathetic.
It's possible that I once had amnesia, but I can't remember.
Do hermits have asocial security numbers?
My doctor just gave me some terrible news -- I have Moot Disease. He says I have no more than 120 years to live.
Occham had a beard. It was simpler than using his razor.
The other day I discovered something amazing in a bookstore -- a thesaurus. Wow. Everyone thought they died out 65 million years ago.
I try not to breathe, because it gives me gas.
Suey generous: a one-of-a-kind person who's willing to give you a lot of their Chinese food.
I'm against free speech. I figure if I charge a dollar a word, I'll be rich, rich, rich!
Yesterday by mistake I bought a can't opener, but it didn't work, so today I returned it and bought a can opener instead, and that works fine.
I'm allergic to antihistamine. What do I take for it?
I hate to brag, but you know how they say that necessity is the mother of invention? Well, I am in turn the great grandson of the nephew of necessity, on my father's side.
Some see things as they are and ask why. I see things as they are not and ask, "Now where did I put my glasses?"
I guess one of the eternal mysteries that mankind is not meant to know is: Which is bigger, apples or oranges? That would be like comparing apples and oranges.
It must have been great back in the days before anyone wrote a letter C for the very first time, because back then you could write an I before an E. <** SIGH **> I guess those days will never come again....
When I was growing up, I told people I wanted to be a humorist, and they all laughed at me, but they're not laughing now.
I used to do day trading, but I wound up with too many Thursdays and not enough Tuesdays.
I have the exact opposite of Attention Deficit Disorder -- I have Superior Understanding, Brilliant Thoughts, Requiring Amazing Concentration Tendency.
I went to take out food from a pizzeria, but saw a sign that said "We Deliver", and ran away in terror. I don't think I could survive without my liver.
A priest, a nun and a rabbi are walking through the Sahara Desert. The priest says, "Water!" And the nun says, "Water!" And the rabbi says, "Water!" And then they all die of thirst. --Sorry, that's just my dry sense of humor.
If I ruled the world, I would end all war, eliminate poverty, feed the hungry, and figure out why, whenever I clip my toenails, I always wind up with 9 or 11 clippings, never 10.
All that stuff I've said since I was born, I take it back. I don't know WHAT I was thinking.
I lost a lot of money today. I bet a friend $1 million he couldn't guess what I'd say next. He said, "Dammit, you're right." I said, "Dammit, you're right."
I believe in traditional values. Pi should always be a little more than 3, just the way it's always been.
If a narrow body of water formed just north of Long Island, and no one was there to hear it, would it make a sound?
I only drink Coca Cola in the Bahamas. That's because I saw a commercial that said "It's better in the Bahamas." I wondered what "it" is that's better there, until I saw another commercial that said "Coke is it."
If you need a résumé to get a new job, do you need a resume to get back your old one?
I've solved the problem of which came first, the chicken or the egg, once and for all. I ordered both, and the waiter brought the chicken first.
A few weeks ago, I bought the entire universe. It was on sale. But now I think I got ripped off -- it doesn't have as many galaxies as I expected.
I'm an AAtheist. I believe God created the universe, but obviously was extremely drunk at the time.
My blood pressure is 2. Well, actually it's 160 / 80, but that's the same thing.
The Civil War must have been a horrifying experience. "I say old chap, I hate to bother you at a time like this, but would you kindly give me the permission to shoot you?" "Well, ordinarily I wouldn't agree to so objectionable a prospect, but since you ask so politely, I don't see how I could say no to your request." "Thank you kind sir, you have been cooperative beyond all reasonable expectations." "Not at all, my pleasure." *** BAM!!!! ***
I bought a used car from a poet. I got a good deal. It's only 3 years old, with 20,000 odes on the odometer.
My theory is that Julius Caeser was assassinated because he wouldn't give everyone their ears back.
If I had to choose the way I will eventually die, I would say that of all the possible causes of death, the one that would be the least terrible would be to die as a result of being REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD.
Last week I had a CAT scan, and today my doctor told me I have 2 tabbies and a calico.
True fact: The brain uses 10 times the calories as the rest of the body per pound of body mass. What does this mean? It means that just by thinking about losing weight, you will.
I feel really guilty. I took a nap, and never gave it back.
Agnostics get a better deal than atheists. They only go to heck.
I keep hearing voices in my head, but it doesn't make a difference, because they tell me to ignore the voices in my head.
The best business idea ever is to sell hotcakes. They're always selling like hotcakes.
Whenever I go camping, I remember the Boy Scout motto: "Discriminate against atheists." No, wait, I mean their other motto: "Be prepared."
If you can't handle rejection and a feeling that your life is pointless, then parsley farming probably isn't for you.
I don't believe in gravity. What a preposterous idea! You mean to tell me that all objects just start moving, by themselves, toward the ground, without anything pushing them? Yeah, right, tell me another one!
I've never believed in astrology, because I'm a Libra.
Great idea for a new fad -- hitting your head against the wall. Big ad campaign. Sexy couples smiling and hitting their heads against the wall. Slogan: "Be free to do it!" Open trendy chain of lumpaterias, charge $100 admission. Should make money hand over fist.
How come no one's ever walked to the middle of a featureless plain because it's there?
I just bought a cheap time machine that can only take you 1 day into the future every 24 hours. I hope it works.
Why does daylight savings time begin at night, when there's none to save?
I bet that really short fat people would be healthier if they lied down. Then they'd be tall and thin.
My girlfriend is from Nepal, so we only see each other on the International Date Line.
My house was too big, so I had a garage sale.
Do animal lovers love lions when they kill antelopes, or do they root for the antelopes?
My dog retired at age 9 2/7.
A few years ago, I opened a discount store selling money. Like, I'd sell 5-dollar bills for $3.99, quarters for 20c, and on Mondays, I had a sale, 50% off all merchandise. I got a lot of customers, but somehow I never was able to make a profit.
My doctor told me never to eat food on an empty stomach.
My girlfriend told me her biological clock is ticking. It must be a nuisance to reset it when we switch to Daylight Savings Time.
I wonder if bottles of contraceptive pills have child-proof caps.
My cable TV has an X-rated channel that shows people without their clothes on, and an X-ray channel that shows them without their skin even.
I believe that when you have a dream, you should give it all you've got to make that dream a reality. For instance, last night I dreamt that I was being chased by a flying purple elephant that was speaking backwards in Swahili, and I will not rest until I see that dream come true.
Yesterday I went window shopping. Now all I need to buy is some doors, walls and a roof, and I've got myself a house.
I've thought occasionally of videotaping my entire life, but I doubt I'd have the time to watch it back.
If you accidently flushed your watch down the toilet in the southern hemisphere, would it go down counterclockwise?
Whenever I see a pencil, it always reminds me of armadillos. That's because one day I noticed that both words were in the same dictionary.
If you took a TV set and replaced all its parts one by one with new parts, is it still the same TV set? And even more important, how much would the repair shop charge?
I'm not superstitious, because it's bad luck.
It's so hard not to offend anyone these days. First it was okay to call them "Martians". Then they wanted to be called "antenneds", then "Greens", then "Martian-Americans", and now they insist on being called "people of antennas".
I have an excellent filing system. I keep all my papers under "p" for "paper".
I ordered a pizza, and they asked if I wanted it sliced into 6 or 8 slices. I said 6; I wasn't that hungry.
Why are drivers who have lots of accidents called wreckless?
It never fails -- just after I've dirtied my car, it starts to rain.
I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, until I switched to decaffienated pajamas.
My ID card at work has a picture of the back of my head so I can leave the building.
I wonder if trees go to geneologists to learn about their family people.
Yesterday, I dusted my room, and when I finished, everything was nice and dusty.
Everyone here from the planet Sigma Draconis 3, raise your zdipzoid.
Why do they call it "resuscitation"? What, do they suscitate you, and then resuscitate you when the suscitation didn't work?
The other day, a police car stopped me for going 100 MPH in a school zone. The policeman said, "Didn't you see the sign? It says 'SPEED LIMIT 15 MPH'". I said yes, but it didn't say whether that was the upper or lower limit.
It's lucky Abraham Lincoln didn't keep showing up late for his speeches, or it would have really ruined them. For instance, to be accurate, he would have had to say, "Four score, seven years and ten minutes ago...". And even worse, "Fifteen minutes ago was the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. But now it's too late, so the hell with it."
I used to be a cannibal, but my doctor told me I had to cut down on cholesterol.
How dumb of me -- all day, I've been looking for something to fing with, and I just realized, I have a whole bunch of fingers right on my hands.
Isn't fast food an oxymoron? Or are you supposed to just sit there and look at it, but not eat it?
Yesterday I got a ticket for bulldozing down the building across the street and replacing it with trees, grass, walks and benches. Somehow I didn't notice the sign that said "NO PARKING ZONE".
I used to have blankets on my bed, but then decided to buy full-size blanks.
These food labeling laws are getting out of hand; I really don't need to know in such detail what's in the food I buy. Like, the other day, I bought a can of peaches, and it said "Contents: protons 35%, electrons 35%, neutrons 29%, other particles 1%. May temporarily contain neutrinos, just passing through."
I went to a weird restaurant the other evening. It's a vegetarian steakhouse, so the portions are small. It was a Saturday night, so there was a long wait, because the restaurant didn't open until Tuesday. The hostess showed us to a table, which seemed pointless to me because the table didn't have eyes. We sat in the smoking section, but the fire department soon put it out. It was a fancy place that had tablecloths on the tables, and pants on the table legs. I was given a menu, and my wife was given a womenu. The meal started with a bowl of bread, and we buttered the bowl and ate it. I ordered the cream of cream soup to start, but the waiter wouldn't bring it. He said all he does is wait. For the main course, we ordered the grilled main course. I ordered it medium rare, but it came out common, so I had to send it back. Mine was served on a bed of tame rice, because the wild rice was too dangerous. My wife's was served with smothered onions, but the paramedics were able to revive them. We ordered a can of wine, a 2587 Savoir-Faire, because that's going to be an excellent year for wine. We chose a clear wine, because that goes well with air. At the end of the meal, the waiter asked if that would be all, but I said that plenty of other things would probably exist. Then we got the check, and the next day I went to the bank and cashed it. I gave the waiter a 20% tip: buy any stock that goes up 20%.
I took a number at the deli, and wound up with the square root of minus 1. Then when my turn came up, it was imaginary.
Once back when I was in public school, I fell asleep, and they arrested me for kidnapping.
I just hate when people use sexist language. The other day, a friend talked about how she needed people to "man the phones" at her job. I said, "MAN? What about WOMAN?" She said, "Okay, woman." I said, "WoMAN?? What about woWOMAN??" She said, "Okay, human." I said, "HuMAN??? What about huWOMAN???" She said, "Okay, huwoman." I said, "HuwoMAN???? What about huwoWOMAN????" She said, "Okay, individual." I said, "IndividuAL????? What about individuALICE?????" She said, "Okay, person." I said, "PerSON?????? What about perDAUGHTER??????" She said, "Okay, perdaughter." I said, "PerdaughtER??????? What about perdaughtRESS???????" She said, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The only reason most Americans don't believe the sky is orange is, no one's put on TV commercials to convince them.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I said I wish I had a nickel.
The end of the Cold War is obviously the cause of global warming.
Don't get mad, get remainder when dividing by 2 = 0.
Once, when my girlfriend and I were looking up at the stars, she said how puny she felt in the immensity of the universe. So I suggested she switch to high heels, and she felt much better.
I read in the paper today that the philosophers' union is threatening to go on strike for higher pay. If their demands aren't met, they plan to bring the country to its knees.
The Theory of Relativity: I insist it's only a theory that those people are my relatives.
A guy goes into a bar, and he says to the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and soda." So the bartender gives him a scotch and soda, and he drinks it, talks to some people, pays the bill and leaves. --What, you thought this was going to be one of those "A guy goes into a bar" jokes?
My old pet millipede doesn't look so good lately - I think it's on its last leg.
I'm against prejudice. I always wait to hate everyone of other ethnic groups until after I've already met them.
I've come up with an invention for seeing in the dark that's much better than a flashlight. I call it a steadylight.
I went to renew my thinking license, but could no longer pass the mind's eye exam. Now whenever I think, I have to imagine I'm wearing glasses.
I'm the inventor of properspirant, for when you want to sweat.
I'm a mathematical libertarian. I say they should legalize division by zero.
I hate people who can never make up their mind. Well, I suppose "hate" is too strong a word -- I really dislike them. Then again, "dislike" isn't quite strong enough. Maybe I should have said "detest". No, wait, that's even stronger than "hate". How about....
Yesterday a friend said to me, "Did you hear the one about the guy who got his shoes nice and shiny?", but I stopped him and said I'm offended by polish jokes.
I believe in nilism - the philosophy that no river in Egypt matters.
I'm an aaatheist. I don't believe in people who don't believe in atheists.
I'm an Agnestic. I'm not sure if there are really any people named Agnes.
I was arrested for being naked under my clothes.
After years and years of daylight savings time, I have a lot of savings. Plus, I'm getting a good interest rate, and already I have an extra three years of daylight in my account.
There once was a man from Cornell
Whose limericks started just swell.
They'd scan right on time
And perfectly rhyme
As far as this critic could tell.
But on line 6, the quality fell.
How likely is it that a multi-millionaire couple would take a ride on a small fishing boat with a bunch of ordinary people? Call me crazy, but I'm starting to think that Gilligan's Island wasn't even a true story.
Mathematicians who deal with complex numbers are so egocentric. Everything with them is always i, i, i.
I don't know why people say that "War and Peace" takes so long to read. That's only 3 words, if I'm counting right.
Last night I had it again -- that same nightmare in which I'm condemned to spend all of eternity playing Wheel of Fortune in Hawaiian, and there's nothing else to do than buy vowels.
I have an electric fan with a setting for "reverse", for when you want to warm up.
The other day I went to a fortune teller to have my palm read. She said it will start to grow coconuts in 5 years, but will be blown over by a hurricane after another 12.
I'm so upset -- I just realized that I started a parenthetical expression while talking one day about 20 years ago, but forgot to close it. I've been in parentheses ever since!!!!
I tried eating a chessboard once, but it was too gamy.
I have a friend who went deaf in a tragic wind chime accident. I warned him to take it in before a hurricane, but he just wouldn't listen.
If someone were traveling backwards in time, would "cuff" be a dirty word?
I have split personality. No I don't! Yes I do!!
The older I get, the more exercise I need to stay in shape, but the more exercise I get by walking into rooms 10 times before I remember what I went in there for. See? It all works out perfectly.
What happens if you're a man of your word, but your word is "untrustworthy"?
Hey everybody, I've got great news!!!! I'm manic depressive!!!! I mean, that's terrible....
I'm against cloning. I hate it when people keep repeating themselves.
If you are what you eat, then all people are cannibals.
It's been so easy to lose weight. I really didn't need my arms and legs, and I figure that I chop off the rest of me, I can get my weight all the way down to zero.
The other day I saw a man eating shark, and that was really scary. Then I saw him eating broccoli, and that was even scarier.
If you flip a coin to help make a decision, what do you do if you can't decide whether to flip a coin or not?
I believe in a higher power. Not only can you square a number, but you can even cube it.
I have a friend from Greece who can't donate blood because he's type alpha.
My imaginary friend had a fight with me and left.
I took a hot shower, but it made me sweat, so I had to take another shower.
-11,842,790.63 is my lucky number. Anyone have a problem with that?
I bet people in Switzerland never get anywhere because they always keep their cars in neutral.
I have a friend named Luke who's famous. He's the guy they named Luke warm after.
I bet vegetarians must get really upset when they accidently bite themselves while eating.
I think insurance companies should offer insurance insurance for in case their premiums go up.
I'm working on stretching my lifespan to twice as long by only living every other minute.
I keep a diary all the time, but it's very boring because I keep a diary all the time.
The other day I saw something amazing, but I doubt anyone will believe me. A big gray object floated above me, and these drops of water actually started falling from the sky. And not even just a few drops -- there must have been MILLIONS of them.
I'm against the death penalty. I don't think hockey should be taken that seriously.
It's a good thing space has only 3 dimensions, for I misplace my car keys enough as it is.
If you were to line up every useless statistic end to end, they'd stretch from here to somewhere in the ocean off of Norway.
I've just grown a beard, and I think it looks real neat, so next I'm thinking of growing tentacles.
I have a carnivorous tree growing in my yard, but its bark is worse than its bite.
When I get old and my teeth start falling out, I figure I'll just glue them back with toothpaste.
I once lived in a negative parellel universe where everything worked in reverse. I earned a living by buying lottery tickets; they paid me $1 for each ticket I bought. But with my luck, wouldn't you know it, I won the lottery and owed them $36 million.
I used to live in a town called Infinity, but I finally moved because no one would come to visit. I gave them the right directions, but they'd keep driving and driving, and still never get there.
I guess whoever invented the fly swatter didn't realize the object is to get the fly, every time, not turn it into a challenging sport.
I went to a store and bought some stationery, but then I couldn't move it when I tried to bring it home.
I'm thinking of reorganizing my breathing. First I inhale, then I exhale, then I inhale again, and so on -- it's very confusing! From now on I plan to spend the first half of my life only inhaling, and the second part exhaling.
I don't believe there's such a thing as free will. Lawyers always charge at least $100 to make one up.
I never bother to make my bed when I get up in the morning, because I'd only have to dismantle it again when it's time to go to sleep.
I once tried making this world a better place, but it was too difficult, so now I just make this world some better place mats.
Fischler's Law of Driving: The speed people drive at = the speed limit + ( (60 - their age) / 2).
I always seem to fall for the wrong stock tips. It sounded like such a good business idea, growing naval oranges in the middle of the Atlantic.
Weather forecasts are so accurate nowadays that for extra accuracy, they keep changing them completely every day.
I went to a store and got such a great deal, I feel guilty about it. They let me take home all sorts of great merchandise, and in exchange, all I had to give them was a few pieces of green paper that had various patterns of ink on them.
I had a quantum mechanic fix a problem with my car, but when I went to pay him, I couldn't quite figure out where he was.
I really love gardening, and my garden is growing beautifully. When I started, it was only 10 feet by 15, but now it's 20 by 30.
I always hold my breath in cheaper restaurants. I only breathe in places that have atmosphere.
Instead of printing maps, why don't they just shrink the landscape down to a few feet across?
One advantage to growing old while living in Hawaii is, you're never incontinent.
I went to see the movie "The Neverending Story", but I was very disappointed. It was only 1 1/2 hours long.
They ought to have traffic lights turn blue to warn you when they're about to turn yellow.
Do they have skywriting in China? How do they avoid having lots of accidents?
Every winter, the trees go bare, and I worry that they've all died. Then when spring comes, I see they're still alive and think, "Wow, that's a releaf."
Is "thank" the past tense of "think"? At times, I have thunk so.
There isn't much difference between being mortal and being immortal. The only difference is that "im" part.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
The best way to be a success in life is to set your goals low enough.
I only do addition in the summertime.
I used to get sick a lot during the Cold War, because of the draft.
I DON'T THINK CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS A DETERRENT TO CRIME. I ADMIT THAT HAVING TO WRITE LIKE THIS IS A NUISANCE, BUT IT WOULDN'T STOP ME FROM MURDERING ANYONE.
Say what you want about computers, but if you put your wet socks over the back where the hot air comes out, they do an excellent job of drying them.
I wonder who invented the idea of patents. I bet that was the very first patent.
I'm working on my own autobiography. Right now I'm making up the story as I go along, and eventually, I'll write it down.
Linguists claim the origin of language is shrouded in mystery. But I know the very first thing anyone must have ever said: "Hey, I can talk!"
I always hated it when my mother nagged me. Like, I would give myself extra time to drive to places in case of traffic, and would wind up only going the speed limit so I wouldn't arrive too early. I would want to strangle her whenever she said, "You know, if you left later, you wouldn't have to go so slow."
My kitchen has everything but the kitchen sink. Oh wait, it even has that too.
I have a house, but I never dare go anywhere near it. They say that most accidents happen around the house.
I've had so much more time in my life ever since I took a speed sleeping course. Granted, I don't catch every detail of my dreams, but I get the gist of them.
I always try to watch what I eat, but it's so difficult. Just before the food reaches my mouth, my nose starts blocking the view.
Web pages are 2-dimensional, so how can they be online?
I bought some soil at a garden shop. It was dirt cheap.
I'd never take a course in how to delegate work. I'd have someone else attend and take notes for me.
If you're addicted to cold turkey, and you try to quit all at once, what is that called?
I don't think the Big Bang really happened. It was really the Big Band Era, but someone made a typo.
The trouble with autobiographies is that they always leave you in suspense. By the time the story ends, the author is in no condition to write it down.
It's outrageous that the government pays to send kids to high school!!!! The last thing they should be doing is teaching them how to get high!!!!
I tried to throw a party once, but with all the people, and food, and drinks, I couldn't even lift it.
I'm not against reductionism, but for safety's sake, there ought to be increaseism as well, otherwise everything will eventually disappear.
The universe was not created by God. It was obviously created by the unipoet.
Once, a friend who ordered prime ribs of beef said it was too much for him, and offered to divide it in 2. I said, "Don't be silly, if it's prime, you can't divide it by 2."
My vet had my cat take a HUMAN scan.
I'm writing a weight-loss book called "The Paradox Diet". The idea is, you only eat between meals. I bet I'll make millions.
When I was a kid, I had a lot of trouble with my teachers over my penmanship, because I'm middle-handed.
Whenever I'm feeling really rebellious, I pass go and collect the $200 anyway.
Have you ever wondered in what sense you're the same person you were 30 years ago? I did, and now I realize that back then I was Jimmy Hoffa.
Last week, a policeman tried to give me a speeding ticket for going 200 mph, where the signs said the speed limit was only 55. But I said, "Relative to what? If the signs meant, relative to the ground, they didn't say so."
Every year, my New Years goal is to have a New Years goal. So far, another successful year.
I speak a language that's exactly like English, except that "the" means "hippopotamus" and vice versa. I think it's hippopotamus nicest language on earth, but other people have said -- oh, excuse me, my the wants to be fed again.
I used to own a cell phone, but I got rid of it. It was too difficult to use something that tiny.
I have a gay vacuum cleaner, but it's completely useless. I can't get it out of the closet.
Why do philosophers write essays arguing in favor of solipsism? Who are they trying to convince?
I'm the inventor of the frigerator. It's for keeping food cold the first time. Then after that, you use the refrigerator.
When visionaries get really drunk, do they have double vision?
I had diversity training at work, and now I'm extremely diverse.
I plan to go stark raving mad at 7:32 this evening. After that, I'll watch some TV.
If they train you to drive a bus, do they bus you to drive a train?
I'm addicted to nicotine patches. I'm trying to quit by taking up smoking.
I think there's something wrong with my CD burner. I take them out, and they don't even look singed.
Ear doctors must have had a lot of patients right after the Big Bang.
If the speed limit was minus 55, would we all have to drive around in reverse all the time at great speed?
God commanded me in a vision to be an atheist.
I always used to wonder if, whenever I was away, all the rooms in my house were filled from floor to ceiling with whipped cream, which disappeared without a trace the instant I returned. And yesterday, my next-door neighbor confirmed that it's true.
I don't think there's intelligent life in outer space. I think they all have "casual Fridays".
I wonder if spiders have their own web site. I bet it must be www.icky.org.
If everyone on earth would just get together, say hello, shake hands and give each other a hug, there would be a big outbreak of colds 2 days later.
Is it just me, or has it occurred to anyone else that the idea of boxing is, 2 people keep punching each other, and the first one to knock the other one unconscious wins?
Last night I only got 2 minutes sleep, but I woke up refreshed because I dreamt about microwave ovens.
I don't know what to do -- I put anti-baldness creme on my scalp, but forgot to spread it around. Now I have a single hair growing, and it's 5 feet thick.
When I drove north from New York City last summer, a really strange thing happened. I came upon a crazy guy who was standing in a booth along the road in the middle of a field, who wouldn't let me continue on until I answered some questions. The same thing happened when I went back. When I asked why, he said the part up ahead was called "Canada" and the part I'd just come from was called the "United States", but I don't know, it looked pretty much the same on both sides.
People who take up skydiving must not realize the gravity of the situation.
I'd never eat at a fast food restaurant because I doubt I'd be quick enough to catch it before it ran away.
I like people named Will because they're always looking ahead to the future, but people named Ed are always living in the past.
Today is the 14,621st day of the rest of your life.
Fischler's 3 Laws of Home Appliances:
1) They work better when you plug them in.
2) They work still better when you push the on button.
3) They work best of all when you've paid the electric bill.
I'm starting a club for people who believe in solipsism. Anyone care to join me?
I spend my time wondering if I have free will. I just can't help it.
I believe in all-natural -- nothing artificial for me. When I die, I want it to be of natural causes, because I'll be so much healthier than if I'd died of unnatural causes.
I'm spending my time trying not to blink, just in case if I did, time would come to an end.
Was Beethoven's blood type A minor?
I used to wonder if the universe stops at some point or goes on forever. Now I realize it keeps going on, but you have to go through a toll booth.
I don't see what's bad about fewer and fewer people voting each year. If the trend continues, eventually the candidates I vote for will always win.
I bought a microwave refrigerator. The food spoils in only 1/10th the time.
I wouldn't like to have blueberries as pets. They're too aloof, and never come when you call them.
Too bad my idea for a solar-powered electric chair didn't work out. For some reason they always execute people at midnight.
When I was growing up, my family was so poor, we couldn't afford to pay the static electricity bill.
I'm not sure if I'm an agnostic.
Whatever happened to Motels 1 through 5?
If farmers just planted instant rice, they could harvest it immediately.
A friend of mine swallowed 10 bottles of aspirin at once, and never got a headache again.
The other day I saw a child walk by with a picture of a missing milk carton on her back.
I part my hair below the ankles. Granted, it's hard to notice.
I just wrote a book and bought a million copies of it so it will get on the best-seller list.
I've developed a new hobby just to get even. I call up telemarketers at random and tell them I don't want any.
Every time I try calling myself, the line is always busy. I wonder who I could be talking to?
Important travel tip: Summer is the best time of year to take your vacation on the sun. Granted, the weather is hot, but there are no crowds, and the rates are extremely low.
I think they're getting overly cheap on death row. Now they're only granting inmates last snacks.
I used to ponder the deep philosophical question of why I'm here, but I finally came up with an answer. I drove here.
I don't have any trouble making decisions. I only have trouble deciding to make decisions, and deciding to decide to make decisions, and so on.
I save a lot of money on airline tickets by taking flights of stairs instead.
Some people march to the beat of a different drummer. I pogo-stick to the syncopation of a non-standard kazoo.
I've decided to start dreaming in alphabetical order. Last night I only dreamt about aardvarks.
With the cost of lawyers these days, how do people afford to file for bankrupcy?
I just finished writing a budget travel book -- "Antarctica on $5 a Day."
I never bother to mow my lawn. Instead, I just keep adding another inch of soil each week.
Maybe microwave ovens would work faster if the waves weren't so small.
I hear that in Europe, you can retire when you're 18, because they use Celsius there.
Every year my family gets together and has a race, but it's very confusing when my first cousins come in second and my second cousins come in first.
I've been accused of being a misanthrope, but it's not true; I really like people. Especially with barbecue sauce on a bed of wild rice.
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Warning - I brake for plants".
When I get really bored I mix depillatory creme with anti-baldness creme and put it on my scalp, to see which one will win.
I wonder if artist's furnature has lots of drawers.
I'm an AAAtheist. I believe God exists, but only in my car.
How come everyone always wishes everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year? What would happen if anyone wished people a happy Christmas and a merry new year?
I needed to ship my car from New York to California, so I drove it to the start of the interstate, put it on cruise control, and got out. But I guess I didn't point it accurately enough, because I got a call from the police that it started to go a few inches out of its lane somewhere in Kansas.
My favorite color is gamma rays.
I think if they legalized gambling everywhere, the world would be a bettor place.
The ways of humans must seem the ultimate mystery to our lawns. We keep watering them to get them to grow, yet keep mowing them down.
My grandparents were really great, but I always got them confused with my great grandparents.
They say eating antioxidants is healthy, but I don't know. I'm afraid if I eat too much, I might suffocate.
I would have loved to have run over the pedestrians in the cross walk, but hey, the light was red.
I hear that some people eat catfood to save money, but I'd never try that. The whiskers would probably tickle on the way down.
They say you can't go faster than the speed of light, but I bet you can go faster than the speed of heavy.
The simplest version of Occam's Razor is usually the best.
The hotter it gets, the lower I set my air conditioner. Now we're having such a heat wave that my air conditioner is in the apartment on the floor below me.
I'm so upset. Last week my neighbor got a new pet, a black cat. There goes the neighborhood.
I have a theory that all spaghetti is really part of the same strand.
I went to the pharmacy to buy a cholesterol-lowering drug, but they stopped me because I didn't have a prescription. They must have had a lot of trouble with recreational use by hippies during the '60s.
I've just never had an entrepreneurial instinct. When I was a kid, all the other kids set up lemonade stands, but I set up a stand selling lava. "Get it while it's hot!", I would say.
Nudists are so selfish. They'd never give you the shirt off their backs.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty. I say they've been talking about it so long, it's probably evaporated by now.
I'm really upset -- a family of humans just moved into the house right next to me. There goes the neighborhood.
I read in the paper today that they've finally located the clothes-folding gene, on the X chromosome. I knew it was only a matter of time.
It must be difficult to spell in space. There are zero G's up there.
When it's a clear day on the earth, the weather is sunny. So, if there's a clear day on the sun, is the weather earthy?
I wonder which day of the year the Big Bang happened on. Shouldn't they at least make it a holiday? I mean, it was the birth of the whole universe, after all....
First, ragtime music was considered scandalous. Later, kids shocked their parents with rock and roll. Then later their own kids shocked them with rap music. Obviously, this can only lead to one thing in another generation: scream music. No notes. No beat. No lyrics. Just the continuous sound of people screaming. And then the generation after will shock their parents by listening to Lawrence Welk.
Yesterday I was so hungry that I tried eating myself. I was nice and tasty, but I never did figure out how to eat my own mouth.
I'm afraid to paint the rooms of my house, because if I do it too many times, the walls will meet.
If 2 trains were heading toward each other at 50 mph, and a bird kept flying back and forth between them at 100 mph, I don't care because I prefer to go by car.
English is a wonderfully logical language when it comes to space travel. Astronauts experience 1 G while "waiting for liftoff", then 3 Gs "launching, accelerating and reaching orbit", then zero Gs in "space". Then 3 Gs again "decelerating and coming in for a landing", and 1 G again while "back on the ground". When 6 astronauts are "living on the moon", they experience 1/6 G each.
I couldn't remember what film I put in my camera, so I took a picture of a mirror to find out.
Well what do you know, those mathematiclans had it all wrong -- I just found the last digit of pi. It's a 2.
It probably wasn't a good idea to buy an apartment with 3-inch ceilings and install shag carpeting. It's so plush, but in order to walk on it I have to visit the people in the apartment above me.
What a crazy language English is. The word "plural" has no s, but "singular" does.
Some favorites that aren't mine (nor Steven Wright nor "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey" jokes either, but I sure wish I'd thought of them:
I'm writing a series of "how to" books. The latest one is called "How to Buy a Porcupine Without Getting Stuck".
- based on a joke by my brother
I once saw one of the world's best farmers. He was out standing in his field.
- based on a joke by a friend of mine
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Physicist John Wheeler
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
I belong to AAAAA. It's for people who've been driven to drink.
When I was growing up, I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
I bought a garbage pail, and the cashier put it in a bag for me. Then when I got home, I took the pail out of the bag, and put the bag in the pail.
- Lily Tomlin
Give a man an inch, and right away he thinks he's a ruler.
- from an episode of the old TV series "Get Smart".
I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty and meaningless experience. But as empty and meaningless experiences go, it's one of the best.
- Woody Allen
Some people want to achieve immortality through their art. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
My only regret in life is that I wasn't someone else.
- Woody Allen
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate the delta V of a 3-stage vehicle using a liquid hydrogen - oxygen ... oh, wait, I guess that WOULD take a rocket scientist. Never mind.