The Kiss

   I reached out and touched a tiger lily; I felt the morning dew coating the delicate petals, and I remembered our first kiss.  It was a morning just like this one, in the same beautiful meadow about 5:45 in the morning.  I remember his love for sunrises, and how he would call me up 5:00 in the morning to see them.  However, I always said no because I was too lazy to get up.  Except that one time,  after Stephen died when I realized he was the last tie to my old life, the old me.  I didn’t cry because I held my feelings inside secretly.  But he found them that morning.  He called and I finally said yes.  He was waiting for me, in this exact same spot among these same tiger lilies, lying on a sleeping bag.  I looked around at the stars and the darkness and realized in darkness is where I always wanted to be, unseen.  I moved next to him with my sleeping bag.  I said nothing, for moment in time, I let my world stop and listened only the world around me.

 

    We sat in silence for almost ten minutes.  Off-handedly I thought, “funny he smells nice.”  But the thought never occurred to me until then.  Then suddenly, I started to shiver as the wind  whipped through my hair.  It was a lot colder than I though it would be and I brought no coat.  He looked at me and slowly wrapped his arms around me, and I folded within them.  For once in a long time, I felt safe and protected.

 

   “Do you miss him?”  He said breaking our comfortable silence.

  

    “No actually, I don’t miss him.  He was just apart of my painful past, a past that will never haunt me again.”  I said in hushed tones.  Even though Stephen was dead, I thought he could hear me.  The thought made me shudder enough for him to notice.  “A past that will fade in time, like the bruises on my body, and the pain in my heart.  I didn’t love him, and he didn’t love me.”  I smiled grimly.  “I just need somebody to talk to, I just needed you.”  I admitted.  And was the reason I came to watch the sun come up.

 

    We sat there watching in the first golden rays touch edges of the vast meadow.  I felt the light touch my skin and warming it.

 

   “Do want me?” he asked.  I wondered where that came from.  Had I said that without so many words?  Or was it the look in my eyes.

 

   “Yes”

 

   “Why?”

 

   “Because I knew you would never hurt me.  I knew I could be myself.  That’s all I ever wanted.”  I said.  I turned around to face him and buried my face in his chest, and cried.  I cried for the first time in five years.  Never would Stephen hurt me again, never would I need feel scared or nervous.  I was free.  I felt him push me away to look at me.  I didn’t meet his eyes.  He lifted my chin; made look into his deep amber pools and I wondered what he was thinking.  Next thing I knew he kissed me.  A deep, longing, gently kiss.  I felt my problems melt away like snow in sunlight.  Nothing mattered but being here with him, feeling my lips caress his, feeling the piercing in his mouth messaging my tongue.  I felt complete and happy like this was so perfect.  By the time we finished, the sun was looking down on us.

 

    Since then, I came to this meadow looking for answers, searching my feelings and way to describe what it is that makes me feel this way.  I smile.  It’s love.