Prestory #2
By Sam Kelley
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This episode can also be dubbed any of the following:
How many QAF referances does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sam VS the Postal Workers
Everyone gets drunk and laid (not quite)
Hardly anything to do with the YY part in the title
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You thought it was bad before...
Well you ain't seen nothing yet.
The YY Files: Pre Story #2
Part Two: Adventures In Baby-Sitting
Sometimes, people are compelled to do stupid things. It's not that the individual is stupid, it's just the need for an adrenaline rush. This can be obtained in the stupidest of ways. Bungee jumping for example. Rock climbing for another. These are considered exhilarating. What would happen if a rock ledge broke and the support cable snapped? What would happen if the bungee cord broke like Pee Wee Herman's back supporting cement blocks? That's where the rush comes in. Unknown to most, is the most adrenaline efficient sport out there. The sport, and challenge, known as baby-sitting.
* * *
::In an apartment in the downtown area::
Merlock: ~standing outside a door marked '666'~ Why do I sense this is a bad sign?
Greg: Because it probably is?
Merlock: You're right. Watch things get worse. ~takes a deep breath, opens the door, then screams~
Greg: What? What?!
Merlock: I don't know. It just kinda suited the mood. ~steps in the room~
Greg: Oy... ~looks around~
Merlock: Furniture...good...hardwood floors...good...balcony...good... ~paces around~ Disgusting blue wall paper...bad...yellow smoke stains on the ceiling, also bad...
Greg: EEE! ~runs down the small, three bedroom hallway and into the bathroom~ I have to check the plumbing! The water pressure is the most important part!
Merlock: I won't ask. ~observes the poor condition of the kitchen~ I guess we're going to have to take it. It's the only thing in our price range and at most we'll be here a month or two.
Greg: ~squealing as the toilet flushes~ We have pressure!
Merlock: It seems like we're missing something though...
Both: ~look at each other~
Greg: Oh, ~this line has been censored to keep this story strictly 18A~ !!!
Merlock: ~retrieves a cardboard box from the door and brings it in, setting it down in the center of the floor~ Here's your temporary home, kids.
Babies: ~gurgle and blink from inside the box~
Greg: Since we have no possessions, I guess we're officially moved in.
Merlock: Lovely.
Greg: I say we scrounge what we can from in here! Since the old owners won't be back to claim anything*...
*- This statement will be discussed in further detail later.
Merlock: I'm game.
::In Calgary or, to be more specific, Sam's house::
Sam: ~staring into blank space~ I wonder how Greg and Mer are making out in that murder victims house.
Hiei: Did you have to choose your words so loosely? ~frowns~
Sam: Huh? OH! Sick! Mental image!
Hiei: How did you say the old owners died?
Sam: Well the people at the realistate office said, when they found the bodies, they looked like they had been gouged with a rusty razor.
Hiei: Burn. ~starts to wander around the living room then opens the front door~ Hey, mail.
Sam: Eht. Who cares, it's all bills.
Hiei: ~brings in a wad of envelopes~ Hey, this one's for you.
Sam: Eht? ~walks over and opens it. A yellow piece of paper drifts out~
Hiei: Let me guess, air miles?
Sam: ~starts foaming at the mouth and glaring angrily at the yellow slip of paper~ Damn them! Damn them all to hell!
Hiei: Whazzat?
Sam: Those punks at the post office said I have to wait 90 days before they can trace that money order! ~points angrily at Hiei~ Look at all the trouble I'm going through to get tapes of YYH! URG!
Hiei: Did it ever occur to you that online auctions are just a ploy for people to get money?
Sam: Oh, all the time. But this guy has two hundred and something positive comments so I thought he should be reliable.
Hiei: Alright. Let's blame it on the postal service then.
Sam: SCORE! You know what this means, right?
Hiei: Bloodshed and mayhem will prevail?
Sam: Gooooooood fire demon! So smart! Now, we need a plan.
Hiei: Let's go to the post office, and work from there.
Sam: Sounds good. Katana?
Hiei: Check.
Sam: Peanut?
Hiei: Check.
Sam: TRSK?
TRSK: Yea, I'm here. I want back at these money hounding bastards too!
Sam: Alright then! Let's go!
::In Wisconsin, in some fancy restaurant (let's call it Pot Of Gold)::
Tabitha: ~sitting at a table, in some fancy dress, staring dreamily at Milliardo~ It was nice of you to bring me here!
Milliardo: Hrm. Yes. I was compelled to do so.
Tabitha: Oh well. We've been stuck in too many sub-plots lately. It's time for us to be focused on for a change.
Milliardo: ~gulps nervously~ Us? Focused on? Just what did you bribe Sam with?
Tabitha: ~waves hand carelessly~ What makes you think any bribing was involved?
Milliardo: No further comment.
::Across the room::
Amber: Wow Trunks! Thanks for bringing me here for a late birthday present!
Trunks: Hey, it's the least I could do. Besides, it got me out of hand cuffs for a few hours.
Random Passer-by: ~gives them a strange look and hurries away~
Amber: Hand cuffs are the only way I can insure that you don't take off in the middle of the night or something!
Waiter: ~coughs, looking a bit pale~ I'm 'Fransico and I'll be your waiter for this evening. Can I interest you in some appetizers?
Amber: Yea, sure! ~skims the menu~ I'll have...everything you have!
'Fransico: Excuse me ma'am? EVERYTHING? You must be mistaken.
Amber: Listen here buddy! I'm a growing girl and I want food and I want it now!
Trunks: Better not argue with her. It could get ugly.
'Fransico: Um...right away. And you, sir?
Trunks: Same as her.
'Fransico: ~stutters~ Alright...just a moment. ~walks away quickly~
Amber: Heh! This is going to be fun! Want to freak out the waiter all night?
Trunks: Mise well.
::Back in the crummy apartment::
Merlock: ~staring at a huge pile in the middle of the room~ Okay. So we've found about a dozen insecticide bottles, roach motels, a battery powered alarm clock, a few old boxes of Corn Flakes, a half drunken bottle of blue Sambuca, a few Asian porn tapes, post its, and 'How To Draw Bunnies, Art Book For Gifted Children'. What sick PERVERTS lived here?!
Greg: Who knows. I wonder if they had a bug problem or if it's just coincidence they have all this stuff.
Merlock: I don't want my children in any bug ridden place!
Greg: I don't SEE any bugs...
Merlock: ~holds Pyper and Ziggy protectively~ That doesn't mean there aren't any. I HATE bugs.
Author's note: I missed that episode...~sad sniff~
Greg: We can always set out the roach motels.
Grelock: ~yawns, showing his (for lack of better word) fangs~
Merlock: ~sighs~ First thing first. Get the kids to bed. ~glares icily at the alarm clock~ And by the looks of things, go to sleep. I've got work tomorrow.
Greg: DAMN! I've got a model shoot tomorrow!
Merlock: There's only one option. We've got to get a baby-sitter.
~ominous thunder~
Greg: Where are we going to find a baby-sitter?
~ominous thunder~
Both: ~look at the phone~
::At Sam's::
Phone: ~rings~
Silence.
Phone: ~rings another three times~
Answering Machine: *BEEP* Hi, you've reached the Kelley residence, we're not home right now so we'll call you back.
Merlock: Sam? Hiei? Anyone? Oy...~hangs up~
::At Tabby's::
Phone: ~rings~
Missy: ~picks it up~ YO.
Merlock: Uh...is...Tabitha...there?
Missy: Nah. She's on a date with her boyfriend! Amber's there too.
Merlock: I...see.
Missy: Okay! I have to go now! The walls are speaking to me.
Merlock: Alright then.
Missy: ~hangs up~ She sounded strange!
::At Brenda's::
Phone: ~rings~
Brenda: ~singing along with the TV~ You make me feel! Oh you make me feel like a NATURAL WOMAN! WOMAN! ~turns down the volume~ Oh! The phone! ~runs over and picks it up~ Hello? Konnichi wa? Buenus dios? Mooch guenos? Oughten shlater?
Merlock: Brenda! Thank god, a NORMAL person!
Brenda: Teh heh!
Merlock: Can you do us a huge favor?
Brenda: Hm...my Fang magnet˜ senses trouble! What is it girly boy?
Merlock: Well, we both have to work tomorrow and we need someone to watch the kids.
Brenda: What a dillema! This calls for the Great Brandoni! Of course I will help you and whale man! Our kind sticks together!
Merlock: Right. Well, thanks! Do you have the new address?
Brenda, no, scratch that, The Great Brandoni: Why yes, I do!
Merlock: Alright. Can you be here by nine?
The Great Brandoni: Of course girly boy! I shall see you then! Tah! ~hangs up~ Bwahahahaha! Another job well done for the Great Brandoni! Wait, the job hasn't actually started, has it... bah!
::At The Pot Of Gold::
Tabitha: Milliardo, how about we get some wine?
Milliardo: But you aren't the legal drinking age!
Tabitha: But YOU are.
Milliardo: I'm not giving alcohol to a minor!
Tabitha: PUH-LEASE! It's not like I've never had alcohol in my life before! Infact, just last week I was at this awesome keg party, and there was drugs, booze, chip 'n dale dancers...
Milliardo: ~jaw drops~
Tabitha: So! Let's get some '75 hard stuff!
Milliardo: If I say no, am I going to be handcuffed to the table all night?
Tabitha: Yes.
Milliardo: Do I have a choice?
Tabitha: No.
Milliardo: Alright then. ~sighs~ Waiter, a bottle of white wine.
::Across the room::
Amber: ~flicking food at people at the next table~ Trunks, this is the best birthday present ever!
Trunks: ~looks at the food strewn across the table~ I'll say!
Amber: ~starts to munch on a chicken wing~ I say we stuff ourselfs until we puke, then eat some more, then go into the bathrooms and smear chicken grease on the walls, and after THAT, we can eat some more!
Trunks: Sounds pretty good.
Amber: I wonder what Tabby and Milliardo are doing. I would have thought they'd have joined us in a food fight!
Trunks: Are you kidding? Milliardo told me Tabitha would rather be shot in the head than publicly humilate herself.
Amber: Hey, she plays the penis game just like everyone else! Say...that gives me an idea...
Trunks: No way. You do that and we'll get kicked out of here so fast our clothes will be in next week.
Amber: Speaking of which...I think I'm going to end up getting food all over my dress. And you've got crumbs on your tux.
Trunks: ~brushes them off hastily~ Oh WAITER!
'Fransico: Yes good sir?
Trunks: The lady would like to order now.
Amber: I would? I mean, yea! What's your special tonight 'Frisco?
'Fransico: ~sniffs in that snootie waiter way~ The name is 'FRANsico. Our special today is ala cooked maritime lobster with a side dish of shrimp or a 17oz New York steak.
Amber: OoOoOo! I'll have the lobster!
Trunks: I'll have the steak.
'Fransico: Very well. ~walks off~
Amber: What crawled up his ass and died?
Trunks: A squirrel.
Amber: Wouldn't doubt it.
~a high pitched giggle echoes through out the room~
Amber: What the...oh no! Milliardo got Tabby into the booze!
Trunks: How can you tell?
Amber: ~points to Tabitha who is, at the current moment, laughing while chugging wine out of a bottle~
Trunks: I see.
Tabitha: ~slurred~ And THEN, this guy comes up to me an' says, 'heysh theresh'! HEH HEH HEH!
Milliardo: ~sends a pleading look to Trunks and Amber~ Help me!
Trunks: God Trunks, be a man! Take advantage of the situation!
Milliardo: WHAT?! Where's you honor?!
Trunks: I meant eat all the food while you can! Moron!
Milliardo: OOOO! I see!
Amber: I thought this was going to be a quiet evening...
Trunks: You're the one who wanted to start food fights and stuff.
Amber: I was just kidding! ~turns to face the people in the next table who are covered with food~ You know I was just kidding, right?
Rich Woman: Why, I never!
Amber: See?
'Fransico: ~comes up with two platters~ Here you go...enjoy.
Trunks: That was fast.
Amber: ~busy trying to stab the lobster with a pick~ Need...meat...in claws...~one of the claws breaks off and goes flying across the restaurant hitting some crazy looking guy named Brian~
Brian: WHAT THE HELL?! AH! MY FRICKING EYE!
Amber: Uh oh...
Tabitha: ~giggle~ Amber made a boo-boo!
Trunks: ~whistles~ Way to go! ~tries to cut the steak and it goes flying across the other side of the room hitting some blue haired bishounen named Garb~ Whoops.
Garb: ~immediatly pulls out a *very* large dagger~ Stalking me are you my little vampire?! Come out you ugly son of a whore! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! ~leaps towards the nearest table and hacks the occupants up~
Brian: That's so IT! Everyone in here is dead! And not like...TED dead...but DEAD dead! ~runs outside~
Amber: I think we should leave.
Trunks: Oh, agreed. Very agreed.
Milliardo: Help me over here!
Tabitha: ~standing on the table, dancing~ Let me tell you a story 'bout the call that changed my destiny! Me and my boys went out just to end our misery! Was about to go home and there she was standing infront of me! I said hi, got a little place near by! Come on Milliardo! ~grabs Milliardo and hauls him up and the table~ WE'RE GOING TO A PLACE NEAR-BY! GOTTA GO!
Milliardo: Trrrrrrrunks! Help meeeeeeee!
Trunks: Can't! ~ducks as Garb swings the dagger~ Crazy guy after me!
Milliardo: Kill him and help me!
Trunks: I...I can't kill a fellow bishounen! It's just not right!
Garb: ~swings the dagger again and barely misses Trunks, instead hitting the rich woman~ My bad.
~'Bad Case of Loving You' starts playing and a black jeep comes driving through the restaurant window~
Mysterious Music coming from somewhere: Doctor doctor, gimme the news! i got a bad case of loving you!
Brian: Die, suckers! Bwahahahahahaha! ~starts running over people~
Garb: ~bites Trunk's neck~
Trunks: What the hell?! ~slaps him across the face, thus resulting in a bitch fight~
Amber: ~dodging food that is being thrown from all corners of the room~ I should have known this would turn bad.
Milliardo: ~trying to pry out of Tabitha's grip as she kisses him~ Heeeeelp me! Drunk woman attacking! Drunk woman attacking!
Tabitha: I will be late so don't stay up and wait for me! My battery is low, so you know, I'm going to a place near-by! Gotta gooooooo! ~jumps off the table and drags Milliardo out the door~ GOTTA GO!
Amber: Trunks! Quick! Follow them! There's no telling what Tabby will do when she's drunk!
Trunks: ~manages to hurl Garb across the room~ Okay!
'Fransico: ~comes out of nowhere wielding an axe~ You have ruined my restaurant! Take this you lousy street scum!
Amber: AH! Cheerleading...kick! ~kicks 'Fransico in the face~
'Fransico: ARG! ~falls over and impales himself on the axe~
Brian: Bwahehehehehe! ~still happily running people over in his jeep~ And to think, I was actually going to LEND this to Linds! I must have been out of my mind! DIEEEEEE!
Amber: Cheerleading paid off! Yes! Go me! Go me! Go me! Go go go!
Trunks: ~grabs Amber and drags her out the hole in the wall the jeep made, just as an extremely short, blonde person clad in black jumps in the room and starts whacking Garb with a very large stick~ Let's get out of this madhouse.
::At the post office::
Sam: Hiei, I feel that I'm missing a Beer Bottle Brawl˜ somewhere...
Hiei: There's always a B.B.B˜ happening somewhere in the world. Don't worry. Besides, if the rumors about postal workers are true, then we're about to walk straight into the fray.
Sam: I guess you're right. ~approaches the desk~ Um, hello, I'd like to speak to someone about a lost money order?
Some Fat Lady...let's call her Big Bertha: Naaaaah.
Sam: Excuse me?
Big Bertha: Naaaaaaaaah!
Sam: Perhaps you misunderstood me. I said I would like to speak to someone about a lost money order.
Big Bertha: ~pulls out a letter opener~ Listen kid, I'll give you ten seconds to back away slowly. We don't lose nuttin! Get out!
Sam: I just wanted to ask-
Big Bertha: GET!
Sam: Come on Hiei...~walks out the door~
Hiei: What?! Are you giving up that easily?
Sam: No way! Follow me! ~runs around back to where a giant mail truck is parked~ We'll climb aboard, stowaway until we get to postal worker central, then attack when they least expect it!
Hiei: You evil child you!
Sam: Yes, I know! ~dives into a few bags of mail~
Hiei: ~likewise~
Sam: ~starts whistling~ Give me the strength to carry on. With all our love we can't go wrong. Only together we face the fight. Nothing can stand against our might!
Hiei: What the hell were you downloading?
Sam: Oh...that midi...that used to be on the old Ax's page. Yea. I found it after I turned on the TV yesterday and voila! There it was!
Hiei: I'm scared to ask what show.
Sam: Good. Don't.
::Some scrungy apartment::
Merlock: ~yawning, sitting on the couch~ So... kids are asleep and we have a baby-sitter for tomorrow. What now?
Greg: ~shrugs~ The smart thing would be to sleep. Then again, we're not smart are we?
Merlock: Nope. We have several options. A) Watch the cheap Asian porno tapes. B) Learn how to draw bunnies. C) Drink the rest of the Sambuca until we don't care what's what anymore!
Greg: C. Final answer.
Merlock: WOO! ~grabs the bottle and takes a swig~
~after about five minutes...~
Greg: ~finishes off the Sambuca~ Did I ever *HIC* tell you...*HIC* that you have REAL pretty eyes? *HIC*
Merlock: ~laughing like a drunken maniac (which, at the moment, he is)~ And did I ever tell you, you look hot in plaid?
Both: ~fall over laughing and hiccuping~
Greg: ~trying to talk while laughing~ Did I ever tell you *HIC* that Sue is really a man?
Merlock: NO! Reaaaally? *HIC*
Greg: ~drunken nod~ It's *HIC* true! She's a manly man! I mean, he!
Merlock: Okay, okay, I got one. Did I ever tell you *HIC* that *HIC* Bindi used to *HIC* be a waitress at HOOTERS?
Greg: HA! I could be a better waitress than her any day!
Merlock: Mm hmm. No contest.
Greg: *Hic* Ehhhhh... how about we draw some bunnies?
Merlock: ~shrugs~ *hic* Fine by me *hic*
::In the mail truck, heading Bob knows where::
Sam: ~shifting through piles of mail~ Look, letters to Santa.
Hiei: I found threats to Bill Gates.
Sam: ~gasps~ Wait! These are all from the 70's!
Hiei: They've been holding out on us!
Sam: Those postal bastards!
Hiei: Hey! Here's a new letter! ~opens it~
Sam: Hiei, that's other people's mail! ~pauses~ Find anything good?
Hiei: Let's see...~eyes go wide~ Dear...GOD!
Sam: What? What? Let me see!
Hiei: ~shakes head mutely~ Disgusting! ~tosses the letter away~ Just a naked picture of Bill Clinton.
Sam: UGH! The horror!
Hiei: Here's an interesting looking envelope. ~opens it~ From the US postal service. ~skims it~ 'Operation 'Toast Post' is going splendidly. All outward mail has been seized and is being held in the secret underground location -Wa che che cha cha - you know. Since we haven't been able to find those government photos taken from Area51, mail will continue to be hoarded until we finally do. Lt. Chuck.'
Sam: WOW! Who would have thought the postal service is hoarding mail in order to stop the truth about Area51 from getting out into the public.
Hiei: And now we're on to their conspiracy!
Sam: SCORE!
--Interval--
~a lone black car drives along a darkened road. Inside, the two occupants converse~
Agent Fox Mulder: ~singing along with his radio~ Love was out to get me! That's the way it seemed. Disappointment harbored all my dreams. Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Without a trace, way down in my mind! I'm in love, oooooo I'm a believe, I couldn't leave her if I tried!
Agent Dana Scully: Mulder, turn that trash off!
Mulder: But...it's the Monkees! Have you no appreciation for great music, Scully?
Scully: Yes. This is NOT good music.
Mulder: But it's the OLDIES station!
~a battle for the radio station initiates~
Mulder: This is my car, so I get to pick the radio station!
Scully: This isn't your car! It's the F.B.I rental car, dumbass!
~the radio starts hissing and smoke starts billowing from the dials~
Mulder: Way to go Scully! Your love for the Red Hot Chili Peppers has killed us all!
Scully: Actually, you're the one who likes them. I like normal bands, not ones who put socks on their genitals while performing.
Author's note: It's true. MTV shows the darndest things!
Author's conflicting thoughts: Is darndest even a word?
Author: Shut up you!
Mulder: ~checks a map while driving~ Hm. According to this, the house we want is just up ahead.
Scully: Mulder! Swerve, lamp post!
Mulder: Whazzat?
~the car crashes~
Scully: ~sprawled twenty feet away from the car~ You idiot!
Mulder: ~halfway through the windshield~ We're...here...
Scully: So I noticed. There's a gigantic pile of rubble over there, and a bunch of blood on the ground. What was your first clue?
Mulder: The...map... I think my internal organs are starting to fail!
Loud, annoying voice: More hooligans?!
Scully: ~stands up~ Ms. Pringle? Agent Dana Scully, F.B.I. We got a call about an attacking 'demon'?
Ms. Pringle: ~opens the door to her house and wobbles out, wearing a neck brace~ Aye! An evil demon! It attacked me and almost done me in!
Mulder: Fox Mulder. Can you describe this demon?
Ms. Pringle: It was blue and had big TEETH!
Scully: Fangs?
Ms. Pringle: Yar! And it had the strangest hair! Blonde 'n spikey! It was about a foot tall, and disguised as a baby!
Scully: Uh huh. Are you on any medication?
Ms. Pringle: No no no. X-lax and that's only after I eat green beans. So, can you hunt this thing down and kill it or something?
Scully: You see Ms. Pringle, we need a little bit more evidence. In the call you said it was during a storm and was dark out. Maybe you were mistaken. Who knows, it might have been a rabid squirrel or dog that attacked you.
Ms. Pringle: It was a demon I tell you! It was a house full of demons!
Mulder: Dizzy from blood loss...~manages to get out of the windshield~ A housefull?
Ms. Pringle: Yes! Two men, and six other demons! They were all cultist!
Mulder: Can you describe the men.
Ms. Pringle: Eh...both about medium height, one was blue with purple hair and had one fang, the other was pale and had blonde hair...
Scully: I've heard enough Mulder. This woman is clearly insane.
Ms. Pringle: I heard that you damn hooligan!
Mulder: But Scully...
Scully: No buts Mulder! This is a Hickville! Let the local law inforcement handle it! Come on, we're going home. ~starts walking down the street~
Mulder: Don't mind her, she hasn't her coffee in over three hours.
Ms. Pringle: ~grunts~ Well, I've got to go feed my six hundred and sixty six cats. I hope you, being the sensible one, will find this demon!
Mulder: Of course ma'am. It's my job. ~runs after Scully~ Wait! What about the car!
--End Interval--
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THE MORNING AFTER...
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::Wisconsin::
Amber: Tabitha...Tabby?
Tabitha: ~opens her eyes~ Huh...where am I?
Trunks: ~leans over into view~ Hey, she's finally awake!
Milliardo: ~also leans into view~ Hmpf.
Tabitha: Wha- how did you guys get all dirty and scratched up?
Amber: Um, Tabby, do you remember ANYTHING about last night?
Tabitha: No, nothing after I had that wine...oh no...what did I do?
Amber, Trunks and Milliardo: ~share a LOOK~
Tabitha: ~nervous giggle~ Uh...you guys?
Amber: Well, first you ran out of the restaurant with Milliardo-
Trunks: And we had to follow you.
Milliardo: Then, you dragged me across town to a strip joint. But since you didn't want Amber and Trunks to ruin your fun, you left before anything happened.
Amber: After that, we chased you down the street until you stole a patrol car and drove it THROUGH the mall.
Milliardo: Literally.
Trunks: For some reason, you stopped at Le Chateau and bought the most horrendous outfits...
Amber: Totally black leater...
Milliardo: And then you tried to jump off the mall roof...
Trunks: Luckily Milliardo stopped you.
Amber: THEN, you stole a hot air balloon, threw up on Erica who was on her way to some rave or another, crashed into a building, and when we found you ~motions to herself and Trunks~ you were making out with Milliardo.
Milliardo: ~blushes~ I hit my head when we crashed into the building! I was stunned and couldn't do anything!
Trunks: Uh huh.
Tabitha: OHMYGAWD! I'm *SO* sorry! Where are we now?
Amber: In the basement of an abandoned warehouse, where, directly above us, a gangster war is taking place. We're kinda trapped until it's over.
Trunks: Nice going, alchie!
Tabitha: OW...my head...~rolls over~ Wake me up when we can leave.
::SOMEWHERE::
Sam: ~curled up, latched onto Hiei and using him as a pillow~ Mrm...
Hiei: ~grumbles and opens one eye~ Hey! We stopped moving!
Sam: Just five more minutes...
Hiei: ~shakes Sam~ Wake up!
Sam: ~opens eyes groggily~ Ugh...my mouth tastes like a bus stop floor...
Hiei: Actually, you were chewing on my hair in your sleep. Did you know you talk, kick, and move alot in your sleep?
Sam: Mmm...yea. Comes from the Kelley side of my family. Was my speech literate?
Hiei: Sounded like you were saying, 'die, Justin, die.' Then you trailed off into insane laughter and, 'yes, corn fritters would be great.'
Sam: Eeeeh...I don't remember what I was dreaming about. Anyways, quick, take cover! ~dives into a pile of mail, dragging Hiei with her~
Some Guy: ~opens the door and begisn shovelling mail into a sack, unknowingly putting Sam and Hiei in as well~
::An upper-lower class apartment...::
Merlock: ~cracks open one eye to the sound of singing~ Oh my aching head! ~surveys the situation~ Oy...Greg, could you kindly get off of me?
Greg: ~asleep, sprawled on top of Mer, facing the ceiling~ Yawn.
Merlock: ~shoves him off~ I'm gonna be late...
Greg: ACK! ~hits the floor~ OW! What did you do that for?!
Merlock: You fell asleep on me...infact, your hand was damn near up my nose!
Greg: ~moans~ My head hurts! Did we drink all that Sambuca?
Merlock: I guess so...what the hell is that creepy noise?!
~a sword flies through the room and out the window where a pinging noise is heard~
TRSK: Ha ha. Very funny.
Greg: ~moans and yanks the blankets off the bed then crawls under them~ It's Brenda...singing...
The Great Brandoni: ~standing outside the apartment~ Uptown girl...she's been living in her uptown world. I bet she's never had a backstreet guy, I bet her momma never told her why - I'm gonna try!
Merlock: QUIET!
The Great Brandoni: Girly boy! Could you open the door?
Merlock: Yea, maybe when I'm in something MORE than boxers...
**AUTHOR WARNING**: NO! You sick, sick, sick minded people! Get your minds out of the gutter! Just because he's in boxers...and woke up with someone on top of him doesn't mean anything happened! Okay, so I'm really reaching here but THAT's what alcohol does to you! Don't drink and do stuff. Don't drink period.
Greg: ~crawls towards the door and opens it~ Eh.
The Great Brandoni: Hello there, whale man! I think you're late for work!
Greg: Eh...~crawls back to the bedroom and under the sheets~
Merlock: ~comes running out, completely dressed in NORMAL clothes, and dashes into another room~
The Great Brandoni: Hm. Late night?
Merlock: ~comes running back out, feeding Pyper from a bottle he got from...somewhere...~ More than you know...
^^Mitchell: So Sam...more than you know, huh?
Sam: Fuck you. I didn't mean to say that.
Mitchell: Sure, sure!^^
The Great Brandoni: ~spots the empty bottle~ Booze and cheap asian porn. Hm. I see!
Merlock: It was NOT like that! ~sets Pyper on the floor, inbetween some pillows so she can't hurt herself~ Are you going to help me feed the kids? I'm late as it is! ~runs back down the hall~ Greg, get off your ass!
Greg: ~slurred~ After you...
Merlock: Do I have to do everything?! ~yanks the covers away~ GET UP, NOW!
Greg: My EARS!
The Great Brandoni: Heh! ~feeding Bob and Ziggy from bottles~
Merlock: ~kicks him in the ribs and dumps a shirt and socks on him~ NOW! MOVE! You're gonna be LATE!
Greg: Alright, alright! ~pulls on the shirt and socks, while hopping towards the door~
Merlock: Can you handle the kids from here?
The Great Brandoni: Of course! No task is too great for The Great Brandoni! Hence the great part!
Merlock: Uh huh. Feed them now, again at twelve, and again at three if neither of us are back. They have a nap at one, and make sure to find something to put on their gums to numb the teething pain? Got it, good! ~pulls Greg out the door with him while yelling~ And the diapers are in their room!
The Great Brandoni: Ah...danger! I love it!
::In the secret base of the postal workers::
Sam: ~peeks out out of the mail sack~ WOW! Look at all the mail! There must be hundreds of thousands of billions of letters!
Hiei: ~pops up beside her~ Ba-JESUS! Where are we?
TRSK: You're in an undergound base, in the North pole. A little south of the North pole but you get the idea. Infact, the base is made completely of a new amazing metal called gellite. It's virtually inpregnable. You're about three hundred feet underground, with an army of deranged postal workers less than thirty feet away.
Sam: Thanks, TRSK!
TRSK: No problem. Do you guys want guns? Or grenades? Or an army of barney clones? Or Garb? Or Merton? Say it and it will be done!
Sam: I think we can handle it for awhile.
TRSK: If you say so-OOo! ~gets side tracked~ Score! 200NP!
Sam: Such a weak, fragile mind...
Hiei: Do we just go out there and Peanut their asses?
Sam: Then all the letters will be burned, including my money order! We have to find it!
Hiei: Are you crazy?! That will take forever!
Sam: ~lip trembles~ I WANT MY YYH TAPES!
Hiei: SHH!
Postal Worker #1: I hear something! It sounds like a whining child!
Postal Worker #2: Yarg! Spies! From the millitary! Get your guns, men!
Big Bertha: Ahem.
Postal Worker #2: And women!
Sam: Whoops. ~jumps out of the bag and stands spread eagle infront of it~ I'm on to your little plan!
Postal Worker #1: It's a kid!
Big Bertha: YOU!
Sam: That's right! All I wanted was to send a money order so I could get some tapes. Is that so much to ask? Instead, I find out you all have been hounding our mail, trying to find some old thing from Area51! Come on guys! Mail occasionally being lost is one thing, but you've gone too far!
Deranged Postal Worker: She's onto us! Get her!
Hiei: ~hops out of the bag~ HOLD IT!
Another Postal Worker: A short man! In a dress!
Hiei: ~growls~
Sam: Listen to me! You guys are stealing people's property! Some people pour their hearts and souls into letters, and other crazy people make letter bombs! Each envelope contains a part of a person! You postal workers are stealing what makes up the fabric of our communication system! You should be ashamed!
Some Postal Worker Guy: Hey...she's right! The government can't make us do this! I say, we give back the mail!
All Postal Workers: Yea!
Voice: NOT SO FAST!
Hiei: I thought that was my line!
Sam: It's J. Edgar Houver!
J. Edgar: That's right! You all thought I was dead, but I'm not! I've just been cryogenically frozen for the past fifty years! HA! If it's a revolt you want, it's a revolt you'll get! Keanu! Lawrence! Get 'em! FETCH!
~Keanu Reeves and Lawrence Fishburn come flying in, dressed in Matrix attire, and begin to shoot the postal workers while the Matrix theme plays~
Hiei: DOWN! ~tackles Sam and they go skidding into a pile of mail~
J. Edgar: Bwa! Bwahaha! BWAHAHAHA! The secret, is SAFE!
Sam: ~jumps up angrily~ Okay, you asked for it. TRSK!
TRSK: Right! I'll damn well get my tapes if it's the last thing I ever do!
Sam: Take this! ~jumps up and begins running on the ceiling~
Mr. T: ~appears out of nowhere~ I pity da foo' who brought me here while I was drinkin' my milk!
Hiei: It was them! ~points to Keanu, J. Edgar, and Lawrence~
Mr. T: ARG! It's headbashin' time, T style foo's! ~goes off and starts pounding Keanu~
Hiei: ~points to J. Edgar~ You're mine, bitch! ~jumps at J. Edgar and hacks him into tiny pieces with his katana~
Sam: ~punches Lawrence through one of the gellite walls and falls to the ground, trench coat flailing Keanu style~
Hiei: ~looks up from the pile of boody parts~ Nice coat.
Sam: Thanks. ~it fades away~ Eht.
Mr. T: I tol' you! Mista T don' like no mamma's boys! ~slaps Keanu and he starts crying~ Got it, BEOTCH?! ~throws him through the hole Lawrence made~ I pity da foo'!
Sam: ~looks at the remaining postal workers~ You guys gonna deliver this mail, pronto?
All: ~nod rapidly~
Sam: Good. Mr. T is gonna stay and supervise. Right Mr. T?
Mr. T: Hey, you dat kid who gave me da milk an' da go'd chains!
Sam: Yea! WORD!
Mr. T: Okay little cracka. ~points to the postal workers~ Get this sorted now ya foo's!
Sam: ~grabs Hiei and edges out the door~ And make sure the letter from Sam Kelley gets sent via express!
TRSK: Hm. Good job.
Sam: Yea, thanks for implanting those fake memories in Mr. T's head!
TRSK: Fake? Huh? No no no. I'll throw that into another story and say it's from before this.
Sam: Isn't that messing with the fabric of fiction?
TRSK: I can do whatever the hell I want! And right now, I'm gonna get some more chocolate milk! You two...bah...I'm too lazy to write up how you guys get home and stuff.
~there's a loud pop and Sam and Hiei fall onto the couch at Sam's house~
Sam: Damn. For a second I thought she was gonna throw us in Des's place!
Hiei: Then I could beat Sue with a hammer...
Sam: Save it for next time. Talk later, sleep now. ~passes out on the floor~
::In Wisconsin::
Amber: ~after a loud thump~ I think it's over!
Tabitha: Ew! Blood just dripped on my head!
Milliardo: ~singing under his breath~ Here I'm standing in the night... cracks in the floor my only light...alone against my darkest fear, but I sense my friends are here. I draw from each the power I need, an evil mob we will defeat! Give me the strength to carry on. With all our love we can't go wrong! Only together we'll win the fight. Nothing can stand against our might! Cue guitars...
Trunks: Enough of this, let's just go! ~grabs Amber, Tabitha, and Milliardo and flies through the floor boards~
Amber: ACK!
Tabitha: Damn it Trunks! I'm wearing indecent leather here! Put me DOWN!
Trunks: ~lands at Amber's house~ Sorry, I had to end that fast! Milliardo was singing, I was getting the urge to die my hair pink, so that only means one thing! TRSK was getting bored and we don't want to draw anything out longer than we have to!
Amber: I see your point. Well Tabby, I hope you've learned your lesson. You and alcohol don't mix.
Tabitha: ~looks at her feet~ I have. Can I borrow some clothes?
Amber: ~throws hands up in the air~ Just borrow some of Milliardo's! ~storms into the house~
Trunks: Oy.
::Now! Finally! Hence the title!::
The Great Brandoni: ~burping Dorcas~ Heh! You're all so cute when you aren't carnivorous!
Babies: ~blink sleepily~
The Great Brandoni: Now I, the Great Brandoni, who has just changed seven diapers, am going to learn how to draw bunnies while you all sleep! ~flops down on the floor with a pencil and paper~
Grelock: ~yawns and turns his head slightly towards the air vents~
TRSK: Aw crap. I forgot...babies don't talk. Now I have to narrate. Little Grelock heard a strange sound from the air vent. Like...a bug. A bug crawling along. A very BIG big.
~the air vent trembles~
Grelock: ~opens his eyes wide with interest~
TRSK: Then, low and behold! The air vent cover blew off to reveal a monster! Like, a cross between the alien thing of the 'Alien' movies, and something off of 'Starship Troopers!' A big bug with claws, wings, and something to suck out your brain! Plus mouths inside mouths.
Alien Thing: ~gurgles and lunges at the unsuspecting Brenda~
Grelock: ~waves one chubby finger and the alien goes flying through the wall~
The Great Brandoni: ~doesn't even look up~ Damn birds flying into the windows. Stupid creatures.
Grelock: ~giggles and levitates, floating out the window where the alien is hanging on by a pincher~
Alien Thing: ~growls and takes a swipe at him~
Grelock: ~giggles louder and pokes the alien in one of it's compound eyes~
Alien Thing: ARG!
Lady from across the street, nine stories down~ Oh my god! It's a floating baby! Someone, help!
Man: Joan? Are you halucinating again? I told you to take you medic- sweet jesus! She's right!
Joan: Artie, there's a giant bug trying to kill it! Someone call the cops!
Alien Thing: ~manages to bite Grelock's arm~
Grelock: ~bares his fangs and squeezes his eyes shut tightly. The alien starts to vibrate, then explodes all over the building~
Joan: AHHHH! ~faints~
Artie: Sweet Mary, mother of pearl! ~runs to the pay phone~
Grelock: ~floats back in through the window and lands inbetween the pillows on the floor, beside Pyper~ Nanananana...
The Great Brandoni: A-ha! I made a jackrabbit! ~spots the hole in the wall~ Holy fudge! ~looks at the air vent, to pieces of alien entrails on the floor, to the babies~ It must have been a ball of flamming sewege! Ah! Grelock, you're bleeding! ~runs over and picks him (using the term loosely) up~ Good thing I kinda know first aid! I'll need a kitchen knife and some rubbing alcohol! ~dashes from the room~
::Several hours later...::
Merlock: Ugh. Damn Petra and her fricking big cat thing... ~walks in the apartment and his jaw drops~ What in the seven hells happened here?!
Brenda (who's not so great anymore): A ball of flamming sewege came flying through the window, through the air vent, and burnt up? ~has his thumb in Ziggy's mouth~
Merlock: SEWEGE?! Sewege does not leave entrails on the floor! Are my kids alright?!
Brenda: Mm hmm. Just giving them some rubbing alcohol to numb the pain of teething! Grelock got a scratch though...
Merlock: OY! ~scoops up Grelock and looks him all over~ Where? I don't see anything!
Brenda: Well he DID! Right on his arm...
Merlock: There's nothing there... ~walks over to the hole in the wall~ And...isn't rubbing alcohol poisonous?
TRSK: This is MAGIC rubbing alcohol. If I wanted to kill any of you, believe me, I would have done it long ago.
Merlock: ~snorts and glares angrily at the air over his head~ I suppose you aren't going to tell me what happened or fix the apartment...
TRSK: Nope.
Merlock: ~about to start yelling when Greg walks in~
Greg: WHOA! Hel-lo!
Merlock: ~raises a hand before he can say more~ Just DON'T ask, alright? Don't...ask.
Brenda: ~removes his thumb~ I better get going...my mom will beat me if I'm not home for supper. Did I say beat? I meant...punish! Yea! Heh heh heh... Uh...later! Call me if you need me! ~runs out~
Merlock: ~vein in forehead twitching~ I'm going to KILL someone.
Greg: ~leans on Mer's shoulder~ I wouldn't do that. We can get the wall fixed! But...for now let's just call someone to cover it with plastic.
Merlock: ~head droops~ Why us?
Greg: Just lucky I guess.
Merlock: What were you modeling anyway?
Greg: ~blushes~ I was modeling *mumble muble*
Merlock: Whazzat?
Greg: I said... ~cough~ boxers ~cough~ I have to go back tomorrow. I will work my way to the top!
Merlock: Top of the under garments fashion maybe.
Greg: It's still the top of something!
Merlock: ~rubs forehead with his free hand~ Okay. You call Julie, bribe her to baby-sit tomorrow, and I'll make supper.
Greg: That works!
::On an abandoned highway::
~a cell phone rings~
Scully: That's yours.
Mulder: Urg...~crawling on all fours~ Reach into my pocket and get it. I can't. No feeling below my neck...
Scully: ~grabs the phone, flips it open and presses it against Mulder's ear~
Mulder: Urg...Mulder. ~listens then jumps up~ REALLY?! We'll be right there...in a bit! flips it shut~ Scully! There's been another report on demon children! this time we have an address!
Scully: Oh, great! Too bad we're stuck in the middle of nowhere with no car!
Mulder: We have our cells. I wonder why we didn't call for help...
Scully: PAH! Now you think of it!
**Cue Carry On...HERE!::
Narrator: And so, that concludes the YY Files Pre-Stories. Yes, you heard me right. We're moving on to the big leagues BABEE! YEA! YEA! ~coughs~ On the first episode of the YY Files - Mulder and Scully investigate the paranormal...and Julie flies in, armed with artillary. Can you hardly wait?! Are you excited?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES! Coming soon to an Inbox near you.
To Be Continued...