Graduate school is where you learn to call a spade a leveraged tactile-feedback geomass delivery system.
A PhD is like an MD...except they can't help anyone!
My grandmother said, at my graduation and afterlooking at my diploma, "But what kind of a disease is philosophy?"
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Pyschology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Social Theory: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare it with the development of any other kind of thought.
Extra Credit: Define the Universe; give three examples.
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
On one day the plane stopped at Warsaw, and a couple got on and seated themselves on the starboard side of the aircraft. On take-off, the aircraft gyrated violently and crashed. The accident investigation board concluded that the aircraft became unstable in flight because it had a pair of conjugate Poles in the right half of the plane.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; whose who can't...teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
"My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing." The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!"
After she married her 9th husband, she married a lawyer from legal. She was so happy she told one of her girlfriends. "Now I know I'm really going to get F**ked."
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. However, when I ran Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory, and left undesirable traces of the application in the system. All versions of Girlfriend that I've used are totally "object orientated" and only support hardware with gold plated contacts. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
Honest.
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter `c' would be dropped to be replased either by `k' or `s', and likewise `x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which `c' would be retained would be the `ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform `w' spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish `y' replasing it with `i' and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez `c', `y' and `x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais `ch', `sh', and `th' rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
"I" Before "E": Taught to children in only its abbreviated from, this helpful rhyme can help even the most horrid spellers navigate the tricky waters of the "i" and "e" vowel combination. Below is the complete rhyming rule:
"I" before "E" except after "C" or when souding like "A" as in neighbor and weight ...
... or with common words you should just know, such as weird, their,
beige, foreign, and so
... or when the syllables divide, as in deity, albeit, and reify
... or with many of the religions, from polytheism to atheism
... or when spelling with ease such words as sheik, seizure, and seize
... or ofter after "S" as in seismic, seiche, seidel, seignior, seine,
and others, I guess
... or when science gives you a laugh with cheiloris, luteinizing,
pleistocene, oleic, oneiric, eidograph
... or when it sounds Greek to me, as in apeiron and aseity
... or with the German "ein" as with the doubly potent Einstein
... or when English and French words merge, such as peignoir and
concierge
... or sounding like "e" if you're one to say either, or sounding like
"i" if you're one to say neither
... or with a few more odd words to bear, namely height, heist,
greisen, reiver, veil and heir
And please don't forget that it's "I" before "E" even following "C" as in everyday words such as science, ancient, and society
... or when the Spanish offend ya with the spelling of hacienda, or ...
(James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse News Service. He's in the Washington Post now and then. His latest collection is "Fresh Lies," published by Pocket Books.)
I think "The Empire Strikes Back" would have been more interesting if Darth Vader had turned out to be Luke's mother. Someone brash and commanding, such as Madge the Manicurist from the old Palmolive ads. The Dark side of the Force? Why, you're soaking in it.
Unless I missed something in the course of watching these movies 60 times, we never heard much about Mrs. Skywalker. Luke never asks Obi-Wan about Mom.
Maybe she left Luke's dad because he spent every night down at the Jedi Legion hall and left her with two telekinetic brats. Perhaps she left Luke's dad for Obi-Wan, and that's why Vader turned to the Dark Side. (If so, it makes the scene where the two men fight each other with glowing wands a little too Freudian for my taste.) Given Princess Leia's hairstyle, it is possible Mrs. Skywalker died giving birth.
"The Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite of the Star Wars movies, simply because it contains absolutely no Ewoks. Those nattering teddy bears ruined "Return of the Jedi," turning the grand epic scale of the saga into the Muppet Babies vs. the Red Army.
"Empire" is solid. Ewok-free. Darth Vader is evil throughout, unlike the third movie, where he takes off his helmet and smiles. I can't quite see Darth as evil anymore, because I know his head looks like your big toe after you've been in the bathtub for an hour. "Empire" has the defining plot twist of my generation, the no-Luke-I'm-yer-pappy line that absolutely stunned me. (I'd kept my fingers in my ears for a week before I saw the movie, just so no one could spoil it.)
Compared to this, the revelation in "Return" that Luke and Leia are brother and sister seemed contrived, and made all the PG-sexual tension between them downright creepy. What was next? Boba Fett is your second-cousin, Luke. Jabba is your uncle, the one who always smelled of beer and cigars. He developed a skin condition. Don't mention it, he's sensitive. Oh, and the Wookie is your mother; after your father left, she stopped shaving.
Not everything in "Empire" is perfect. Consider the battle on the Ice Planet Hoth. The Empire sends down a squadron of Imperial Walkers -- incredibly cool machines, but probably the worst piece of military hardware ever designed. Top-heavy, slow, prone to crashing: the Windows 3.0 of tanks. Dropping the Walkers on an Ice Planet is like sending in a dozen Statues of Liberty to fight on a skating rink. They probably sent fifteen Walkers to do the job, but ten slipped and busted a tailbone.
And how did the Walkers get to the planet's surface? Parachutes? Unlikely. There's nothing more ugly than two Imperial Walkers with tangled chutes, kicking at each other. No, a ship delivered them to the surface. If that's the case, the ship had to be very large. Huge. Instead of depositing the Walkers, the ship could have sat on the rebel base like a sumo wrestler squatting on an anthill. The Rebellion is crushed, Lord Vader. Really, really crushed.
More faults: Billy Dee Williams confuses grinning with acting. The Yoda scenes tend to drag the tenth time you've seen them. ("Stall we must. Second act this is. Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up rear were you.")
For all its charms and foibles, though, "Empire" and the whole Star Wars universe is sadly out of date with modern society. When Han Solo slices open the belly of his Hoth-horse to provide warmth, he is not immediately picketed by Animal-rights activists, with signs saying "I'd rather go naked than wear guts." Was there a seven-day waiting period before Luke got his light saber? When the Death Star destroyed that planet, didn't they have to file an environmental impact statement? Most telling moment: when Luke slams his X-wing into Yoda's backyard, I realized something very odd about the Star Wars civilization.
All that high technology, and they never managed to invent the air bag.
The "Darwin Award," as you may remember, is the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by the Coke machine, which toppled over on him as he was attempting to tip for a free soda.
This Year's Winner:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The boys at the lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that this guy somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit which is used to give heavy military transport aircraft an extra push when taking off from short airfields. These are solid fuel rockets which burn as the airplane starts down the runway, then are discarded once the fuel is spent. (They don't have an OFF switch, but burn until the fuel is gone.) He took the JATO and his Chevy Impala out into the desert, found a long stretch of road, attached the JATO to the car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the rocket. The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. The authorities determined that he was doing somewhere between 250-300 mph when he came to that curve.
This Year's Runner Up:
Although this contestant did not kill himself (this time), we expect to be amused with the details of his demise in the near future. This man was in an accident and was therefore required to fill out an insurance claim form. The insurance company contacted him and asked for additional information. This was his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional info for Block 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following details are sufficient. I'm an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of many trips up the tower, brought up some 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the barrel. You will note in Block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of tools, the barrel now weighted approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me down enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I'm sorry to report however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope and ..."