V meets (meats?) ST:TNG (and others)

Episode II

Spock's final, final mission

No, really, we're serious this time!!

By TCS and TSM

[Open with the Enterprise entering orbit around earth]

Picard:

Captain's log, stardate 66492.1. The Enterprise has returned to Earth to attend a special ceremony to mark the 100th anniversary of Star Fleet's most renowned starship, the Enterprise. I am looking forward to meeting some of the most enigmatic figures in Star Fleet history.

[Cut to bridge, Picard is just leaving his ready room]

Picard:

What!?!?!? Riker, what do you mean you need two seats?

Riker:

Captain, you remember my twin, right? He'll be there too.

Picard:

My God. Deanna, who else do we have on the guest list?

Troi:

Let's see... Ambassador Spock, of course... and Admiral McCoy... oh, and Captain Montgomery, Lieutenant Riker... we've also sent our invitations to Q, Sela, Hugh, Ardra, Mudd, Fajo... oh, and while I was sending invitations, I accidentally hit the "send to all" while I had the Enterprise's log for the last 100 years on screen... so there could be up to 3 billion other guests.

Picard:

My God.

[Sudden beeping noise and Worf does something at his console]

Worf:

Sir, incoming message from a barely functioning ship in polar orbit.

Picard:

On screen.

[Static comes up on the screen, it flickers, and a demolished bridge is evident. A single figure is clothed in shadow in the command chair.]

Voice:

Enterprise D! Beam me aboard! Please!

Data:

Sir... That voice... That's...

[Figure steps into the light]

Voice:

Captain James Tiberius Kirk, at your service.

[Commercial and credits]

[Kirk adjusts bad toupee and pulls tight shirt over bulging belly]

Picard:

My God... How did you...

Kirk:

Well, it had to do with-

Riker:

A transporter malfunction?

Kirk:

No. You know how they say that sex is good for you? I'm extremely healthy. [smiles at Deanna]

Picard:

Worf, make arrangements to beam Captain Kirk aboard.

Worf:

[Dragging Deanna with him] Yes sir.

Data:

Sir, we're being hailed by Starfleet academy!

Picard:

Tell them I want valet parking!

Data:

Sir, I'm afraid that the situation is a little more serious than a lack of parking.

Picard:

On screen!

Admiral:

Captain. I am holding you accountable for THIS!

[Close-up of starfleet headquarters. 30-40 people in togas go by in a conga line headed by Diana, Q and Riker's Dad, all wearing brightly coloured bed-sheets and not much else]

Admiral:

[Grasping his grey hair with his fists] Picard, I want you to see to this immediately, or I'll have your rank.

[Several minutes later, at Starfleet Headquarters.]

[Picard, Troi, Data, Riker, Worf and Dr. Crusher enter a corridor crowded with people of all different species. At each corner stand several red-shirts trying desperately to diffuse the crowd. Suddenly the crowd parts. Diana, dressed in a revealing red sheet, approaches, followed by four shock-troopers.]

Diana:

[Smiling charmingly] So... we meet again Picard!

Riker:

So it seems.

Diana:

[Linking arms with a rather reluctant Riker] You seem less than pleased. Perhaps you'll be more relaxed after a few drinks.

Picard:

My God!

[Suddenly Q appears dressed as he was in `Encounter at Farpoint'.]

Q:

You rang, mon capitain??

Picard:

Q! What are you doing here?

Q:

[In an arrogant tone] I was invited!

[Diana smirks at Picard]

[Picard glares at Troi]

[Suddenly they are turned away from the matter at hand by a commotion up ahead...]

[Diana stands in front of six terrified shock-troopers]

Diana:

[Addressing one] ...And further more, don't ever cross me lieutenant...

Lieutenant:

That's Commander...

Diana:

Not any more!

Lieutenant:

But... You can't do that!!!

Diana:

[with an amused smirk crossing her lips as she turns on her heel] We'll discuss what I can and cannot do at your Court Martial.

[Shock troopers retreat]

Q:

Ah, Diana... Looking stunning as always. A pity you allow these apes to gaze upon your beauty!

Diana:

Save your flattery Q. Anyway, I see you, through all of your insults, you continue to waste your precious time with them.

Q:

They amuse me.

Diana:

Much the same reason that I continue to consort with the likes of you!

[Suddenly a light flashes and Ardra appears.]

Picard: Ardra!

Ardra:

[Giggles] Ah, so you remember me Jean-Luc!

Diana:

[Hatred dripping icily from her voice] YOU!!!! You DARE show up here?!?!

Picard:

You've met?

Diana:

Yes. Our dear friend Ardra swindled my aging grandfather out of $20,000,000,000 in one of those tele-marketing scams.

Riker:

[Whispering] I guess genius doesn't run in the family!

[As the group begins to bicker, Bones approaches, walking with a cane]

McCoy:

[Waving cane, yelling and spitting] SPOCK!?!?!?! [mutters] Damn *@!#!?! green-blooded @#?!*@#...

[Kirk and Spock come around the corner]

Kirk:

He's right here you old coot!

Picard:

Hold it! I've had enough! We're all going to sit down and sort out this whole mess... RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McCoy:

Yes! Why am I the only one who looks his age!?!?

[Group is now back on the enterprise sitting around a big conference table.]

Picard:

Now it seems to me that we have several topics to discuss. I have asked Mr. Data to list them for us and enumerate them for the convenience of our "Senior" officers. Mr. Data?

Data:

1. Why is McCoy the only one who looks his age?

2. Why are there so many uninvited guests present?

3. Is it just me or is Diana's sheet falling off?

4. Who cares about Diana's grandfather or his cash?

5. When are we going to get around to the title of this episode?

6. Why in God's name doesn't Picard want Ardra?

7. Who are all of you people?

8. Why exactly did Kirk get all the women?

9. Was it genetically possible for Kirk to get all the women?

10. And finally, does anyone remember why we came here in the first place?

Diana:

1. Oil of Olay.

2. We were invited by your crew.

3. Yes, and thank you for noticing.

4. Grampa might.

5. When I become a vegetarian.

6. Because he'd rather have Earl-Grey, hot.

7. My name is Diana, Supreme Commander of the Serian Fleet, I am the only one in the room who truly matters, except for maybe Q, he is rather sexy!

8. Because women were blind and stupid in the '60's.

9. I'm not sure, but it would explain the elephant man.

10. I can't quite recall... Pass the hors d'euvres.

Picard:

Enough!

McCoy:

[Waking up] Huh?!? What?!?

Spock:

Nothing, go back to sleep!

[McCoy's head drops again]

Kirk:

[Taking 30 minutes to make his "It takes me great effort and pain to express myself" pose]: I... think... I've been... insulted...

Diana:

[Rising] For once, I agree with you, Captain. I've had enough! [walks out]

[Scotty, who has been watching her rear-end as she walks away, loses his balance and falls off of his chair]

Scotty:

Captain, I've fallen and I donna think I can get it up! I'm an engineer, not a miracle worker!

McCoy:

[Grabbing Scotty's walker and walking out] Old fool!

[45 minutes later. Picard is pacing the conference room floor when the door swishes open and a visitor guard walks in]

Picard:

What do you want? [To himself] Please say you've come to eat me and put me out of my misery.

Visitor:

Picard, I've come on behalf of the Supreme Commander. Apparently all of the women on Starfleet property have been kidnapped. Diana's SOS just reached us. They are being held by a man named Mudd and will be auctioned off at 10:30. Diana is upset because if she is still Mudd's prisoner at 10:00 she will miss Donahue.

Picard:

My God!

Riker:

No, no, no, you've already said that.

Kirk:

And damn it, you're stealing my lines!

Data:

Sir, I find it highly improbable that Mudd is still alive after all these years.

Spock:

Listen you Vulcan wanna-be, have you ever considered the probability that we're still alive?

Data:

Approximately 1 in 2 to the 475,492.

Spock:

No, 1 in 2 to the 475,491.

Data:

No, 475,492!

Spock:

91!

Data:

92!

Spock:

Why you...!!

Picard:

Stop it you two!

[Sudden clamour from outside]

Picard:

What was that?

[Door swishes open and Sulu and Chekov run in.]

Sulu:

Greetings, Captain.

Chekov:

Kiptain, it is wery fortunate for we to find you on this wonderful wessaux.

Kirk:

My God! All we need now is Uhura and --

[CRASH - a tinkle of glass as Uhura bursts through the window wearing that skimpy outfit from the 5th movie.]

Spock:

Oh, didn't I tell you, she's Miss Centigenarian this year, and an avid skydiver.

Uhura:

Aaaaa -- Aa, A, A, A - a. . . . . . (Tarzan yodel)

Spock:

She's also senile.

Picard:

Uhura, hack, cough, spit, UHURA! How did you escape Mudd? They said all the women were kidnapped!

Uhura:

Damnit Jim, I'm a psycho bitch from hell, not an escape artist! I canna stan' this questioning! We must find the nuclear wessaux!

Picard:

What nuclear wessaux . . . er, vessels?

Uhura:

[breaks into song] If you're poor, if you're free, follow me, Follow Me! [jumps out the window, everyone follows, and they all land in a convertible shuttlecraft that happened to be floating below. Uhura grabs the pilot and throws him overboard]

Uhura:

Yee-hah!

[Shuttle heads off into the distance]

Riker:

Hey, Worf, didn't you die in the last episode?

Worf:

Have you ever heard of the Genesis planet.......?

[As they head past Denny's, they hear a familiar voice over Uhura's rendition of "Look Down"]

Voice:

Ladies and gentlemen of starfleet! Now, for your bargaining pleasure, we are proud to present... MUDD'S WOMEN: PARTE DEUX! Auction starts in five minutes... Don't miss it!

Data:

Excuse me sir, but I just discovered we've passed a time zone and it is 10:25 already!

Picard:

My God!

Kirk:

There's only one thing we can do! If we fly at the sun at warp 8, we can go backwards in time, kill Mudd's grandfather and stop all of this from ever happening!

Chekov:

Aye-Aye, Kiptain!

Riker:

Wait!!!!

[Entire crew turns around and stares at him]

Picard:

Yes, commander?

Riker:

I'd like to make a small purchase before we go plummeting back though time to the dark ages.

Kirk:

Are you implying that I'm no longer at my prime?

McCoy:

Shut up, you old over-sexed fool!

[Twenty minutes later at Denny's: Lined up in front of the room are Troi, Crusher, Diana and Tasha Yar's corpse; all in uniform. Hundreds of men are yelling out obscenely high bids.]

Riker:

$1,000,000 for Diana!

Spock:

$1,000,001!

Riker:

Shut up, you old fool, $1,000,002!!

[After 5 more hours of intense bidding, Riker walks away with Diana at the end of a rope]

Troi:

[As she is dragged away at the end of a Feringi's rope] You'll pay for this, Will!

Riker:

I did! 3.5 billion dollars to be exact... No thanks to SPOCK!!!!

[Riker glares at Spock who is fondling a protesting Diana]

Diana:

[Trying to beat off Spock] I'll make you a VERY happy man if you untie me!

Kirk:

[Starring lustfully at Diana] McCoy, make me young again!

McCoy:

Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!

Data:

Actually, if you invert the particle phase pattern of the molecular transport chamber, and-

Kirk:

I think I'll try the sun idea.

Picard:

Riker! How the are you going to pay for her?

Riker:

Just like the captain said. We point the Enterprise at the sun, go back in time, kill a bunch of people and none of this will have happened.

Picard:

What? That's an abuse of science, and-

[Two thugs walk in]

Thug 1:

Duh... We're from the Mudd Collection Agency.

[Picard looks glaringly at Riker]

[commercial]

[Later, the Enterprise is hurtling towards the sun. Cut to bridge scene: Diana is lounging on a chair, dressed in filmy white fabric, hair that pulled up in that "Bun that exploded in curls/Greek Goddess" look; eating grapes fed to her by Riker who is in a full body cast]

Diana:

You people are all insane, you know!

Picard:

Oh, and you're just the poster-girl for sanity!

Diana:

[Accepting another grape] Whell, at least I've never sent my entire crew hurtling towards our sun and imminent doom.

Picard:

Well for someone who is so convinced we're all going to die, you seem awfully calm.

Diana:

Stupid, foolish human. You --

[A crash and a flash of light, then the screen goes white.]

[Commercial]

[Screen comes back to normal.]

McCoy:

We're alive! Damnit, Jim, we're alive!

Diana:

So!? I'm entitled to one mistake!

Riker:

[desperately trying to sit up again] I think I'd rather be dead . . .

Picard:

Okay, Data, when are we?

Data:

April 15, 1994, 1:44 pm and 23 seconds.

Kirk:

Okay, let's go down, find some whales --

McCoy:

Damnit Jim, you're going senile!

Diana:

You people are all insane! I should have gone on shore leave in the Gamma-quadrant!

Riker:

Come on, we gotta kill someone so that Mudd will never have his stupid auction and I will never be put in this stupid cast and --

Kirk:

And we all know that Mudd used to live in Southern Hawaii. . .

Worf:

Then we attack Hawaii!

Picard:

Worf, wait!

[Worf hits a couple buttons. Outside shot of the Enterprise phasering (and roasting) Hawaii]

Kirk:

Oops. . . that was Spock's mother that lived in Hawaii...

Spork:

Who's Spock?

Diana:

That's it! I'm sick and tired of all this idiocy! I'm commandeering your ship in the name of sanity and we're all going on vacation in ancient Greece! At least there I'll get the respect I deserve.

Picard:

My God!

Riker:

I may be pitifully disabled and immobile, but you're still my property and I say we go to Disney!

[Diana walks up to Riker and flicks him on the chest. Riker teeters and then crashes to the floor, starting a domino effect that wipes out Spock, Kirk, McCoy, and some blue-coat walking onto the bridge.]

Riker:

Greece sounds good. . .

Spock:

Where am I? Who am I? Who are you? Anybody feel like a burrito?

Picard:

[as he is dragged off the bridge] You can't do this! My God, I'm the Captain!

Data:

Actually, sir, you won't be born for another 178 years, so you can't be the Captain.

Picard:

What?

[At this point, the tact chip in Data's positronic brain explodes.]

Data:

For Chrissake's, I'm sick and tired of having to repeat myself 12 times every time I open my mouth just to clarify the information for you humans!

Picard and Kirk:

My God!

Picard:

Data, what's going on?

Data:

My F*$@&ing tact chip's blown, you s#&$* d*#¡! humans!

Riker:

Who cares? I've got a debt to settle.

[cut to outside, a beautiful, inspiring fly-by of the earth. Cut back inside]

Kirk:

Sulu, put us in geo-synchronous orbit over the north pole.

Sulu:

Uh, sir, that's impossible, as --

Kirk:

Damn it, I didn't ask you is it was possible, I just told you to do it!

Sulu:

Yes, sir!

Picard:

[panicked] What are you doing to my ship??

Diana:

You mean MY ship.

Kirk:

This is my mission, you over-aged archaeologist! Now sit down or I'll throw you in the brig!

Picard:

B-b-but. . .

Kirk:

I outrank you!

Diana:

Hah, I outrank you all, and I've got the big guns!

Kirk:

[looking at Picard] She's got a point, you know.

Scotty:

Perhaps we should discuss this over a drink!

McCoy:

You old drunken fool!

Kirk:

No, I agree!

[10 minutes later in 10-4-ward]

Diana:

. . . Look, so you're the oldest, Kirk, and Picard, you're the one with the least hair, but I've got the highest rank, IQ, and weapons supply --

Whole room:

NORM!

[Norm Peterson taps Diana on the shoulder]

Diana:

[wheeling around and glaring at him] WHAT!??!

Norm:

[looking past Diana] Hey, Cliffy, pass the peanuts!

Diana:

So it's settled then, I'm in charge!

Picard and Kirk:

I'm not giving up my ship without a fight!

Picard:

My Ship!

Kirk:

My Ship! [throws a punch and misses, swinging 360 degrees]

Diana:

[ducking out of the way behind Steven Segal who just materialized on board] Whell, It looks like the boys will get their fight after all!

[Big fight scene ensues. Picard and Kirk square off in the centre of 10- 4-ward, swinging and completely missing each other. Around them, Segal, Ford, Willis, Schwarzeneggar, Stalone, Reeve, Weaver, and about 50 other muscular people beat up on each other, red shirts, and shock troopers, half of them using fists, half with phasers, and half with swords and clubs. Bodies start piling up.]

All:

Ung. . . Er. . . AAHHH. . . Ooof. . . Uuhhhhh. . .

[commercial interlude]

[return to a bloodied 10-4-ward. Picard and Kirk are still going at it while everyone else is lying exhausted on the floor. Suddenly, Kirk swings, Picard ducks, and they both fall down.]

Kirk:

Doctor! Someone get me a Doctor!

[A weird humming noise occurs. A guy in a dark coat and a scarf with curly hair runs in.]

Kirk:

Who are you?

Dr. Who:

Yes.

Kirk:

No, Who are you?

Dr. Who:

Exactly.

Kirk:

Huh?

Dr. Who:

No, Who.

Kirk:

What?

Dr. Who: Who!

Kirk:

What?!?

Dr. Who:

Who!!!

[Steven Segal turns around and a dead guy drops from his grasp to the floor]

Segal:

Wha?

Dr. Who:

No!!! WHO!!!

Diana:

[crawling out from under a table] What I think the gentleman is trying to say is, his name is Who.

Data:

I believe this is an early 20th century form of comedy stemming from a skit called "Who's on first." Idiots!

Kirk:

Yes, but WHO is he?

Dr. Who:

Exactly, I am Who!

Segal:

Shall I kill him now?

Diana:

Hold it everybody! If you won't listen to my genius and you won't listen to your rather rude little friend, then perhaps you'll listen to the guy with the bad hair.

Dr. Who:

Who?

Diana:

Yes.

Dr. Who:

Who?

Diana:

You! You're the one with the bad hair!

Dr. Who:

What? I like my hair.

Data:

He's on second.

Dr. Who:

Who's on second?

Data:

No, Who's on first.

Dr. Who:

I don't know!

Data:

He's on third.

Dr. Who:

My brain hurts.

[a metallic dog slides on screen]

K-9:

Master, time for your morphine injection.

Dr. Who:

Yes, K-9, I'm coming. [walks off in a daze]

Diana:

[lifting her head after banging it on Steven Segal's chest until she was seeing triple] Steven dear?

Segal:

Yes?

Diana:

You may kill him now.

Segal:

Good. [reaches behind him, grabs a Light Anti-tank Weapon from behind his back, aims, and fires. The rocket flies past the Doctor, through the open door of a police box, keeps going, and eventually blows up the Doctor's collection of authentic Elvis mementos. The Doctor falls in shock, and sits on K-9, who heads off like those little electric cars that bump into things. Segal fires again, blowing away the Doctor, K-9, and the bar table that Guinan was hiding behind.]

Picard:

Hey, didn't you die last episode?

Guinan:

Uuh. . . ever hear of the Genesis Planet? [dies]

Diana:

[peeking over Picard's shoulder] Damn, don't you just hate it when they won't stay dead?!!?

Segal:

Hey, you!

Picard and Diana:

[turning] WHO?

Kirk:

Don't start that again!

Segal:

You, the beautiful brunette in the white filmy thing!

Diana:

I guess that would be me!

Segal:

Yeah, you! After all that killing, I need to relax. My quarters, 5 minutes!

Picard:

How did he get quarters on my ship?

Kirk:

MY ship!

Diana:

MY SHIP!

[CRRRAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!]

Kirk:

What the #@&! was that?!?!

Data:

My calculations indicate that we have crashed on Earth. Somewhere in the middle of Idaho.

Whole cast (and directors, too): MY GOD!

Jane Badler (actress playing Diana):

[walking off the stage] Uh, this wasn't in the script.

Stewart, Segal, Spiner, Shatner, Badler, Goldburg, Dorn:

Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

Segal:

Okay, [WACK - Stewart, Spiner, Shatner, Badler, Goldburg, and Dorn go flying against a wall]

Diana:

Oooh. . . I like that in a man.

[commercial]

Diana:

[to Segal, who is heading offstage] Where are you going?

Segal:

Those 976 ladies look good. . .

Diana:

What?!?! You. . . you. . . you. . . MALE! [pulls out assault weapon and vaporizes Segal]

[The rest of the extras start inching off the stage.]

Diana:

Get bach here! [they don't] Then take this! [FZZAAPPP!]

[Diana misses the crew, but takes out camera 3, kills two boom operators, and a best boy.]

Diana:

Damn it, I'm sick and tired of all of this crap you men put me through! I've got a husband back in Los Angeles! I only want you guys for mindless, incredible sex! Don't you get it??? I --

Director:

[to Diana] Uh, Jane, I thought you guys were on strike, so why are you vaporizing people?

Diana:

Shut up, I'm in character! But, yeah, I'm confused about that vaporization thing too. . . These weapons aren't props, are they?

Prop-guy:

He he heh. . . oops!

[Gene Roddenberry walks on stage]

Gene:

Alright you guys, lets go to a commercial and let the high-paid lawyers figure this out!

[start to fade]

Picard:

Hey, didn't you die?

Gene:

You ever hear of the Genesis Planet?

[commercial]

[back on the bridge]

Picard and Kirk:

Data, what's our status?

Data:

Well, Captains, we seem to have crashed into a major city on 20th century Earth.

Picard:

I see. Why?

Data:

Unknown, sir. I think it had to do with a covert operation by the script-writers union.

Kirk:

Stop stalling! We have to go save the whales -- er, kill Mudd's grandparents!

Data:

I believe we already have, sir. Our current location is directly centred on the domicile of Mr. and Mrs. Elizibetha Mudd. I calculate a 123.4978215% chance of their death.

[At this moment, the doors to the bridge swish open and Diana walks in wearing jeans and a T-shirt, munching a twinky and drinking Evian.]

Diana:

123.49782156% to be exact. [takes a bite and washes it back with bottled water]

Kirk and Spock:

Huh?

Diana:

It's the new math. Metric, you know! God, you people are so middle-aged, I can't believe you still use Imperial.

Data:

Yes, but how many societies can boast that their ships run on exactly 2,017,634,921,000.1 cups of liquid dilithium?

Picard:

Diana, why aren't you in uniform, and why are you even here? You aren't supposed to enter for another 6 "My God"s.

Diana:

[finishing twinky] Steven and I are still on strike . . . JUDAS's!

Picard:

Then get off my bridge!

Kirk:

My bridge!

Diana:

My Bridge!!!

Segal:

[from off-stage] TRAITOR!

Diana:

Hey! Who are you to call me a traitor, you're supposed to be dead!

Segal:

Have you ever heard of the Genesis planet?

All:

YES!!!

Kirk:

Fine. Now let's go out and seduce some women.

Picard:

My God!

Data:

Captains, there seems to be a crowd forming outside.

Picard:

My God!

Chekov:

Kipitins! The Amerikans are arming their nuclear weapons! The wesseauxs! I have found the wesseauxs!

Picard:

My God!

Worf:

Sir, Klingons de-cloaking off the starboard bow!

Picard:

My God!

Scotty:

Kapteen! Ze engeens, they canna stand it!

Picard:

My God!

Dr. Crusher:

Jean-Luc, I have to tell you . . . you're the father of my child!

Picard:

My God!

[Diana enters wearing nothing]

Diana:

Is that better?

All:

MY GOD!!

Kirk:

She's . . . she's . . . she's . . .

Riker:

[horrified] A MAN!

[Q-style flash, and she suddenly has clothes]

Diana:

Scared you, didn't I? [another flash and she turns into Q]

Picard:

What in God's name is going on???

Q:

Hah! It's me, Q! Diana's locked in her dressing room right now! She can't get out! She's insulted me one too many times and now I'm going to ruin her reputation!

Riker:

You mean she's not really a man?!?

[Diana rushes in wearing a robe]

Diana:

Of course not you fool! See? I'll prove it!

[Diana flashes crew]

Picard:

My God . . . I think I've just had a religious experience.

Riker:

[wiping his brow] Thank God.

Diana:

This time you've gone too far, Q! I --

[Segal bursts in and vaporizes Q with a big gun.]

Segal:

How dare you insult my woman!

Riker:

Your woman? I paid 3,500,000,000 dollars for her; she's mine!

Spock:

Can I borrow her? I promise I'll return that lawn mower you lent me in '89.

[Doors to bridge open and Dr. Who walks in.]

Dr. Who:

I have a better idea than all this bickering!

All:

What?!? I thought you were dead!

Dr. Who:

No! I'm Who!

Diana:

What? No Genesis planet joke!?!

Dr. Who:

No, WHO! Not WHAT!

Kirk and Picard:

MY GOD!!!

Diana:

That's it! I've had enough! First they harass me, then they lock me in my dressing room, and now this!

Gene Roddenberry:

NO! I've had enough of you! You walk around here like you own the place, and now you've killed my cameo performer!

Diana:

Q?!? Hah! I'm the real star! I'm the one who adds the charisma and sex appeal!

Picard:

I'll handle this! Diana, this is still my ship! Worf, take her to the brig!

[Work drags Diana away.]

[commercial]

[In the brig, Picard, Kirk, Riker, Data, and Worf look at Diana, who paces back in forth in the cell, dressed in her uniform again.]

Picard:

I've finally got you where I want you!

Diana:

Whell, I've heard that before, but never in this context. I demand representation!

[Perry Mason and Matlock rush in.]

Both:

At your service, madam!

Matlock:

[to Mason] Hey, didn't you die?

Mason:

Ever heard of --

Entire crew, Diana, and Matlock:

YES, WE KNOW, THE GENESIS PLANET!!!

Mason:

No, actually, I was going to say cryogenics, but OK!

Matlock:

Whatever. Let's get this case solved.

[commercial]

Bull:

All rise, Criminal Court part 2 now in session, the honourable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Harry:

Mac! Call the first case!

Mac:

People vs. Diana, Supreme Commander of the Serian fleet!

Harry:

Dan? Call it!

Dan:

The accused is charged with over-reacting, over-acting, killing her co-stars, vaporizing the population of several small universes, and wearing uniforms that don't zip up all the way (although in my opinion I find that quite acceptable).

Harry:

Defence?

Christine:

She was just trying to gain control of the universe.

Harry:

How Enterprising!

Christine:

[with a pained expression and whining] Your Honour. . . .

Harry:

[eyeing Diana] Okay, I sentence you to 5 hours in my office as my love slave.

Dan:

Objection!

Harry:

Okay, okay, 3 hours with me, 2 with Dan.

Christine:

Objection!

Harry:

2 with me, 2 with Dan, and 1 with you?

Diana and Christine:

OBJECTION!

Diana:

My morals are loose, but I draw the line at that! I'll sleep with other species, but they'd better be male!!!

Harry:

Okay, 2, 2, and 1 with Bull.

Diana:

[eyeing Bull] Hmm. . .

Harry:

[bangs gavel] Okay, commercial break while we do this so that we don't corrupt all the little kids.

[commercial break with 976 numbers and the itchy women]

Caption:

Four hours later. . .

[Hallway of Night Court, broom closet opens and Dan staggers out, tucking in his shirt. A moment later Diana walks out zipping up her uniform.]

Diana:

Whell, it's off to find that large bovine guy!

[Harry walks out of his office, puts on his hat, and walks towards the court room door, whistling.]

Diana:

Whell, another day, another man whom I've shown paradise. I love spreading joy to the unfortunate!

[commercial]

[Back on the Enterprise, in the Captain's Ready-Room. Standard crew, plus Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Diana.]

Picard:

If you are sure Mudd's parents are dead, we'll return to our time to solve that little Star Fleet fiasco.

[group agrees]

Picard, Kirk, and Diana:

Dismissed.

[On the bridge]

Picard:

Mr. Crusher, plot a collision course with the sun!

Wesley:

[tapping some buttons] Course charted, sir!

Picard:

Engage!

[Panoramic view of the Enterprise leaving orbit]

[The next day (back in the 24th century), Picard sits in his Ready- Room drinking Earl-Grey tea, arguing with Diana who is sprawled on his sofa. The door chimes.]

Picard:

Come!

[Troi enters]

Troi:

Sir, I just got word from Star Fleet. My mother has just arrived and is beaming on board!

Picard:

My God!

Diana:

Great, all I need now are reams of telepathized idle chit-chat that I can't filter out invading my brain!

Picard:

Get out, now, I've got enough to deal with without you!

Diana:

[rising and straightening her uniform] Fine, I'll go, but only because I choose to. But I'll be back to claim what is rightfully mine!

[Disappears in a Q-like flash]

[Panoramic view of the mother-ship leaving]

Picard:

[to Troi] Now what's this about your Moth--

[door swishes open and Lwaxana walks in]

Troi:

Mother!

Lwaxana:

Ah, Jean-Luc, how nice to see you again!

To be concluded in Episode 4!