Darren Jason Coffin

September 17, 1993 to August 4, 1994

Untitled

The sun rises over the hills,
Bringing its warmth, its light.
So beautiful, it seems within reach,
Yet it eludes my grasp.

All the flowers bloom,
Spreading their petals wide,
Basking in the radiance
Of the sun.

I see you approaching,
Bringing your warmth, your light.
So beautiful, it seems within reach,
Yet you elude my grasp.

I want to be a flower,
Spreading my arms out wide,
Basking in the radiance
Of your love.

The sun sets beyond the hills,
And the cold darkness descends.
The flowers wither and die
Without the sun.

You pass me by, continuing on your way,
And I feel alone without your light.
My heart withers, and I die
Without your love.

- D.J.C. -
Friday September 17, 1993

Maelstrom

The maelstrom of faces whirls by,
Composed of so many people.
All of the people that I know,
Have known,
Will know.

It's all so confusing, these faces.
All of these beautiful faces.
All of the people that I like,
Have liked,
Will like.

I want to be liked by everyone,
Every face in the maelstrom,
And to like them all in return.
Only one thing do I wish for more.

I wish for just one face,
One among so many,
To love, and be loved by.
Is that so much to ask?

- D.J.C. -
Friday September 17, 1993

Sorrow

The fog rolls in.
Unstoppable.
Relentless.

It obscures vision,
And chills me to the bone.
Yet I can dimly see the sun
Through the mist, trying to reach me.
Trying to burn the fog away.

The sorrow flows over me.
Unstoppable.
Relentless.

My vision is blurred,
My bones chilled.
Yet I can dimly see you
Through the haze, trying to reach me.
Trying to burn my sorrow away.

Who are you?
Why can't I see your face,
Hear your voice,
Feel your touch?
I need you.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday September 18, 1993

The Battle

The sunlight gleams upon raised spear,
On shield, on helm.
The horses shift uneasily, pawing the earth.
The men face each other, waiting.

The vultures circle overhead.
They know they will eat well tonight.
The minutes pass,
Each man surveying his opponent.

The tension is broken, the command heard.
The first men march to their deaths.
The clang of metal on metal rings out,
Victorious shouts, anguished screams.

Another command heard,
And the first of the cavalry ride to their deaths.
All is chaos, the wounded and dying
Lying intermingled on the ground.

Ranks are broken, order lost,
And every man fights for his life.
The hours pass,
Each man fighting exhaustion as much as his opponent.

Retreat is not an option.
After all, they fight for their land.
The land of their ancestors,
Worth more to them than their own lives.

I watch them die,
And wonder if I would do the same.
If my land were threatened,
Would I risk my life to keep it?

- D.J.C. -
Saturday September 18, 1993

Turmoil

There isn't a breath of wind,
And the lake is as smooth as glass,
Not a ripple to be seen.
But its serenity is deceptive,
Hiding the strong currents beneath.

I go about my life with a smile,
Trying not to frown or cry,
Keeping my emotions to myself.
But this serenity is deceptive,
Hiding the turmoil beneath.

The loon on the lake calls out.
Its plaintive song splitting the silence,
Expressing its loneliness,
Calling out for a mate.

I cry out in anguish,
My tearful voice breaking my facade,
My loneliness showing through.
I call out for a partner,
But nobody hears me.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday September 18, 1993

My Pit

I dug myself a pit
To hide in from the world.
It felt so good, I kept digging and digging...
Now I want out, but the pit's too deep.

I'm all alone, down in my pit.
Frustration builds, I can't get out.
I dig deeper, hoping it will feel better.
It doesn't.

It's raining now
Into my pit.
I claw at the muddy walls,
Trying to escape this hell.

The water collects in my pit.
I look up, and I see the lightning flash.
I scream out, but the thunder drowns out my cries,
Just as the water threatens to drown me.

Please help me.
I don't want to drown.
The water's up to my neck, rising fast.
Someone give me your hand.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday September 19, 1993

Lost

Our eyes lock for a moment,
And I am ensnared,
Captivated by her beauty.
I feel like I'm being drawn in.

I could gaze into those eyes forever.
Could anything possibly be more beautiful?
I should say something, approach her.
I can't.

What emotion is it that I see in those eyes?
What is she thinking?
Does she know what I'm thinking?
I'm no mindreader.

I quickly avert my eyes,
Suddenly aware that I had been staring.
I must have looked foolish, gaping at her.
Embarrassed, I feel myself blushing.

Eventually I gather the courage to look up.
Our eyes lock again.
Again I am lost in her beauty.
How can she make me feel like this,
With but a glance?

This time it is she
Who lowers her eyes.
Do I detect a hint of a blush
On that divine face?

Impossible.
Or is it?
I don't know.
Nothing is clear anymore.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday October 7, 1993

Juxtaposition

I gaze at the many stars
Which form the grand tapestry
Of the nightime sky.

We are a part of the pattern,
So far from the rest.
Is there life out there?
There must be, somewhere.

I think of the many people in my life,
And it forms a grand tapestry
Inside my head.

I am a part of the pattern,
Yet apart from the rest.
Is there someone for me out there?
There must be, somewhere.

We strive to find that life,
But where do we look?
Among so many stars to choose from,
How do we know which is best?

How can we traverse the distance,
Once we realize where life awaits?
It's too far for us,
We can't make it.

I strive to find that someone,
But where do I look?
Among so many women to choose from,
How do I know who is best?

How can I approach her,
Once I realize who awaits?
It's too hard for me,
I can't do it.

Sometimes we think we've found life.
Sometimes I think I've found her.
But a closer look shows
That it was false hope.

It would be so much easier if
They
She
Would come to
Us
Me.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday October 13, 1993

Fool

The thoughts race through my head,
Tumbling over each other like a waterfall,
Keeping me from sleep.
I'm so tired.

I toss and turn,
Trying to get comfortable.
But the thoughts keep returning
To prevent my rest.

I can't get them out of my head.
They keep coming back.
Thoughts of...her.

Why do I do this to myself?
I hardly know her.
Yet how many times have I done it before?
How many sleepless nights?
I hardly know her...

- D.J.C. -
Thursday October 14, 1993

Fragments

I think.
I think...painful thoughts.
Bitter thoughts.
Envious thoughts.
Self-pity.

I don't want to think these thoughts.
I'm not that kind of person.
I don't think that kind of thoughts.
Yet I do.

At the same time I think joyful thoughts.
They mingle with the painful thoughts.
I don't know where one ends and the other begins.
It's all a jumbled mess.

I try to hold onto the joyful thoughts.
And push the painful thoughts away.
But they inevitably swirl back together.
I try desperately to sort them out,
But they stubbornly refuse to be sorted.

I'm confused.
I'm unsure.
About...what?
Everything.

- D.J.C. -
Friday October 15, 1993

Untitled

The flames weave their hypnotic dance,
Their tendrils intertwined,
Writhing towards the heavens.

They possess such power,
Are capable of such destruction.
And yet they hold a certain fascination.

Mankind has tamed the flames,
Bent them to his will.
Or has he?

The flames continue to destroy,
Despite mankind's supposed mastery.
They kill, they maim.

They burn entire forests to the ground,
They raze city blocks.
Given enough time, they are unstoppable.

And yet, through it all,
They continue to fascinate,
With that hypnotic, oh-so-deadly dance.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday October 24, 1993

Untitled

The flames weave their hypnotic dance,
Their tendrils intertwined,
Writhing towards the heavens.

The mage crouches before the flames,
Murmuring arcane words,
Words of a time long dead.

He is the last.
The last mystic in a time
When technology rules.

He gazes into the flames,
And looks into his future.
But he has no future.

His time is past,
Lost in the pages of mythology.
There is no room for magic
In the age of technology.

- D.J.C. -
Monday October 25, 1993

Campfire

The flames weave their hypnotic dance,
Their tendrils intertwined,
Writhing towards the heavens.

The children are huddled around the fire,
Singing a round of 'Kumbaya'.
Their voices are off-key, but noone cares.

They roast their marshmallows,
And laugh out loud
When someone drops his in the fire.

The glow of the campfire
Lights up their smiling faces
And keeps them warm and safe.

Here they can forget the boogey-man,
Forget the monster under the bed,
Forget all of their fears of the night.

The campfire will ward off any such terrors.
All they can think of now
Are the songs, the stories,
And the friends.

- D.J.C. -
Monday October 25, 1993

The People

The flames weave their hypnotic dance,
Their tendrils intertwined,
Writhing towards the heavens.

Shadowy figures dance around the bonfire,
Their painted bodies twisting and leaping
To the beat of the drums.

They howl in unison,
Raising their weapons skyward,
Beseeching their animal god's blessings.

They face a greater threat
Than any they have faced before.
They face the white man.

The white man,
With his rifles and cannons.
With his sickness.

The white man,
With his lies and false promises.
With his treachery.

The People shall cleanse their land
Of the white scourge which begins to infest it.
They shall cleanse it,
Or die trying.

- D.J.C. -
Monday October 25, 1993

The Inquisition

The flames weave their hypnotic dance,
Their tendrils intertwined,
Writhing towards the heavens.

"Burn the witch!"
A man shouts from within the mob.
The cry is echoed by dozens of throats.

It seems that every member of the throng
Is waving a flaming torch,
And shouting insults in his blind anger.

The woman squirms and shrieks,
Struggling as she is tied to the stake,
But to no avail.

The mob pelts her with stones,
Becoming bestial in their superstitious fury,
Chanting for the death of an innocent.

Silence falls over the crowd,
As the fatal torch is raised.
Wide-eyed, she stares in horror as the torch lowers.

The flames leap and grow,
And her wail is drowned out by the crowd's cheers.
The Inquisition has claimed its next victim.

- D.J.C. -
Monday October 25, 1993

Pot of Gold

Sometimes I daydream.
I dream of things
Which I don't really expect to happen.

Sometimes these dreams
Are elaborate visions,
Fantasies unlikely to ever come true.

Other times, these dreams
Are much simpler affairs.
Not quite so unlikely,
But mere fantasies nonetheless.

They say there's a pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow.
A dream come true,
If you can find it.

What they don't mention
Is that there is no
End of the rainbow to be found.

Except for that slight chance,
That fool's hope.
If you can catch a leprechaun,
That pot of gold can be yours.

For only a fool
Spends his life in search
Of one of the Little People.

They can vanish from sight
If you take your eyes off them
For but an instant.

They jealously guard their gold,
And you must be determined indeed
To wrest it from their grasp.

Call me a fool, then.
For I will continue the search,
Even if it seems, at times,
To be unattainable.

Some day, I will find
That elusive leprechaun.
Some day, that pot of gold will be mine.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday October 31, 1993

Untitled

Oh no.
Not again.
Why me?
Why now?
They're all laughing at me.
Go ahead, laugh.
I don't care.
(They're making it worse)
I hide behind my binder,
Trying to block them out.
It's not working.
(It's getting even worse)
This is happening _far_ too often.
Stop it.
Damn.
(I hate blushing!)

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday November 3, 1993

Void

There is a void inside me.
I've had it all of my life.
I keep asking myself
"Is she the one?
Will she finally fill my void?"
No matter how many times I try to convince myself
That the answer is "yes,"
It always turns out to be "no."

I've been told
That I have to be more outgoing.
Well, I tried.
Dammit, I really tried.
But my frail ego
Can only take so much rejection.
It wasn't much,
But it was enough.

Shyness must be a curse.
It chains me down,
Holds me back.
Distances me.
I strain at the chains,
Trying to wear them down.
They are weaker than before,
Yet still far too strong
To allow any hope of escape.

The few that I have confided in
Appear to have two viewpoints.
Some of them say that
If I am patient, someone will come along.
Eventually.

The others tell me
That I'm lucky.
That it's not worth it.
That it's too painful.
I'm skeptical about the first,
And scoff at the second.

Sometimes I have to fight back my tears.
Real men don't cry.
Real men don't hurt.
Or so they say.
What do they know?

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday November 3, 1993

Withdrawl

Loneliness
Is like a poison.
It burns in my veins
And in my soul.

It is a sharp spike of pain,
Driven deep into my heart.
It has been there so long,
That it is beginning to rust.

It's strange how shyness
Can grow over the years.
Grow into walls.

These ancient walls
Surround me
And keep them out.

The walls are so strong, now,
That I cannot hope to break through them,
No matter how many times
I hurl myself against them.

Yet, from the outside,
The walls are more brittle
Than the thinnest glass.

They could be broken so easily,
From the other side.
If anyone cared.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday November 17, 1993

The Clock

tick tock tick tock
i sit here and watch the clock.
i let out a sigh
as time slides by.

as i grow older,
my heart grows colder.
why must it be
love seems beyond me?

tick tock tick tock
i sit here and watch the clock.
on and on time creeps.
sand through the hourglass seeps.

the present disappears...
but not, alas, my fears.
love, my life is without.
i feel like screaming out.

tick tock tick tock
i sit here and watch the clock.
time continues on.
the past, of course, is gone.

in the mirror, my wrinkled face.
my life, now past; oh, such a waste
my regrets, they are manifold.
right them? nay...i am too old.

tock tick tock tick
this cursèd ticking makes me sick.
my time is come, soon i shall die.
never having known love. no, not i.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday November 18, 1993

Gilded Hopes

The gold ring.
A symbol of marriage.
Of dedication.
Of love.

True love is a rare thing.
Many people don't believe in love.
They say it's a bad thing.
They say it hurts.

I don't know what to think.
I've seen people get torn up,
Really messed up inside.
Yet others have experienced such joy.

Is it worth the risk?
I'd like to think so,
But what do I know?
I haven't been there.

When...if? the time comes,
Will I be able to open up,
To bare my soul
To that one person?

And will she do the same?
Will she let me see into her heart?
I dearly hope so.
And hope is all that I've got.

- D.J.C. -
Monday November 22, 1993

Tears of Blood

I came home last night and cried.
I cried because I had the best time of my life,
And now it's over.

I don't think I could have chosen
A better group of people
If I had tried.

Something really special,
Something really wonderful,
Has just ended,
And I don't want to let go.

I doubt that any cast and crew
Could ever match this one.
Friendliness, personality, ability, spirit, dedication;
All of these are present, in abundance,
In every single member.

I never really thought
That I was any good at acting.
I only did it because I enjoyed it.

After the number of compliments,
Sincere compliments,
I've received from this play, though,
I begin to think that perhaps I was wrong.

I don't know.
But what I do know
Is that I will always remember
The play, the rehearsals, the fun,
And the people.
I'll miss them all.

- D.J.C. -
Friday November 26, 1993

Indecision

When you give your rose to someone,
You're expressing your affection for her.
I want to give away my rose,
But I'm afraid.

Afraid of the responsibility.
Afraid of the commitment.
Most of all,
Afraid of rejection.

You have to be careful
When handling your rose.
It can hurt you,
Make you bleed.

It can hurt the one you give it to,
If she isn't just as careful.
I want to give away my rose,
But I don't know how.

I don't know who to give it to, either.
Is it wrong to be attracted
To several girls at once?
It feels wrong.

I'm confused.
Have I ever not been confused?
My rose has pricked me a couple times,
And I don't want to feel
The kind of pain it can really inflict.
But I want to give away my rose,
Before it wilts.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday November 27, 1993

Stage Fright

As the lights come down,
A hush falls over the audience.
They wait, expectantly.

My heart races,
My head feels light,
My hands clench.

The lights come up,
The play begins.
I close my eyes, trying to relax.
Wishful thinking.

There's my cue.
It's time to go out there.
In front of the lights.
In front of the people.

My heart doubles its pace.
I feel dizzy.
My hands tremble.

I walk out, saying my lines
From my suddenly dry mouth.
I don't even have to think of them,
They just come to me.

The lights bear down on me.
I try to ignore the audience.
To think of it as just another rehearsal.
Wishful thinking.

Exeunt.
I'm safely backstage again.
I collapse in relief.

My heartbeat slowly returns to normal.
My head stops spinning.
My hands become steady.

Relief.
Nothing went wrong.
I remembered all of my lines.
Now I can relax.

There's my next cue.
Time to head back out.
The panic starts all over again.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday November 27, 1993

Just the Way I Am

"Why are you so quiet today?" she asked.
"He's always like that," the other girl replied.
"It's just the way I am," I mumbled.

What is it that makes me a quiet person?
Why are some people shy, and others forward?
Is it really "just the way we are," or is there more to it?

Does it matter how we were raised,
What our parents are like?
Does where you grew up,
Or the people you grew up with,
Have something to do with it?

Or is it completely independent
Of the outside world?
Are you just born
A bold or meek person?
And your surroundings make no difference at all?

I think that it is a mixture of the two.
Neither the environment you live in,
Nor the person you are born,
Is the deciding factor.

Perhaps we are born
With certain attributes,
But our environment can mold us,
Over time,
Into a different person.

"No it's not," she said,
"You usually talk my ear off."
"I do not..." I started to say,
Then I stopped and thought about it.

She was right.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday December 4, 1993

Would She?

It was the first time I ever asked anyone out.
Stumbling over the words, blushing furiously.
We were alone, but I was more nervous
Than if I was performing for a roomful of people.
I was seventeen years old.
I've always been a shy person,
I had a crush on her for months
Before getting up the courage to ask.
I was like a little boy, so naive.
She rejected me.
Oh, it wasn't a harsh rejection,
But it crippled what courage I had.
The next rejection, months later,
By another girl, killed it.
The first was "sort of involved" with someone.
The second had a boyfriend in Ottawa.
I've gotten over the second,
And thought I had the first as well.
But whenever I see her now,
My heart flutters,
And I wonder if she's still "involved."
And if she's not,
Would she...
Ah, I can dream, can't I?

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday December 29, 1993

Tailspin

Every time that I think
I might be starting to fall for a girl,
Another one has to come along
And send my emotions into a tailspin.

After a while,
I almost get my feelings sorted out,
Almost become complacent again.
Only to inevitably plunge headlong
Into...what?
Are these crushes that I keep having?

Perhaps I am merely
Dancing on the fringe
Of the vast crevasse
Called love.

I feel that my blithe dancing
Draws me nearer and nearer
To that treacherous edge.
One of these times I will dance too close,
And I will slip.
Or maybe I will hurl myself willingly
Off into that unknown place
Called love.

I doubt that I would be so bold, though.
It is not my way.
No matter.
However I might find myself
At the bottom of that crevasse,
I have no doubt that
It would be no easy task
To escape again.
If I even wanted to.
That steep climb would likely
Be painful indeed.

The only other way out
Would be for the crevasse to reject me,
To spit me out in a dreadful
Explosion of fire and brimstone
Which would leave even more scars
Than climbing out would have.

It is said that at the bottom of the crevasse
Is a paradise undreamt of.
That is what lures so many.
But how can it truly be paradise,
When I see so many
Crawling out of the crevasse, bleeding,
Or ejected in one of the explosions
Caused by their partner's escape?

- D.J.C. -
Friday January 7, 1994

Shadows

Hope flares up on the horizon.
Brighter than the most blinding light,
Hotter than the fiercest flame.

Yet there is a slight shadowy form
Dancing amongst the flames.
That ever-present flickering of doubt.

I can't seem to get rid of that shadow.
Even when the flame is nearly extinguished,
That shadow remains, even grows.

It sickens me.
I loathe it.
But if I were without it,
How many times would I have been hurt
Much worse than the wounds I received?
A necessary evil.
If you expect failure,
When it comes, you don't hurt quite so much.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday January 13, 1994

Just One More Step

He takes a step towards her.
Indecision
is etched across his face.
He falters.
She smiles,
encouragingly.
(he thinks)
She appears to want to take a step,
but doesn't.
Her sparkling eyes
seem to pull at him.
Confidence surges,
he takes another step.
He pauses,
glancing behind him,
and his past undermines
his newly found confidence.
Hi failures make him halt.
This time
it's different.
(he thinks)
She is almost within reach.
Just one more step...
He reaches out...

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday January 19, 1994

Questions Without Answers

The time-honoured question:
What are dreams?
Our hopes, our aspirations,
Our fears?
Is it our subconscious mind
Trying to communicate?
Can some dreams
Foretell the future,
Prophesy what is to come?
Or is it all just nonsense?
Random images with absolutely
No significance
Whatsoever.
Is there an importance
When someone you know
Appears in one of your dreams?
Perhaps, when you
Are dreaming of someone,
That means they are also
Dreaming of you.
Perhaps different dreams
Are connected in some way.
Most dreams
Are forgotten,
Making it hard
To come to a
Conclusion.
What would happen,
I wonder,
If you didn't
Suddenly jerk awake
That split-second
Before you
Hit the ground?

- D.J.C. -
Sunday January 23, 1994

Lay Your Bets

I've been waiting so long
For this chance.
I want to take the risk,
To roll the dice.
What's holding me back?
Toss the coin.
So long...
Deal the cards.
The risk...
What are the odds?
Two to one against.
How much is in the pot?
Everything.
I've never been very good at gambling.
Lay your bets...

- D.J.C. -
Monday January 24, 1994

The Words

Can't you see what I see?
All you seem to do is deny it. Not
Right out, but in your own way.
Look more closely:
You may find yourself surprised.
I do the same thing...
Denial comes easily to me.
Do you see something that I don't?
Maybe.
But I won't believe you,
Unless you say the words.
You know which words.
THE words.
I don't know if I can say them,
But I will try.
I only hope that you
Can return them...
Will return them.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday January 26, 1994

Sea of Emotions

My emotions ebb and flow.
Dreams and doubts collide.
They fight for supremacy
Over my very being.
My fears rise up,
Wresting control,
Only to be washed away
By hope.
Soon that will be gone,
Lost in the swirling tides.
Elation, misery, envy, neutrality...
It seems all of the emotions
Are making their rounds.
And I am caught in between them,
Helplessly tossed around
On the waves that they create.
I'm adrift on this sea of emotions...
And there's no land in sight.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday January 26, 1994

Shades of Grey (original)

Three Nonsense Poems

In an ancient ritual of Thesmophoria,
The blood cascades
Over the stone slab
And into the brook.
The water turns red.
The coral knife mechanically raises and plunges again...

---

The dog approaches
The tree.
It sniffs the green grass nearby.
It contentedly lies down, closing its eyes,
Not seeing the revolutionary
In the blue uniform, who sneaks up and shoots it.

---

Manu hammers away at his drums,
With a pair of carrots.
His blue eyes are glazed,
Staring off into nothing.
His drug-induced daze
Gives him a glimpse of omniscience.

Tarnish

I am a piece of gold.
A gilded locket
Made to be worn
Next to the heart.
But nobody wants to wear me.
I'm tarnished
With neglect.
Will you
Polish me,
And make me shine?
Will you
Open me
And see that
The picture I hold within,
The treasure I protect,
Is a picture of you?

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday Feb. 9, 1994

Tears of Joy

The tears well up in my eyes.
I can't stop them.
I don't want to stop them.
They are tears of joy.

I used to cry only
The painful tears.
This is new to me.
I'm not used to being happy.

I can think only of one thing.
Only of one person.
Only of her.

Any attempt to capture
Another thought
Skitters away, to be replaced
By her face,
Her voice,
Her words,
Her.

Is this what love is like?
Or is love more intense still?
I have nothing to compare
This feeling to.
Nothing I have felt
Even comes close.

My emotions are racing,
And dragging me along with them.

Every piece of advice
I've ever received
Tells me to be careful.
To take it slow.
Not to fall too quickly.

Regardless, I feel I am
Plunging headlong
Into the unknown,
Whether I want to or not...

And it's a great feeling.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday February 12, 1994

Shades of Grey (2nd version)

Shades of grey surround me.
Here is where my thoughts lie.
Here is where they take form.
Mighty Zeus and the Christian God
Appear before me, locked in battle.
I laugh.
Flames shoot from my hands,
Engulfing them both.
In here, I am the God.
They don't exist,
Unless I want them to.
I create and destroy on a whim,
For my amusement.
That's what gods do, isn't it?
I summon my Holy Crusaders,
They appear in a flash of light.
They are my knights, my soldiers.
Their plate mail gleams,
Their banners stream behind them
In the winds I call upon.
My Crusaders charge forth,
Lances levelled,
Hooves thundering,
To convert all
Who don't believe.
Convert or die.
That's what gods do.
My jihad.
They create...
My holy war.
They destroy...
The lances strike.
For their amusement.
Blood soaks the land.
And in here...
They disappear.
I am God...
They have done their duty.
I am God.
They have done it well.
That's what gods do...
They don't exist...
Isn't it?
Unless I want them to.
Shades of grey...

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday February 16, 1994

Come Take a Ride

The past is gone.
Only memories remain.
You have some bad memories, I know.
Let them be.
Let the past be past.
Come with me,
Take my hand,
And we'll replace the bad
With some good.
Come take a ride with me.
No worries allowed.
We peddle happiness here,
Not doubt.
Admission will only cost
A bit of committment.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday February 23, 1994

Wide Open

I feel like I'm leaving myself
Wide open for another
Big kick to the stomach.
But you can't try to hold
Someone close to you without
Letting down your defenses.
Besides, I've been kicked before.
The bruises healed,
In time.
I wonder...
How long does it take
For a broken heart to heal?

- D.J.C. -
Monday February 28, 1994

Tough Luck

Driving off
Into the night.
I'm out of control.
Careening down
The mountain road
Without brakes.
Without steering.
Into onrushing traffic,
Without headlights.
All I have is speed.
I graze a tree.
Faster and faster.
Cars swerve out of my way.
Nothing can stop me.
The cliff wall approaches.
How long will my luck hold out?
Glass
Shattering.
Metal
Twisting.
Blood
Everywhere.
Tough luck.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday March 2, 1994

Time

If time heals all wounds,
There isn't enough to go around.
So much pain in the world,
So much sorrow,
And so little time.

Take your time...
There's a time and a place for everything...
Some things take time...
Time waits for no man.

I feel it slipping away from me,
Even as I try to grasp onto it.
When I was younger,
I couldn't wait to be older.
Now that I'm older,
Time has swept me up in its current.
Too fast, too fast.
I reach for a handhold,
Try to dig in my heels,
And time ignores my efforts,
Dragging me on through the years.
No matter how much
I try to deny it,
Time is having its way with me.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday March 3, 1994

The Tears Flow

I can see you.
All huddled up,
Trying to shut out
The PAIN!
Oh, such pain...
The tears flow.

I can hear you.
Your voice screaming,
Trying to vent
The RAGE!
Burning, fiery anger...
The tears flow.

I can feel you.
The emotions overflowing,
So strong.
Overpowering you.
I'm hurting,
Because you hurt.
I feel the blind rage,
Rage without direction.
Confusion and anger,
Because I want to soothe your pain,
But I don't know how.

Frustration
builds
and
I
collapse.

The tears flow...

- D.J.C. -
Monday March 7, 1994

Defeat

The golden eagle
Soars overhead.
Drifting in the lonely currents of air,
He searches the land below,
Scanning with his keen eyesight.

Then he spots her.
A tigress, beautiful yet deadly,
Standing alone on a hilltop.
The eagle swoops down,
His golden feathers reflecting the sunlight.

The tigress roars out,
And in the blink of an eye
A silver falcon strikes the eagle.
Confused, the eagle tries to fight back.
But the falcon has wounded it,
So the eagle withdraws to heal,
Dripping golden blood onto the earth far below.

The battle has confused the tigress too,
And she flees from the hilltop.
The falcon pursues, unrelenting.
The tigress cannot evade him,
And the eagle cannot defeat him.
Yet.
But the eagle refuses to give up so easily.
He will return.

- D.J.C. -
Friday March 11, 1994

Chivalry is not Dead

You are the one
Who doesn't seem to understand.
Knights do not fear tigers.
Knights only laugh
At the fangs, the claws.
They will fight their way
Past beasts such as these any day,
To gain the treasures beyond.
And what greater treasure
Than that which lies
Beyond these fangs and claws you bear?

Darkness? Bah!
Knights exist to vanquish darkness
And restore the light.
Put aside your fear.
Let me heal your wounds.
Let me restore the light.
Sheathe your claws.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday March 13, 1994

The Cage

I strain with all of my might.
It doesn't budge an inch.
I batter until my hands are bloody.
Not even a scratch.
I hurl myself against the bars
Again.
And again...
And again.
I slide down to the ground, defeated.
The silver gleams at me wickedly,
Taunting me.
Why won't it open?
Desperately, I try to reach between the bars.
But they are too close together,
My arm won't fit.
I call out to you,
But your hands cover your ears,
Your eyes are swollen shut.
I don't know what to do.
So I wait.
Lying there next to those bars of silver.
It is far into the night
When I finally cry myself to sleep,
And dream of a day when I find the key.

- D.J.C. -
Monday March 14, 1994

Confidence

Confidence
Is so foreign to me.
Always,
It is tinged by the doubt.
The uncertainty.
Why wouldn't it be?
I never used to receive compliments.
Nobody ever really seemed to care.
Recently,
That's all seemed to change.
But now,
When I do receive compliments,
I tend not to beleive them.
I mean,
Why would I get them now,
And never in the past?
It doesn't make sense,
And yet I still get them.
Slowly,
I begin to believe them, though.
If enough people
Give me the same comment,
They can't all be
Just being nice, can they?
Dubiously,
I find myself giving in,
Even if I'm too stubborn
To admit it.
The real eye-opener
Must have been when
Someone I look up to,
Someone I truly admire,
Gave me a compliment.
A REAL compliment.
Not an "I like it" one,
But a strong, true one,
With real feeling behind it.
On that day,
I literally had to
Fight back my tears.
Gradually,
My confidence builds up,
Over time.
Regardless,
I doubt that complete confidence,
In anything,
Will ever be within reach.

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday March 15, 1994

The Eagle

I am an eagle,
Flying high above the world.
The world of concerns,
Of fears,
Of desires.

Nothing affects me up here.
No emotions spoil my peaceful flight.
Nothing can hurt me up here.
Everything that can
Is far below,
Beneath my notice.
I ignore them, and fly on.

It's wonderful up here,
But my wings tire.
Eagles can't fly forever.
Sometimes I have to rest,
As much as I loathe the landing.

As my talons touch the cold earth,
All of the emotions I tried to ignore
Flow over me in a flood.

As soon as I can,
I flee the onslaught,
And take to the air.
Ah, the serenity...
But it won't last long.
Soon I'll have to land again.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday March 20, 1994

Wait

Confusion is etched into my face.
What am I doing?
This all seems so wrong.
I don't deserve to be here with you.
I don't understand why you're still here.
What do you want from me?
I tried my best,
But you turned away,
Told me to wait.
So I wait.
But how long?
And for what?
I don't know, exactly.
I hope you don't expect me to make the next move,
Because I don't know what it is.
All I can do,
Is what you told me to.
I wait.
And I hope.
It's your move.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday March 26, 1994

Fading Away

Darkness.
All around me.
Closing in.
I'm blind.
Cold.
So Cold.
My body is numb.
I shrief out my despair,
But it just echoes back to me.
I lash out my anger,
But there is nothing to strike.
I feel like I'm fading away.
And no one really cares
That I existed in the first place.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday March 30, 1994

Living Death

I am a ghost.
Intangible,
I cannot be touched,
Nor can I touch.
Translucent,
I fade into the background,
Unnoticed by all.
Inaudible,
My voice merely whispers
Like the wind, unheard.
Longingly,
I watch the living
As they ignore me.
Dead,
Yet alive.
Caught in between the two.
Killed,
Before I truly lived,
But forced to roam this world.
Yearning
For that life I never had.
Is this to be my fate?
A living death
For all of eternity?
The fate of the undead...

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday March 30, 1994

The End

Stay back.
Just leave me alone!
I don't need your false concern.
I don't need you.
I don't need any of you!
Huddled in this dark corner,
Alone with my music,
My paper and pen,
I need nothing else.
I don't need your sympathy,
Your hypocritical words.
If I accepted your help,
Reached out me hand,
You'd just shove me down again.
And you'd laugh,
Wouldn't you?
Save your lies for some other fool.
Maybe I should just
End this pain.
End these tears.
Tears? I'm crying...
Yes, end the tears.
End it all...
Wouldn't that feel great?
Look at the way the light
Gleams on the shiny blade.
Just one stroke
Is all it would take.
One stroke,
And it all ends.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday April 2, 1994

Mixed Emotions

Mixed emotions.
They blur together, overlapping.
Relief.
The waiting is over.
Sorrow.
That it ended the way it did.
Anger.
At myself,
For letting this happen again.
Confusion.
What to do next?
Hope and Despair,
Interlocking and inseparable,
A constant struggle between the two.
What does the future hold?
What is to be my fate?
There was a time of Hope,
But Despair reigns now.
Hope is but a tiny glimmer,
Overwhelmed by the sea of Despair.
These emotions are at war.
Battling for control over me.
For the moment,
Everything is Chaos.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday April 6, 1994

The Story of My Life

It snowed on the day that she told me.
It's still snowing.
The dark sky matches my mood.
The story of my life.
After all this time,
All the loneliness...
I meet the perfect girl,
Perfect in every way
That I could tell.
In every way that matters to me.
And just as I'm beginning to think
That maybe I have a chance with her,
I find out she's not ready,
That she can't handle another relationship right now.
I feel so alone...
As life spits on me again.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday April 7, 1994

Maybe

I can't help wondering
If I did something wrong.
Maybe it was something I didn't do
That would have made things different.
Maybe if I had said...
Maybe if I had told her...
Told her...
Maybe if I had...
Maybe...
Maybe not.

- D.J.C. -
Friday April 8, 1994

One Day

One day
Without all of the memories,
The loneliness,
The pain.
One day
Where I could enjoy myself,
Without my thoughts getting in the way.
It was heaven.

But now that day is over.
And it all returns to me.
I want to forget.
To forget it all.
I just want to start over,
But I can't.
Reality crashes down on me.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday April 10, 1994

Defenseless

I left myself unguarded,
Defenseless, for a time.
Naturally, I got hurt.
So I quickly replaced my mask,
Rebuilt my wall,
In an effort to hide that pain.
But the mask is cracked,
There are gaps in the wall.
I've never tried to hold this much in.
There's too much strain on the barriers.
It's all building up inside me.
How long before these emotions overflow,
And burst through my defenses?

- D.J.C. -
Thursday April 14, 1994

The Play

I'm in the spotlight.
It blinds me to the reality.
All I can see is this stage around me.
The people I see are the actors.
The setting is the world I'm in.
The Play is my life.
A farce,
Presented for the enjoyment of the Audience.
Their laughter rings hollowly in my ears.
They applaud my mistakes,
Cheer when I despair.
The plays within the Play
Are what keep me alive.
When I am performing for an audience
Instead of for the Audience,
Performing a play
Instead of the Play,
That is when I am really alive.
But my escape is only temporary
From this tedious life I have.
Because I always have to return to this farce,
Every time the curtain falls.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday April 14, 1994

Untitled

There was a brilliant flickering of light.
He saw its beauty at first,
But didn't realize what it was.
Foolishly, he turned away from it.
He just didn't understand.
A long time passed, and he felt incomplete.
He didn't know why,
Until he saw the light again,
Only this time it wasn't just a flicker.
It was a scintillating aura of sunshine.
He was awestruck,
But he knew it was that same flickering light
Which he had turned away from.
Then he noticed that the light was surrounding a figure.
Squinting, he could barely make out the figure:
It was a silver falcon.
Time passed, and the man grew sad.
Then one day, he saw the little flicker again.
Surprised, he couldn't believe his eyes.
The little light floated slowly over to the man, like a cloud.
It seemed hesitant as it landed on his forehead.
Joy raced through the man for the first time,
And the light wavered a bit, dream-like.
As it wavered, it grew.
After a while, there was an almost blinding beam of sunlight
Shining directly into the man's face.
The man felt truly content and happy for the first time,
But wondered why the sunlight had chosen him.
Why him, of all people?
He was just an ordinary, boring townsfolk.
Then he heard a soft, melodic voice in his ears.
"Join me.
Fly away.
Fly away with me."
To his astonishment,
He saw that he was sprouting wings!
Golden feathers grew as he changed his very shape.
Within minutes, he had become a golden eagle,
Shining brightly in the beam of sunlight.
Exhilirated, he spread his wings out wide.
But as he was about to take flight,
Suddenly silver chains sprang up from the ground,
Binding the eagle up tightly.
Surprised, he didn't resist.
Then the sunbeam dwindled,
Smaller even than the flicker it began as.
The golden eagle turned back into an ordinary townsfolk,
A look of anguish on his face.
He quickly tried to hide it,
But wasn't fooling anyone.
He staggered back to his tedious lifestyle,
But the chains still weighed him down.
He looked back at the light longingly,
But somehow knew that he would never again
Feel the warmth of sunshine upon his face.
The light would not return to him.
For him, the sun had set for the final time.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday April 14, 1994

Falling Apart

The mask crumbled.
The walls fell.
Luckily, nobody was there to see me
As I fell
a
p
a
r
t
at the seams.
For the first time,
I couldn't pull up the barriers.
Couldn't hide my emotions.
It was a scary feeling.
All of my life,
I've hidden behind my walls.
To have them torn from me like that
Frightened me more than anything else
That ever happenned to me.
I never realized how much I depend
On being able to hide within myself.
After my helplessness finally ended,
I quickly raised the walls once more.
They're makeshift, shaky things,
But they'll hold.
They HAVE to hold.
I don't know if I can handle that again.

- D.J.C. -
Friday April 15, 1994

Hatred

Don't feel guilty.
It's not your fault.
I don't blame you.
I find myself angry, perhaps even hating.
(I've never hated anyone in my life)
But not at you.
At someone I haven't even met.
All I know is his name.
And I hate him.
(I don't even know him!)
I'm mad,
But not at you.
At myself.
Because I had the chance earlier,
But walked away blindly.
Then I thought I had a second chance,
But HE ruined it.
The one that I hate.
(I can't really hate someone...can I?)
I feel sorrow,
For what I'm missing.
But don't...
PLEASE don't think that I blame you.
I don't.
You know,
A hug would be great.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday April 16, 1994

Doubt

Was it all a lie?
It couldn't have been.
Who do you believe
When you have two sides to the same story?
When you were sure you were right,
But someone introduces something
Which brings in that flickering shadow of doubt?
It's not easy
For one who's so prone to self-doubt.
It doesn't take much
To shake my confidence.
It doesn't matter.
I know I'm right.
...I think.

- D.J.C. -
Monday April 18, 1994

Playing the Game

You have to learn how to crawl
Before you can walk.
You have to learn to walk
Before you can run.
Once you know how to run,
Then you can fly.

I began to crawl,
But I wanted to fly.
How am I supposed to know the rules
If I've never played the game before?
She warned me beforehand.
After I fell to the ground,
She said "I told you so.
Now pick yourself up
And get on with your life."

I begin to get up, but freeze.
Indecision sweeps across my face,
Before it becomes set And I
Slowly struggle to get to my feet...

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday April 19, 1994

Red Ribbon

I stared at it blankly for a moment
When I noticed it.
I don't know what it represents any more.
It used to be a symbol
Of strong emotions.
But now...?
I'm not even going to pretend to understand.
I don't know why it's still there,
But I'm not going to ask questions.
The matter is out of my hands.
I can still cling to my foolish hope,
But nothing more.

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday March 26, 1994

Out of Place

The sweet sound of birds singing,
The waves quietly lapping at the shore.
So peaceful.
The sunlight beaming down through the branches,
The clear sky, as blue as blue can be.
So tranquil.
I feel like I'm out of place,
Like I don't belong here.
My mere presence disrupts this calm serenity.
The chaos of my thoughts
Clashes with this scene of beauty.
I should leave.
Return to my world of stress and pent-up frustration.
This place is not for me.
And yet...if I lie back and close my eyes,
Try to absorb this setting...
It seems to take away a little bit of that stress,
A small chunk of frustration.
Maybe, if I stayed here long enough...
But I can't.
I don't belong here.
I must return.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday May 4, 1994

Bury It!

Deny it,
In order to keep my sanity.
Paint myself a fool in the past,
In order to get on with the present.
I knew this would happen,
But I walked into it anyways,
Hoping that it would not.
Bury it,
Before it swallows me up.
But every time I bury something,
It resurfaces stronger than before,
Slowly, painfully, working its way back out.
It hurts.
Cover it up.
It burns.
Snuff it out.
It festers.
Cleanse it.
I don't know if I can...

- D.J.C. -
Friday May 6, 1994

Marionette

Dancing like a marionette,
Moving as the strings direct,
Jerking about against my will,
Heeding the whims of the puppeteer.
She commands, I obey.
Not that I have much choice.
Dangling from the threads of life,
My cruel mistress controls my fate,
For Fate is her name.
One of her names, anyways.
I am trapped in her web,
With nothing to do but wait for the spider.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday May 18, 1994

Friend

Accept it.
I think I'm finally starting to.
Bury the memories.
And when that fails,
At least try to bury the emotions
That come with them.
That's the hardest part.
Now I'm getting a taste
Of what fighting the past is like.
I'm beginning to see what it was like for you.
IS like for you.

Friends.
It seems like such a nasty word,
Compared to what it could be.
But I can accept it...
I think.

So wonderful,
The way the symbols would meet,
And then merge together.
Learning the ways of my heart,
You opened my mind
To something so new to me.

If we can't continue along that path,
Then at least I can still have
The laughter,
The smiles,
The friend.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday May 21, 1994

Untitled

I don't like seeing the tears
That well up in those sky blue eyes.
You don't deserve this.
You don't deserve this abuse.
And there's nothing I can do to stop it.
All I can do is try to be here,
To help in any way that I can.
I hope that it's enough.
You deserve so much more...

- D.J.C. -
Monday May 23, 1994

The Beast

Struggling against my foe,
I knock the creature to the ground again.
Breathing heavily, I try to prepare
For the next assault.
No matter how hard I hit it,
It always springs back up,
With renewed vigor.
I become exhausted from the constant struggle,
But the beast never seems to tire.
It starts to get up again,
But sonething's different this time.
The beast is grinning as it stands up.
I uncertainly get ready to defend myself.
Suddenly the best is behind me.
Sharp pain fills my world
As it stabs me in the back,
And I slide to the ground.
I consider getting up,
But maybe it's easier to just lie here...

- D.J.C. -
Friday June 3, 1994

Feelings of Betrayal

Feelings of betrayal...
Why didn't you just tell me?
Why did you lead me on,
Lie to me,
Then conceal what happenned next?
You claim to be my friend now.
That's probably what you wanted all along.
If so, why didn't you just TELL me?
Friends don't lie to each other.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday June 4, 1994

The Forest

I feel so out of place.
I don't have a purpose yet.
Where do I fit in?
The future is a dark veil to me...
I don't know where I'm headed,
Or even where I am now.

Wandering through the forest,
The trees tower menacingly over me.
The wind whips around me in a frenzy,
Pushing me first one way,
Then reversing, pushing me back
The way I had come from.
No sense of direction,
No landmarks in sight.

I've got to get away.
Away from the trees,
Away from the wind.
Maybe then I'll be able to think straight.

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday June 14, 1994

Thanks

So much pent up emotion.
Confusion, pain, frustration, loneliness, helplessness...
I tried to explain it to you,
But how could I explain
What I don't quite understand myself?
I tried anyways,
And you listened to me,
Listened to the sprawl of sentences
As I tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings.
I opened myself up
(No easy task),
And you seemed to understand,
Offering sympathy and advice.
It might not seem like you did much,
But I really appreciate it.
Thanks, Terry.

- D.J.C. -
Thursday June 30, 1994

Waves

Waves.
Crashing down.
Down on me.
Waves.
No water, these.
Pain.
Sorrow.
Anger.
Confusion.
Hatred.
Love.
Love?
Love.
Waves.
Of emotions.
Down on me.
Pulled under.
Scream out!
Can't.
Run away!
Can't.
Swim!
Can't.
Breathe...
Can't.

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday July 12, 1994

Bitter Irony

The first kiss...
Not exactly how I expected it to happen.
On stage,
In front of a director.
Doing as the script directs.
Having to re-do it when I get it wrong,
With a girl who is just playing a part.
A girl who would rather be somewhere else,
A girl who's in love with someone else,
A girl, no matter how I try to deny it,
Who I love.
Life has a wonderful sense of irony, does it not?

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday July 13, 1994

No Way Out

A burning sensation...
Pure, exquisite pain.
Flaming acid running through my veins.
Sweet agony, I am engulfed
In an endless spasm
As my world explodes.
No relief, no respite.
Only more pain wherever I turn.
Try to fly away,
But you can't fly with broken wings.
A voice in my mind.
She advises me,
Tells me where to run.
My legs won't respond.
No escape that I can see,
No way out.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday July 13, 1994

Too Bad

Gazing into the mirror,
Staring into my hollowed eyes,
At the scars on my face.
Jagged tears in the flesh,
Only partially healed by time.
My face contorts with rage,
As I pound the mirror,
Hammer it with my bare fists.
Again and again,
My bloody hands reducing it
Into smaller and smaller fragments.
I tear the frame from the wall,
Rip it asunder,
Hurl the remains across the room.
But the memory of that twisted visage remains.
I stalk over to the table,
Ignoring the shards that bite into my feet.
I grasp the handle of the knife.
My withered lips purse,
In a sickening parody of a smile.
Rivulets of blood race down my forearm,
As I raise the blade towards my face.
A chuckle escapes me.
Then another, and another...
Until I am laughing insanely,
Hysterically.
Don't you get the joke?
Too bad.
It really is quite funny.
Oh, silly me.
You haven't heard the punchline yet.
Wait'll you get a load of this...

Out in the street,
A young woman gasps
As a bloodcurdling shriek splits the night.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday July 13, 1994

Memories

How do you forget a memory?
The more I try,
The worse it gets.
I keep trying to forget the times we had,
The way that I felt,
The way I've never felt before or since.
How can I get these thoughts of her out of my head,
When it seems that everything reminds me of her?
I feel so helpless...
How can I get rid of this pain?

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday July 20, 1994

Orcleaver's Death

Death rains down upon us.
Black-feathered shafts fill the sky.
"Orcs!" I growl under me breath.
Grabbing for me axe, I bellow out a warcry,
"Mahal, guide me blade true!"
Arrows clatter off me shield,
As I see dwarves falling beside me,
Arrows protruding from throats or piercing armor.
Snarling, the blood-lust takes me as I charge.
The first orc still fumbles for another arrow
As I end its miserable life.
A shaft thuds into me side,
But I ignore it,
And hack down another hapless orc.
More arrows raining down on me,
Bouncing off armor.
"Ye'll not be taking' me that easily, damn ye!"
I mutter, tossing me shield to the ground.
Screaming another warcry,
I storm into their ranks.
Me handaxe replaced by a massive battle-axe.
Orcish blood sprays everywhere.
Bones crunch beneath me assault,
As three more fall beneath me axe.
Two more arrows thud into me,
And a mace clangs into me helmet.
Staggering, I embed me axe into the mace-wielder's skull,
As a serrated sword blade finally pierces me armor.
A flash of blinding pain,
As I see the blade emerge from me own chest.
I sink down to me knees,
And mutter one last prayer to Mahal.
A prayer for vengeance.
I turn to see the face of the backstabber,
And the last thing I see before collapsing
Is a dwarven crossbow bolt,
As it tears out the filthy orc's throat.
A grim smile is on me face
As I breathe me last breath.

- D.J.C. -
Saturday July 23, 1994

Blind Hope

I was so blind.
Why didn't I see what was happenning?
It was right in front of me.
All I had to do was look.
But I refused,
And clung foolishly to my hope.
Living in a fantasy,
My emotions screening me from the reality.
Until reality gave me a kick in the stomach,
Shattering the fantasy.
And now reality keeps rubbing it in,
Mocking me for daring to hope.
It won't let me forget my mistake.
I want to feel that hope again.
I cannot.
I keep remembering...
And fear another shattering would soon follow.
And so, hopeless I remain.

- D.J.C. -
Tuesday July 26, 1994

The Wounds That Run So Deep

"You would never consider suicide...would you?" my mom asked.
"If you don't start smiling, I'm going to hit you," my friend growled.
"Be happy!"
"You look like you could use a hug."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"What's wrong?"
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Everything.
I'm too young.
I'm too old.
Does it really matter?
"Are you alright?"
No.
Too many things are happenning at once.
Not enough time to do them in.
Not enough time to heal my wounds.
The wounds that run so deep.
Deeper than I thought possible.
I just need more TIME!
My friends and I, scattering in all directions.
I'm not ready for university yet,
But at the same time I'm looking forward to it.
I'm just getting to know my friends,
To really know them...
I still need their support.
I can't leave now...
But I must.
I'm not ready yet!

- D.J.C. -
Friday July 29, 1994

Hands

This spike.
This rusty spike.
Driven into my heart so long ago.
Barbs have grown along its length,
Slowly working their way into my flesh.
Hands grasped the end of the spike.
Soft, loving hands.
Carefully, they began to remove it.
Elation as it was pulled halfway out.
Then the hands grew claws,
Grasped a flaming hammer,
And pounded it back in.
Too stunned to shriek my pain,
I could only watch as they grasped the spike again,
Twisted it savagely,
And left me lying there.
Lying in a pool of my own blood.
Lying there,
In the worst pain I've ever felt.
My lifeblood draining out of me.
Other, friendly hands
Have helped me in bandaging the wound,
Stopping the further bleeding.
But they can't remove this spike.
This rusty, barbed spike.

- D.J.C. -
Sunday July 31, 1994

Fear Me

I am coming.
Coming for you.
Fear me.
Nations have clashed in my name.
Untold anguish have I inflicted.
Countless people have suffered at my hands.
And every one of them welcomed me with open arms.
The fools.
And now it's your turn.
Beware.
I am unstoppable.
No wall, no barrier can keep me at bay for long.
Run if you want.
Hide if you want.
Nothing you do matters.
Nothing you do can stop me.
I am coming for you.
Fear me.
I am love.

- D.J.C. -
Wednesday August 3, 1994