BOB
BOB
Ken Bishop © 1998 1808
Well I run against an old acquaintance yesterday, one of life's losers. I called into the pub and lo and behold there was Bob.
Bob is actually a hell of a good bloke, a great worker, but he's never seemed to sort out what is right and what is wrong.
I've known Bob for 30 odd years, I worked on the same station away back. I was shepherding, Bob, was rouseabout. He was capable, he could do a lot of things, very good company, he'd been nearly everywhere and had spent a fair amount of time at her Majesties Hotels.
Not his fault mind you, oh hell no. These fools that leaves their keys in their cars, don't go through their mail in their mail-boxes, (quite a good side line according to Bob) Shops that give credit, (only fools do that). Get a taxi, from a town a fair way away and when you arrive at your destination get caught short and have to go to the nearest toilet, most have a back way out, somewhere.
If your smart you catch another taxi to another town while the other poor blighter is waiting. Not so easy now according to Bob, these damn Radio telephones , a real invasion on peoples privacy. Shouldn't be allowed.
But we are transgressing, Bob has just come out and is short of a few bob.
"Gidday me old mate. Hell I'm pleased to see you, haven't seen you for a long time."
The last time incidentally was the Star Hotel in Kihikihi, he'd only just come out of Waikeria.
Well I must admit I was pleased to see Bob again too, outside. I'd got to know the working of the most of our NZ jails by visiting Bob. He's such a likeable devil, always cheerful, the eternal optimist.
"How long have you been out," was my question.
"How did you know I'd been in again," was his answer.
"Well where the hell else would you have been"
"God dammit mate, you'd make a man feel like a real lag talking like that, I'm straight most of the time, except when things don't go my way."
I knew I was in for a fairly hefty session, I'd been caught before. " Look I'd like to shout you a jug but only have enough for a jug, will you share one with me"
"Nothing would give me more pleasure." answered Bob, that was the understate ment of the year.
So I got a jug and two glasses, put my wallet down inside my pants leg when he wasn't watching and we got talking.
"Yes he'd been in Waikeria again, not the same as it used to be, these crims today, my God mate you could not trust any of them. Not like you and I could always trust each other. We were trustworthy," Bob went on.
The wallet down in my leg pants was getting heavy with my guilt.
"Oh it was just a little thing this time. He was working for a cockie, worked damned hard too!"
Which I didn't doubt. He was a worker.
"Baby-sat for them at night, three months he worked there straight, not a day off. "Well I had nowhere to go except the pub and you know me"
I didn't as it happened. I could only imagine.
"We had the calving over, fixed all the fences, the first time they'd been fixed since they been there according to Bob and the farmer was having a bit of time off, his wife played a lot of golf.
Bob was busy finishing off the road fence one day and a bloke drove up with a Ute and wanted to know if there were any calves for sale.
Well as a matter of fact there was, he'd be pleased to get rid of them because the calf truck was always late. 'Give me a price' after a look. $60. A bit light mate, how about $65 each for all six. Damn good calves, no scours, all at least five days old. No, no cheques mate, I don't know you from a bar of soap. Hell you could get these calves , bugger off and I'd never see you again, $390 yeah, well I've got $10 change. OK you've got a real good deal. Keep your mouth shut, about this, otherwise you won't get any more. Call back again in a fortnight."
"Well what happened then." I asked.
"Well mate you wouldn't believe it, a strong wind blew up and when the cockie went to the calf pen to get the paper with the weights on it, it wasn't there, which didn't surprise him.
He pushed his glass over to get another beer, and said he had to go and have a leak.
I was damn intrigued, after about ten minutes Bob came back, pushed a $10 note over and shouted 2 jugs, I felt really mean. He'd met an old mate in the back bar, that owed him a favour. He got talking about different ones that owed him this and others that owed him that, I was getting pretty uncomfortable, I was wondering what I owed him. So to change the subject I asked him about the calves.
"Well you know what that damned scallywag did, who brought them calves. He skited about how cheap he'd got them, and his wife played golf with the bosses wife."
Another day I was travelling north, I called at the same Hotel. I'd on sooner walked in the door and a hand barred my way
"Hey you old bugger how the hell are you.
It was Bob I known him a long time, I asked the stupid question.
"Bob, where the hell you been"
" Waikeria" he said.
That I didn't doubt at all, another stupid question. "What for."
"Well it was like this, I'm not getting any younger, and times are not getting any easier and work is harder to come by."
This I had to admit was true.
"Well I was staying with a mate of mine just down the road and they wanted to go away for a fortnight and wanted me to mind the house.
"Oh God no," I thought, "Well, what did you do, sell their house." I inquired.
"He gave me a pained look. "Look here mate, you know I wouldn't welch on a mate, or put one across one."
Which was probably very true, actually.
"Anyhow I'm a bit short and I'm in need of a beer."
I got a couple of jugs we went to a quiet table and the tale unfolded.
"I went to Hamilton one day and I was looking at cars in a car yard. There were some nice sporty types there, and the salesman was keen to make a sale. He'd only been selling cars a short time and you know what crooks these car salesmen are?"
This is true I guess. Bob I must admit is a handsome looking bloke, dressers well, carries himself well, and speaks very well. No one would guess he had spent a fair bit of his life; lagging in Her Majesties hotels.
"So I said to myself, the best thing I can do is save this nice young bloke from be coming a crook."
Bob was very genuine about this he couldn't stand crooks. I could never discover what category he put himself in.
"So we sorted out a car that looked like it might be useful for my purposes, I said to him 'well look here I won't be able to pick this car up till the week-end as I have a lot to do, will you hold it for me. He said, he wasn't sure about that, and so I paid a deposit of $50 until I got my money through, could I pick the car up on Saturday morning try it out, have a mechanic or the AA look it over, and bring it back on Monday morning." "I gave him my mates phone number in Kihikihi and said "Ring him and he'll verify I'm trustworthy, but he doesn't get home from work till nearly 6 p.m..
No trouble at all.
So I go back and put an ad in the local rag. For Sale, to dissolve a partnership etc.. a $4000 car for $1200 for a quick sale.
That night the salesman rang my mate and I told him "You can bet your shirt on him I've known him for years" So the trap was set.
Another couple of Jugs.
"Well you know Mate, Bob said, "greed is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, The most damaging and self destructive of all sins, those seven deadly ones."
Well the paper was hardly off the press and the phone started ringing. Cockies wanting a car for their sons, businessmen wanting a 2nd car for the wife, or daughter, and a poor genuine young fellow wanting a cheap car. The story was all the same to all of them. The car can be viewed on Saturday afternoon and Sunday.
I went over on Saturday Morning, got the car, it went really nice, got home, and the greedies started coming in, had a look and wanted to take it away there and then. "No sir," Bob said, " this car has a fault with the exhaust manifold, sell a vehicle with a fault why I'd never be able to sleep at night."
'But I'll tell you what, give me a decent deposit, and I'll get it fixed and you can pick it up on Tuesday morning. The young bloke, I told "Look I'm sorry mate its gone." You can't let a young bloke get sucked in.
Well you wouldn't believe it, by Sunday night I had 18 deposits from these honest rich blocks, good deposits too, some of them $1000, mostly between 5 and 8 hundred.
On Monday morning, I took the car back, told the young salesmen it wasn't exactly what I had in mind, cashed those cheques, and on Tuesday morning I caught a train to Wellington. "And you know what a couple of those cheques bounced. See!! there are some crooks around."
"But how did you end up in Waikeria, how did they catch up with you." I asked genuinely interested.
"One of those rubber cheques, I tried to pass off in Wellington, a cash cheque too, all of them were. Well I put on a good story to the receptionist at the hotel, but bugger me, the bloody owner of the pub, he was in Te Awamutu on the weekend, and had brought a cheap car.
I never thought to look where the bank was it was drawn on. Fancy a bloke going all the way to Te Awamutu and bouncing cheques. I wonder what other poor innocent mugs he put it across.