Pinching the pie cart. by K.G. BISHOP
                                    1927-2000

When I got into the pub there was another bloke there, a character from way back.  He was joking with everyone and Charley said. "Have you pinched any pie carts lately."  Those in the know all laughed.  Those who didn't wanted to hear this story.
Some years ago Les and a couple of mates were over in Te Awamutu, they had sipped well but not wisely, and about 10.30 were hungry, so went to the pie-cart.  Les had a big heavy car and he used to go like the hammers, everywhere he went.  Unfortunately for all concerned, he resembled another hard case, that lived near Te Awamutu, who had been barred from the pie-cart for being a nuisance.
The proprietor thought he was the trouble maker and refused to serve him.  Les had never been to the piecart in his life and was understandably very annoyed.  The pie cart was getting busy with the pictures crowd coming out, and the late comers from the pubs and clubs.  Les and his mates got into a confab, they were hungry.  So one of the mates tried to get some food to take away, but the prop. refused to serve him as well and threaten to call the cops.  Later I'll bet he wish he did.
They all said, "you do that , we'll sort you out with the cops"
The Prop replied "Go away, do what you like, but go away."  As if proved, also unwise words.
The Car was up the front of the pie-cart and seemed to have a bit of trouble getting out, it even bumped and shook the pie-cart.  They slammed the doors of the car, revved it up, and took off. The pie-cart had seating for several at tables and chairs inside, which was full.
There was a big crash, and a wrench all lights went out, the cart was moving.  The Patrons looked bemused silence and wonder, The cart went faster and jerked some more.  The flops came down with a crash, then it was around a corner and gone.  No-one said a word for awhile, they were too astonished.  This had never happened before ever.  Then several remembered they had paid for their meal or whatever and here was the piecart man taking off, and in one or two cases, not even given them their change.
Inside the cart there was more pandemonium, the Proprietor was very upset, hot fat was splashing everywhere things were falling on the floor, complete chaos.  The cart was swaying and rocking it wasn't meant to be towed at this speed.  He thought it was an earthquake.
The diners were more bewildered still, several had fallen off their seats  the plates of steak and eggs, sausages and eggs etc. were all on the floor,, then the back flap would open a bit then crash closed.
Some thought it was a giant earthquake, most did probably.  Actually to all concerned it was a giant nightmare that they couldn't wake up from. 
In the car, the 3 were in delight, "hell look at it roll round that corner, I wonder if the old Pie Carty would refuse to serve us now."  
It was towing well it was zigzagging badly.  Les was having trouble keeping the whole outfit on the road.  They rolled through KihiKihi still rocking and rolling.  Les was nearly knackered holding it on the road.  "We'll have to stop soon, I can't go on much longer," stop, but where, this was a big outfit and it had to be level to get the towbar undone, not as easy as it sounds, his two offsiders were not at all concerned.  They were watching the cart doing all manner of contortions which they found very hilarious.  How it never swiped The Puniu bridge was an unsolved mystery.  Even the two Miscreates in the back covered their eyes there.  It must have been near Otorohanga that Les brought it all to a stop, they took off and took a side road that eventually led them to Putaruru.
Ronnie took up the story then.  "SO it was you ,you bastard.  I was in the dinette.  I had a new girlfriend with me.  We never knew what the hell was going on, we were too busy trying to stay alive.  I've had never some scary moments in my life but nothing compared to that.  When it finally stopped we all sat for at least five minutes, maybe more, in case it started again for one reason, the other was we were too wobbly to do anything, we were all sitting on the floor among fat, eggs, bread and butter you name it.
We never had a clue what was wrong. I somehow knew I supposed, That we were moving, but pie carts just don't get up and run away.  I've been on boats in a storm but you know you are on a boat and allow for it.  But a pie-cart, well its a still sort of a thing isn't it, it might rock a bit in the wind.  But this wasn't only rocking, it was swerving, bouncing up and down, doing all sorts of things, and those bloody shutters going bang.  I never had to waste for two weeks after that, even had to carry lead to make up my weight on Saturday.  But by God I'd rather be in a sweatbox any day.
"How long before someone found you"
"Well when we got to our feet and got out, the cat had a hell of a lean on cars were going past, no one seemed to be taking any notice, except some Maoris in a car.  "Hey Boss what time do you open."  I wont tell you what the boss said.  But they all laughed like hell.  They have a great sense of humour the Maoris."  They might even have been at the pie cart for all I know.
Anyway we flagged a bloke in the end and asked him to call the cops.  You know 3 cars we tried to flag down, wouldn't stop.
We all got back by daylight. "How about your new girlfriend."  Someone asked.  "Oh she avoided me like the plague after that, you'd think I engineered the whole thing to impress her.
But her panties were covered in egg and tomato sauce, when she stood up.  I don't know how she explained that to her mother.  She was an old dragon to.
Fred said to Les. "Did they ever catch up with you Les."
"No, thank God, but I kept away from Te Awamutu for years and put the car in the hay shed and took the wheels off in case they came looking.
Harry spoke here, "Hell I heard about this I was in Te Awamutu staying at my brothers.  Yes the cops went out and arrested the joker, the piecart boss mistook you for, Les.  Poor bugger he had a bit of a record, and couldn't prove that he didn't do it for a while, until one of his neighbours remembered he'd brought him a bottle of Gin home and he was at the neighbours having a cup of tea and a gin or two probably, about 10.30 to 11.30.  It was lucky he did otherwise because he would have been in trouble."  "What happened to your mates Les."
One I haven't seen for years, he lives down country somewhere.  The other bloke is still around we have a laugh about it now when we met, but we weren't laughing about it for awhile.  Silly bloody thing to do when you think of it.  I never knew what happened at the other end until today.  So you were a passenger Ronnie, like riding in a steeplechase blindfolded." Ronnie answered "I'd sooner be on a real green horse blindfolded  tied on and riding backwards rather than do that again.  I go cold all over, and go off tucker for a couple of days.  If I was still riding it would be an easy way to lose weight, just go and look at a piecart, But there aren't many around now, are there.? "