[Funfic] An Analytical Discussion on the Meaning of Life.
In honor of our Lord and Saviour on this Sunday.
By TFG14VR

On TV: Hey guys, you tired of not gettin' any except from Jax?

Aziaphale: Yeah...

On TV: You tired of girls laughing at your weight and that ugly mark on your
face?

Aziaphale: Yeah...

On TV: Are you tired of that lonely feeling deep down in your chest that you
get when you realize that you're 23 years old, never even touched a girl and
not fulfilling the most basic human need of companionship?

Aziaphale: Yeah...

On TV: Is your name Aziaphale?

Aziaphale: Yeah! It's like this commercial is talking to me!

On TV:Yes! We are talking to you! Do you realize that the average male has
sexual relations at least twice a week with someone other than himself...

Aziaphale: No....

On TV: ...or Jax?

Aziaphale: Woah.

On TV: What can you do about it?

Aziaphale: Kill somebody?

On TV: No, no crazy diets.

Aziaphale: Kill myself?

On TV: No, no fat camps.

Aziaphale: Then what?

On TV: Introducing the phenomenon that's taking America by storm...the Razor
Scooter! Yes, this stainless aluminum scooter makes you look sex-ay as you
glide across town doing whatever--and whomever--you choose! Order now!!

Aziaphale: Yes...order now!

Eight weeks later...

Aziaphale: Wow! I love my new razor scooter! It's so kewl. Kewl like me.

Jax: Woah. Cool cooter.

Aziaphale: That's 'scooter' and yeah. Don't I look cool on it?

Jax: No.

Aziaphale: Shut up.

Jax: Is it safe for you to ride that?

Aziaphale: Yeah, it says on the packaging that it's perfectly safe for me
to--.

Jax: No, silly. You weigh 789 pounds. I think it says it's for people 180 or
less.

Aziaphale: It's perfectly safe. Watch.

Aziaphale hops on his scooter and zooms down the street. He passes by a
group
of girls.

Aziaphale: Hey there, ladies. You like my ride?

Aziaphale tries to do a trick but runs out of breath.

Girls: Loser.

Aziaphale: No! *Cough* Wait! *Wheeze* Look!

Aziaphale zooms down the sidewalk. The scooter gives under his weight and
sparks fly as the bottom of the scooter scrapes against the curb.

Aziaphale: Isn't this...sex-ay? ;)

Girls: No.

Aziaphale: Aw, c'mon babies. What if I told you I was the last man on Earth?
It's true, y'know. ;)

Girls: C'mon girls. Let's go have sex. We're lesbians now.

Aziaphale: Aw. Can I watch?

The girls give Azi the bird.

Aziaphale: At one? Where at? Your place or mine? Girls...girls???

Elsewhere...

Aziaphale: It's crazy, Jax. Those girls totally resisted my sexual magnetism
and my scooter. It's like they were from Bizarro world.

Jax: Hm. Maybe they WERE from Bizarro world.

Aziaphale: Uhm...Jax.

Jax: No, no. Listen. I have a theory. Girls and guys are supposed to get
together, to make babies. We're guys. When was the last time you got
together
with a girl?

Aziaphale: ...never.

Jax: EXACTLY. Me too! Even weirder, they got together with themselves. They
don't have the parts to do that...do they?

Aziaphale: Jax, you may be on to something. What do we do from here?

Jax: Each other?

Aziaphale: ...no. Uhm, never mind. The scooter is the key. The scooter I
say!
The scooter!

Jax: Yeah, the cooter is cool, Azi, but let's talk about you and me. You and
me and getting it on.

Aziaphale: Are you always so stupid?

Jax: Yeah. ;D

Aziaphale: I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna get a sexy body and I'm gonna
get
some mad sexings!

Jax: Aw.

Time passes.

Inspirational music plays.

Theme:

They always said you'd never make it.
Always a square, nothing but a spaz.
They always said you'll never be fit.
Always nothing but a lonely fat ass!

They were wrong!
Here you are!
You are strong!
There you go!

Cause...

You've got The Eye of the Tiger!
You're a Hero!
You've got the Eye of the Tiger!
A former zero!

But you got the Eye of the Tiger!
Whatever in the Hell that means!
You got the Eye of the Tiger!
Eating Busch's Secret Family Recipe, quality baked beans.

Brought to you by Busch's Baked Beans.

Aziaphale runs up and down the stairs for THIRTY YEARS and loses the weight.

The next day...

Aziaphale rides his scooter down the road with his new 180 pound sexy body.

Aziaphale: Hey there, girls.

Girls: Hey there.

Aziaphale: Look at this!

Aziaphale gains speed on his scooter and jumps a garbage can! On the way
down
he flips over and lands on his head, snapping his neck.

Girls: Loser.

Aziaphale: Dying....

The End.