A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far up into Aziaphale's rectum...

Jax: Imagine if you will an ordinary boy with amazing powers...

Aziaphale: What kind of boy?

Jax: One with amazing powers.

Aziaphale: What kind of amazing powers?

Jax: You know, the kind where the kid f*cks up stuff with his mind.

Aziaphale: Oh...Ooooohhhhh. Okay.

Jax: *Ahem* Yes. An ordinary boy with amazing f*cked up mental powers.

Aziaphale: But, what does he f*ck with his powers? Will he f*ck me?

Jax: Yes. That's the f*cking punch-line. You ruined the f*cking
punch-line before I was able to finish the f*cking joke. F*ckwad.

Aziaphale: LOL.

Jax: Shut the f*ck up and stay in character, b*tch.

Aziaphale nods and smokes a cigarette.

Jax and Silent Azi walk down the road looking for chicks.

Jax: C'mon, b*tches. You got two fine f*ckers like us--

Jax measures up Azi.

Jax: You got a fine f*cker like me out here, b*tch. C'mon, b*tches.

A girl approaches Jax.

Jax: Yo, b*tch. Suck on these nuts.

Girl: Excuse me?

Jax: Don't you speak English? Suckos on los nutsos, senorita.

Girl: F*ck you, loser.

The girl looks at Azi.

Girl: Oh, my. Want to go make out? I like the strong, fat, silent
types.

Jax: What the f*ck?

Aziaphale smiles.

Azi and the girl walk into an alley.

They get it on.

Jax: Woah.

Aziaphale: Woah. :D

Jax: Waitasecond! You're fired, Kevn Smith.

Keven Smith: Why?

Jax: You're ignoring previously established canon.

Kevin Smith: Like what?

Jax: Azi can only be ass-raped. The mystical bum said so before Azi
was born.

Kevin Smith: Mystical bum? Did I write that?

Jax: No.

Kevin Smith: Good.

Jax: Shut the f*ck up, Kevin Smith. And get your fat ass out of our
funfic.

Kevin Smith: I'll be back and next time, and I'll bring Ben Affleck.

Kevin smith flies away.

Aziaphale: F*ck you, Azi. You just ruined my best chance to get laid,
EVER.

Jax: I'm Jax.

Aziaphale: >:(

Jax: ;D

Aziaphale: I'm gonna go home and watch TV.

At Azi's home, Azi masturbates to another edition of Wild Discovery.

On TV: The Salamander on Wild Discovery!

Narrator: The salamander is a most interesting creature.

Salamanders are known to be stupid, lonely and prone to many violent
outbursts. They are also known to announce that they are leaving ATT
never to return again and showing back up three seconds later.

Salamander: I'm gone. FOREVER.

Salamander: Back.

Aziaphale: From this moment on, I too shall be a Salamander.

On ATT...

Hooper_X: I love Salamanders.

Chip: Really?

Hooper_X: Yes, Kevin Smith had one in three frames of Clerks. You
could see it after Dante stood up behind the counter at time index
17:39:114.

Chip: Neat.

Hooper_X: Yeah, but the scene was edited out.

Chip: Huh.

Hooper_X: Yeah but--what the Eternal Unholy Jesus F*ck?!?!

Salamander: Hi.

Hooper_X: What the f*ck are you?

Salamander: I'm Salamander.

Hooper_X: Oh, good. For a second I thought you were that rubbed out
cumstain Aziaphale. I'm glad you're not that ass-raped, gonorrhiffic,
equine concubine.

Salamander: No...I'm not...him. Though I am a fan of his and intend to
vote for him in the Trannies.

Hooper_X and Chip: Here we go again!

Journey plays.

Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it

She loves to laugh
She loves to sing
She does everything
She loves to move
She loves to grove
She loves the lovin' things

Ooh, all night, all night
Oh, every night
So hold tight, hold tight
Ooh, baby, hold tight

<Music fades>

Epilogue:

In the next Kevin Smith Movie...

Jay: F*cking b*tches. Open up and let us in.

Silent Bob: ...

Jay: Not by the f*cking hair of his f*cking chiny-chin chin.

Silent Bob looks at Jay.

Jay: Yeah, I don't know what the f*ck a chiny-chin chin is either.

A mystical bum walks out of an alley...

Mystical Bum: Tell your fortune for a dollar?

Jay: For a bag of weed?

Mystical Bum: Deal.

Ben Affleck: Sweet!

Notes from Kevin Smith: This funfic made no sense. I did with this
funfic what I did with Daredevil, Green Arrow and Superman. I
permanently changed the characters, disregarding all previous works by
superior writers, made a lot of money and looked like God to a bunch
of lonely people. Of course, my Superman script was scrapped by Warner
Bros. The f*ckers.