Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship
TFG14VR. Its continuing mission, to seek out strange new jokes, to
entertain the masses and the bored, to show Azi that he is nothing but
a bid dumb cock!

Doo waaa doo doo doo. Do da doo doo doo. Doo waaa doo doo doo doo. Do
wa. Do wa. Do do do do doooooooooooo.

Deep in the ship's astrophysics lab....

Prowl: I've done it...I'VE DONE IT!

TFFreak: What'd you do? You didn't kill the dog again, did you?

Prowl: Rob, I never killed the dog!

TFFreak: Well, I killed the dog. But you got the blame for it. Mmmm.
Tasty dog.

Prowl: I've proved the subspace theory! I'm a science genius!
Bwahahahahahahah!

TFFreak: How'd you do that?

Prowl: I inserted all of the ship's subspace energy into this thong.

TFFreak: Okay...

Prowl: I call it "The Tholian Thong". Cool name, huh? Th-th-th. It has
a nice ring to it.

TFFreak: Who's to stop Jax from stealing it?

Prowl: Oh, he won't steal it--.

*Yoink*

Jax steals the thong and runs away.

Prowl and TFFreak chase after him.

Jax: Tholian thong, do your thing!

Jax rips off his clothes.

Prowl and TFFreak stop dead in their tracks.

Jax puts on the Tholian Thong and disappears.

Prowl: Uh-oh. That's not good.

TFFreak: Yeah. Did you see his ass?

Prowl: No. He's just ripped a hole in sub-space!!!!!!

TFFreak: That was one nasty ass.

Elsewhere...

Aziaphale receives a notice from Starfleet.

Admiral Sanrah appears on the view screen.

Sanrah: I'm a female and I've acheived the highest military ranking an
officer can get. Women aren't just sex-toys. We're real people. Men
should really have more respect for us and realize that we're superior
beings and not just baby factories. I'm proud of being the pinnacle of
female evolution. All of my proud foremothers have worked up until
this day. From Betsy Ross and her sewing skills to Hillary Clinton and
her pretensiousness and political machinations, I've inherited
numerous traits that have helped me on my way. In conclusion, women
are better than you and are not pieces of meat. God bless me and God
bless the female race.

Aziaphale: ???

Sanrah: Oh, and Jax is missing and presumed dead. You've been promoted
to the position of ship's dumbass.

Aziaphale: Yay! :D

The ship tosses and turns. An explosion is heard.

Kraaakooom!

The captain comes on the Intercom.

Captain Caveman: Ship's dumbass to the bridge. NOW!

Aziaphale: That's me!!!!!

Aziaphale jumps into a transport tube.

On the bridge...

Captain Caveman: I shouldn't have brought us into the Neutral Zone!
The Romulans are always waiting for a reason to attack.

Lieutenant Uhura: Captain, I've received a request for our surrender
from the Romulan Commander. Do you want him on the view screen?

Captain Caveman: As I suspected. No, not yet. I'm waiting for the
dumbass first.

The Turbolift door opens.

Aziaphale: I can't get out. I'm too fat.

Captain Caveman: How did you get in?

Aziaphale: I took off all my clothes, threw them into the turbolift,
rubbed butter all over my body and squeezed my way in.

Captain Caveman: God almighty.

Aziaphale: Don't worry, I'll be out in a second. My persistent
sweating will pay off. I'll be able to sweat my way through in a
second.

Captain Caveman: We can't wait for that...but I'll wait anyway.

They wait. Aziaphale slips through the door.

Captain Caveman: Everyone, clear the bridge.

Everyone leaves except for Uhura and The Captain.

Captain Caveman: The Romulan Commander is waiting for our surrender.
Uhura, put him on screen.

Romulan Commander: So you're the mighty Captain Caveman?

Captain Caveman: No, I'm Captain Reginald Stuart from the Delta
Quadrant. I'm transporting retarded children on a mission of mercy.

Romulan Commander: You're bluffing. That's the ship TFG14VR, its
Captain is Captain Caveman. The greatest starfleet Captain ever.

Captain Caveman: Bluffing? Am I? Captain Caveman is an admiral now.
Admiral Captain Caveman. And I AM transporting retarded children. This
is my first mission as Captain of this ship.

He presents Aziaphale.

Captain Caveman: This is Aziaphale. He's one of the children. Look at
how pitiful he is. Go ahead, Azi. Talk to the nice Romulan.

Aziaphale: Wee-woo. Heheheheh. I ate my own poo. Heheh.

Romulan Commander: Agh. Okay. That's more than enough proof. I should
destroy your ship out of pity.

Captain Caveman: And have the Romulan High Council think you went into
battle with retarded children? Besides, this IS the ship TFG14VR. The
flagship of the Federation, retarded children or no. The only thing
worse than losing to the TFG14VR is losing to a bunch of retarded
kids. You wouldn't like that, would you? :)

Romulan Commander: Very well. I will let you go...this time.

Captain Caveman: Thank you.

Romulan Commander: One more thing. You may not BE Captain Caveman. But
you have his style. ;) Romulan commander out.

Aziaphale: My poo had corn in it.

Captain Caveman: Well, Captain Caveman MAY get to be an admiral after
that one.

Sanrah pops up on screen.

Sanrah: I'm already an admiral and I'm a female.

Sanrah disappears.

Aziaphale screams!!!!!

Captain Caveman: I know, she's such a dumb bitc--

Aziaphale: NO! That's not poopy in my pants! Aaaaaargh!!!! Azi passes
out.

Mister Spork: Sir, he does have poopy in his pants.

Captain Caveman: Thought so.

Mister Spork: But something seems to have entered his anal cavity.

Captain Caveman: Dear GOD. Who would want to do a thing like that?

Mister Spork: Unknown. It just happened spontaneously, however, as I
was earlier studying the unimaginable girth of his ass. This hole in
his pants just appeared moments ago

Captain Caveman: Kind of a small hole, isn't it. His finger?

Mister Spork: Probably.

Later, in the sick bay...

Aziaphale convalesces.

Dr. Scholls: Captain. He's too fat for a bed.

Captain Caveman: Put him on the floor, then.

Dr. Scholls: He's too fat for the floor.

Captain Caveman: Then what do you suggest?

Dr. Sholls: I--

Aziaphale: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Captain Caveman: NOT AGAIN!

Dr. Scholls: What is it Azi? Did you have another episode?

Aziaphale: WORSE! I SAW MYSELF NAKED IN THE MIRROR! >:(

Captain Caveman: Oh yes. You're naked. You're so fat that it's kind of
hard to comprehend it all. BLEEEAAARRRGGHHH.

Cap'n Caveman vomits.

Dr. Scholls: I've got a stomach of stone from all my years as a doctor
but... BLEEEAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!

He vomits too.

A child runs into the sick bay.

Kid: Captain I've got something to tell you--hey, is that a bean bag?
It's so BIG!

The kid jumps on Azi.

Kid: No, it's a water bed!

The kid jumps up and down.

Kid: Water bed! Water bed! Water bed! Whhheeeeeee!!!!

Aziaphale cries.

Red Alert. Red Alert. Red Alert!

Captain Caveman: What is it??

Mr. Spork (Over the Intercom): It seems that another anal cavity has
been violated, Captain. This time it was an old man in the mess hall.

Captain Caveman: Any leads?

Mr. Spork: Nothing sir. Have you searched Aziaphale's anal cavity for
clues?

Captain Caveman: Heheheheheh, no. Why would I do that?

Mr. Spork enters sick bay.

Mr. Spork: It's only logical.

Captain Caveman: Says you.

Mr. Spork: Captain, need I remind you of the Prime Directive?

Captain Caveman: Yes...I believe you do.

Mr. Spork: To enter any and all anal cavities for the betterment of
the human race.

Captain Caveman: You're lying.

Mr. Spork: I'm a Vulcan. Vulcans do not lie.

Captain Caveman: Very well. For the good of the free world I will
enter Aziaphales anus.

Dr. Scholls: Dammit Caveman, don't do it. This is like no ass I've
seen before.

Mr. Spork: Doctor, the Captain has his duties.

Dr. Scholls: You green blooded, emotionless monster--do you see that
ass?

Mr. Spork: No. My second pair of Vulcan eyelids are protecting me from
it.

Dr. Scholls: Then look at it, man. Look!

Mr. Spork looks.

Mr. Spork: Holy f*cking God.

Mr. Spork passes out.

Captain Caveman: Jesus.

Dr. Scholls checks Mr. Spork.

Dr. Scholls: His eys. Those damned secondary eyelids are still closed.
The ass didn't do this.

Captain Caveman: Could they have closed when he passed out?

Dr. Scholls: No. Not involuntary. It's that damn Vulcan physiology of
his. I doubt his heart would beat if he didn't want it to. Honestly, I
don't know what did this.

Captain Caveman: The smell?

Dr. Scholls: Possibly. He's got the nose of a bloodho--what the Hell?

Captain Caveman: What is it?

Dr. Scholls: His ass, look.

Dr. Scholls turns over Mr. Spork. There is a hole in Mr. Spork's
pants.

Captain Caveman: Huh. This is odd, very odd indeed.

Dr. Scholls: Yes. How could this hole spontaneously appear like that?

Captain Caveman: Yes, and more importantly--how did you spot the hole
without looking at his ass?

Dr. Scholls smiles.

Dr. Scholls: Well, heh. It gets lonely for an old saw-bones out here.

Captain Caveman tucks in his shirt.

Captain Caveman: Very well. Check his ass, I'll be on the bridge.

Dr. Scholls: With pleasure, sir!

Later...

Captains Log. We've just arrived at Septus 7. The chronometric
activity in the upper atmosphere makes transport via teleporter very
dangerous. So we're sending the ship's dumbass to see if it works.

In the transporter Room.

Transporter Chief: Energize.

Aziaphale disappears from the transporter pad.

Captain Caveman: TFG14VR to Septus 7. Did Aziaphale arrive safely?

Over the audio channel: *Bzzt* *Crrrzzzkkkk* Captain. *Crrrzzkkk*
Whatever we got down here didn't *brrrzkkktt* Didn't last long. It was
all deformed and, God, I'll never use a transporter again. The sound
it made.... The smell...

Captain Caveman: Oh well.

Over the audio channel: Hey, I'm okay. You're okay. Let's have sex.

Captain Caveman: Aziaphale? You're alive?

Aziaphale: Of course.

Captain Caveman: Oh well. Captain Caveman out.

Captain Caveman exits the transporter room and walks towards a
turbolift.

An ethereal spectre appears.

Captain Caveman: Jax!

The spectre disappears.

Captain Caveman passes out.

He awakes in sick bay.

Captain Caveman: Jax! No!

Dr. Scholls: Captain, welcome back to the land of the living.

Captain Caveman: Jax, I saw him!

Dr. Scholls: I know, I know. He's alive and well.

Captain Caveman: ?!

Dr. Scholls: You've been out for a week. While you were out, Jax
exited subspace through a rift in the space-time continuim created by
a defect in our ship's warp core. Then an alien race called the Kaar
took control of our ship and put us all into stasis-lock. Everyone's
memory of the events was wiped except for Mr. Joona. Using an inverse
tachyon spread he was able to remove the Kaar from our vessel. We were
then transported to the edge of the galaxy when a recursive dechyon
loop took us through the ninth dimension. There we were stuck in a
temporal eddy for seventy-six years. The Klingons discovered our
dilemma, broke treaty and destroyed our vessel. After signing two new
treaties with the Klingons, the TFG14VR-E was commissioned and we were
all promoted two ranks, except for you, and it turns out Mr. Joona is
capable of emotions afterall.

Captain Caveman: O-

Dr. Scholls: Oh, and the Klingons killed your son.

Captain Caveman: -kay.

Dr. Scholls: And I'm gay.

Captain Caveman: Kiss me.

The End.

Epilogue:

Aziaphale: So, Prowl, can you make me a Tholain Thong too? So that I
can go 'round humping people in the rear?

Prowl: No, but I can make you a Tholian girdle.

Aziaphale: Make it so.

Prowl makes the girdle.

Aziaphale: Yay!

Prowl: Here, put it on.

Aziaphale puts on the girdle.

Prowl: Turn it on.

Aziaphale turns it on and is ripped in half. He falls to the floor,
dead.

Prowl: Here we go again!

Jax: Looks like I'm ship's dumbass again. ;D

Prowl: This is a pretty crummy ending.

Jax: Well, yeah.

Prowl: Want to go get ice cream.

Jax: Make it so, Mr. Prowl. Make it so.