Jax: Meeeerrrryyy Chriiiistmmmmaaasssss!!! Ho ho ho. Let's start the
first annual Aziaphale Christmas Tribute!!!
[Applause.]
Jax, reading from a teleprompter: Let's start things with a
ret-ro-spec-tive.
[A gentle piano solo plays.]
Jax: Oh, and it's narrated by Billy!!!
[A rickety home video plays.]
Aziaphale joined ATT in late 1999 with eyes as wide as the Grand
Canyon. Being that his arse has the circumfrance of the moon, his
conspicuously wide eyes
were generally ignored. 1999 was a fairly uneventful year for
Aziaphale, as he spent most of the year in deep thought...
The Seventh of March, 1999. An Edisonian verve overtakes Aziaphale,
bathing the young man in clarity and genius. From that divine moment
of inspiration
onward, he sits at his desk, busily plodding away in his notebook. He
doesn't take shower breaks, or make excursions into the outside world.
He only takes
time to eat one meal a day and to get three hours of sleep a night.
Day in and day out. He goes through this routine until he has tested
all of his
hypothoses and carefully recorded all of his results. He does not
falter. He doesn't give into madness...not quite yet. Finally, after
nine months of arduous
labor, he is ready to publish his findings...
[BW] Why I think BW Transformers could have sex
Alt.Toys.Transformers
01 Jan 2000 by Aziraphale
Yes, this is truly a triumphant day for science. Aziaphale celebrates
by taking on a new challenge. This time, the task is a bit more
challenging...
List of all ATT'ers
Alt.Toys.Transformers
01 Jan 2000 by Aziraphale
2000, unlike 1999, is shaping up to be quite the year for the young
go-getter.
As time goes on, Aziaphale's English improves exponentially...
CHUCK DIS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIS'S KOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (MetroStynks)
alt.toys.transformers
14 Mar 2000 by Aziraphale
A few scant months later, another historic moment! The first Funfic is
posted!
[FUNFIC] Goldbug: Throttlemaster!
alt.toys.transformers
05 May 2000 by Aziraphale and his cute Armordillo
Aziaphale kept dishing out his usual brand of Grade-A Intellectual
Debate. The most prominent of which occured on September 22nd, 2000.
The famous, Unpoetic
Justice offensive...in its entirety.
Unpoetic Justice
alt.toys.transformers
22 September 2000 Aziraphale
Shockwave enters the room.
In front of him rumble and Frenzy are holding someone against the
ground.
It's Skyflight.
Shockwave transforms in gun mode and blasts Skyflight's head off.
Skyflight is dead.
Shockwave: "That traitor has paid for his crimes. Just like Megatron
did."
Notice the gentle subtleties in the language used? The words flow from
Aziaphale's creative bosom and seemingly float as a supple petal in
the wind. Truly remarkable.
A week later, Aziaphale left us...for the first time. Truly a sad day
for humanity.
Here is the post in its entirety.
Bye.
alt.toys.transformers
29 Sep 2000 by Aziraphale
Several people here can drop dead right now.
I've got enough. SHIT. E-N-O-U-G-H-.
I'm leaving. Bye.
And to the assholes: MAY YOU ROT IN HELL FOREVER, or something like
that...
Maybe I'll come back, but not usingf this name
Maybe not.
If your happie taht I'm gone, be PROUD. Really. Be also proud when you
get
crushed by your brothers car.
Bye.
And bye again.
No reviews, no fanfics, no ATT-RPGs, no faanfics, no junk, no flames,
nothing.
Not anymore.
I'm off to do something else. Why?
Because I'm sick of some people here. Because I'm really, really
pissed
off with about 5-10 people.
And, again, no I wasn't Deathy. nor eggland. nor all those other
fuckos like ...
Bye.
And now to irritate some of those fuckos: I am satan, I caused all the
world wars. I was Saddam Hoesein, etc.
Happy now?
Bye.
ythn
gfhtrgfdt
df
r
esfd
tgfd
rte
fdx
t
dx
d
Aziraphale, who thinks nothing right now.
You can reach me at thamann@bio.vu.nl
;(
But what poise! If an exit had to be made, this was indeed a fine one.
Damn Skyflight for making Aziaphale kill him in a fanfic! Damn him to
Hell, or
something like that... Also, damn those who occused Aziaphale of being
oblivious to his own propensity for flaming. Damn them to Hell too !
Luckily for ATT, Aziaphale returned a week later in a post called "I
stay!" God bless you, Aziaphale.
Just over a week later, Azi was back posting relevant, interesting
material again...
I'm bored...
alt.toys.transformers
10 Oct 2000 by Aziraphale
And this trend continued for months...
Re: School age TEENS! 88197
alt.toys.transformers
20 Nov 2000 by ZoidGator
BLOODY FUCKING HOME PROVIDER!!!!!!
alt.toys.transformers
04 December 2000 Aziraphale
This newsgroup is boring.... <falls asleep>
alt.toys.transformers
04 December 2000 Aziraphale
[META] So, how many female Transfans are on ATT now?
alt.toys.transformers
12 Dec 2000 by Aziraphale
X-Entertainment was mentioned in a leading Dutch newspaper!
alt.toys.transformers
17 Oct 2000 by Aziraphale
[OT] [ATTACK] HooperX is a big fat LIAR. [Fight for the thruth] [DO
NOT READ]
alt.toys.transformers, alt.flame
25 Dec 2000 by Aziraphale
2001 shaped up to be a banner year for the hungry Dutchman.
How could we forget this little gem from this Summer. Why would anyone
killfile you Aziaphale?
]OT{ How many people have me killfiled?
alt.toys.transformers
23 Aug 2001 by Aziraphale
Okay. Aziaphale didn't say much during 2001. What he did say was
pretty much stuff he had said a thousand times before. But after the
September 11th tragedy,
Aziaphale really hit his stride... On Alt.Fan.Pratchett Aziaphale
strategizes future airliner hijackings...
[I] USA
alt.fan.pratchett
20 September 2001 Salamander
[1] Carbon Fiber, for example, is not detectable with a metal
detector, yet you can use it to make weapons.
[3] What about a very strong man who just beats the flight personnel
to death, what about using luggage as 'weapons'?
This is just one fine example of Azi's wit and wisdom. Way to go,
Tom!!!
(Regrettably, this is only a small number of actual posts. Aziaphale
-- slightly -- changes his e-mail address quite often. No one seems to
know why...)
Jax: Wasn't that GREAT!?! Billy will be back for another spectacular
look at Azi. Now for an intermission.
Jen One walks in.
Jax: Hi, Jen!!!!
Jen One: Hi, Jax!!!!
Jax: How about a knock-knock joke?
Jen One: Okay.
Jax: Knock-Knock.
Jen One: Who's there?
Jax: Banana.
Jen One: I'm sorry, I don't know any bananas, You probably have the
wrong house.
Jax facepalms.
[Applause.]
Jax: Well, now back to the Aziaphale Special!
Billy returns for something a bit different. It's been a while, but
here's another bonafide ATT RPG! YES!
[ATTRPG] Re: Something that really angers me........ =(
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS IN THE ATTRPG SETTING ONLY. NEVER WOULD I SAY
MEAN THINGS TO AZI INTENTIONALLY. Thank you.
Aziaphale: Faulty logic: Those stories are 'meant' to show how
inconsiderate (1), insane
(2), and xenophobic (3) I am. Sadly (for you), they mainly show that
you've got
an unhealthy obsession with me, and that you can't control your anger
very well.
TFG14VR: Unpoetic Justice. Bloody F*cking Home Provider. Your many
other death threats. Me, I hold my anger very well. In fact, you've
only brought happiness
to my life. I died once. Well, twice. One of those times was because
you were mean to me. Did I hold a grudge? Naw! I bounced back and here
I am CELEBRATING
your presence.
Aziaphale: (2) Pray to explain to me who actually is sane? All people
have their little
manias and quirks. No one can be entirely sane, unless you're not
human.
TFG14VR: Not that I mentioned it, but I don't really have a good
explanation. Someone who seems to keep a normal perspective on things.
Someone who doesn't
explode with anger whenever someone disagrees with them. Pretty much
anyone who is nothing like you. Ha ha.
Aziaphale: Anyway, about point (3): Calling me a 'Euro-centric
buffoon' doesn't exactly
show that you're not xenophobic, does it?
TFG14VR: No, it merely states that you are a Euro-Centric buffoon. You
are a buffoon in general, if it makes any difference.
Aziaphale: Have you noticed how I've not made any remark about my
opinion on the US
government, and/or about my opinion on any other political situation?
That's how
to do it, TFG14VR. And not by stating how your flag is incredibly
important to
you etc. etc.
TFG14VR: Yes. Instead of logical and relevant statements you provide
us with a caricature of an uninformed boob.
In America, people can learn their kids (aged 12 and younger) how to
shoot (on targets that can look like people), and most do. In
America,
many people walk around with guns, and know how to use them. In
America, a good amount of people do use their guns when they feel in
danger, and kill innocent people who just wanted to ask something. In
America you have many dangerous sects whose members kill other people
with guns because it is 'good'. In America there are kids who think
they are 'Superman' and therefore can kill lots of people with guns.
And America is probably the only country in the world where you have
the right to use guns against the governement, -even if it's
forbidden
at the same time.
-Aziaphale
Re: WHERE ARE THE GODD#$M GUNS?
Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers
16 January 2000
An explanation as to why the flag is important seems far more
applicable than a statement which has no basis in reality. Wait,
there's more.
I suggest that you all go read the following newsgroup:
alt.fan.pratchett
You should read all the USA-related threads. They are *quite*
informative,
and, at least, don't contain the nationalistic crap I read in this
thread.
Yes, a group filled with those who agree with you. Seems quite
informative.
When you're done reading, come back, and have a *CIVILISED* talk
about it
in which you don't tell people to shut their mouth just because
they're
not from the US of A and they WOULDN'T know what terrorism is [1].
Aziaphale, has it ever occurred to you that people tell you to shut up
because you are annoying and ill-mannered? Your pompous behaviour
doesn't help things,
either.
Thank you for reading, and I hope that I won't have to plonk some of
the
US posters...
Anyone who feels sorrow over September 11th is automatically a troll.
Indeed.
[1] Europe: ETA, IRA, extremist nuts (both far-right and far-left).
Bomb
explosions. [2]
[2] The US has just been a safe harbour. Untill now. Welcome back to
reality.
--Aziaphale
Re: WHERE ARE THE GODD#$M GUNS?
Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers
08 October 2001
You are so woefully misinformed that I feel pity for anyone who is
even remotely associated with you. Not only have our embassies been
attacked by
terrorists, our cities and our citizens have fallen to terrorism as
well. Oklahoma City, The Uni-Bomber, anthrax, local acts of terrorism,
assasination
attempts on the President's life, et al.Just because it hasn't been in
the forefront of the national conscious doesn't mean it doesn't
happen. Your
self-serving newsgroups won't cover these things because they conflict
with their preconceived notions of what is and what isn't.
End ATTRPG.
That was fun!
Thank you, Aziaphale. Without you we wouldn't have the ATTRPG
FAQ...someone to laugh at when we're feeling bad about ourselves...and
I wouldn't have the
Trannie for Best Fanfic writer. You rock. Marry me, please?
Jax: Save me a piece of wedding cake, will ya? Thanks, guy. You rock
too. ;D
[Applause.]
Jax: Coming up is our FINAL segment. Be back in three.
Public Service Announcement
Announcer: The Christian Children's Mission needs your help. Children
are starving in Africa and in the South-East. Without clean food and
water, THEY WILL
DIE. Thousands die by the day. Only nine cents a day will help save a
child's live. Please make a difference.
Aziaphale: Sssshhhhyeeeeaaaah. "Please shut up, you're not from
Africa. You don't know what hunger is." Damned faulty logic. I've not
eaten in five minutes.
I'm about to die.
Announcer: We have no money for another recording. We're just going to
have to use this one. Go to Hell and die you malignant-twit.
Aziaphale: That's slander! YOu'll hear from my law--
Jax: And we are BACK! To wrap up we have a delightful
comedian...Joona!!!
Joona: Hello. I am a comedian. I tell jokes. Here's my first joke:
On the heater lies a tile.
The teacher asks: "Why does the the tile warmer at the side that lies
at
the far side of the heater?".
The student stammers :"Maybe because of the heat conduction and so?"
Teacher: "No, because I just turned it around."
Joona: Laugh at my joke. Here is another: Did you hear the one about
the statistician? Probably.... LAUGH AT IT.
Jax: LOL. Statistician. Genius, I loves you to pieces.
Joona: Good. Here is another: "According to a recent poll, 51% of all
Americans are in the majority."
Aziaphale: Boo! Hiss! Americans! Stupid Americans!!! Boo!!!
Joona: But they don't know it, am I right people? Americans are
stupid.
Aziaphale: LOLOL. Too funny.
Joona: A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?"The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
Aziaphale: I've heard that one before.
Joona: Okay. How about this one? Heisenberg was driving down the
Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman
asked, "Do you know how
fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know
where I am."
Aziaphale: Ha!
Joona: One last joke... A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to
the police station to file a missing electron report. He was
questioned by the police:
"Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your
electron is really lost?" "I'm positive." replied the atom.
Aziaphale falls over laughing.
Aziaphale: Oh God! That's funny!
Jax: But that's just a variation on the other joke.
Joona: Please. Do not get my started on variations.
Aziaphale: On var--variations! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Jax: Sorry for that last one there, people. Who knew Joona had no
sense of humor?
ATT raises its collective hand.
Jax: Shut up. This funfic is over.
Billy: Guess what I have!
Jax: ???
Billy: Severed penis!
Jax jumps to the severed penis but is beaten to it by Aziraphale who
eats it and runs away laughing "Fools, you thought you could control
the severed penis!
But it ended up controlling you! Now, NOW it is mine! Yum!"
Jax: Man, is that ever classic.