Soul
by Aimee

“Heero!”

I stop. My body tenses, my ears strain to hear his voice. But I don’t turn to see him.

“Wait! Wait for me!”

I shake my head, relax my muscles, force my legs into moving. I walk away, the soft beat of my heart echoing hollowly in my ears. My heart seems to beat in time with each step I take, each beat echoing far within my mind:

I love you. I love you. I love you!

My eyes close. They close only because I wish to not see. Not because there are tears. There are never tears. I cannot cry. My hands clench into fists, but only because I want them too. Not because I am angry or raging inside. No, I cannot feel angry hurt either. My upper teeth protrude slightly, catching my lower lip in a grip firm enough to draw blood. But I do not do it to stop words from spilling out or to withhold a cry of pain. No, I have what is called self-control. But I know it is not self-control. It’s the loss of a soul.

I have not the heart to feel, the heart to think. And without a heart, I have no soul. And thus, I am only there. I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I perform daily functions.

I live.

And yet, I am not alive. There’s no meaning in my life. There’s no spring to my step, no eagerness to my eyes. I’m an empty shell. And yet…

Somehow he caught sight of what was once there. When the others saw what I wanted them to see, saw that I was a heartless bastard, he saw a shadow of what had once been. When others asked themselves in whispered voices what life would I have after the war, he saw potential. And when the others forgot me…he remembered.

Somehow he saw past the empty threats and dark looks. He saw past the unfeeling cover I successfully managed to pull off. He saw the shadows of a boy I once was, one I barely remember…and that’s why, he said; he fell in love with me.

I both pity and envy him. I’m envious that he can feel love and recognize what it is. And then, at the same time, I pity him. I pity him for the love that shines in his eyes, that consumes him, devours every last waking moment of his. He can no longer call his soul his own…because he’s sharing it with his love…

He’s sharing it with me?

“Heero?” his voice is questioning, almost frightened. “Are you okay?”

“Go away,” I say, my voice a harsh monotone with effort not to reveal any emotion. “Just-go.”

“No! Heero-,”

“I said get away!” I cry loudly, whirling around to face him. “What part of that don’t you understand?”

“The going away part! I know you don’t mean it, so why are you pretending you do?” His dark eyes are searching my face, looking for any hint of affection.

How can I say no to him? How can I refuse the only person to care for me since I was very small child? How can I say no to the only person who’s ever sparked any life in me? The truth is, I can’t. But the truth lies…something that doesn’t make sense, but is a certainty anyway. “Wufei, go away! I don’t want you! Not now! Not ever!”

“But you did last night,” his voice is low, a soft angry hiss. “I wasn’t imagining it was I? Was I imaging the way your lips responded to mine? The way your hands sought out my body? Was I?” I stand silent, not meeting his eyes. “Answer me Heero!”

“No,” I breathe out finally. “No, it was not your imagination, Wufei.” He is waiting, waiting and hoping that three words will be added onto the quiet statement. Can I say them? Or will I walk away from him…

“Heero, please,” his voice is so soft, so gentle, so terribly loving. “Tell me what you feel.”

“What do I feel?” Even I am shocked by the measure of angry, bitter resentment in my voice. “What do *I* feel? Wufei, haven’t you noticed? I *don’t* feel!”

“Yes you do!”

“What makes you so sure of that? What makes you think you know me so well?” I demand, my eyes meeting his in an angry gaze.

“Because…if you didn’t care…you wouldn’t have asked last night. You wouldn’t have turned around when you heard me call. You would have kept walking…” His voice falters and he is silent, his eyes still meeting mine in a silent challenge.

“I don’t care,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I don’t!”

“You don’t *want* to, but you do!”

Our eyes break apart and I gaze down on my hands, concentrating on them. They clench once more, and I raise my eyes to meet his again. A mistake. His eyes are fairly glowing with love…I catch my breath sharply and hold it.

For in his eyes, amid the glow of his love, I can see the soul I should have flickering there out of reach. My eyes dart away from his face and then back to his eyes. “Wufei,” I whisper faintly, my knees growing weak. I can think clearer now, clearer than I ever have before. I love him. I have for so long. And will for so much longer…. “Wufei!” My voice is stronger now, although I am still weak-kneed and have the distinct feeling I am trembling beneath his gaze.

“Heero?”

“I-I,” the words won’t come. For the first time in my life, I am afraid. I am afraid to tell him that I love him. “I-,”

His eyes brighten and he whispers fiercely, “Do you really?”

I nod helplessly, feeling exhausted with effort to whisper the words to him. “Really.”

“Oh!” It’s the only word he can say as he steps closer, his lips hovering a hairbreadth above mine. Our eyes meet and my lips form the words, although I can’t speak. And then his lips quickly capture mine and my arms around him and I never want to let go.

::End::