A very short, very poorly written pointless fic that plays on American pop-culture a lot and often goes WAAAAAY off topic. It just proves I have a very dry (a.k.a so bad it will make you cry because of the lack of laughter) sense of humor...yes dry as opposed to wet. I'm still sitting here thinking what convulsed me to write it. It's basically Yohji and Omi arguing about each other and life.

The Best of Both Worlds

Omi's eyes slid to his side as his nose wrinkled and he coughed. His hands, previously busy pouring himself a glass of orange juice could now be found swatting away the light gray smoke dancing it's way into his line of vision and the slivers that squeezed by landing almost gracefully into his morning drink. "Yohji!" Omi yelled, his voice cracking an octave just before he coughed.

Yohji just grumbled a bit, the cigarette moving with his bottom lip. His noises were oblivious to Omi's protests but instead were made to acknowledge that he had heard the youngest Weiss' voice burble something somewhere in his mind. His direct attention focused on trying to make a sound out of his half full glass of water by dragging his finger along the edge.

"No smoking in the kitchen!" Omi whined as he carried his polluted drink over to the sink and poured it out, making a face as it gurgled down the drain. "I don't see what's so great about it that you have to have some kind of burning paper in your mouth every waking hour of the day. Honestly." He huffed.

"Don't say honestly." Yohji slowly snapped his neck around to face the golden haired boy and raised one eyebrow at him. Omi stared. "You sound like a prissy well-bred English school teacher¹ or something." Omi's eyes narrowed.

"I don't see what's so wrong with sounding intelligent." Omi set his empty glass down and crossed his arms, glaring at Yohji. First he wastes perfectly good liquid orange extract and now he tries to dumb him down.

"Are you sure you don't get beat up at school?" Yohji asked, his eyes becoming sarcastically warm and caring.

"No! I don't get beat up." Omi retaliated, his face glowing a fine pink. He uncrossed his arms and held them tightly to his sides, his hands balled into little fists. "Your too stereotypical. Kids don't thirst for acceptance by being ignorant these days."

"Yeah, so that'll explain if the whole generation grows up gay." Yohji spat. Both of their faces dawned somewhat of a monotonous expression for a few moments before Yohji spoke again². "Anyway, just try to cut down on the estrogen levels, okay? It makes me uncomfortable around you."

"Estrogen?" Omi raised an eyebrow and smirked amused at Yohji's using the words 'I feel' in a sentence, or something close enough to that to give Omi and excuse to be snide. "For example?"

Yohji sighed and spun around in his seat, facing a smile-stifling Omi. "Well instead of saying 'Honestly!' all you know, uptight and stuff," Yohji demonstrated this by fixing his posture and squaring his shoulders, he even crossed his legs at the ankles. "talk a little less 16th century. Say 'Sure, whatever' or something." As he continued he let his body relax, spreading his legs and draping one arm over the back of his chair while his spinal cord went into a weird stair-like shape. "And stop tapping your foot when you're impatient!" He warned, pointing at Omi's rhythmic toes, pounding at the ceramic tile swiftly.

Glancing down at his foot momentarily and then stopping it, Omi lifted his head towards Yohji again, his 'You're-pissing-me-off' strings getting a little irked as he stared at the expression on the lanky blondes face. "Well how do you expect to get respect from everyone when you talk like you don't care and cause holes in the ozone wherever you walk?"

"Oh, I get plenty of respect." Yohji did some kind of vulgar movements with his hips and Omi jumped back a few steps. The younger boy made an extremely disgusted face. "Anyway, girls love mysterious men, and whats more mysterious then when your surrounded by mysterious smoke that keeps mysteriously rising up around you like you're a god, or a mysterious magician."

"I don't need you're theory on smoking, you chimney." Said Omi. "All I need to know is that it's bad for you. It causes lung cancer, and emphesyma, and destroys the mouth cavity by eating away at the gums, and contains unusual substances that shouldn't be allowed near humans, and is marketed by…"

"Okay, whoa there 'truth³' boy!" Yohji raised one hand up in protest before Omi's voice, that was continually growing louder with every proclamation, break any windows. "First of all, I thought intellectual people were supposed to be open-minded. So what happened to you?"

"I'm not narrow minded!" Omi spat. He needed something to busy himself so he picked up his glass and carried it to the sink to wash it again. "Peoples strange addictions to inanimate objects just makes me wonder if we really are the super being in this world." Both Omi and Yohji glanced at the cup Omi was diligently trying to disinfect and Yohji laughed at the irony.

"Okay, hold up there, Darwin[4]." Yohji removed the half burned cigarette from inbetween his teeth and held it up like a pack of Mentos[5] for Omi to gawk at. "These precious little babies were made by humans. So what's so wrong with being addicted to anything that we make ourselves? I mean, those Apes on the Discovery Channel[6] use those sticks to get out termites all the time, so there addicted to them, right?"

"Yohji, please!" Omi spun around from the sink, holding down a jump as the wet glass slipped out of his hands and shattered on the floor. "Where do you think the tobacco plant comes from? Plus that ape metaphor was horrible! Those monkeys you saw on TV didn't make those sticks! That was a tool used to retrieve their addiction which would be the termites which are also not made by them and the tool only resembles nothing more than a lighter that you use to light a cigarette! Dammit, even the fire isn't man made!" Omi blurted out angrily and very fast, pushed on by the volume of the glass crashing.

Yohji stared silently at the fuming boy for a few minutes and looked down at the cigarette between his fingers. A smile played at his lips. "Well no stinkin' nature can take the tobacco, combine it with deadly natural substances and…" Yohji paused for effect as he held up the cigarette to his eye level examining it carefully and brilliantly. "Wrap it in slow burning paper to make your nicotine experience compact, convenient, and the best it can be!"

Outside a family or cardinals flew from their nest, a baby started to cry, and a dog stopped it's efforts to catch a cat that had went up a tree and ran home with it's tail between it's legs because of a loud human yelling sound that echoed through the streets. It was soon followed by a strange victorious laughter.

Finez

1. Honestly..hmm, kinda a blurb from Hermione from the Harry potter books.

2. A joke about Yaoi in the WK fandom

3. Truth is somewhat of an 'annoying' campaign that's always trying to stop smoking and get tobacco companies to…you know, tell the truth.

4. Darwin was a famous biologist person thing who had theories about evolution, i.e. we came from monkeys and Neanderthals, but everyone should know this.

5. Mentos, a chewy refreshing mint with funny over exaggerated commercials that seterotypically show of the item with a close-up of it and a glittery smiling person holding it up in the background.