1) You came every night.
You got close to my body and sucked me all over.
You had so much fun and you made yourself satisfied.
Then you left me in pain.
You! Bitch mosquito!
2) MOM: didn't I tell you that if a guy touches your ASS, say DON'T. And if he
touches your BOOBS say STOP!
GIRL: But mom, he touched both... so i said: DON'T STOP...!!!
3) Sex is maths:
Add two bodies,Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs and multiply!!!
4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like
a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with
the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
6) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?
2% eat.3% smoke cigarettes.4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back
home to their wives.
7) What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
8) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
9) Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage.
1. I am coming I am coming!!!
10) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
1. Once spent it it recharges itself.
2.. It is accepted worldwide.
3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
11) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, Fuck, and then you disappear.
12) What is the closest thing to a woman period?
Your SALARY.. It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come,
you are FUCKED!!!
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank. The teller says, 'Sorry,
madam, the note is fake.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed the prostitute, 'I have been raped.'
Girl enters sex shop and asks the clerk, 'Where is your vibrator section??
Clerk: Over there madam.Girl: What's that big red one? Clerk: Sorry madam,
that's a fire extinguisher.
The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis. and only enough blood
to run one at a time.
What's the definition of gynaecologist? The only fool who looks for
problems. where others try to find pleasure.
Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw
to fix it.
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.
If you had sex 365 times in 12 months and you melted the condoms down to
make a tyre what would you call it?
A fucking good year.
Why is the blow job a win/lose situation? You may have her on her knees, but
she has you by the balls
.It's about time I tell you what people are saying behind your back ? 'nice
ass.'
Man on business trip. Every week he wired his wife,
'Busy, still buying.' At the end of six weeks she wires her husband, 'Come
home before I selling what I think you are buying.'
Clinton, Nixon and Carter on ship which is about to sink.
Carter: Woman, children first.
Nixon: Fuck them.
Clinton: Do we have the time?
Sardar goes to the doctor and says, 'I have rash on
my penis.' 'Does it burn?? asks the doctor. 'I don't know,' says the sardar,
'I never tried to light it.'
Husband: You never tell me how much you enjoy sex.
Wife: Well, you are never at home at that time.
Mental anxiety, mental breakdown, menstrual cramps,menopause. Did you ever
notice how all women problems begin with men.
Why does the penis hate himself? He has a bald head
with no brains, one blind eye, lives among nuts, an asshole is his
neighbour and he is in love with pussy.
Q: What is virginity?
A: It's not dignity. It is lack of opportunity.
Why did God create orgasm? So that man should know when to stop.
Whoever first said that 'A dog is man's best friend'had never seen a pussy
before.
A BMW car asked a Volks Wagon Beetle, 'Why are your eyes popping out of your
body?'
'Let them put a motor in your ass and see what happens to your eyes.'
Most women prefer sex with the lights out: they can't bear to see a man
enjoying himself.
Men like sex with the lights on, so they can get the women's names right.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual
harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man then it's three dollars a
minute.
A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman, with
leaves covering her body. When asked what he was doing, he answered,
'Waiting for autumn.'
Man was lying nude on the beach. A sexy babe starts playing tabla on his
butts.
Man: What are you doing'
Girl: Playing tabla.
Man turns over and says, 'Can you play flute?'
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other
bats smelled the blood and began pestering him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until
finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind
him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of
trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a salivating frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't see that tree!"
This was a conversation between a Pakastini naval ship and Indian authorities
off the coast of Arabian Sea in late 1995.
Indians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Pakastini: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a
collision.
Indians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.
Pakastini: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Indians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Pakastini: This is the Aircraft Carrier for the Pakastini president, the second
largest ship in Pakastin Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three
Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15
degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures
will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Indians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
TITANIC IS GOING TO BE DROWNED. EVERYBODY IN THE SHIP IS SHOUTING, CRYING,
RUNNING OR PRAYING TO GOD, JUST THEN A PESSENGER ASKED THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP.
PASSENGER : How far is land, from here ?
CAPTIAN : Two miles ..
PASSENGER : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got
the experience of swimming even more.
CAPTAIN : .....!@#$% ...??
PASSENGER : Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
CAPTAIN : Downwards ...
Distracted
A woman is walking down the street when a policeman stops her.
"I'm going to bring you in for indecent exposure!?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "Oh my! I left the baby on the bus!"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One
of your friends approaches her, points at you says, "He's fantastic in
bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for
her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition
***********************************************************************
RESIGNATION LETTER
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a
resignation letter...(An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee
in Port Huncliff, NewEngland)
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few
very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior
shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my
co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise
that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide
amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt
to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never
understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it
to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk
around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you
pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for
your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are
the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers
like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I
have a few parting points.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to
give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the
administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those
have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a
glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I
hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to
anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be
open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators,
because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,
Ted Brewer
***********************************************************************
It's A Lie!
A man is late getting home after having a fling with his secretary. When the man
gets home he notices that his clothes are wrinkled and he has lipstick all over
his face. At that precise moment, his wife surprises him.
"Where have you been?" , she asks.
The man breaks down and says, "I can't lie to you. I had an affair with my
secretary in a motel room, and that's where I've been all day."
The woman says, "You can't fool me! You've been out playing golf again!"
***********************************************************************
In a town filled with crime, a young married couple were worried after 3 of
their neighbours had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard dog.
The wife went to the local pet store and asked the assistant, "Do you have any
guard dogs?" The sales assistant replied, "Sorry Mam, we're all sold out. All we
have left is a Scottie Dog...but he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says to the dog: "Karate the chair."
The wee dog then goes up to the chair and wack, he brakes it into tiny pieces.
Then he said to the dog: "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and
crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a
big guard dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical about this
little Dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate, he laughed and said: "Karate my
a$!". And to this very day the husband is still in intensive care...
***********************************************************************
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from
serving. He was trying every excuse in the world trying to get out of it but
none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was
about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honour," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am
prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the Grey suit
with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook! He's
guilty, guilty, guilty." So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is
his lawyer."
***********************************************************************
Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming
down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he
asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy says " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and
I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I
did....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town
cowboy....
So here I am."
***********************************************************************
Accommodations
A salesman arrived in town, but every hotel room was taken. He pleaded for a
room when the hotel clerk told him:
"I do have a double room with one occupant, but the man snores so loudly that
people in adjoining rooms complain about it. However, he might want to split the
cost,."
The tired salesman said, "I'll take it."
The next morning the salesman came and the clerk asked him "How'd you sleep? Any
problem with the other guy snoring?"
"None at all" said the salesman.
The clerk was impressed, "How did you do that?"
"He was already sleeping and snoring away when I came in the room. So I went
over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Sleep tight, cutie.' He sat up
all night watching me!"
***********************************************************************
A drunk walks into a bar full of customers and slurs to the bartender,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for 76.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights
out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and, slurring as
always, says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the
bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
Deaf
A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"
The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from
her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask
again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the
problem is."
The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He
doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He
repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. Finally, she
answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"
***********************************************************************
Little boy: "Mr. Policeman! Help me! I'm lost. I've lost my dad!"
Policeman: "What's he like?"
Little boy: "Beer and women!"
***********************************************************************
1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and
Suffering.
3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust!"
4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street
and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in
every country, son!"
10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE
MINE.
11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."
13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
done for free.
14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
***********************************************************************
RESIGNATION LETTER
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a
resignation letter...(An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee
in Port Huncliff, NewEngland)
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few
very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior
shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my
co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise
that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide
amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt
to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never
understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it
to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk
around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you
pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for
your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are
the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers
like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I
have a few parting points.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to
give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the
administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those
have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a
glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I
hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to
anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be
open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators,
because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,
Ted Brewer