Thank you all for coming to Wei-Ping's memorial service. As someone closest to Wei-Ping, I feel responsible for giving you a brief introduction to Wei-Ping's life. Wei-Ping was born in April 22, 1955 in an ordinary family in China. She did not go through high school education in the chaos of the Cultural Revolution, but was admitted to Tsinghua University in 1978 with math major right after the normal education system resumed. As a top student in her class when she graduated from Tsinghua University in 1982, she joined the Ph.D. program in Courant Institute at NYU. We got married in 1984 and had our daughter Ellen in 1986, the same year that Wei-Ping obtained her Ph.D. in mathematics. Having worked two years at UCSD, UT-Austin and Tulane University, she moved to Chapel Hill with me and Ellen in 1988 when I took my tenure-track position in the Statistics Department at UNC. Wei-Ping worked at UNC Math Dept as a visiting assistant professor for a couple of years, then had our son Kevin in 1991 and became a full-time mother. After teaching herself various skills in software engineering, she found her second career in computer industry and worked in IBM, Smith-Breeden and Nortel during the period of 1997-2001. Unfortunately, she began to develop some mental illness in 2000, which led to her first suicidal attempt in 2001. She survived but was severely injured. The next few years following this incidence saw Wei-Ping's long battle with both her physical and mental problems. From 2001 to 2003, she had 13 surgeries at Duke Hospital and continued to take different medications for her depression and other related problems. In spite of the miraculous healing of her physical wounds and the tentative recovery of her mental illness, her serious depression took another turn from bad to worse. On September 1 2005, Wei-Ping finally took her own life.
How could she do something like that to herself and her family? That is the question everyone asks. It is my view that we saw two different sides of Wei-Ping: one as a loving mother and wife, a friend with great passion and beautiful smiles, another as a patient in despair with tremendous pains. No justice is served to see the dark side won. Nevertheless, it is totally unfair to interpret her action simply as cold-blooded. We have to realize that what she has been through in the last few years of her life is truly beyond the imagination of any healthy human being.
Dear Wei-Ping, you left our kids and me. I wish I could turn the clock backwards. Had you seen that so many people here today want to know you, you would have changed your mind. I know that is my wishful thinking, but I cannot help it. So many scenes like movie were replayed over and over in my mind these days. I can never forget that young, beautiful, and incredibly smart girl I met in my college class, the only woman I have been with for more than 21 years under the special name ``husband and wife''. Whenever I saw the pictures we took, or touched the cooking ware you used, or heard your voice messages in our answering machine, it brought me immediately back to everything we have shared for so long.
Dear Wei-Ping, although you are gone, you cannot really get rid of our kids and me. We are doomed to belong to each other. Let's forget the tragic time we spent together and only keep the good time in our memory. Just take one more look at our treasure, Ellen and Kevin, you will realize what great job you have done in raising them. I know you are proud of them. I know at this moment, you are nodding while you are lying down peacefully in Heaven.
May the peace be with you forever!
Chuanshu Ji (Monday, 9/5/2005)
About two years ago, my brother and I decided to cook dinner for the family one evening. We told our mom that we had it under control and, most importantly, we would clean it up. Of course you know what happened. Mom ended up cleaning the entire kitchen and all the dirty dishes.
All of us in the family including myself would ask her to do simple things for us: ¡ mom, can you cook this; mom, can I borrow the car; mom, can you fill out these forms ¡ She never hesitated to serve her family. She never said, ``I am too busy¡¯¡¯, or found any other excuse.
These are the hardest words I will ever have to say in public. But I know my mom would have wanted me to be brave and do this; she would have wanted me to thank you for coming today, and to tell you that she cared about you all.
Many of you here today knew my mom personally. You may have known her as a co-worker, a friend. I, of course, knew my mom as a mother.
My mom was the type of person, who, seeing there were only three pieces of cake for four people, would announce she never did care for cake. The sacrifices she made for her two children are incomparable to any other person I know. She spent hours on end helping my brother and me with math. It always paid off in the end because of her dedication and patience. When I first started playing violin at age six, she was there every week taking lessons with me.
She always encouraged me to do my best. She was proud of me when I was able to pull that off, but supportive when I didn¡¯t. When you all look at me and tell me that I remind you of my mother, I am honored, because she was such an extraordinary woman. There was only one of my mother. She knew me better than anyone, and she loved me anyway. Please, all of you who can do so: go home today to hug your mothers, for when I go home my mother will not be there waiting for me like she was one week ago.
My mother is always with you. She is the smell of laundry detergent on your freshly cleaned socks and she is the cool hand on your forehead when you are not feeling well. She lives inside your laughter and she is in every teardrop. She is the map you follow with every step you take.
Thank you all so much for the love and friendship you gave her, and for coming here today to say goodbye to her. My mom is not in pain anymore, and I am grateful for that.
Mom, I will miss you and I will always love you. Thank you for my life.
Ellen Ji (Monday, 9/5/2005)
With my mother Wei-Ping, we shared a countless number of memorable experiences, from making dumplings to white water rafting. The full magnitude of death had never hit me before last Thursday --- the thought that it was no longer possible to communicate or interact with my mom. All that are left are the memories: our family trips up north to visit friends and their families; my pleas to buy the huge stuffed dino when going to the museum long ago, and her suggestion to buy books instead. My mom had many great qualities, such as her loving and caring nature, her intellect, her responsibility and organization, and her bravery and courage. I am sure she faced death with her head held high, despite what she had to endure in the last few years of her life. And I leave now, in the hope that my mom can finally rest in peace. Bye, mom. I will always love and remember you.
Kevin Ji (Monday, 9/5/2005)
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2005 01:13:29 -0400 (EDT)
From: Chuanshu Ji
To: a54321@comcast.net, sq_ding@yahoo.com
Cc: Chuanshu Ji
Subject: in memory of Wei-Ping
Jianhua and Songqing,
Since you two know the most effective and reliable way to contact our math-77 classmates, I need your help in forwarding my message to all of them. FYI, attached are the speeches given by Ellen, Kevin and myself at Wei-Ping's memorial service, which took place Monday 9/5/05.
I didn't tell any of our classmates about Wei-Ping's mental problem that began in 2000, her 1st suicidal attempt in 2001 and the resulting physical injuries, because I didn't want her to feel bad if someday she might see some of you. Now it's different. Wei-Ping left us early, unduly early. I feel strongly that I should let our friends and other people hear my version of what happened to Wei-Ping. It is my belief that our classmates and other friends are kind, considerate and fair. Their understanding, sympathy and support will turn this tragedy into something positive.
Here are some thoughts not included in my speech attached:
(1) Depression is a disease, much like cancer. There should be no shame to have depression or talk about it. Unfortunately, depression and other mental illness are really among the least understood diseases. Psychiatrists, no matter how experienced they are, are basically doing ``trial and error'', like we statisticians do inference everyday in our work. The challenge is that such inference is only based on samples of size 1, because each patient is different from others, and the mental status of the same patient is also changing over time. My greatest guilt is that my ignorance of mental illness prevented me from projecting any contributing factors before 2000 that could lead to Wei-Ping's mental problems. The awareness of signs and causes for depression or other mental illness, the capability of early detection, play such a cricial role. It's too late for me to learn this. It's by far the most costly lesson I have ever taken in my life.
(2) Wei-Ping is someone truly special. Her great tragedy reflects a mismatch between her strength/weakness and the reality in our society. She always followed a straight line to say and do and think about everything, but straight lines simply don't exist in reality; what we have to face and deal with are all curved manifolds. She is gifted with a superb capability of simplification, which often enabled her to solve scientific problems that seemed too complicated to others. But simplification in dealing with human relationships, especially with her managers and co-workers, never worked in this complicated world. In the end, she was the one who got hurt and felt frustrated.
(3) The past 5 years, and in particular the past 10 days, have been the most difficult period in my life. Even you may think I sound too philosophical, no words can truly describe what I have been through. I know that I am not alone among former students of Tsinhua Class 77: some other friends lost their loved ones, children or spouses; some died themselves in their young ages.
The recovery process for Ellen, Kevin and myself is moving forward, though not easily. No one asked for this targedy. But we have to face it since it fell over our heads. Ellen and Kevin spoke voluntarily and passionately at the memorial service, and they went back to the normal life in their schools after their mom's death. I am so proud of them. And I am sure Wei-Ping feels the same way now, knowing what she did in raising and educating her children has eventually paid off.
We all know ``Wei-Ping'' means ``peace'' in Chinese. Let's all pray for Wei-Ping, in the hope that she is finally at peace, without any pains.
Chuanshu
P.S. It's OK for anyone to contact me via email or phone at
(919) 419-3177 (home)
(919) 962-3917 (office)