Man...What The FUCK???

Well somethings bother the Porno Freak again so lets join him on another episode of "What The Fuck"!

For the longest time I just coudn't understand what bothered me about concerts.  As I wondered through the thick cloud of smoke (which pissed me off) that resembled a nuclear fall out, I started to look around.  Could it have been the 12 year old girl in the front row flashing her hershey kiss size breasts.  Naw, she was annoying but it wasn't her boobies that bothered me.  Just the fact she was doing it.  I looked over to the morons at the bar who were virtually louder than the music.  Nope...wasn't them...once again...annoying yet tolerable.  Could it be the urine on the floor on the bathroom floor which seemed to be moving towards me when i went to take a leak.  Nope, even though unsanitary conditions make me want to puke.  Then all came clear when some

jack off smashed into me.  Yep it was them...the fucking moshers!  Now before you start saying to me, "What Mark can't you at least be happy at a concert" let me make it clear this shit NEVER made since to me.  I can only imagine when they leave their house..."Hey guys I am so happy to see you...(walk into the concert) DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DIE!...(walk out of the concert) Gee that was fun guys...hey why aren't you talking?  Guys...GUYS...Somebody call and AMBULANCE!!!" I think you get the point...but seeing I could bitch all day about this...I figure I would put up an example of these folks to watch out for.  You know...so you can enjoy a concert without getting smacked in the head or worse area.

Name/Type:  The Human Wind Wheel Agression Level: 8 (out of 10) Location:  Usually clearing out a pit. Annoyance Factor: 10 (out of 10)

These are the guys who feel a need to scar people out of the way to make up for their lack of penis size.

They do this by flailing their arms sporatically as if they were doing the back stroke without the water present.  Usually these folks are 12 years olds on speed with a history of getting beaten up at school.  However, these folks have a fine flexibility which is desired by "Turbo Lovers" who hang around trailer stops looking for love.  Their future career consists of appearing in commercials which contain the line..."YOU ALRIGHT... I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!"

Name/Type:  The Ceiling Waver Agression Level: 5 Location: Usually on the outside of the pit Chance You'll See One: 20%

These folks are truly a rariety at concerts...I've actually only seen once.  They're kinda like those white tigers those two homos in Las Vegas parade around.  You have to be in the right time place at the right time to see one.  Their purpose is to stand in one spot and wave at the ceiling...yep...thats it.  I  think its an acid thing...so don't be surprised if one of these folks asks you to wave at "Underdog" who is on the ceiling.  (Can you say bad trip...I knew you could.) Career options for these folks are very bleak.  Most of them end up trying their luck at being greeters at Wal-Mark but get fired after one day cuz most of them look up while saying the big line, "Hi Welcome...Heres A Carraige."

Name/Type: The Time Bomb Agression Level: 6-10 (depends) Location:  Usually walking around... Chance You'll See One: 85%

sorry camera shy

Watch these mother fuckers closely...don't say I didn't warn you.  These are the folks that walk around stumbling over shit with their hands hiding their face and rubbing their head as if they just found out their car blew up.  To approach these folks is a big mistake cuz pretend you're approaching some gerbil somewhere.  They look like they would like to be talked to and touched but all of a sudden they blow up and start attacking you.  Thats why you have to watch these folks.  You never know when they are going to explode and start turning into any of the other mosher types on this page...so if you see one BEWARE at all costs.  Future career...construction or insame asylum.

Name/Type:  The Kung Fu Masters Agression Level: 9 Location:  Right In The Middle Of The Pit Chance You'll See One: 90%

A distant cousin of the Human Wind Wheel...this species is FUCKING ANNOYING.  These are the folks who feel a need to practice their Tae Kwan Do techniques in the middle of a concert.  That and they just don't seem to grasp why the people they kick get homicidal towards them.  Once again penis size or lack there of may be to blame but everytime we try to get close to ask we get kicked in the stomach by a multiple spin kick. Future career options include bouncer positions, karate teacher, or perhaps figure skating.

Name/Type:  The Hunched Headbanger Agression: 0-1 Location:  In The Front Chance You'll See One: 95% (dropping thankfully)

sorry camera shy

Where the fuck did these morons come from.  Back in the 80s we banged our heads with style...from the neck.  These are those stupid mother fuckers who bounce up and down from the waist as if they just aquired some kind of rare stomach flu from some jungle tiger.  Oddly enough these folks are always in front...suggesting something to the people behind them maybe???  You tell me.  This behavior is common among people 12-17 who want to appear tough but fail miserably. You may see them put on arm behind their back as if to bekon future anal mates. Future career options include gay porn, straight porn, or simply in a hospital bed with life time back injuries.  If you know one...tell them to grow out of it those fucking losers!

Well theres the main species to look out for at concerts.  If you happen to see an odd hyrbrid of either one please let me know cuz we are constantly looking for people to rag on cuz its time people learn how stupid they are when they do this shit.  Feel free to print up this guide and hand them out at concerts.  This Message Brought To You By Coalition For Safe Concerts Thank You From The One And Only Member, Mark "The Porno Freak" PS  I think I'll try hugging a Time Bomb next time I see one to see what happens...you never know...

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