Senator Ted Kennedy: "A vote for this (marriage) amendment is a vote for bigotry pure and simple."
I have always supported peace, patience and procrastination as the means to a safe happy life. It is better to be rich and happy than to be poor and sick - or married. Let our elected officials worry about my problems; that's what we're paying them for. My hyperactive neo-liberal and neo-conservative friends keep complaining though: "What about Bush? What about Kennedy?" Patience and non-involvement is my answer. Don't worry about the Bushes; patience. Sooner or later the President will do something right -- law of averages. And don't worry about the Kennedys either; patience. Sooner or later the Kennedys will all die off in car crashes. They drive like women.
My message of patience has finally paid off. Bush's Marriage Protection Act Amendment to the Constitution is being voted on this week. I support a single political group in the interests of self-preservation, the NASDP, National Association for the Survival of Divorced Persons. Marriage is now the number one killer of males over 18 in this country. We divorced survivors cope the best we can. We were doing just fine until the government made the Amendment to the Constitution repealing the amendment that outlawed liquor.
We go out for an innocent evening of drinking and having fun only to awaken the next day (or week) to find that we are married, and now have a nagging wife kicking us out of bed ordering us to get up and find a job. Or some strange woman telling us we got them pregnant and have to marry them. We tell them we don't even remember having sex with them, but they say it's because we were drunk at the time. We have to agree with them and marry them because they're usually so ugly we'd have to be drunk to have sex with them. Fair is fair.
Slow death or divorce is the only alternative. We who took the latter route need government protection, and now we're finally getting it with Bush's Marriage Protection Act. President Clinton tried to protect us a decade ago with his Marriage Defense Act, but he was really only interested in protecting himself from Hillary after she caught him and Monica -- well, you know the story.
Some claim Bush is just making the law for political reasons. Half of the homosexuals (the half that doesn't want to get married but need a good excuse to tell their partners, like it being against the law) will vote for him. Their vote will be nullified, of course, by the other half -- the ones that do want to get married. Since all democrats are homosexual, Bush feels, he can't lose. Brilliant.
But how does this affect the NASDP? Simple. If homosexuals can't get married, we divorced males should have the same protection. It's a matter of civil rights and equality. President Bush must amend the constitution to protect us divorced males the same as he is protecting homosexuals. Fair is fair.
Be patient my divorced friends. Time is on our side. Our only protection now is the Pope. He protects us from marrying Catholic girls. If a Catholic girl nags you to marry her, just tell her that you would love to, but the Pope won't allow it but you can still have sex. What the Pope doesn't know can't hurt anybody. If a Catholic girl marries a divorced man she burns in hell. And the divorced man does the same, merely before he dies. The Pope protects divorced men because he knows the hazards of marriage. That's why he won't get married. He's smart. That's why he's Pope. He's infallible, one who never makes the
same mistake once, much less, Heaven Forbid, twice! Let's face it;
we're definitely less than infallible. We already made the marriage mistake once. That's more than enough.
So be patient, my neo-liberal friends. Bush is doing great and still has a couple of years to go. With that much time left he may even do something else right, though that seems unlikely. When Hillary becomes president, we divorced males are doomed. She'll persecute us just to get even with her husband. That's how women think. I recommend we all escape to Mexico before they finish that damn wall and it'll be too late. The Pope will offer us sanctuary. I hope this helps. In case of emergency (you're thinking of getting remarried), you may use my Hot-Line to my divorce lawyer to talk you out of it like he has saved me several times. It's a matter of life or death. :-) Stan (or SaTAN, if you prefer)
