Matches in WOWF are simmed with ZeusPro.
WOWF began where WOW show #22, the last broadcast of original material, left off.
WOW Episode #23F
Ohhhhhhhh...WOW!
[Title sequence, etc.]
David McLane and Lee Marshall sit at the announcers' table.
McLane: I'm David McLane, and this is my co-host Lee Marshall. And fans,
have we got a show for you! This week will feature fan favorite Beckie the Farmer's
Daughter against Her Majesty's top agent, Jane Blond! Should be a high-flying
match! And after that, we've got Jade, the Asian Spitfire, against the Heavy
Metal Maniac, Riot! But before all that, we're expecting someone else to join
us any minute now. Can you guess who, Lee?
Marshall: I have no idea.
McLane: Jeannie Buss, owner of the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers!
Marshall: I should have known. David, I gotta ask you. I've been wondering,
and I'm sure plenty of others have been too -- what exactly is going on between
you and Jeannie?
McLane: I see what you're hinting at, you sly dog. But as you know, I'm
not really...cut out...for that sort of thing...with women.
Marshall: Have you tried using our terrific sponsor, EnerX?
McLane: No, it's not that. It's just that I'm not really...inclined...to...
(Marshall urgently makes the "cut" motion across his throat, signaling
to McLane to stop talking before he incriminates himself further.)
McLane (recovering): ...think of Jeannie in that way.
Marshall: So what is it? If it's not sex, it must be...money?
McLane (winks): Yup. And all of my hard work is going to pay off tonight
in cold, hard cash.
Marshall: That's terrific! With the financial backing of the Lakers behind
us, it will be a whole new era for WOW!
McLane: Indeed. We will now be able to buy not one, but two, new
championship belts. Just what the fans demanded on WOWE.com!!!
Marshall (confused): Let me get this straight...you've been chasing this
woman for weeks...sending her flowers, calling her non-stop, waiting on her
hand and foot...so that you can buy two belts?? How much could that possibly
cost?
McLane: Lee, are you aware that money doesn't grow on trees?
(Marshall sighs.)
Jeannie Buss enters and takes third headset.
Marshall: Welcome, Ms. Buss.
Buss: Hello, Lee. Hi, David.
McLane (in typically cheesy fashion): Jeannie, do you have anything
to say to the fans today?
Buss: Yes, I do, David. I've been watching WOW for a while now, and I've
been very impressed. I've always been an advocate of women's sports, and you're
showing here with WOW that women's wrestling has as much to offer as the boys
do.
McLane (kissing up): You certainly have done your share for women's sports
yourself, through your ownership of our WNBA franchise here in Los Angeles,
the L.A. Sparks.
Buss: That's right. So I'm here to make a donation to WOW that can help
you do some more of the good work you're doing. And I hope this is just the
beginning of a continuing collaboration between our two businesses.
(Jeannie pulls out her wallet and starts handing twenty-dollar bills to McLane. McLane grabs each one out of her hand eagerly. Then...)
Bounce...bounce. Slam Dunk enters. Instead of her usual Laker-like uniform, she is dressed in the uniform of the Lakers' most hated rivals, the Boston Celtics. Slam gets massive boos from the Great Western Forum crowd as she runs to the ring. Slam grabs the mic and tries to start a "BEAT L.A.! BEAT L.A.!" chant. This of course only increases the boos.
Slam: McLane?? MCLANE! McLane, you fish-eyed fool! You better not take any more money from that old, withered, Phil-Jackson-smelling hag! I'll dribble you all over this arena!
(Buss is shocked.)
McLane: Slam Dunk, how dare you come into the ring and insult a guest
of WOW! I know you don't like me, but what did Ms. Buss ever do to you?
Buss (meekly): She tried out for my team, you know.
Marshall: Slam, is that why you're mad? Because Ms. Buss wouldn't sign
you to play for the L.A. Sparks?
Slam: Nah, nah. It's just that no one should be so stupid as to give
money to a lowlife, small-time, rented-tuxedo-wearing dork like you! And Slam
Dunk isn't gonna let it happen!
Slam drops the mic and climbs over the ropes, apparently on her way to attacking McLane. Hammerin' Heather Steele runs out and gets in between the two.
Heather: Slam, don't screw this up! David has worked hard for this! He deserves it!
Slam laughs at the sight of Heather, who is a full foot shorter than her, trying to stand up to her.
Slam: McLane, who is this dye-job midget??
Marshall: Oh, come on, Slam, you know very well that this is Hammerin'
Heather Steele.
Slam (sarcastically): OOOOH, scary. Well, let's see what else this munchkin
has to say.
Slam goes to give her mike to Heather. As Heather goes to grab it, Slam pulls it back and holds it above Heather's head. Heather jumps up and down, but can't reach the mic because of Slam's height advantage.
Slam (teasing Heather with the mic): Whoops!...Whoops!...Almost got it that time!...
A furious Heather hits Slam in the stomach, doubling her up. Heather grabs Slam's head, smashes it against the apron, and rolls Slam into the ring. The crowd absolutely loves it. As they start to brawl in the ring, Jeannie stands up and gets her stuff together.
McLane: Jeannie! Jeannie! Where are you going?
Jeannie: I see that you have dissension in your ranks, McLane. I get
enough of that with the Lakers, I don't need to deal with it here! The partnership
is off.
Jeannie storms off, while Slam and Heather continue to go at it.
At this point, a pyro goes off...water spit...DANGER (with crutch)! Danger makes her way (limping) to the ring, and cracks Slam in the leg with the crutch. Slam hits the floor, and Danger rolls her out of the ring on the announcers' side. The crowd chants "TABLE! TABLE!"...yup, Slam gets Danger Dropped through the announcers' table. Danger returns to the ring. Heather shows "thank God you saved me" body language. Danger smiles, nods, and hits Heather over the head with the crutch, and she's out too. McLane rushes to the ring with mic.
McLane (looking at the fallen Heather): Umm....thanks, I guess, Danger.
Danger: Hey, no problem. I just want to see WOW succeed. I don't like
loudmouth punks like Slam Dunk coming in here and trying to screw things up
for the rest of us. Because this entire federation is my house!
McLane: But Danger, why did you attack poor Heather?
Danger (indifferently): Why not?
McLane: Well, Danger, I might not agree with your methodology, but I
have to say it gets results. And I admire your dedication to the federation's
best interests.
Danger: Thanks, McLane.
McLane: A lot of people have been telling me I have too many responsibilities
around here. I think they're probably right. Until you recover from your injury,
I'd like to make you WOW's Acting Commissioner!
Danger: McLane...I don't like you...but I have to admit that I deserve
it. I'll take the job. (beat) There must be lots of tables in your office, right?
McLane: Ummm...
Danger: Just kidding, McLane. You're off the Highway to Hell for now...until
my leg gets better.
[Benny Hill commercial]
Cut to the "WOW office", a small, messy room with file cabinets, desks, etc. Danger, in business suit (and still with crutch), is sitting down going through papers. McLane enters with a duffel bag.
McLane: Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, with
the money Jeannie gave me before she was chased off, I was able to buy the two
belts. (takes a relatively fancy-looking belt out of the bag) Here's the first
one. It'll be the intercontinental belt.
Danger (raised eyebrow): Pretty nice.
McLane: The bad news is that, because Jeannie didn't finish paying me,
I had to kind of...skimp on the second belt. (takes out a belt that is dirty,
totally beat-up, and appears about to fall apart)
Danger: No problem. That can be the "hardcore" belt.
McLane (impressed): Great idea, Danger!
Danger: I think I already know who the top two contenders for that one
are, too.
Cut to Disciplinarian's locker room, where she is bawling out her new "pupil", Bronco Billie.
Discliplinarian: I can't believe you lost to that fat slob Thug. Where's
your sense of pride!
Bronco Billie (whining): But she's really big! It was hard!
Disciplinarian (sneering): You're pathetic. I don't know what I'm supposed
to do with you. Report early tomorrow for extra instruction.
Ms. D storms off, while Bronco Billie pouts.
Cut to Lana Star's locker room. Lana is, of course, admiring herself in the mirror. Patti Pizzazz comes in.
Patti: Lana, you know what?
Lana (not really caring): What?
Patti: I'm beginning to think that you're not really a good person.
Lana: Well, DUH!
Patti (still not quite getting it): You attacked Randi Rah Rah twice
now. Including once when she was handicapped! You shaved Ice Cold's hair off!
And you really haven't ever beaten anyone in the ring, you just hit them over
the head with mirrors!
Lana: It's the Lana Star Show, silly! Everyone wants to see me win! So
if I'm losing by doing all that stupid legal wrestling stuff, I just have to
make sure I win some other way! (Patti thinks about that for a sec, but then
is jolted by:) You obviously haven't figured that out yet. I've never had a
personal assistant as incompetent as you. It was your fault I didn't beat Randi
in the ring in the first place. Maybe if you had come through then, I wouldn't
have had to deal with her a second time.
Patti: Oh, so now it's my fault Randi is blind??
Lana (unconcerned): Is she? Well...too bad. Hopefully she's learned her
lesson.
Patti: That's it! As your personal assistant, I QUIT!
Lana: That's fine. I talked to my Hollywood friends, and they said there
was no hope for you. So you would be wasting your time anyway.
(Patti storms off.)
Lana: Some people just can't get past that whole cheerleader mentality. (shakes her head) Sad.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter takes on Jane Blond.
After the bout, Beckie does an impromptu hoedown in the ring to her music. A disgusted Jane, once she recovers, grabs Beckie, smashes her head into the turnbuckle, slaps her across the face, and suplexes her. Jane ascends to the top rope and points...a woozy Beckie stands up and doesn't see it coming...KICK OF DEATH. Jane grabs the mic and gloats above the fallen Beckie.
Jane: How dare you make a mockery of the sport with your ridiculous hillbilly dancing? White trash like you isn't even fit to be in the same ring as me. Celebrate all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you're of inferior breeding. And you better enjoy it while you can, because there won't be any more celebrating in the future. Because Jane Blond is no longer going to take things lying down.
Jane drops the mic and leaves the ring to boos.
[EnerX commercial]
What's this entrance video...someone spray-painting something on a windshield? Yup, it's Riot. Riot holds the bat dramatically above her head, gets her pyro, slinks to the ring, dives underneath the bottom rope, and grabs the mic.
Riot: Jade? JADE??? McLane, didn't I tell you last week that if you didn't deliver me some real competition, it was gonna get bloody up...in...here? So you give me someone who's winless?? Do you need a hearing aid, McLane? Am I not getting through to you? Which part don't you understand? Do you not understand...unbeatable? Do you not understand...unbreakable? Or do you not understand...unstoppable?
Danger (in business suit) appears on WOWVision.
Danger: You know what, Riot, I couldn't agree with you more. In fact, now that I'm the Acting Commissioner of WOW, lack of competition is not going to be one of your problems, at all. If anything, I think you'll be begging for a lot less competition once I'm done with you.
(Riot is enraged.)
Danger: Be careful what you wish for, Riot. Because now it really is Danger's house...Danger's rules! So to start off with, I'm gonna call off this match with Jade. Why don't you take on Thug instead...in a no-disqualification match?
Riot yells about the unfairness as Thug and Harley's Angels make their way to the ring.
[Hooked on Phonics commercial]
Cut to the WOW office again.
Danger: McLane, I've worked out the brackets for the WOW Intercontinental Title tournament.
Danger shows McLane a sheet of paper, which we see as well.
WOW Intercontinental Title Tournament Brackets
McLane: Great work, Danger! This should be a real thrill for the fans.
Danger: Well, there's one thing that doesn't quite work yet. (pointing
to the "???" sections of the bracket) Either Jade or Lotus has to
get a bye. But they both have the same record.
McLane and Danger together: Winless.
McLane: Well, there's only one way I know of to make absolutely sure
that one of them gets a win.
Danger (thinks about it, then nods): You're right.
Cut to Jade and Lotus' locker room.
Jade: I can't believe we're supposed to fight each other.
Lotus: Don't worry, Jade! We're a team, so no matter which one of us
wins, we both win!
Jade: But what if I lose again? First Riot made fun of me, like
I wasn't even worthy to fight with people like her. And Danger agreed -- she
gave Riot "tougher competition!" No one thinks I'm any good. And if
I lose again this time, I'll really be the laughingstock of the entire
federation.
Lotus: Don't think like that, Jade! We'll just have fun out there tonight,
and whoever wins, wins. Things will get better for us! I promise!
Jade looks unconvinced.
Ring Announcer: And now, fighting for an automatic bye in the first round of the WOW Intercontinental Title Tournament...
Lotus tries to shake hands with Jade after the match, but Jade just runs off.
[Sponsored by the Invention Submission Corporation]
WOWF Federation File (goes in main ZeusPro directory)
Moves List (goes in "moves" directory)
Lee Marshall Commentary File (goes in "commentary" directory)
David McLane Commentary File (goes in "commentary" directory)