Don’t criticize or get angry: The child may feel that you are angry with them and that all of this was their fault. That couldn’t be furthest from the truth. No child is at fault when an adult (someone who should know better) sexually abuses them. By criticizing or getting angry you push the child away from you and from telling everything. The child is already unsure of who to trust. Especially if the abuser was someone they already trusted. By getting angry, you widen the distrust.
Don’t sweep it under the carpet: By forgetting about it and not doing anything about it, you are telling the child that it was okay for the abuser to abuse them. You are opening the doors for further abuse of your child, and you are allowing the abuser to be a threat, not only to your child, but to other children as well. By taking action and notifying the authorities you are teaching your child that all behavior has consequences and that no one is more important to you than they are.
Don’t Under-react: This goes along with sweeping it under the carpet. It also means that you should let the child know that this is something really bad, not something just wrong.
Don’t be secretive: By hiding the abuse from others and by not allowing the child to talk about it, you are teaching the child to be ashamed. One of the biggest feelings that a child needs to deal with in cases of sexual abuse is the shame that they feel. If you are open about the abuse and allow your child to be open, you are showing the child that they have nothing to be ashamed of . Only if you are guilty of something, should there be shame. The only thing that a child victim of sexual abuse is guilty of is trusting. Nothing to be ashamed of. One thing you must beware of, though, is respecting the child’s privacy. Don’t discuss the abuse with anyone who does not need to know, unless the child initiates it. Some children may not want to discuss what happened to them with others.
Help the child tell what happened: Be patient, don’t interrupt. You can use dolls with the child to help them tell their story. You can ask them to point to the spot on the dolls where the abuser touched them. Tell them that it is right for them to tell and that it is safe for them to tell you. You will protect them. Some molesters will threaten a child. For the child, those threats are very real and very scary. Make sure that the child knows that you will not let anything happen to them. Let them know that their biggest fears (punishment, panic, loss of their parent’s love) isn’t true. Children are very afraid that if they tell, their parents wont love them anymore.
Be affectionate – express love and confidence: Give lots of hugs and positive messages. Let the child know that you are proud of them for telling you something that must have been extremely hard for them to tell. Don’t use “why” questions like “Why did you let this happen?” or “Why didn’t you tell me right away?” Be positive.
Explain to the child that they have done no wrong:Children tend to believe that in some way this must have been their fault. This is not the case.
Let the child know that you believe them:Children very rarely lie when it comes to sexual abuse.
Keep the lines of communication open: Your child is going to need your support through all of this. They must feel that they can come up to you at any time in the future. Don’t shut the doors.
Promise to resolve and carry this thing out until it is finished.
There are certain steps that MUST be carried out in order to handle this crisis correctly and effectively. They are:
Get medical attention if necessary.
Alert DCFS, police, and any other appropriate organization that handles child sexual abuse cases. This is a must. Police have to be notified – this is a crime.
Get counseling for the child and for the family.
Contact a physician to look over the child.
Contact your attorney. Do not handle this on your own.
Sexual abusers can not be handled on your own. Do not just think that you can say, “I’ll never let them near my child again” and have that be the end of it. For assistance in dealing with child sexual abuse you can contact the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at the address on the Personal Safety Resource page. There are also books available to help you deal with this in the best possible way. This isn’t just a matter of bringing justice against the abuser. This is for the welfare and well being of your child.
(above tips from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children)
